Alright, so this is one of the hardest posts I've ever written. So, before I even begin I want to say who I am and what I believe. I write this strongly rooted in faith, I believe that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible for God. But I also write this as the logical person that I am. I believe that God sometimes has greater plans than my finite mind can conceive. I have experienced this as a child and an adult... I do not know the mind of God. I do not claim the mind of God. I also am an optimistic person, yet still logical, which may seem cynical. So, in describing myself I sound almost like an oxymoron. But just to be clear, faith comes first, then logic. Hope is always first, followed by what I see and have experienced.
If you know me, you would know that I have been married for almost 10 years. When I married my husband, I married his family and was so very blessed because I married into a family that loved me as much as I loved them. Ten years ago I met my husband, his family and his little sister. Hannah was 12 at the time, she was the little sister that I always wanted. Over the last 10 years we packed all the sisterly love of a lifetime into 10 years! And I love her so much today, she has grown into a pretty awesome lady. She got married about 3 years ago to her high school sweetheart, Josh, and just over a year and a half ago they had their first child, Ella.
Hannah and Josh are currently 21 weeks pregnant with their second child. About two weeks ago they went into the doctor for a routine ultrasound and found out that they were having another little girl. We are all so excited for the little addition to their family, but when doing the ultrasound they found something that they wanted to take another look at. So, last Friday Hannah and Josh went in for another ultrasound. At this ultrasound the doctor found something alarming, there was a mass on Baby's neck, and they were quick to give our parent's to be a scary prognosis.
The appointment was made to get a better look and find out more at the University of Washington. Yesterday, Monday June 9th, Josh and Hannah went in for further testing. At this point they were told that Baby has a Lymphatic Malformation, don't bother googling it there's not much out there. This is a very rare thing for a baby to have and there is no known cause for this malformation, the doctor's see one or less of them every year, with mixed outcomes. What you do need to know is that this makes Hannah's pregnancy a high risk pregnancy. It is a very scary place for a mother and father to be, it's very uncertain and there are many things that they and the doctor's will be finding out as they go along. One thing that is certain at this point is that she will be delivering at the UW and that her pregnancy from this point on will not be "normal." Also, once Baby is born, she will take up residence at Children's Hospital for a few weeks or more depending on her condition.
Their next appointment will be in three weeks on Monday, June 30th. At that point the doctor's will do another ultrasound and probably some other tests. They have shared a few different scenarios with Josh and Hannah but at this time it is undetermined what the course of action for their unique case will be. As we face each appointment we will know a little more, as much of it depends on the growth of the mass. The mass is currently 1 inch in size and Baby is approximately the size of a banana. As a visual, the mass currently extends from Baby's collarbone to her jaw line and is not obstructing any vital organs at this point.
Where does that leave us? It leaves us on our knees. We serve a God who loves to make the impossible possible. God is the great physician, he can heal our little girl. We are praying that the mass will not grow. We are praying that if it does grow that it will not grow fast. The longer Baby can be inside Mama, the better... Baby is not strong enough to be a preemie and face the challenges of having a lymphatic malformation. We are praying for God's hands to be with the doctor's and that they will have the wisdom to do what is best for both Hannah and Baby. We are especially praying for God's protection over Hannah and Baby. We will keep you updated as we go along.
I would pray that you would be sensitive to their family as they are on this journey, it is not an easy one. And I would pray that you would too continue to rejoice in addition to their family. Every baby no matter how they come into the world, whether they live to be 90 or 9 minutes, is a life changing blessing. We are praying that Hannah and her daughter will both live to see 90!
Monday, June 9, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Find Rest
You know those days you wish you just didn't feel? How often I just want to wrap up in my little cocoon and pretend there is no world around me. I look all around and I see madness. My heart grieves. I am numb. I feel as if just as the world is starting to be put back together it crashes down again. I fall to my knees and right as I get back up another wave crashes. I am not unfamiliar with the losses of this world, with the waves crashing and forcing me under. I am always plucked back up but at some point you just say, "Oh, Lord, when does it end?" When can I breath? Just as I start to feel the sun a cloud comes. Life is heavy.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28-29
I must be missing something to feel so heavy. It's the release of the burden on my heavenly father. But I do release, it just seems that as soon as I release something there is something else again in my hands. It is a constant giving it to God. And giving the next thing to him to. Just like the waves of the ocean... Sometimes the ocean is calm and its a gentle roar, waves lapping on the shore. Other times it's a storm. The waves crush you and pull you under. You reach out to be rescued and as you catch a breath of air you are pulled back under once again. Release, release, release. Oh so weary.
I have peace. My peace is found resting in the arms of God. I do have peace, but I wonder sometimes why do we have to go through this at all. When can we be done? I know what is birthed through the pain. I would not trade who I am for an easier life. I also know that there are many with harder or more tragic lives.
I often feel like the storm is raging all outside my four walls. My home is a shelter in the storm. In the night it is in the quiet that I meet my Lord. And it's in the quiet that I get to lay in the arms of a man who shelters me to the best of his human ability. I am so covered in grace and love, so very blessed. But waves and trials are not something that you can run from... Growth is not something you can hide from, it happens inside you. You cannot run from yourself, you cannot run from God.
Tenderness isn't something I should avoid. God tells us to laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn. He made us to feel. He knew that we would be overcome with emotions we could not begin to describe. He knows my day before my sleepy eyes open. I could choose to be hard, sometimes I do choose to be hard on the exterior. It's in the quiet that I deal with my emotions, this is where I process. Where it is safe. Safe in my four walls, I can cry or laugh or whatever random emotion I have for unknown and known reasons. I am a complex little mess. Sometimes I want to cry just because I need to cry and I don't even know why. And then I go and snuggle next to my human comforter... God really knew what he was doing when he gave me my husband. He gave me a man that often knows me better than I know myself...
I wonder if being in a tornado is like being in my mind. It will be the little things that I cannot deal with and then you explode the earth on me and I'm ok... That is not normal. How can I listen to a raging child, a broken heart and just be. But the emotions come, the processing happens, it's in the safe quiet of my home. Am I broken? Or was I built for storms? No, I'm not always calm, but there are so many times when I look and think, I shouldn't be calm right now but I am. I don't even understand myself sometimes. Maybe it's not that I'm built for storms, maybe it's just that I recognize a storm for what it is and run for the shelter of God. I'm running. I know that is why I felt heavy. I need to run because this is too big for me. I can find rest in the storm.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28-29
I must be missing something to feel so heavy. It's the release of the burden on my heavenly father. But I do release, it just seems that as soon as I release something there is something else again in my hands. It is a constant giving it to God. And giving the next thing to him to. Just like the waves of the ocean... Sometimes the ocean is calm and its a gentle roar, waves lapping on the shore. Other times it's a storm. The waves crush you and pull you under. You reach out to be rescued and as you catch a breath of air you are pulled back under once again. Release, release, release. Oh so weary.
I have peace. My peace is found resting in the arms of God. I do have peace, but I wonder sometimes why do we have to go through this at all. When can we be done? I know what is birthed through the pain. I would not trade who I am for an easier life. I also know that there are many with harder or more tragic lives.
I often feel like the storm is raging all outside my four walls. My home is a shelter in the storm. In the night it is in the quiet that I meet my Lord. And it's in the quiet that I get to lay in the arms of a man who shelters me to the best of his human ability. I am so covered in grace and love, so very blessed. But waves and trials are not something that you can run from... Growth is not something you can hide from, it happens inside you. You cannot run from yourself, you cannot run from God.
Tenderness isn't something I should avoid. God tells us to laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn. He made us to feel. He knew that we would be overcome with emotions we could not begin to describe. He knows my day before my sleepy eyes open. I could choose to be hard, sometimes I do choose to be hard on the exterior. It's in the quiet that I deal with my emotions, this is where I process. Where it is safe. Safe in my four walls, I can cry or laugh or whatever random emotion I have for unknown and known reasons. I am a complex little mess. Sometimes I want to cry just because I need to cry and I don't even know why. And then I go and snuggle next to my human comforter... God really knew what he was doing when he gave me my husband. He gave me a man that often knows me better than I know myself...
I wonder if being in a tornado is like being in my mind. It will be the little things that I cannot deal with and then you explode the earth on me and I'm ok... That is not normal. How can I listen to a raging child, a broken heart and just be. But the emotions come, the processing happens, it's in the safe quiet of my home. Am I broken? Or was I built for storms? No, I'm not always calm, but there are so many times when I look and think, I shouldn't be calm right now but I am. I don't even understand myself sometimes. Maybe it's not that I'm built for storms, maybe it's just that I recognize a storm for what it is and run for the shelter of God. I'm running. I know that is why I felt heavy. I need to run because this is too big for me. I can find rest in the storm.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Ramblings
It's hard to believe that another school year is coming to a close. This has been the hardest school year ever for me. I have also learned a lot and grown a lot. I do not like to grow, although I know it is essential!
I have said over and over that I love our school. I will say it again, I do love our school. But just because I love the people there doesn't mean it's a good fit for all my children. School doesn't get out until next Thursday, but Dominic has been out of school for about two weeks now. Or maybe it's just been a week and the prior week was the foreshadowing week, I honestly can't remember at this moment. You see, that scary word, homeschool, has been something running through my mind throughout this entire year. It's the back up plan, the if I really have to do it then I will plan. It's now the plan for next year...
Dominic for whatever reason is done. School was not working for him... He is extremely bright, but the box just doesn't fit everybody. We spent an entire school year walking this out, making adjustments, trying new things. But then when it came down to the end of it, there was nowhere else to go. I realized I could continue to try to make this work, to try and shove you in this box, but what I came to realize is that the box is just not meant for you. In about a matter of a week I saw that this wasn't going to work and I saw that if I tried to make it work it was my boy who was going to be hurt. Since we all know that's not an option, we are starting a new adventure.
This coming fall I will be homeschooling my oldest child. My middle child will be going to first grade at public school and my youngest will be in preschool. There will be no category in life to describe our life choices. I will not be a home school mom, or a public school mom, or just a preschool mom. I will be simply a mom... A mom trying to juggle what is best for each of my three very unique amazing little people. I'm not exactly sure where that makes me fit in the scope of motherhood, because people seem to always want to put mother's in boxes too. It begins from the time that you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. You are a "first time" mom, then you choose to be a "working" or "stay at home" mom. We put labels on everything and frankly the labels don't work. You are never defined by just one thing, yet we draw these silly lines in the sand.
I've never really been a fan of labels or lines in the sand or anything along those lines. So the thought of being a little of everything doesn't scare me too much... Until I think at night, who is going to want to hang out with a girl that is being pulled so many directions and doesn't fit any one lifestyle? I'm not kidding, stupid things like that keep me up, I even texted one of my girlfriends and made her promise to still hang out with me even though I'm going to be homeschooling. Really, we've been friends probably over a decade now and I feel the need to make sure she'll still like me??? Yep, I'm a crazy woman! But I guess when life is changing sometimes you gotta make sure that you still got people on your side, and I say that because I have had my friends carry me through many hard times and I've carried them too.
As I've delved into next year I've gone through so many emotions. But the overwhelming emotion is relief. I know me and I know my kids. I know it will be different and hard, but also in a more important aspect it will be rewarding and fun. I am excited for next year, I have no idea what exactly it will look like. I have thoughts, but until I'm there I really have no idea. I worry about how I'm going to make it to the things that have always been fulfilling and important to me. But somehow I will make it to Gabe's class once a week and hopefully MOPS.
In the last week or so it has been so nice having Dominic home. I'm confident that Dominic will keep turning back more and more into the Dominic that we have always known and loved. He had a rough time at school and was starting to become very angry with the world. I know that this is not my boy, and in the short time that we've decided on our life change I've seen him slowly getting happier. Do I expect him to be perfect, definitely not! He will still be full of more energy than I could ever hope to harness, he will still be distracted by the wind, he will still sing around the house at the top of his lungs (we really are working on harnessing the noise), and he will still rage at the injustices of the world and still fight with his siblings, hopefully less... But the undercurrent of his life will be joy. And that is all I could ever ask for.
I have said over and over that I love our school. I will say it again, I do love our school. But just because I love the people there doesn't mean it's a good fit for all my children. School doesn't get out until next Thursday, but Dominic has been out of school for about two weeks now. Or maybe it's just been a week and the prior week was the foreshadowing week, I honestly can't remember at this moment. You see, that scary word, homeschool, has been something running through my mind throughout this entire year. It's the back up plan, the if I really have to do it then I will plan. It's now the plan for next year...
Dominic for whatever reason is done. School was not working for him... He is extremely bright, but the box just doesn't fit everybody. We spent an entire school year walking this out, making adjustments, trying new things. But then when it came down to the end of it, there was nowhere else to go. I realized I could continue to try to make this work, to try and shove you in this box, but what I came to realize is that the box is just not meant for you. In about a matter of a week I saw that this wasn't going to work and I saw that if I tried to make it work it was my boy who was going to be hurt. Since we all know that's not an option, we are starting a new adventure.
This coming fall I will be homeschooling my oldest child. My middle child will be going to first grade at public school and my youngest will be in preschool. There will be no category in life to describe our life choices. I will not be a home school mom, or a public school mom, or just a preschool mom. I will be simply a mom... A mom trying to juggle what is best for each of my three very unique amazing little people. I'm not exactly sure where that makes me fit in the scope of motherhood, because people seem to always want to put mother's in boxes too. It begins from the time that you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. You are a "first time" mom, then you choose to be a "working" or "stay at home" mom. We put labels on everything and frankly the labels don't work. You are never defined by just one thing, yet we draw these silly lines in the sand.
I've never really been a fan of labels or lines in the sand or anything along those lines. So the thought of being a little of everything doesn't scare me too much... Until I think at night, who is going to want to hang out with a girl that is being pulled so many directions and doesn't fit any one lifestyle? I'm not kidding, stupid things like that keep me up, I even texted one of my girlfriends and made her promise to still hang out with me even though I'm going to be homeschooling. Really, we've been friends probably over a decade now and I feel the need to make sure she'll still like me??? Yep, I'm a crazy woman! But I guess when life is changing sometimes you gotta make sure that you still got people on your side, and I say that because I have had my friends carry me through many hard times and I've carried them too.
As I've delved into next year I've gone through so many emotions. But the overwhelming emotion is relief. I know me and I know my kids. I know it will be different and hard, but also in a more important aspect it will be rewarding and fun. I am excited for next year, I have no idea what exactly it will look like. I have thoughts, but until I'm there I really have no idea. I worry about how I'm going to make it to the things that have always been fulfilling and important to me. But somehow I will make it to Gabe's class once a week and hopefully MOPS.
In the last week or so it has been so nice having Dominic home. I'm confident that Dominic will keep turning back more and more into the Dominic that we have always known and loved. He had a rough time at school and was starting to become very angry with the world. I know that this is not my boy, and in the short time that we've decided on our life change I've seen him slowly getting happier. Do I expect him to be perfect, definitely not! He will still be full of more energy than I could ever hope to harness, he will still be distracted by the wind, he will still sing around the house at the top of his lungs (we really are working on harnessing the noise), and he will still rage at the injustices of the world and still fight with his siblings, hopefully less... But the undercurrent of his life will be joy. And that is all I could ever ask for.
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