Strength in Tragedy

“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

It is amazing the perspective you have on life once you've grown up a little and had children. It is amazing how differently you see the world. Childhood is bliss. I think of this as I think of my mother. My mama was a fighter, but I had no clue. She made it look pretty effortless, although I know at times it had to be pure agony.

As a kid I remember very little of before my dad died. What I do remember and the pictures I see I treasure, note to self take more pictures of kids with parents. Sometimes to be honest I'm not sure if I remember something because I saw it in a picture or because I actually remember it without the picture. I remember camping and I remember cuddling, but I'm not going to delve much more into that right now. I sometimes almost think I remember more of my dad dying than I do of him living, a sad thought, but it is I guess my reality. I remember my mom and dad being at the hospital a lot, visiting my dad there, eating Kidd Valley, spending the night at my teacher's house a lot, my teacher had girls my age and we were good friends. I remember praying and asking God to heal my dad, bargaining, and begging for him to let me take his place, because I didn't want to have to live without my dad. At the time I didn't even fully know what life without my dad would really mean, what he would miss, those are things that you discover as your get older, you don't think about them when you're eight. And my dad was determined to beat this cancer, he was not going to die.

And I think about what I remember as a kid, what must my mom remember as an adult? My mom is strong. She is a fighter. She kept our lives as normal as possible under the circumstances. I don't remember her crying, I mean I saw her crying, but never did I see her break or be out of control. And I can only imagine the agony that she was in. She was losing her best friend, the love of her life, the father of her children. There are no words.

I think of the families in Connecticut... The tragedy in this world... No parent should ever go before their child. You birth this amazing life, you look forward to their future, you make sure you're sending them to a good school, you're preparing for Christmas, you pack their lunch with a little note, kiss them goodbye, maybe you're even going to be coming in for a class Christmas party later that afternoon and you get a phone call. And agony. Your breath is painful and you want to die. Kids... Not meant to go before their parents.

I think about another school shooting, that happened when I was just in junior high. Columbine... Sitting in class watching the horror unfold, I am so thankful my children will not know about today until they are older. Junior high, I was old enough. I'm sure as my mom was watching that tragedy unfold she probably felt similarly to what I felt Friday. The overwhelming need to scoop my babies up and hug them, I don't think that feeling goes away as your children get older, my mama would probably still want to scoop me up. But you know what I remember, I didn't feel unsafe, my mom was calm and in control. She is a woman of strength. So I thought, as I'm fighting the urge to sweep babies up all over the world and especially mine, what do I want my children to remember on this day? Do I want this to be the day that fear is introduced into their lives, or will they too someday look back and go, "Mama, what must you have been thinking on Dec 14th?"

One thing my mama told me when Dominic was a baby, "They were God's before they were yours. You gotta hang onto that, because you cannot be watching every second of every day." And that is the truthiest truth you're ever hear. What will I tell my children? I will tell them I wanted nothing more to scoop them up and carry them off to a bubbles where they would never be hurt and know nothing but love and happiness. And then I will say, My heart is breaking for those families. The best we can do is pray for them & remember for ourselves that God knew the number of our days before we were born, he is the great comforter & protector. There are so many why's in life, that we will never know the answers to, but the alternative to trusting in God is living in fear & that is a choice we cannot afford to make. Not just because a life of fear is no life at all, but because our children look to us to see how we deal with traumatic things & I am not willing for them to live in fear, they need to know how big our God is, even when things cannot be explained. I knew even in that moment of time they were in the palm of God's hands & he could protect them better than I ever hoped & if the worst were to ever happen I know that God would carry me through, one agonizing breath at a time.

My mama is a fighter. And I am thankful that she was an example of faith and courage to me. It is as I get older that I see more of the attributes in my mother as the treasures that they are. And I hope that those treasures have been passed down to me. I know I want for my children to say, "thank you, for never backing down, never crippling under the weight of tragedy." Because this world is full of tragedy. But I think it's the tragedy in this world that makes us long even more for the beauty of heaven and comfort of our savior.

Beautiful Life

She doesn't have a sister. She is my youngest child, only 2 1/2 years old. And yet she knows how to take care of a baby... She feeds them, reads to them, cuddles them, puts them to sleep and even changes their diapers. She is darling, cute and so 100% girl! She is also one tough cookie. She loves wrestling with her brothers and has no problem stating her opinion despite her limited vocabulary! She is a wonder to watch and challenges me to look at myself all the more, because I am after all the one who has the pleasure of teaching her what it means to be a woman.

Mr. D is the most creative boy I have ever met. He is always building or crafting something. I think he would be the happiest guy in the world if I had somewhere that was his very own space where he had access to all kinds of tapes, scissors, paper, staplers and writing tools. I would love to crawl inside his brain to where he comes up with all these endless ideas. He can be very focused, when he's working on something you might as well be on the other side of the world!
Then there is my four year old treasure. He has the sweetest little heart you will ever see. He is fierce, he feels things deeply, and is very observant. I long ago dubbed him my warrior, nothing will get in this boys way. He has the greatest snuggles and the cutest pair of dimples I have ever seen. He explores life with an excitement that is contagious and a sparkle that brings joy to my soul. You never know what you're going to get with this little follower and leader wrapped all up in one package, he moves to the beat of his own drum!

These are my treasures. These are my children. Peace has been reigning in our home this afternoon and all I want to do is watch my children play. They are content in their chosen activities and as I look at them I feel my heart overflow. When my daughter was born, my oldest was two weeks away from his third birthday. There are so many joys in having children close in age. I remember the first time I reveled in the joy of their closeness of age. My little Miss must have been about a year old and all three of them were playing ring-around-the-rosey and genuinely enjoying themselves. They travel through life together, opening and closing each stage together, experiencing life to it's fullest with a built in best friend.

These little people are amazing. Watching them explore and grow up is a gift. They fill my heart with joy and anticipation. Each year just gets better, I am not sad to see another year or stage pass because where we are is always the best. I love the stage they're in, then I love the next stage even more!!! Life with children is like walking through a masterpiece, and just when you think it couldn't get any better, it does. Sure in the midst of that you have many trials, there are times when I'm just plain burnt out, but sure enough it passes. Just as an author experience writers block, so we have blocks in our life where maybe life doesn't look so amazing, but in those moments all you can do is look back and see the beauty that you've experienced and know that that beauty is present even still. After all, sunrise comes after a dark night and there is no denying the beauty of the sun coming over the mountains, drenching the valleys in rays of beauty. That is what life is, beautiful... While I wrote this all I could think about was a song that I loved when I was a kid...

Thankfulness, Grace & Love

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

I want my children to be thankful people. I try throughout the year to instill thankfulness in them, I want their praises and thanks to be as normal as breathing... I want them to know that we serve a God who loves us and provides for us. I also want them to see how God provides through people and be grateful to the people who take care of us. 

One of their greatest examples of God's provision is their daddy. My husband goes to work 5 days a week to provide for our family, I stay home and take care of the children. And I am blessed at how appropriate this example of provision through a father is, because it is ultimately our Father God providing for us. Dominic's eyes have began to be opened this year to what a privilege it is to have a parent at home with you. The reason I can be home is because I have a husband who supports that lifestyle for our family, we make a lot of sacrifices to keep me home, but to our family they are more than worth it. 

The privileges of a stay at home mom have been reinforced ever more to me this year with Dominic now in kindergarten. Because I am home with our children and we have a supportive extended family around us, I am available to volunteer in Dominic's classroom once a week, sometimes more if there's something special going on. I remember my first day volunteering, all the kids were so excited to see me, but there were also quite a few that were sad their mothers weren't there, and I was reminded what a privilege it is to have the ability to be there. Once a week I get not just my kids hugs, but a big handful of extras as kids are going out to recess, kids I hardly know that just love having a parent around. I get to help them learn their letters, play games and support their teacher in any way I'm needed and I love it. 

I am so thankful that when I was 19 I met a young man who had the same vision for life that I had. I am thankful that that amazing man fell in love with me, because I feel head over heels for him! I am also so thankful that today we love each other millions of times more than we did when we first got together. It is a privilege to be married and in love with such a solid man of character. It is a blessing to grow up with this man, since we've both done a lot of growing up since we first met and I know we still have a lot of growing up to do! And the only one who I can truly thank for this amazing man is God. I have seen his hand on us all through our lives, even before we knew each other he was there. Growing us into people who were ready to someday meet, fall in love, get married and raise a family together.

My greatest desire is that as my children grow up they too can look at their lives and say, "I can see how God's hand was on me, throughout my childhood and adulthood as well." My job is to teach them how to see that hand, to know the love of the God behind that hand and most importantly have a relationship with the God who created them into such amazing individual people. Recognizing the things God has given you is a good start for little people, they can easily see a new pair of jammies and know it is a gift that they didn't earn. We are God's hands to our children, the practical first step, the ones who have the great privilege and responsibility to point them to their savior.

Just like Shane and I had a lot of growing up to do when we first met, and still do, we have a lot of growing up to do as parents, so much to still learn. Every day is a new challenge or season, a new page in our parenting adventure. We are constantly adjusting and figuring out how to encourage our children in the right direction, to teach them about God and life. And thankfully God is full of grace and he has graciously placed much of that same grace in our children, because we are far from perfect parents. Yet in all our mistakes our children still love us and so does God!

I think it all boils down to the privilege of grace. Grace that we did not earn, that God gave so freely to us. I think this is the year of grace for me, because it is what I keep having brought back to my face. Our God is a gracious God. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, he covers us with his grace, wipes away our imperfection. He loves us so fully and completely. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Eph. 2:8

When I look at my life all I can see is God's grace covering it. When I look at every detail I see it all lead back to his loving faithfulness, his provision, his grace. All I can see is how much he loves me and it brings me to my knees in thankfulness. Because he sees my inmost thoughts, knows me in and out and still loves me with the same all encompassing love. All I can hear is this song going through my head over and over, "Oh, how He loves us!!!" And to know my finite brain cannot even begin to encompass the full force of his love for me.

Parenting

As a parent you're always trying to figure out what works. I would say that our ultimate goal is to raise responsible God fearing people... But what a task. Where do I even start, I mean, obviously I started this task over 5 years ago when my oldest child was born... But I am like every other parent, wondering if I'm doing it right, if I'm going to forever scar my children with my selfish human ways. And to be completely honest, I probably will or have. Because that is after all what I am, human...

The very thing that I am breaks my heart. To know that I have the ability to raise up or push down my children, or anybody for that matter. The weight of that responsibility brings me to my knees. Parenthood opens your eyes all the more to just who and what you are. It challenges me to know my God better because only in his strength can I hope to raise my children up into the men & woman they were designed to be.

My prayer is that as they watch me they will also learn through me. I pray that they will see me struggle, but then see how God brings me through. That they will see me as I grow into a woman of character, because that is what I desire to be. And I pray that they will see me fall, so that they can see the grace that my father in heaven pours out over me. His grace drenches my being, and I hope that I can learn to let that grace overflow into every area of my life. But I have a long ways to go.

As I go along in this motherhood journey I am constantly trying to readjust, to determine what is best. To figure out how to reach and teach my children. There is no road map to motherhood. There is no right or wrong way, the map has to be tailored to each individual child.

What amazes me is that there are so many people in the world and yet no one is alike, down to our smallest details. You will never know another Dominic, Gabriel or Abigail children of Shane and Courtney. They are their very own unique God printed people. And they are as unique as they come, they think differently from all of you, they have different dreams and ideas, and they react differently to a situation than you or I. It's my job as a mother to figure that out. To know them, to help guide them into the amazing people that only they can be. And what is so crazy is that I don't even know what that's going to look like, only God knows.

I know God has entrusted these three children into my care. I know that he sees something in me that my children need that only I can give them. I know he will help me every step of the way, but I still get hung up on the responsibility. But I refuse to parent my children in fear. I know that God has amazing plans for my children, that he will do his work through them. I know that my children will face many hard, immoral situations and I believe that they will overcome them in God's strength. I also know that they will fall, but we will be there to raise them up. Because we serve a God who showers us in grace, and his grace is enough.

Who I am in Christ

Choose one verse that describes who I am in Christ... Wow! That was our challenge for bible study this week. One verse... The bible is one big book written to me. So many verses run through my head, how can I choose just one. So, I will try...

"that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:12

Who I am is who God made me to be. He made me to praise him, he made me to tell the world of his love and he made me to give him thanks. That is who I am. Do I always live up to who I was made to be? No, indeed I fail often...

"O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit." 
Psalm 30:3

But why do I know, that although I fail more often than I succeed, he still made me for this purpose of praise. That he still loves me and accepts me in all my fault?

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed", says the Lord who has compassion on you." 
Isaiah 54:10

God's word is real, it's alive. He has a purpose for me... If all I ever accomplish in this life is that I have shouted from a mountain that God loves me and you then my purpose if fulfilled. I am here to praise him, to show people that his love is real. I am here also to be a testimony that God loves you even when you fail. He doesn't ask for perfection, because he is our perfection. We are made perfect in him alone.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I (Paul or us) will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

A Glimpse at a Stay at Home Mom

The is no higher calling than a life of service. What do I do for a living? I am a stay at home mom. I am in the service industry, my customer base just happens to be smaller than the rest of the world. My job is 24/7, but it has the greatest perks, I do after all get to be my own boss.

I don't know if you've ever owned a business or intimately known somebody who does. When I was in high school my parents bought a business. Our dinner time conversations centered around the business, everything revolved around it. We couldn't get away from it, it followed us on vacations, and I know even when my parents weren't talking about it (which wasn't often) it was still in the back of their minds.

Being a stay at home mom is kind of like a business. Except we're not dealing with solely money, we are dealing with the very shaping of people. We are raising the next generation, we are raising the politicians, doctors, business men, works, designers, developers... When we look at our children we are overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising this little person with their own minds & ideas into a person who will positively affect the world. Who will be a leader, a team player, independent, honest people of integrity. You thought your job description was heavy, I could screw up the world!!! I bet you never considered that possibility!

So, what does a stay at home mom do? Well, today I woke up at 7:30, not early for many of you, if you're my husband that's actually sleeping in! I took a shower, because I like to smell nice for my man, he's a huge part of my customer base! Followed by telling my munchkins to get dressed. Two of them listen, but of course not the one who has school today! So I get the kids their cereal, while they eat I pack my son's lunch. Then I draw a picture for inside his lunch, I am no artist, but the first day I packed his lunch I realized the boy can't read, and therefore our notes gotta be a little more creative. Today it's his favorite, a picture of my heart with him & me inside it. It was going to be just him, but he wanted me to add myself.

So I get the boy dressed and look at the clock, thinking we're doing alright. "Yes, you can finish your castle." Get the kids into the car. My daughter in the typical two year old fashion has to do everything herself. Oh, no we're going to be late. We get to school, I'm praying that today there will be no tears. I remind my son that daddy will take him on a really long bike ride if he doesn't cry. He still doesn't want to go to school, but decides to go since he can't stand the thought of daddy taking his brother & not him. (don't worry, he was going to school even if he didn't want to, it's non negotiable.) We're half way to his classroom and the bell rings, we're late, thanks to miss independent. Guess I need to give us more time to get here, note to self. We get to my son's classroom, he stand in the door with a frown face, but doesn't cry... I walk away, he comes back out, "Mama, Mrs. Grafenauer isn't there." Great, the first day he's going to go into his classroom without crying his teacher isn't here & there's a sub. I walk him back in & his little friend tells us the teacher is stuck in a meeting, since that's acceptable to Dominic he stays in his class, although the last thing I saw was his frown face. But it's ok because I know he's going to have fun. I'm actually elated, no tears, no peeling a kid off me & running for the door. We did it!!!

That's just the first hour of day... Within that short description I left out the sibling fighting, the trying to find shoes, the little girl that didn't make it to the bathroom in time & peed on the floor. There is the list in my head of a million things that I need to get done before the end of the day & the reality that of that list I'll probably only get a handful done. Then there is the constant questioning & evaluating. How do I handle sibling rivalry? This worked yesterday, but not today. Why is so & so whining? Am I even any good at this parenting thing? Raising children is scarey. You will never question yourself so often and yet be so sure that  you're doing the right thing. Because you're constantly wanting to do it better, to be a better mother, wife, friend. Nothing will grow you or stretch you as much as motherhood. I've only been doing it for just over five and a half years and I know I have so much more to learn, so many more questions & trials to face.

When I became a mother I thought I knew everything. I thought I was going to have the perfect little kids. I had a list of all those things that my kids will never! Oh, sister, eat your words!!! Motherhood will humble you like nothing else! And it's so beautiful & ugly all at once. You will wake up and think one minute you're a awesome mother, then next you're the worst mother & person in the world! It's a roller coaster full of ups & downs, turns & swirls, dives & climbs.

Motherhood is all consuming, like a business. You have to figure out how to maintain who you are outside this all consuming pleasure. You have to remember that you have a name other than "Mama." It's a constant battle to balance who you are with what you do. You are not your children, your identity cannot be in them. But motherhood is the best business in the world. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I am blessed to get the walk this tight rope, because it has made me a better person. It has blessed my life with more love & satisfaction than I could have ever dreamed of. And I am so thankful to my husband for making this family one that is to be envied, because no home could be full of more love, support & joy... Although I would love a little order of peace & quiet on the side, but that will come someday, little people just weren't made for silence!

To My Son

My Dearest Dominic,

Today we sent you off to your first day of kindergarten. Daddy came home to drive in with us & everything. We are so excited for you, so happy to see your school adventures begin. We are excited for all the new things you will learn, the amazing things you will discover in this huge world. You told me the other day that you wanted to read, and that is one of the many things you will be learning! When I met your teacher, Mrs. Grafenhauer, for the first time I liked her instantly. You liked her as well, you laughed over your time when you were doing your testing & had no problem asking her all your questions. I know you are in good hands, today as I write this letter to you.

Today when we left for school you were very excited for your first day, you had woken up at 6am!!! As you stood in line I was proud of my little man, so big & responsible, waiting patiently to go inside. My baby is growing up. I was not worried about sending you off. I was not sad. This is after all how life progresses, and I know you are ready for this next step, this new season in your life. We have fully enjoyed our time together at home before these school years & it's so exciting as your Mama to see the person you are growing into. It is a privilege to have the front row seat in your life, watching every milestone, every smile & wiping away every tear. You are an amazing little boy, so full of joy, hope & promise. 

It wasn't until Mrs. Grafenhauer told the class to blow kisses to your parents that I we were going to have a hard time. You hid your face in your coat & frowned, you wouldn't look up. As the line started to move you were rooted in your spot and you began to cry. I came to you, to give one last hug, praying you could get through this. I walked you to the gate, and you were not going to go in. I am fighting tears, trying so hard to be strong for you, I know my tears have to wait. I give you a hug, say goodbye & a little nudge into the gate. The gate closes & the last thing I see is you gripping it, crying. I ran around the corner, I can still hear you, but now you can't see me... I know it is best this way. 

I know that this is best for you. I know you are ready, I don't doubt it for a minute. As I said before I'm not sad, I know this is life, I know you will do great. But I am sad that you are crying. I am sad that your I cannot comfort you, even when I know it's for the best. Today, my little love, we are growing up just a little more. Because everyday we have together is another day that we are teaching you how to be your own person, how to be responsible, how to grow up. Sometimes these lessons are hard. And when they are hard for you, know that they are even harder for me, because I love you more than life itself. You and your brother & sister & daddy are my world, my heart beats to love you. I wake every morning to be the best mama I can be for you. Yes, little love, these lessons are hard for us. 

So, today we had a rough start. But I know that when I pick you up today you will have such amazing stories to tell me. I know you will have had fun & will have already started falling in love with your teacher. I know you will do great, because you are a great kid. I know today was a rough start, but tomorrow will be easier, and before we know it you will be running to class not bothering to look over your shoulder. You will love school, I don't doubt it for a minute. I know that today was hard, but it was time. And I know that you are ready. You just didn't know in your heart today, but tomorrow you will. I love you, Mr D.

Love Always,
Mama

Privlege of Family

Family... What a privilege to be part of one! Last night my family had the pleasure of coming together to celebrate the marriage of one of my cousins! Let me tell you about my family... They are amazing! They are smart, loving, successful people. And we are a big family, sometimes I can't even keep track of everybody!

I grew up going to all the family functions, the Christmas party always stands out in my mind the most. I remember anxiously waiting through the long car ride out to my uncle's farm. I remember on the day figuring out the best way to get out there, seems the roads were always flooding, I used to wish the roads would flood after we got there so we had to stay overnight.

Then once we were there I would follow my mom around, visiting with all the aunts & uncles. I am the youngest cousin, I think there is 19 of us, I could be totally wrong... Because being the youngest cousin, I actually was the same age as my oldest cousin's kids! I remember they used to set out two rows of big folding tables with chairs all around. Wherever we were the uncle hosting would pray for our family & without fail they would cry as the blessings of a close family are realized once again. I guess crying runs in the family!

I always admired my cousins. They were smart, funny & beautiful, still are! They are strong, they love their families & are some of the most amazing people I know.

Now that we're all grown our family gatherings are a little smaller, but no less special. But I think what made my cousins wedding reception so great last night was that it was once again the whole family coming together. There were some missing, but it felt that we were closer to what we used to be. I still look forward to the Schoenmaker family Christmas party every year. Now it's my children running through the house, probably in another few years it will be my daughter begging to go out and see the horse!

Whenever we faced anything in life we never had to face it alone. I remember so many times when my mom's brothers & sisters came beside her & helped her when times were tough. I also remember many summer bbq's, camping trips, holiday celebrations. I remember my grandpa at Christmas, always so happy to see us, and the political debates that would take place... I do have to admit the desire to debate politics totally skipped over me! But oh, I remember... But the thing that stands out most to me is a love for our family.

Though our family is more spread apart now than it was when I was growing up, the bond is still there. When we come together the time flies by, the years slip away and we are family. A family that is there for each other, prays for each other & loves each other. And we defiantly know how to have a good time!

Today is His Day

I love preschool! Today I sent Gabriel off to his very first day. He's been yelling every time we drive by the preschool this summer, "that's my preschool!!!" Today he finally got to go. His wait has been excruciating, because you see, he's been waiting a whole year for today to be his day! I remember the tears so many times last year when he didn't get to go to preschool. It broke my heart every time, but there was no way I was paying for two kids to be in preschool at the same time, one is enough. A few days last year I got to sub, which I loved, and he got the pleasure of coming with me to class. And oh did he have a good time, he got to paint as much as he wanted, sit in circle time, eat snack & run around outside.

Well, now today is his day! He went to sleep last night probably dreaming of this day. He woke up and wanted to leave right away! Well, he doesn't go to preschool until 1:00, which was forever away! Finally after we had lunch I couldn't hold him back anymore. So we got all ourselves together to begin the picture process. I have never seen a boy more willing to do pictures! I only wanted a couple & he happily cooperated. So, in the car we go, super early! We stopped by the latte stand across the street from preschool & got a little sweet treat. After all, today is a special day!

Finally we get to go inside. This kid is a pro! He finds his spot on the carpet, then he calls his friend over, but the spot next to him was taken by one of his siblings, so he moved so he could sit by his friend. Crisscross applesauce this kid knows what's up! Dominic takes a seat on the rug, even Abigail picks a spot. And circle time begins. Today, Gabriel is a preschooler.

As I sit watching my little man, I laugh at my know it all, Dominic. He has no problem remembering the rules of the classroom. He, as well, is a pro. I peek on the other side of my boys & their friends & there is my little princess sitting... Trying to sing the songs as well, clapping with everybody, fully engaged. I think she thinks today is her day. Miss LeAlyce even points to Abigail to say her name. She stops, surprised and says, "umm..." We laugh at the shock on her face, oh the princess had her moment, as she was introduced as Abi, Gabe's little sister.

Wow! How far we have come in a year. How different I feel as I'm sending Gabriel off to his first day of preschool. How different he is from his brother. Both were very excited, but oddly enough, I think Gabe was more ready than Dominic. I didn't have to tell him to be quiet, or sit still, or anything, not even once. I remember as I sat in the very same room a year ago I thought, oh, Dominic, you have a long way to go. How are  you ever going to be able to sit still & pay attention? But he did, I remember being shocked at what a different class I walked in on just a couple weeks later. Dominic was sitting on the rug, listening, looking so grown up. And this year, he sat, Mr Know it All.

Then there is Abigail. Last year she did not sit on the carpet. No, she ran right for the little house & played away. Was a loud little muffin, pretty distracting as well! And this year, there she sits, convinced that this is where she belongs. After all, I have heard her arguing with her brother all summer long that this was, "my preschool!" Today when we left she was not a happy little girl. I think this will be her year of tears. Her year of wanting to go so bad. Her longest year of her poor life! My big girl wants to be an even bigger girl. The dream that the grass is always greener on the other side.

And there is Gabriel. Today is his day. He has been waiting for so long. I am so glad that he is sitting in his little heaven right now. And he gets to paint today! If you woke up thinking today was just another day, you do not know Gabriel! He is so cute & sweet. He is a silly, friendly little guy. He was greeted today by the familiar faces of his long coveted teachers & two of his little friends. He had no problem making sure his friends knew he was there, that they should sit by him. He loved saying hi to all his new friends in his class he has yet to build a history with. He was a happy boy. I don't think a start could shine brighter than his face. Yes, today is his day!

Summer Recap

What a summer.  That's all I can say.  So much happened.  I am ready to dive into fall & the school year.  I think this is going to be an awesome year for us.  I am excited to be sending two of my children off to school this year.  My little boys are growing up.

This summer we said goodbye to two of our neighbors who had become super close friends.  I still miss them like crazy, they brought a lot of laughter to our little cul de sac.  They were & are like family, I can't wait until we can go visit them.  I loved the community that we had built in out little corner of the world.  It was like I was living back in time where people spent time getting to know their neighbors & throwing food on the bbq for the neighbors was like second nature.  I'm not sure if we'll ever get to experience that again, but it was a little slice of heaven.

My little Gabbers turned 4.  He is too cute.  I love the little things he says, the way his little mind works, his zest for life.  He is so excited to start preschool, whenever we drive by he says, "that's my preschool!"  He also finally made a best friend.  After spending a long weekend with his friend Tyler he has said, "he's my best friend. like 100."  I guess friends must have numbers for how long you're going to be friends maybe?  Like 100.  Funny how kids think.  Tyler & Gabriel are going to be going to preschool together this year & I could not be more excited!  Now I already have a friend at preschool.  It was weird wrapping up the school year & realizing that I won't be seeing these other mom's 3 times a week anymore, and all but one have kids headed off to a different school than Dominic.  Now I have a preschool mama friend that I get to keep!

Shane & I got to get away on our annual summer hide away.  I love that man like crazy.  I could not have asked for a better husband, I could name a million reasons why, but I don't want to make you all jealous.  But I will say, that he knows me like nobody else.  He supports me through the good, the bad & the ugly.  He's the man that when you're crying on your hands & knees picking up stupid legos as your world is falling apart, silently comes beside you & picks them up, helps you move on.  He has been my silent strength lately, he knows how to make me feel secure & that everything is going to be alright.  He understands what I need, when I'm struggling to figure out what that is.  He draws me out of myself & makes me shine.

My real strength is from God.  But God uses people when you need a little flesh to hold you up, that's why he said "it's not good for man to be alone."  I love that God knows me, even when I don't know myself.  That he encourages me & teaches me to be a better person.  I am thankful that he would see worth & value in a broken girl like me.  That he sees my brokenness & calls it beautiful & knows how to make me whole.  He gently whispers, holds, challenges & loves me.  He understands my questions, my raging, my confusion.  He doesn't push me away when I feel those things, no, he draws me closer to him.  He breathes his presence into my life & gives me peace.  What a mighty God I serve.

This summer...  We got to enjoy a few camping trips.  I love camping with my family & friends.  We went with Nana & Papa one weekend.  Dominic got his prayers answered when he saw bats at night.  He would pray, "Jesus, can I see a bat? Thank you." then a minute later one would fly overhead.  Talk about some faith building!  Then we escaped to Chelan two weekends in a row with some of our dearest family friends!  The weather was perfect, so many memories were made!  And the kids did alright on the trips over!

Then, my mom.  She had her surgery yesterday.  She is doing well, we still won't have a lot of answers for a couple days/weeks.  We are believing the cancer hasn't spread.  She is deciding what her next plan of action is, praying for wisdom.  It's been a process, one that's not over.  But we have hope, because we serve a God that can beat cancer, that made our bodies & knows them & their most intricate parts.  And he is still God & he still heals!!! 

Oh, what a summer.  It's the summer that felt like a year.  So many emotions, so many happenings, so little time to process.  And so much more than I even shared!  I am ready to settle into fall.  Ready to fall into a new routine.  To send little boys off to school three times a week, go back to my original mops, begin a new bible study with a different group of ladies.  I believe that God has good things in store for us this year.  That he wants to shower us with blessings, the greatest blessing being his presence.  I am so blessed to wake up everyday & say, "this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice & be glad in it."  No matter the trials, no matter the heartbreak, no matter the blessings, I know I was born to thrive today, and that is what I will do.

Pray for my Mama

I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  We are all fearfully & wonderfully made.  God knew this day before I ever had breath in my body.  He knew the trials I would face.  And he knows me, you... My mother.  He knows my Mama.  He knit her together in her mother's womb.  He put together every piece of flesh.  Fearfully made.  How can you look at the intricacies of the human body and not know that there is a God?  How can you not be in awe of the one who created us?  Not only did he create us, he created us in his image.  Awe.  

And sin.  Sin entered this world, through the act of two people disregarding what God said to them.  As a kid I always thought, why did Adam & Eve eat the fruit?  It was all so simple in my little mind.  It's still pretty simple, but I know if they hadn't eaten the fruit somebody was bound to.  Sin.  It's a tricky little thing.  Disguised to look so fun, innocent, easy.  And because of sin we will never on this earth know a perfect world.  With sin, entered disease.  

Disease.  I started journaling when I was a little girl.  I was about 7 years old and my dad was dying of cancer.  I've read my journals from that time of my life, my first journal.  You would see a little girl, coping with this horrific thing called cancer.  A girl bargaining with God, not understanding it all.  But a little girl with faith.  Faith that even in this God had a plan.  Well, 20 years later I am still journaling, and we're on our knees again to battle cancer.  My Mama has breast cancer, we just found out.

Cancer.  The word itself brings up all kinds of emotions in my heart.  I know that breast cancer isn't at all like lymphoma, what my dad died of.  But the word itself brings out the irrational, and sometimes rational, fears.  I cannot help but war in my head.  The logic vs. faith vs. modern medicine vs. little 7 year old girl vs. 27 year old woman.  

Add to that, waiting.  They move fast when cancer is found, but it's not nearly fast enough for the family involved.  We find out Friday, mom has appointment with doctor Tuesday with an MRI to follow, surgical consult on Thursday.  But that gives me 4 days of what's the plan, I know the general plan, but is it going to go as planned.  Four days to war in my head with not all the information.  To have the struggle of flesh vs. faith.  Every few minutes it switches whose winning.  

I sit and cry.  Then I run scripture through my head.  I am fearfully & wonderfully made...  I know the plans I have for you...  I knit  you together in your mother's womb...  I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  I knit you together in your mother's womb.  I distract myself.  I am numb.  I am strong, I am weak.  I am mad.  I believe God will heal her.  I'm scared that maybe that's not God's plan.  I know God will heal her.  God, why are we doing this again?  You won't give us anything we cannot handle.  Lord, I cannot handle this.  

So, what do I know.  All I know at this point is one, my Mama is fearfully & wonderfully made & God knit her together in her mother's womb.  God is the great physician.  He has the power to heal my Mama.  He knows her inmost being, her flesh, her spirit, her soul.  She is his daughter.  Two, God knew this day before my Mama had breath, before I had breath.  And He knows what this season holds for my Mama & our family.  And finally three, we have a wonderful group of friends & family that is willing to step up and pray for us, especially my Mama.  So, if you're reading this, you are my friend and please pray for my Mama.  Pray for God's healing.  And know that God's Will will be done.  His good & perfect will.  And that we can be a testimony of who He is.  And pray for healing.

A Journey

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

~Jesus Culture~

Motherhood is hard.  It's the best job on earth, but the most challenging.  To know you are responsible for little souls & for so much of it all to be out of your control.  To constantly be in a period of growth.  Wanting to be better, the best for your children, but constantly questioning if it is enough.  To go from failure to triumph to failure again in the course of 10 minutes. Never will you be more sure & more insecure all in one moment.  To fight not just the judgements of others, but even worse your own judgements of yourself.  And to fail, over & over, not knowing what to do.  To feel so alone, but to crave space to yourself.  One thing, remains.

But the Lord says to you. "You will never know how high, how wide, how deep my love is for you.  I will never leave you, you are never alone.  The road you travel may be rough, but I will carry you through, I will sustain you.  I will be your strength.  I will give you wisdom when you need it most, when you ask.  I will never let you go.  You are my child & I love you.  My heart breaks for your pain, you are not alone.  My mercies are new every morning, your life is a gift.  I do not bring you through the fire to abandon you.  As the sun comes up in the morning, so my love shines on you.  You are precious & honored in my sight, I see no blemish in you.  I bring you through storms because I love you & desire to grow my character in you.  You do not fail me.  I will shine my light through you & my will, will be done.  Now, rest in me."

Motherhood.  It's what challenges me to grow spiritually.  It's what brings the greatest blessings & love that is stronger than steel.  It is the reason I'm not who I was 6 years ago.  It has bred patience, faith, trust, humility...  Humility.  Oh, that's been a hard one.  But I am glad that I'm not who I was yesterday.  Was yesterday's child that bad?  Not at all, but growth is beautiful.  There is beauty in pain, pain brings tears & tears bring refreshment & it all equals growth.  

What is my desire?  To be a woman of godly character.  To be a woman of grace.  To teach my children to love the Lord, that they will serve him.  

I do not know what my next season holds.  It has been a hard road, letting God work in my heart, running from God working in my heart, surrendering to God's work in my heart, seeing how running brought me to understanding & surrender.  Humility.  What an adventure it was.  At the beginning of the year I saw that that was the journey God was taking me on, that I had been on.  I submitted to the journey with fear & trembling, then I ran from the journey, only to find that oddly enough running was a part of the journey that needed to happen, to ultimately bring me to that place of surrendered humility.  Never would I advise running, lol!!! But personally I needed to fail to see just how humble I wasn't.  A few weeks ago that was part of what the Lord revealed to me.  I thought I might share it, because maybe somebody else needs to hear how much our loving father actually loves us.  It's just a little expert from my journal...  It's been my journey as of lately.  I think we've come to the end of that one, for now at least.  So, what does my next season hold?  My heart is surrendered.  But for now my soul is at rest...  I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I will fail, but in my failures & weaknesses, you will see God's unfailing love & strength.  

My desire is that God will use my imperfections to show his love.  That he will fill in the gaps, where I fall short he will deliver.  And my children were his first.  I cannot love them as completely as he does.  So, I take a breath, and try to move through another day.  I try to live a life of grace, and every time I fail I know he will be faithful to carry me through, bring me to the other side & teach me a little something more about being a woman of God.  

I'm praying for a season of rest.  In my rest I need God's wisdom.  His wisdom in raising these beautiful children he gave me.  I need a little more patience.  A little less busy.  A few disciple revelations.  These little people God gives us are nothing like each other.  What works for one doesn't for another.  And when you think you figured it out, it all changes again!  Children are beautiful creatures of wonder.  Every one of my little munchkins has something we're needing to focus on.  So, maybe this is a season of rest for me & growth for them.  Lord, give me wisdom, peace, patience & grace.  And let your will be done, may my those in my house always serve you alone.

An Artist?

Am I an artist? Is it possible that I am just an artist that has refused to ever admit that that alone is my calling? Is written word considered an art? Not that my writing is amazing, but is it possible that it's a gift that never has been fully explored. That the feelings of inadequacy and doubt have quenched what could have been a beautiful thing. There are so many people so much more talented than me in so many different areas, and people that are defiantly artists! But where I struggle to say what I mean in voice I can put to perfect sense on paper. I will get an idea in my head and cannot rest until the words have been put to it, or in some cases the project completed. I can be a dog with a bone and yet other times I can be completely uninspired. Are these just the woes a girl who has never admitted what she is, or hidden from it.

I grew up writing in my journal everyday... Sometimes multiple times a day. I fantasized and wrote little stories, I can describe a scene that would bring you to tears and enjoy it so thoroughly, although I think the only person I've ever shared that with is my mama!!! I can completely lose myself in a scene. Many times I feel awkward with the inability to fully express myself. My feelings are easily hurt, yet I hide it so well. I am like a rock that if you puncture it you would be amazed that it's actually soft inside, but I'm not really one to invite you in. Like I fight to be & know who I am. Yet I can share here, my craziest thoughts and am ok with it.

I am 27 years old and I can fight to figure out who I am, silly right? Normal, probably. Yeah, I don't feel extraordinary. I'm just me, I define myself as a wife, mother & friend. Maybe there is more to me... It may all sound like silly ramblings, but why else would I wake up at 4am and have to write in order to go to sleep again. My brain is the one thing that has always kept me up at night, grrrr. So, I guess maybe I'm still figuring out who I am and where I fit. But if I'm an artist, than maybe some more the pieces make a little more sense... Or maybe the title just doesn't fit.

Motherhood

So many thoughts, so little organization. Happy Mother's Day to me... Mother's day is one of those tricky days for me personally. It never seems to go the way I plan in my head. For instance, my very first mother's day I wanted to celebrate by having a picnic. So, we went to Camano State park and went for a little walk in the crazy cold wind, then ended up having our picnic in the car because it was just too cold! This is my 6th mother's day and I have yet to have the "perfect" day. But really that's motherhood. 

There is no perfect day. There are millions of great days, zillions of perfect moments, but a perfect day? No, life just doesn't work that way. We are all human and are too many things we cannot control. But it's those beautiful moments that make a perfect lifetime, because I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Not even the times where all 3 kids decide to melt down at the same time. 

The real beauty is in the learning. The knowledge that now my 5 year old son can control his emotions just a little better than he could a year ago. He's not perfect, he still has moments when I want to hide my head in the sand, but the beauty is that those moments don't happen as often as they did a year ago. He's growing and I get the witness the beauty of it, not only do I get to witness it I get to be a key ingredient to his growth & development. I am making a difference, even if at times it's hard to see. The same can be said for all 3 of my kids, their development is amazing, beautiful, miraculous.

Motherhood is a miraculous journey. As much as my children grow, mature, overcome, so do I. My children are my most beautiful achievement, and they're so far from being complete! Every season I watch new things unfold and am breathless with the people my munchkins are turning into. When they get it right, I am humbled, because somehow in all my learning & growing, they too grew. I guess I can never say that God didn't use me on this earth, because my children are a testimony that my life has purpose.

My Mother, My Daughter

At this time in 16 more days I will be getting to hug my mom!!! It's been too long.  They have been serving the Lord in Hawaii & Tahiti for the last 5 months.  I have missed my parents sooo much.  I am constantly hearing about Hawaii from my kids, wanting to know when Grandma & Grandpa will be home.  I miss being able to talk to my mom, hang out with her, watch her play with my children, getting hugs when I need them most.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother.  We had our share of struggles while I was growing up, but I have never met a more amazing woman than my mother.  She is a strong & loving woman.  She has experienced a lot of life in her lifetime & has grown in wisdom & grace.  My children are so lucky that I broke her in & made her such a wonderful grandmother!!! I cannot wait for her to be an actively present part of our lives again!  We have done the skype thing & talked on the phone, but it's not the same as hugs & face to face quality time.

I hope my mama has a good Mother's Day a whole country away from us... I will miss her so much, but am so blessed that she is only a timezone away & not a lifetime...  I think we're in for a mother daughter day when she gets home though!  I pray that I will be able to be as good as a mother as mine, actually I hope to be an even better mother, although I'm really not sure how that is possible!  But my mother taught me so much.  She always encouraged me, stood beside me, let me cry, tried to understand, taught me who God was & taught me to learn to see myself through His eyes.  I am a woman & was a girl.  Sure I experienced insecurities, and still do, but I have always known who I was in the eyes of my Lord.  In the core, my heart of hearts, I know, I may fight with all my might to believe it sometimes, but there is no doubt.  I have my mother to thank for that.  She always believed in me, always loved me, always told me I was beautiful.  She raised me from a little baby, I made her cry many times & I'm sure I drove her half crazy, a lot of the time, I am a girl after all!  But she never stopped loving me.  I am so thankful for the example I had of a godly woman.  I hope I can be an example to my daughter.

I am learning what little girls are made of.  My beautiful little daughter is just over 2 years old now.  I am learning so much about myself while raising her.  I am challenged so often by my pint size mini me.  I have found the things that drive me nuts the most about my daughter are things that I see in myself!  I wonder if it was the same for my mother?  I wonder if I challenged her to grow so she could be "worthy" of raising me.  I'm pretty sure I was and am her treasure, Abigail is mine.  I love watching my little girl practically prance around the neighborhood, walk in my heels & face life with a pure joy I have never seen before.  Before you think girls are a dream, the truth is, they're not!  They are emotional little people, even when so young!  Abigail is actually great right now, but a couple months ago, she had to have a little extra "loving work" put into her! 

I wondered why God ever gave me a little girl, boys are so much more simple!  I think he gave me a little girl to challenge me.  To make me a more godly woman.  To teach me humility.  To bless me.  Because the bottom line is that Abigail is one of my 4 greatest blessings.  She is the only blessing that has come in a pink package, but the joys of that pink package are amazing!!!  She is teaching me so much and she is the sweetest little girl ever!  I look forward to all the girly things that I get to experience with her.  I love her hugs, girls just know how to hug!  There is no one more beautiful than my daughter, she is beauty inside shining out. 



My Mama is beauty inside shining out as well.  I have never met somebody who didn't like my mom... And if they didn't we're probably not friends, since I'm probably a lot like my mom!  My mama loves people.  She loves me, my husband and my kids.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  I hurt for those who do not know their mothers, who cannot look at their mothers with love.  Who have not known the love a mother.  I know in this next season of our lives I'll be seeing more kids who don't know the love of a mother.  I pray that they will find that love in our home.  I pray that I will be a godly woman who can share my love with the little friends my children bring home.  I pray that God will fill in all the gaps that my imperfect mothering cannot.  That one day my children will look at me and see a godly woman and be thankful for the example I was for them.  I have so much to learn, so much to strive for.  My mothering journey is only 6 years in after all!  May the grace of God rest on me and my house, may his presence be felt in our home, and may he reign in our lives.

A Lifetime

There is something special about sleeping children. Last night I peeked in the kids rooms, just to see them sleeping. They are so beautiful & in that moment perfect. You forget that they were little monsters just a few short hours ago, testing patience you didn't even think you had! It's like looking at old pictures... They are quiet, beautiful, full of good memories and it's that moment you never want to forget and you are flooded with love all over again. Do you want to go back to that time? No, not if you fully remember it, really take the time to feel what was going on then. Life was made for moving forward, not living in the past. It was made to be a lifetime of joy & happiness, not a moment. It's the moments everyday that are special, the hug in the morning, the little hand in yours as you walk through the store, that over the years gets bigger & bigger. Yep, one day that little hand will be bigger than mine, but I am so glad that I get to be the one holding it. I love to look at pictures & remember, but if I remember hard enough I realize that I wouldn't want to go back because I would miss the now & the things to come.

I admit I was a little sad thinking that someday I won't be able to peek in on my sleeping children, once they're grown & on their own. But then I opened my bedroom door & was flooded with love all over again as I saw my husband sleeping in our bed. He's pretty amazing to watch sleeping as well, as I'm sure his mother thought at one point in time! When my children are gone, I will still have the man that helped me make such beautiful life. And I felt like the luckiest woman in the world, still do! And I might as well be honest, we're gonna have A LOT of fun when we don't have to find a babysitter anymore!!! Life was made for living, for moving on, for a lifetime of the little moments that make it amazing. And I cannot think of anything better than spending a lifetime loving my family.

Kitty Castle

 It was kitty castle weekend! We spent the whole weekend over at Nana & Papa's building the famed kitty castle. Seriously, I don't think there is a thing those Farr men cannot do! What started out as a little cabinet to hide the kitty's bathroom in, turned into a full on castle, compliments of my ingenious husband!


This last weekend we lived the good life. It was sunny outside, the kids ran around Nana & Papa's yard. Dominic & Gabriel got to nail things & stain Papa's fence, they had so much fun helping. There is nothing better than spending time with family, having good conversations, working side by side, it's my own personal heaven on earth.

Reptile Man

This is how we spent Wednesday morning. The Reptile Man came to preschool! All three of the kids loved it! I think Abigail had the silliest permi-grin on her face the whole time. She was in love with the tortoise! She cried so hard every time I took her off so another kid could have a turn sitting on him. I managed to get a pic of all three kids together, courtesy of Mr Tortoise!

Dominic had a doctor appointment today and they got suckers when they left. Gabriel and his cousin, Conner, picked out blue suckers. When we were driving home Dominic was laughing at their blue tongues. I asked him what the reptile man had said about blue tongues, one of the lizards had a blue tongue. He told me, "they trick you. they make other animals think they have poison." That kid remembers what you say. He is my smarty pants and you only need to tell him something one time and he will remember.

Gabriel had no problem jumping with the enjoyment. Although I would say he was a little unsure about the crocodile on his head! I love his little grin, like he just doesn't know what to think, but his brother wasn't afraid. Abigail was meant to live with the reptiles! When he was giving his talk she goes running up to see the cobra, of course I'm chasing her, but that girl has no fear!

I loved seeing my kids smiles. I will always remember these fun things that we get to do. I don't know if they'll remember these times of when they're little, but I know I will always treasure these moments. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is priceless. And I love days like these, when we get to play all day and do special things. We are so blessed.

Walk in Humility

Have you ever been called to pray a prayer that honestly scared you to death? Have you wrestled with being able to step out and speak the words? Have you waited hoping that you could be called to a different prayer? And yet the same theme keeps popping up. And you know you've been on this journey for awhile, but you just figured out what one exact part of it was & you are so scared of what else this specific part of the journey may entail? Yep, that's where I am. My journey is humility.

Today I was able to pray the prayer that scares the spit out of me. "Lord, teach me to be humble." Yep, that was the exact beginning to my prayer. Lord, I feel you taking me on this journey of humility. Lord, I am afraid to pray this, but I will because I know that this is what you have for me. I know this is what is best for me... Lord, teach me to be humble. Show me what humility is. Even as I pray this I am bawling my eyes out, because I am afraid of what you might have for me, although I know that what you have for me is best. I also know that growing can be painful, but I am your child & I know you love me. I know I cannot be fully surrendered to you if I cannot pray the prayer that you have called me to in this season. So, Lord, I surrender, teach me to be humble.

I don't know why I am sharing this with you, but at the same time I want to be real. I have known for a few weeks that this is what I needed to pray. I have fought it because I don't know how God is going to work in my life. Honestly, I think I have been in the process of being humbled for a couple years now and it's not a fun place to be. But growing is never fun, it's work and it's good work. There is such sweet release when you surrender your will to the one who made you. And there are so many moments of beauty admits the pain. Then the joy of seeing where you were and where God has you now. So, it's a journey I am glad to take because I know the outcome will be beautiful.

I am at peace. It is so amazing the peace that washes over you when you say, "ok, not my will, but yours be done." So, I will leave you with a couple verses that are speaking to me right now...

Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Ephesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

Refreshing

Yesterday I got home from Women's Retreat. And what a treat it was! We spent the weekend at Semiahmoo Resort, this was my 4th time there and it is beautiful! There is no better place to sit & see the beauty that our God created. And the even more beautiful thing is that I got to see the beauty of his creation in nature and people, the women of our church are amazing!

I have been so tired and life has just been the same thing over & over. This is not a bad thing, I actually enjoy the predictable, but the tired was getting old. I knew I needed some time to myself to recharge & reassess where I am standing with God. To have uninterrupted time with Him is not the easiest thing when you have 3 little ones! Now I know that sounds like an excuse, but I'm not here making excuses, I know full well that I have not been prioritizing that time like I should. And so, retreat was my kick start.

God is faithful to meet us where we are. He knew exactly what I needed, even though quite honestly I did not. I remember the first night, saying "God, I don't really know what I need, I don't know even what I am feeling, but you know. Meet me here, refresh me & do your work." So, Saturday I had the pleasure of playing with friends & getting to know them on an even deeper level, which is such a treat when somebody shares their stories with you. I love people's stories, I may not remember every detail, but it's always amazing to see how alike we really all are.

Then Saturday night, after our speaker, God met with me. We had talked earlier, but I needed more, still unsure of what that was. We were doing our end of the night worship & his presence just swept over me. I knew he was there, he was holding me, smiling at me, there. I just sat, saying "Thank you, God. Thank you for knowing what I needed, even when it was just the simple." All I needed was to feel his presence undeniably strong. I sat & prayed it would never end as tears rolled down my cheeks & my refreshment came.

This was the sweetest part of retreat for me. God meeting me where I am, knowing exactly what I needed, even when I had no clue. I just had to share, because in case you don't know what you need, he does. And he is faithful to give us what we need, just ask. He will not deny us what we need. He knows us better than we know ourselves, for that I am beyond thankful, I am amazed. 

Here's To Me

Well, tomorrow another year will have passed... By many standards I am still young, my age is something I've actually hidden a lot. I've always felt nobody would take me seriously if they knew how old I really was. I don't feel that as much now as I did when I first had Dominic, but when I compare my age to other mother's of like aged children I do feel young. I will be turning 27 tomorrow. So now by the average age calculation I have been married for 2 years & will be having my first child this year. I guess I've never done anything the average way. I have lived a lot of life in my short 27 years. I still have so much life to live, if I live the average life expectancy of a female, I think I have about 51 years left!!!

So what has life given me in my not average 27 years. My statistics, so to speak... Married 7 years, which we got married a few weeks before I turned 20. I'm not sure how long people date before getting married, but we did for 8 months & 8 days, from the time we first said hello. It's probably safe to say that that is not the average! We then went on to have 3 beautiful children, in less than 3 years! I briefly looked to see if there was an average age span between siblings, I found 3 years... Humm... Failed being average there too! My husband & I have only been intimate with each other, also not average! I graduated from high school a year early, not really that special, but I'm talking about myself today! I have lost all my grandparents, half my aunts & uncles on my dad's side of the family & my dad as well. I have inherited two amazing brothers through the marriage of my mother to my stepfather. I have also lived in another country for a year of my short little life. I have had plenty and I have had little. I have gained & I have lost. And I have lived a life full of hope, joy & love.

I don't know if you would agree, but I have lived a lot of life. I think I have experienced more in my 27 years than most. I am so thankful to be me. So, I am not ashamed of my age. And I do not fear getting older, I actually look forward to it. I know that I am wiser now than I was 5 years ago & I am thankful for that. I am looking forward to all the more wisdom that I have to gain, I am soo far from being a finished work of art. I have many things that I want to improve and it seems the more things that I improve the more I see that needs to be worked on!!!

What I do know is that you never know somebody until you have heard their story. There is so much more to people than what you see from the outside. People are amazing. People are resilient. You may look at somebody & think they're just average & as you get to know them their story knocks you off your feet. My story is not really exciting, it's just not average. But I was just thinking about my life & what I've done & who I am. I like me. And I hope you like me too, but if you don't it's not gonna rock my world, because not everybody clicks & that's ok. So, here's to me!

Stagnant or Rapids

Last year was another year of change for us. I wonder if I'll ever look back on a year & think that nothing really changed. We are after all supposed to always be growing & changing ourselves. But sometimes I think a stagnant year might not be too bad. Until you look up the definition of stagnant. Stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water. Yuck!!! And you know that stagnant water is water that breeds bugs & you drink it & you'll get sick. Stagnant is just not an option.

So maybe if we're characterizing life with water, I think I would want to be a river. I used to think of life as a ocean, but rivers are rough with rapids sometimes & calm & lazy flowing at others. You never know what is around the corner & you never really know which rapids are really going to be a challenge. Last summer Shane & I floated down the river & I was on a buddies tube that was flat on top, my own personal boat... We came up on a set of rapids & I laughed because I knew I wasn't going to get wet, I'm gonna ride this out happy as can be. And we come to it and guess who fell in? Maybe it's part of the whole pride comes before a fall.

You never know what is going to tip you over. You don't know when you're going to fall in... It may very well be the thing that you knew was coming & totally thought you had it handled, but then it brought you to your knees. Not that on your knees is a bad place, it's really a great place, but it's hard. And it hurts & you are begging for it to be over. I also know when you come out on the other side you are forever changed. It's you that gets to choose if the change is good or bad, did you fight to get back on your tube or did you wade to shore & sit in utter defeat?

I fell in the river a couple times last year. I also lazily drifted along in utter peace. It's a river. Sometimes the things that I thought were going to make me fall didn't & the things I thought I had under control crushed me. When I look at myself this year I am happy with who I see, I conquered another year, was it always with grace & beauty, no... But I did pick myself back up & keep going. I lived life, I trusted God, I grew. I have a whole bunch of things I want to work on this year. Stagnant is not an option. I don't want to be stuck, diseased & stinky. At least now if I stink I know a little trip over the rapids will surely clean me up.

Dirty Little Secret

I have a confession to make, it's my dirty little secret. Sometimes I wish I could be drama. Sometimes I crave the attention that all these drama queens get. Now, the truth is that I really don't want to be drama, it's I want the attention. There are days where I just don't really feel that special. I am just your average stay-at-home mother. Thankfully, while the rest of the world finds me normal, uninteresting & boring, my husband has another view of me & he does give me plenty of attention. So the dirty little secret is that I want to be loved & adored by everybody. The truth is out, I actually am a people-pleaser, peace-maker.

I also hate to be the center of attention, most the time. But I like to be in it all. I want to know people are thinking about me & want to be with me. Yep, I know, I'm a living paradox. Maybe that's part of the reason that I always loved being pregnant, because I always felt special then. Everybody wanted to know how I was doing, how I was feeling, thought I was the sweetest thing ever. I was in a subtle way the center of attention. No, I didn't intentionally put myself there in that spot, I just was & being was so special. I'm a crazy lady that loved going into labor because all the nurses fawned over me & then when my babies were born the fawned over both of us, took care of us, made us feel like the most special people in the world. Now, I really do sound like a crazy person!!!

So, I say that I want to be drama, but that's really not the truth. In fact, I try to steer clear of drama & never like to be a part of it. It's like a tornado that twirls & spins around me, but I'm untouched... Untouched & wondering if people even remember me... I'm always shocked when I run into somebody I haven't seen in years & they still remember me. In my eyes I'm nothing special. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my view that's screwed. Maybe I am somebody special to the people that live outside of my home. Maybe, just maybe it's me that needs new eyes. Maybe it's my desire to be the world's best friend that makes me feel inadequate because after all that is too much for any human to be. I can't be everything to everybody, I'm not God after all.

And there is the truth. I am not God after all. What I need is to remind myself of how He sees me. Oh, I know how he sees me & it's a beautiful thing that brings me to tears. So, I guess maybe I don't need to be special because I am already special to him & that really is enough. Yes... It's enough.

Nail Polish

Nobody ever told me the power of nail polish. There are so many things that I'm learning on this journey with Abigail! Nail polish is my new secret weapon. This morning she didn't want to get dressed, so I told her, "let's get you dressed then we will give you pretty nails." She came running over to me, so excited that she was going to get pretty nails. After I got her dressed I had to get up to get the polish, she started crying because she thought I wasn't going to paint her nails! So then Abigail settled on my lap, of course Gabriel had to hold the polish for us, he's really disappointed that he can't wear it, and she holds out her little fingers for me. It's the sweetest thing. Then when she was all done I loved watching her wave her fingers, blow on them & stare with this precious little smile.

I would have to say that seeing that little smile was the highlight of my day. It's so nice seeing that Abi is starting down a new road. This past probably about a week she has decided that she is now happy even when mommy isn't holding her. She has began playing even more by herself. I credit Shane. When he was home last week he told me, "honey, she's almost 2, you shouldn't have to be carrying her around & always entertaining her anymore." I realized that, oh, he's right, what am I doing. So that first couple of days she took quite a few trips to the stairs, crying & screaming because she wasn't getting what she wanted. And now when she starts to throw a little fit I send her to the stairs & it's really the funniest thing... She does her little Abi run to the stairs crying, her hair is bobbing back & forth & she's so little, but there she is obeying!!! Sigh. It's amazing how much more I enjoy her when she's not chained to me! We are still working on it, she still loves to be held a lot, but now I know I can put her down & it's ok. And when all else fails, break out the nail polish!!!