I have always said that children naturally progress on their own. My children have always moved onto the next milestone without too much effort, like a little light goes on in their head and they get it. I would say that I am a pretty easy going parent, I know that it can be hard to sit back and say that they will naturally progress, but they will. They are little people after all and will do things in their own time and their own way. I don't like to force things in life, I like to know that what a person does or says is because it is truly what they desire to do or what they really think, not because it's the right answer or I told them they had to. I believe in authenticity. I think, in that, I believe in God given progress, we are after all God designed, so it's only logical that he would design us to progress into what we need when we need it.
My
boys couldn't be more different. I have Dominic my always ahead
academically child who struggles with being a student and then I have
Gabe who is a model student that is just a pinch behind academically.
But this week I saw my Dominic make great strides at being a better
student and Gabe making great strides in his academic performance.
In
my experiences not always is that progress easy. We have had a fall season full of work. We have worked to get where we are. I have spent hours working with Gabe to help him get to where he needs to be. I have spent even more time and sleepless nights trying to figure out how to help Dominic thrive. We have been blessed with an amazing school and teachers who have worked with us all to get to where we are. I am beyond thankful for the time that I get to spend at school in my kids classrooms because none of the obstacles have taken me by surprise and when we come to them it's much easier to figure it out with somebody you know and that you know is on your side.
I know even in my own life
that a lot of these "natural progressions" have come through hours on my knees begging to get through. I would not be who I am without having gone through what I have, fought the battles I have fought and come out on the other side forever changed. I know I am growing in character and the pain is worth the reward, even if the reward isn't seen on this side of heaven. The greatest rewards we won't see here on this earth, they are waiting for us on the other side. Talk about an encouragement, because I don't know if you're like me, but there are some pretty awesome rewards here, all I have to do is look in on my sleeping children and into the eyes of my husband who loves me more than I can even understand. I am beyond blessed, no matter the struggle I come out praising the God who brought me through. It is his strength that beings me through and his blessings are all around me.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Restoration of Hope
Dare I begin to dream again? Oh, Lord, let your blessings continue to shower down. I say continue because even as we have been in a tough season he has been so faithful to uphold us and carry us through. Our love for each other has never faultered in the face of life's trials and loss. Our faith in the hope that Jesus gives us has been hard fought for. And while we are still right where we were a month ago, 4 years ago, there are some changes on the horizon. Is resoration beginning? I dare to dream, to hope, because that is who I am. I know that God has good things for us and I know that in all this I have laid myself down and accepted that my hope, if in heaven alone, is enough for me. And it still is. I just see the potential of blessings on the horizion, and with my dreamer spirit I cannot help but believe for better things.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
There is no doubt of where favor comes from. Only God could bring us through and give us more than we could ask or imagine. I believe that God has good things for us and I held onto that when I saw no good with my eyes and I will always hold onto that. When the world is dark my light comes from Him alone. And when I cannot see his light, I feel it within me. There have been many times that I've had to fight to feel it, to know that he longs to bless us, to give us a future. He never promised an easy life, he told us it's a battle and it is, but when we can no longer fight it, he will fight for us. He will always fight for us, we only need to ask him.
There are more battles to face. Our road is by no means over. But the hope of restoration brings me to my knees with gratitude overflowing. Tears are falling as I write this because I could not be more thankful that my God has not forgotten me. All glory goes to him alone, because our human hands cannot bring the love of Jesus to our world, our home. Thank you, Lord, for restoring hope and a future. You are good, so very good to us.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
There is no doubt of where favor comes from. Only God could bring us through and give us more than we could ask or imagine. I believe that God has good things for us and I held onto that when I saw no good with my eyes and I will always hold onto that. When the world is dark my light comes from Him alone. And when I cannot see his light, I feel it within me. There have been many times that I've had to fight to feel it, to know that he longs to bless us, to give us a future. He never promised an easy life, he told us it's a battle and it is, but when we can no longer fight it, he will fight for us. He will always fight for us, we only need to ask him.
There are more battles to face. Our road is by no means over. But the hope of restoration brings me to my knees with gratitude overflowing. Tears are falling as I write this because I could not be more thankful that my God has not forgotten me. All glory goes to him alone, because our human hands cannot bring the love of Jesus to our world, our home. Thank you, Lord, for restoring hope and a future. You are good, so very good to us.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
It's Really About Service
I have a great marriage. I do not say it lightly or with pride. I say it to state a fact... Do I have a perfect marriage? No, not at all, not even close. I fail daily, I have some things I am working on and I'm not always sunshine & butterflies. That being said, I have a great marriage. I've spent my life observing marriages, more so after I got married as I knew more married people then. I have observed many many couples, some with marriages that I would say are great and some that I would say are not so great and some that I would even say are toxic.
I was wondering to myself this night, why do some people have these just hard marriages. I know details of a lot of them and could tell you their struggles and what they're doing right and what they're doing wrong, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm not calling people out, because I am not qualified to do that and I don't judge, I just observe, mostly because I'm nosey. What I have decided is that the reason I have a great marriage is because I serve my husband. And in return he serves me.
I realized this as I was in the kitchen with my husband this evening with his parents and we were bantering over who was more spoiled. I said, "I have never met a more spoiled husband than you." His reply was the same. Now, in my head I could try to list ways that other women are more spoiled than me, but I realized with the things that counted most to me, it was true, I am a very spoiled wife. I have been constructively criticized before for spoiling my husband and that I do it more than I should. But as I've gotten older I realized, spoiling my man is a good thing. Because I'm not really spoiling him, I am serving him. I am putting his needs before my own wants. I am saying that the health of our marriage directly effects the health of who I am as an individual. And I am saying that he is worth the couple extra minutes to do the little things that make him feel valued and loved and served.
It's funny how society says to take what you can and to look out for yourself, but if you truly want to love and have purpose in life you do just the opposite. Fulfillment is found in service. It's found outside of myself. It's in the every day of raising children and loving my husband. It's in the monotonous tasks that are you never see the end and the only reason you do them is because they need to be done, but honey, that's service.
Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Colossians 3:23
My attitude is the difference. Am I doing this for myself or for my family? You know one of my favorite kinds of people to make dinner for? My hubby's single guy friends! Do I even need to tell you why? They always remind me that what I do matters, that's it's special, important, good... Even if my children or even hubby have ceased to see the novelty of a home cooked meal, they remind me that no, indeed it is a act of service. My attitude is the difference.
I often wonder if people even hear what I have to say. Advice I have to give. I can get frustrated with people's actions, attitudes and disregard. But if somebody doesn't want to listen to what I have to say why should I care? I am not responsible for them, I cannot live their lives for them. I can share what I've learned and it is for them to decide what to do with said knowledge. Maybe I am pretty insignificant to society, but I am not insignificant to my family and that is who I've been put on this earth to serve at this time in my life. And if they are the only people that I touch in this world, then that is enough for me because they are my world. Yes, I know I have touched people outside of my four walls, but this is all to say that I am ok with my four walls being it for me. And I would say that if you want a life of fulfillment, stop looking at yourself and trying to serve yourself, look at the people within your four walls and then as you can extend that service as far as you can.
I was wondering to myself this night, why do some people have these just hard marriages. I know details of a lot of them and could tell you their struggles and what they're doing right and what they're doing wrong, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm not calling people out, because I am not qualified to do that and I don't judge, I just observe, mostly because I'm nosey. What I have decided is that the reason I have a great marriage is because I serve my husband. And in return he serves me.
I realized this as I was in the kitchen with my husband this evening with his parents and we were bantering over who was more spoiled. I said, "I have never met a more spoiled husband than you." His reply was the same. Now, in my head I could try to list ways that other women are more spoiled than me, but I realized with the things that counted most to me, it was true, I am a very spoiled wife. I have been constructively criticized before for spoiling my husband and that I do it more than I should. But as I've gotten older I realized, spoiling my man is a good thing. Because I'm not really spoiling him, I am serving him. I am putting his needs before my own wants. I am saying that the health of our marriage directly effects the health of who I am as an individual. And I am saying that he is worth the couple extra minutes to do the little things that make him feel valued and loved and served.
It's funny how society says to take what you can and to look out for yourself, but if you truly want to love and have purpose in life you do just the opposite. Fulfillment is found in service. It's found outside of myself. It's in the every day of raising children and loving my husband. It's in the monotonous tasks that are you never see the end and the only reason you do them is because they need to be done, but honey, that's service.
Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Colossians 3:23
My attitude is the difference. Am I doing this for myself or for my family? You know one of my favorite kinds of people to make dinner for? My hubby's single guy friends! Do I even need to tell you why? They always remind me that what I do matters, that's it's special, important, good... Even if my children or even hubby have ceased to see the novelty of a home cooked meal, they remind me that no, indeed it is a act of service. My attitude is the difference.
I often wonder if people even hear what I have to say. Advice I have to give. I can get frustrated with people's actions, attitudes and disregard. But if somebody doesn't want to listen to what I have to say why should I care? I am not responsible for them, I cannot live their lives for them. I can share what I've learned and it is for them to decide what to do with said knowledge. Maybe I am pretty insignificant to society, but I am not insignificant to my family and that is who I've been put on this earth to serve at this time in my life. And if they are the only people that I touch in this world, then that is enough for me because they are my world. Yes, I know I have touched people outside of my four walls, but this is all to say that I am ok with my four walls being it for me. And I would say that if you want a life of fulfillment, stop looking at yourself and trying to serve yourself, look at the people within your four walls and then as you can extend that service as far as you can.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
I Cling
I was not built for this world. I am not responsible for the pain, sorrow, and suffering of this world. I cannot fix all the wrongs. I cannot choose people's attitudes, perspectives and priorities. I am responsible for myself, my own attitude, perspective and priorities. I cannot let empathy rule over my life. I can choose to not drown in the sorrows of the world. I am strong enough because I cling to my savior.
I cling. Like a child who cannot swim would cling to a piling in the ocean as the tide is rising. I cling because if I fall I will drown. I am tired, I am worn out, but I will cling for all my life is worth. I dig deep into my soul because I know that my father is going to come and lift me off the piling. He will encircle his arms around me and I will find rest and safety. But today I cling. Because maybe sometimes we have to show that we believe, that we can dig deep. Sometimes we are given just enough, just enough so we can remember our utter dependence on the one who knows us better than we know ourselves. And when we think we've been clinging on the piling long enough, that it should be our time to thrive, we continue to cling because we know that his timing is perfect. We know he has a purpose, we know he is building something beautiful and we know that indeed we will have a time to thrive.
I am clinging. I know it's not really a fun place to be. It is not where all my dreams come true. But I do believe that I am clinging because he is building something beautiful in me. I know that when I come to a place of rest I will be glad for this time in my life, because at that point I will know that I would not be who I am then if I was not the person that I am now.
As I cling I throw my hands back and surrender to the waters. I float with my hands spread, my hair fanned around me and my body pushed by the tides stronger than I. I am not in control, all I can do is surrender. To fight is only to prolong the process. Surrender is the ultimate clinging, surrender to the one whom I cling to, the one who always rescues me.
I cling. Like a child who cannot swim would cling to a piling in the ocean as the tide is rising. I cling because if I fall I will drown. I am tired, I am worn out, but I will cling for all my life is worth. I dig deep into my soul because I know that my father is going to come and lift me off the piling. He will encircle his arms around me and I will find rest and safety. But today I cling. Because maybe sometimes we have to show that we believe, that we can dig deep. Sometimes we are given just enough, just enough so we can remember our utter dependence on the one who knows us better than we know ourselves. And when we think we've been clinging on the piling long enough, that it should be our time to thrive, we continue to cling because we know that his timing is perfect. We know he has a purpose, we know he is building something beautiful and we know that indeed we will have a time to thrive.
I am clinging. I know it's not really a fun place to be. It is not where all my dreams come true. But I do believe that I am clinging because he is building something beautiful in me. I know that when I come to a place of rest I will be glad for this time in my life, because at that point I will know that I would not be who I am then if I was not the person that I am now.
As I cling I throw my hands back and surrender to the waters. I float with my hands spread, my hair fanned around me and my body pushed by the tides stronger than I. I am not in control, all I can do is surrender. To fight is only to prolong the process. Surrender is the ultimate clinging, surrender to the one whom I cling to, the one who always rescues me.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Equal Sin; A Humble Perspective
Is something ever heavy on your heart? Heavy that you know it's not going to be popular and that some people may decide that they hate you for saying it? Heavy that you know that you need to let people know where you stand? I pray that as I write this you will see my heart, if you do not already know it. Alright, I got to lay on the heavy at my doorstep first then extend it to the world.
I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the history of the church we stopped calling sin sin. We started using pretty words to dress up the ugly truth. Pretty little words such as worry and pride. We became known for our judgementalism, so quick to point out the sin in others and have our eyes closed to our own, after all ours was a pretty little word called pride.
Matthew 7:1-5 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
1 John 3:15 "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them."
James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."
There is the heavy at my own doorstep. This is even why I hesitate to write what I have to write. I know I am far from perfect and about a year ago I started really looking at myself, my attitudes, thoughts, and choices. I started calling the sin in my life exactly that, sin. I didn't call it worry, well I did, but I acknowledged that it wasn't just a pretty word, it was a sin. Pride is sin. Playing judge and jury is a sin, although I believe it's connected to another little one we call pride. But guess what, whatever our sin, it keeps us from God. I am not writing this to point out one specific sin, because I know that I am as guilty as the next guy. Some people think that there is levels of sin, but the truth is that it all keeps us from God. Yes, some sin has a greater consequence here on earth, obviously if you murder somebody you will go to jail, but if you are prideful your greatest consequence will be that separation from God and possibly people not really liking you for character traits that you portray.
All this is said to hopefully give you a snap shot of my heart. To challenge you, if you call yourself a Christian. To ask myself, does my life really look any different? I am looking to myself first before telling you my heart on a topic that if you agree with know that I am not here to judge, that is actually the farthest thing from my mind. I just want people to know where I stand, just as you do. I want people to know where I stand in the fact that I want you to know that yes, I am different. Some may call me old fashioned and that is ok with me, because if you ask me the bible is not old fashioned. It is just a relevant today as it was thousands of years ago.
Pride, worry, anger, murder, homosexuality are all sins. Our country condones sin, they legalize sin. Everywhere I look equal marriage and homosexuality is thrown in my face. I usually just keep my mouth shut because I do not want to offend. I fear that my objection will be seen as being judgmental or that I hate the people who have made this choice for their life. That is so far from the truth. As I write this my eyes are tearing up because I am so afraid that people will not see my heart, which is to simply say this is who I am this is what a believe and if you have chosen this lifestyle I still love you but I cannot say that it is ok. I cannot say that I approve because I have chosen to live by a law higher than I. I believe in God and his word, the Bible. And I also want to admonish other Christians that we are to hate the sin, not the people. In fact, we should love the people even more, because didn't Christ indeed die for all the sins of the world. In his dying breaths he looked to the thief beside him and said that his sins were forgiven and he would see him today in paradise. Nobody has ever been won over with hate and judgement, but also if we do not stand up state what we believe we are not doing what we have been called to. To be a witness, to love people just as Christ loved us. I know I mess up all the time and I know I am so thankful for the grace and forgiveness of my heavenly father.
I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the history of the church we stopped calling sin sin. We started using pretty words to dress up the ugly truth. Pretty little words such as worry and pride. We became known for our judgementalism, so quick to point out the sin in others and have our eyes closed to our own, after all ours was a pretty little word called pride.
Matthew 7:1-5 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
1 John 3:15 "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them."
James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."
There is the heavy at my own doorstep. This is even why I hesitate to write what I have to write. I know I am far from perfect and about a year ago I started really looking at myself, my attitudes, thoughts, and choices. I started calling the sin in my life exactly that, sin. I didn't call it worry, well I did, but I acknowledged that it wasn't just a pretty word, it was a sin. Pride is sin. Playing judge and jury is a sin, although I believe it's connected to another little one we call pride. But guess what, whatever our sin, it keeps us from God. I am not writing this to point out one specific sin, because I know that I am as guilty as the next guy. Some people think that there is levels of sin, but the truth is that it all keeps us from God. Yes, some sin has a greater consequence here on earth, obviously if you murder somebody you will go to jail, but if you are prideful your greatest consequence will be that separation from God and possibly people not really liking you for character traits that you portray.
All this is said to hopefully give you a snap shot of my heart. To challenge you, if you call yourself a Christian. To ask myself, does my life really look any different? I am looking to myself first before telling you my heart on a topic that if you agree with know that I am not here to judge, that is actually the farthest thing from my mind. I just want people to know where I stand, just as you do. I want people to know where I stand in the fact that I want you to know that yes, I am different. Some may call me old fashioned and that is ok with me, because if you ask me the bible is not old fashioned. It is just a relevant today as it was thousands of years ago.
Pride, worry, anger, murder, homosexuality are all sins. Our country condones sin, they legalize sin. Everywhere I look equal marriage and homosexuality is thrown in my face. I usually just keep my mouth shut because I do not want to offend. I fear that my objection will be seen as being judgmental or that I hate the people who have made this choice for their life. That is so far from the truth. As I write this my eyes are tearing up because I am so afraid that people will not see my heart, which is to simply say this is who I am this is what a believe and if you have chosen this lifestyle I still love you but I cannot say that it is ok. I cannot say that I approve because I have chosen to live by a law higher than I. I believe in God and his word, the Bible. And I also want to admonish other Christians that we are to hate the sin, not the people. In fact, we should love the people even more, because didn't Christ indeed die for all the sins of the world. In his dying breaths he looked to the thief beside him and said that his sins were forgiven and he would see him today in paradise. Nobody has ever been won over with hate and judgement, but also if we do not stand up state what we believe we are not doing what we have been called to. To be a witness, to love people just as Christ loved us. I know I mess up all the time and I know I am so thankful for the grace and forgiveness of my heavenly father.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Love School
It is hard to believe that we are already 2/3 of the way through the school year. It feels like just yesterday I peeled Dominic off me crying because he didn't want to go to school. He had to be physically helped into his class by his teacher. I remember peeling him off me and running around the corner to cry so he wouldn't see me. I wasn't crying because I was upset about him going to school, but I was crying because you can't see your kid upset and bawling and not join in... Isn't that a mother's job after all?
That first month felt like the longest month ever. Every day I took him to school it was the same thing, take him to class, teacher meets us at the door, he's crying, me peeling him off and leaving. I come to pick him up he runs gives me a great big hug and tells me how much fun he had a school. After about a month we were no longer having to be peeled off mama, but he still had a few tears. Then we stopped crying and mama had to watch him settle into class before she could leave. That lasted for a few weeks before we moved on. Now, we all pile out of the car and walk Dominic to class where he gives me a hug and a kiss and then I get to leave. We are happy. It was a process but we made it. I don't think he'll go skipping off to his class alone this year, maybe not even next year, but I am ok with that.
So here we are. 2/3 of the way through the school year. I have to honor of volunteering every Monday afternoon in his classroom. I have fallen in love with those little kindergarteners. I am always greeted with tons of hugs, I get to see what they are learning and help them and their teacher. I will always remember one day when we hadn't had school on a Monday, so I was coming in on Wednesday and when I dropped Dominic off his teacher asked me, "you're coming in today, right?" I answered that yes I was and she sighed and visibly was relieved that I was going to be back that afternoon. I love it. I love knowing the kids in my son's class, I love the funny things that they kids say. I am so proud of the improvement that I have seen in so many of them, just as proud as if they were my own kids. These little people are amazing and I pray that I am having as big of an impact on them as they are on me. I pray for them often and pray that they are loved at home and hope that if they aren't they at least know that they are loved by me, even if it is only once a week and when I see them dropping Dominic off in the morning or picking him up in the afternoon.
That first month felt like the longest month ever. Every day I took him to school it was the same thing, take him to class, teacher meets us at the door, he's crying, me peeling him off and leaving. I come to pick him up he runs gives me a great big hug and tells me how much fun he had a school. After about a month we were no longer having to be peeled off mama, but he still had a few tears. Then we stopped crying and mama had to watch him settle into class before she could leave. That lasted for a few weeks before we moved on. Now, we all pile out of the car and walk Dominic to class where he gives me a hug and a kiss and then I get to leave. We are happy. It was a process but we made it. I don't think he'll go skipping off to his class alone this year, maybe not even next year, but I am ok with that.
So here we are. 2/3 of the way through the school year. I have to honor of volunteering every Monday afternoon in his classroom. I have fallen in love with those little kindergarteners. I am always greeted with tons of hugs, I get to see what they are learning and help them and their teacher. I will always remember one day when we hadn't had school on a Monday, so I was coming in on Wednesday and when I dropped Dominic off his teacher asked me, "you're coming in today, right?" I answered that yes I was and she sighed and visibly was relieved that I was going to be back that afternoon. I love it. I love knowing the kids in my son's class, I love the funny things that they kids say. I am so proud of the improvement that I have seen in so many of them, just as proud as if they were my own kids. These little people are amazing and I pray that I am having as big of an impact on them as they are on me. I pray for them often and pray that they are loved at home and hope that if they aren't they at least know that they are loved by me, even if it is only once a week and when I see them dropping Dominic off in the morning or picking him up in the afternoon.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Silly Boys
My boys are just making me laugh today. I feel like all I want to do is quote them for the rest of my life. I looked at Dominic, who is 6, this afternoon and said that he was looking so grown up. When I asked him why he looked so grown up he tells me, "I am. I'm 6!" Then I asked him if he was an adult and he said, "no, not until I'm like 50." I then asked him if he was going to live with me forever and he gives me the of course silly mother look and raised his arms up while shrugging his shoulder and said, "Yeah, mom, I'm going to marry you." It was such a matter of fact how could I think of anything other than that statement, sigh. I love that boy.
I am treasuring his boyhood. I was talking with a friend just this morning about how quickly they grow up and yet how happy I am that so far my boys seem to be taking their time. We don't have girlfriends or crushes, which some have started to develop, so young! My boys still think girls are great playmates, that they are great friends and I wonder if they would even realize if a girl had a crush on them.
One day a few months after kindergarten started I came in on a Monday afternoon to volunteer in Dominic's classroom. I was greeted with my usual hugs and then one of the little girls whispered in my ear that Kaiya likes Dominic, she called him her hero. Dominic & Kaiya were on the same team in PE and apparently he had caught a ball that was going to hit her, hence his temporary hero status. Of course when I asked him about it later he told me the story as he tells all other stories, no big deal, I caught the ball, she called me her hero, nothing out of the ordinary, just helping out a teammate.
I realize that some day he won't want to marry his mother anymore. He will think a little girl is cute and eventually fall in love and get married. I don't know how much longer I will hold honor of being the woman that he wants to marry, I have a feeling that this will pass before I blink. I can model for him the kind of woman I want him to marry, he can look to his daddy for the kind of man we desire for him to be and I do believe that he will astound us still with what an amazing man he someday becomes, because he has amazed us from the first day he was born, all our children have.
Dominic started the day off rough, he got into some things he shouldn't have gotten into this morning before I came downstairs. He spent a little time in his room and got talked to by his mama. This evening before going to bed we were all cuddling and talking about our day. He informed me, "I had my bad brain on this morning and then I took it off and put on my good brain and I was good the whole rest of the day." then he makes a motion like he's taking it off, he says, "now I have my bad brain on and I'm taking it off and throwing it in the garbage." Oh the things that that boy says, they just crack me up. So, he threw his bad brain in the garbage and I guess I'll have a perfect son for the rest of his life! Ok, maybe not, but as far as he's concerned the bad is gone. And you thought 6 year old boys weren't entertaining, just follow this one around for a day!
Then there is Gabriel. Every night he tells me "good night mommy-pants." A long time ago I couldn't figure out what to call some of their crazy behavior so I would tell them to stop acting crazy-pants. Since then everything in our house has pants. Gabriel is such a funny little kid too. He has a silly sense of humor, and you never really know what you are going to get. I always have to expect the unexpected with that kid. You would think that with how silly he is that he would have an easy time in any environment, but he's actually pretty cautious or shy. He takes things in, watches and then he will head long throw himself in. At home he can be the most stubborn child I know, but then he goes to preschool or discovery club and he is a perfect angel. I would be shocked if I ever got a bad report from discovery club, I always hear about how he's the best behaved kid and such a good listener, now if I can just figure out how to bring that home!
I guess that's probably more than enough psycho mommy babble for one night. But sometimes you just got to get it out of your system. So in the words of Gabriel, to his brother as they're going to bed tonight, "good night farty-pants."
I am treasuring his boyhood. I was talking with a friend just this morning about how quickly they grow up and yet how happy I am that so far my boys seem to be taking their time. We don't have girlfriends or crushes, which some have started to develop, so young! My boys still think girls are great playmates, that they are great friends and I wonder if they would even realize if a girl had a crush on them.
One day a few months after kindergarten started I came in on a Monday afternoon to volunteer in Dominic's classroom. I was greeted with my usual hugs and then one of the little girls whispered in my ear that Kaiya likes Dominic, she called him her hero. Dominic & Kaiya were on the same team in PE and apparently he had caught a ball that was going to hit her, hence his temporary hero status. Of course when I asked him about it later he told me the story as he tells all other stories, no big deal, I caught the ball, she called me her hero, nothing out of the ordinary, just helping out a teammate.
I realize that some day he won't want to marry his mother anymore. He will think a little girl is cute and eventually fall in love and get married. I don't know how much longer I will hold honor of being the woman that he wants to marry, I have a feeling that this will pass before I blink. I can model for him the kind of woman I want him to marry, he can look to his daddy for the kind of man we desire for him to be and I do believe that he will astound us still with what an amazing man he someday becomes, because he has amazed us from the first day he was born, all our children have.
Dominic started the day off rough, he got into some things he shouldn't have gotten into this morning before I came downstairs. He spent a little time in his room and got talked to by his mama. This evening before going to bed we were all cuddling and talking about our day. He informed me, "I had my bad brain on this morning and then I took it off and put on my good brain and I was good the whole rest of the day." then he makes a motion like he's taking it off, he says, "now I have my bad brain on and I'm taking it off and throwing it in the garbage." Oh the things that that boy says, they just crack me up. So, he threw his bad brain in the garbage and I guess I'll have a perfect son for the rest of his life! Ok, maybe not, but as far as he's concerned the bad is gone. And you thought 6 year old boys weren't entertaining, just follow this one around for a day!
Then there is Gabriel. Every night he tells me "good night mommy-pants." A long time ago I couldn't figure out what to call some of their crazy behavior so I would tell them to stop acting crazy-pants. Since then everything in our house has pants. Gabriel is such a funny little kid too. He has a silly sense of humor, and you never really know what you are going to get. I always have to expect the unexpected with that kid. You would think that with how silly he is that he would have an easy time in any environment, but he's actually pretty cautious or shy. He takes things in, watches and then he will head long throw himself in. At home he can be the most stubborn child I know, but then he goes to preschool or discovery club and he is a perfect angel. I would be shocked if I ever got a bad report from discovery club, I always hear about how he's the best behaved kid and such a good listener, now if I can just figure out how to bring that home!
I guess that's probably more than enough psycho mommy babble for one night. But sometimes you just got to get it out of your system. So in the words of Gabriel, to his brother as they're going to bed tonight, "good night farty-pants."
Friday, March 8, 2013
Blessing
Tonight I stood at my kitchen sink and cried while I washed a precious gift from a friend. My dear friend showed up today and handed me a box of china she had purchased for me. It is beautiful, simple & elegant. White plates & tea cups with a gray flower in the middle, I could not have chosen better myself...
What my friend doesn't know and what I was unable to bring the words through my desire to not bawl all over her, is that she is the bearer of God's amazing love toward me. You see, last night I was also bawling... I was feeling so overwhelmed with some of the loss in my life and fighting over the truth in my spirit. I know God is good, but sometimes it feels like a war to continue to trust and hope and knowing beyond knowing. I was feeling a little broken. I was crying out that, "Lord, I want to be refined by you, but it hurts!!! I want to be done. But I know that through it all you are burning away my ugliness and building character and strength." And last night was a beautiful heart wrenching conversation with my Lord and peace and love filled my heart again, with just enough strength to carry on.
Then today my friend shows up with a set of china. I have been wanting a set of china for awhile now, praying that I could find the money and deal on a set. And here she was, with a perfect set for me! I still cry just thinking about it. I am washing it tonight with tears running down my face and a nose constantly sniffling because today God gave me one the desires of my heart through one of his precious daughters. And I am so blessed. My dear friend, you were used by God today, you blessed me so abundantly that you may never know entirely how much. Thank you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, straight from my heart, I love you. You are amazing.
What my friend doesn't know and what I was unable to bring the words through my desire to not bawl all over her, is that she is the bearer of God's amazing love toward me. You see, last night I was also bawling... I was feeling so overwhelmed with some of the loss in my life and fighting over the truth in my spirit. I know God is good, but sometimes it feels like a war to continue to trust and hope and knowing beyond knowing. I was feeling a little broken. I was crying out that, "Lord, I want to be refined by you, but it hurts!!! I want to be done. But I know that through it all you are burning away my ugliness and building character and strength." And last night was a beautiful heart wrenching conversation with my Lord and peace and love filled my heart again, with just enough strength to carry on.
Then today my friend shows up with a set of china. I have been wanting a set of china for awhile now, praying that I could find the money and deal on a set. And here she was, with a perfect set for me! I still cry just thinking about it. I am washing it tonight with tears running down my face and a nose constantly sniffling because today God gave me one the desires of my heart through one of his precious daughters. And I am so blessed. My dear friend, you were used by God today, you blessed me so abundantly that you may never know entirely how much. Thank you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, straight from my heart, I love you. You are amazing.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Real Friends Stalk
Real friends stalk each other! Well, maybe not really, but real friends are intentional. They make sure that they connect with each other, that they know what is going on in the other person's life. Real friendships take work. And real friends give each other grace, because we all know that being a mother means you're super busy! Sometimes it will take me a month to actually make that phone call to my girlfriend, but they are never far from my mind. That's the way of motherhood, just when you think you're going to get that time to call your friend the kids start misbehaving! And you look up at the calendar and for the life of you cannot figure out how it is March because you swore the last time you looked it was November!
I will admit that sometimes I do stalk my friends. I will call them until they call me back and I will forget what I called them for then call them back again! When I want something I guess I make myself pretty hard to ignore. I wasn't always such a stalker, I probably only really turned into one in the last couple of years. I took up the art of stalking when I realized a little bit more of human nature.
Human nature makes you want to run away when life is hard. When you are having a hard time or depressed people's tendency to is withdraw. People don't like to talk about the things that are making them sad, the things they don't understand, their inadequacies, and the things that make them want to curl up in a ball and cry. People think they are alone and that nobody else in the world has ever possibly felt the way they do and that there must be something wrong with them. Pride as well stops people from reaching out to those who want to be there to stand beside you. After all, we all have these perfect lives, perfect children, husbands and homes, right???
Nope. Not me. I am far from perfect. I am always learning something new, coming up with new theories and falling incredibly short of the idealist perfect that I once thought my life should me. But do you know what? Imperfection is freeing. It allows you to share your heart, to say "I've been there", to let other people know that it's okay to not have it all together. I am human, I make tons of mistakes and what I get right is not in my power it is solely the grace of God pouring out on my life.
The greatest compliment to me is when I walk in a friends house and their floor isn't swept and they got toys everywhere and they got on a pair of sweats. Why? Because it means that they are finally comfortable enough with me to know that all that stuff means nothing to me. Because they know that I love them and all the mess that they are and it means that they love me and all the mess that I am. It's because it is real. Life isn't pretty, life is messy and chaotic! Out of the chaos and craziness we grow beautiful character and hearts that love people where they are because we know we've been there ourselves or could very possibly be there tomorrow. Love is intentional, graceful and forgiving.
I will admit that sometimes I do stalk my friends. I will call them until they call me back and I will forget what I called them for then call them back again! When I want something I guess I make myself pretty hard to ignore. I wasn't always such a stalker, I probably only really turned into one in the last couple of years. I took up the art of stalking when I realized a little bit more of human nature.
Human nature makes you want to run away when life is hard. When you are having a hard time or depressed people's tendency to is withdraw. People don't like to talk about the things that are making them sad, the things they don't understand, their inadequacies, and the things that make them want to curl up in a ball and cry. People think they are alone and that nobody else in the world has ever possibly felt the way they do and that there must be something wrong with them. Pride as well stops people from reaching out to those who want to be there to stand beside you. After all, we all have these perfect lives, perfect children, husbands and homes, right???
Nope. Not me. I am far from perfect. I am always learning something new, coming up with new theories and falling incredibly short of the idealist perfect that I once thought my life should me. But do you know what? Imperfection is freeing. It allows you to share your heart, to say "I've been there", to let other people know that it's okay to not have it all together. I am human, I make tons of mistakes and what I get right is not in my power it is solely the grace of God pouring out on my life.
The greatest compliment to me is when I walk in a friends house and their floor isn't swept and they got toys everywhere and they got on a pair of sweats. Why? Because it means that they are finally comfortable enough with me to know that all that stuff means nothing to me. Because they know that I love them and all the mess that they are and it means that they love me and all the mess that I am. It's because it is real. Life isn't pretty, life is messy and chaotic! Out of the chaos and craziness we grow beautiful character and hearts that love people where they are because we know we've been there ourselves or could very possibly be there tomorrow. Love is intentional, graceful and forgiving.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I Am A Wife
I love and cherish my role as wife. I believe that as wives we are called to love our husbands, and that that love should be second only to our love for God. I play an important role in my husbands life. I am his friend, his playmate, his encourager, his helper, his lover... The list could go on, but what you need to know is that this is a blessed role and influential role.
Your relationship with your husband is the most intimate relationship you have. It needs to be a safe place for both of you to grow, to change, to hide away from the world. Nobody else in the world has the power to build me up as much as my husband, and nobody else has the power to rip me to little shreds. In turn I have that same influence. I chose to share my most intimate self with him because I love and trust and respect him and know that he will not harm me with my vulnerability.
I choose to serve my husband however I can. I'm not talking slave, seriously, do you know me!!! But I do choose to try to put his needs above my own. I make this choice out of the love in my heart & desire to please him. I obviously fail often at this too, because I am selfish human being, but this is what I try to focus on.
In the bible women are called to respect their husbands, but likewise husbands are called to love their wives. We had a discussion once where I asked him, "they say that men crave respect & women love. What do you think of this? Do you crave respect more than love?" Shane replied that the two are mutually entangled. That if you love someone you will respect them. They are not two separate things, they are in fact two complimenting things. If you truly have one than you will have the other as well. Obviously, I am no expert, but this is our experience and it rings true.
I strive to make our home a place of retreat, comfort and love. Notice as much as I would like to say quiet & peace I have found I cannot daily achieve this with 3 silly kids!!! But a safe place to come home, and know that however crappy your day was that you are appreciated, loved and believed in, I can do that. I chose this man for that very reason, he is the best for me, and I want him to know that our home is a shelter from the world, not just for him, but for our children and myself as well. It is not a place to attack each other, it's not a place where we are told we are not good enough, it is a place of love, acceptance and laughter.
We extend each other grace. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I don't get everything I set out to do done. I forget things, sometimes important things, like milk!!! But in all my mistakes, disappointments and times of pure ugliness I have never been made to feel less than. My husband has easily extended me the grace that I need so very much and I try so hard to extend that same grace back to him. We are in this marriage together, we love each other deeply and are wholly invested in a beautiful future together. There is no other choice for us, our lives were meant to be lived together, we were destined to grow up together and God put us together to challenge, mature and love each other and those around us. In all our human imperfection!!!
Your relationship with your husband is the most intimate relationship you have. It needs to be a safe place for both of you to grow, to change, to hide away from the world. Nobody else in the world has the power to build me up as much as my husband, and nobody else has the power to rip me to little shreds. In turn I have that same influence. I chose to share my most intimate self with him because I love and trust and respect him and know that he will not harm me with my vulnerability.
I choose to serve my husband however I can. I'm not talking slave, seriously, do you know me!!! But I do choose to try to put his needs above my own. I make this choice out of the love in my heart & desire to please him. I obviously fail often at this too, because I am selfish human being, but this is what I try to focus on.
In the bible women are called to respect their husbands, but likewise husbands are called to love their wives. We had a discussion once where I asked him, "they say that men crave respect & women love. What do you think of this? Do you crave respect more than love?" Shane replied that the two are mutually entangled. That if you love someone you will respect them. They are not two separate things, they are in fact two complimenting things. If you truly have one than you will have the other as well. Obviously, I am no expert, but this is our experience and it rings true.
I strive to make our home a place of retreat, comfort and love. Notice as much as I would like to say quiet & peace I have found I cannot daily achieve this with 3 silly kids!!! But a safe place to come home, and know that however crappy your day was that you are appreciated, loved and believed in, I can do that. I chose this man for that very reason, he is the best for me, and I want him to know that our home is a shelter from the world, not just for him, but for our children and myself as well. It is not a place to attack each other, it's not a place where we are told we are not good enough, it is a place of love, acceptance and laughter.
We extend each other grace. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I don't get everything I set out to do done. I forget things, sometimes important things, like milk!!! But in all my mistakes, disappointments and times of pure ugliness I have never been made to feel less than. My husband has easily extended me the grace that I need so very much and I try so hard to extend that same grace back to him. We are in this marriage together, we love each other deeply and are wholly invested in a beautiful future together. There is no other choice for us, our lives were meant to be lived together, we were destined to grow up together and God put us together to challenge, mature and love each other and those around us. In all our human imperfection!!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
What Thoughts Keep Me Up at Night
Life beings in your mother's womb. God made women to bare children. He made our bodies to stretch and grow with life. Then he made our bodies to sustain that life. But as natural as nursing is it was not so with my first child. I had to figure out what I was doing and he had to figure out what he was doing. Then with my second two it was as natural as breathing. I cherished the midnight hours, sitting in my children's room, sustaining and filling them in a way that only I could. Breast milk is not just milk, it's perfectly tailored to your child, their exact age and their exact needs. Women are amazing. What is even more amazing is how having children and breastfeeding actually improves a woman's long term health.
I'm not really sure why I'm sitting here talking about breastfeeding and women's bodies... I just couldn't sleep tonight and was reflective. Then I got to thinking about what life was like a few years ago and what it will be like a few years from now. Reflective...
I loved those quiet midnight hours. Sure I was tired, but my kids slept through the night really early, so they were a short time for me. I remember snuggling them to my breast thinking how this could be our last midnight rendezvous. Now my only midnight rendezvous are with myself and not being able to sleep, or the occasional sickie, or the dreaded long dream (aka "I peed my bed"). Now I peek in on sleeping children and pray in the midnight hours and wonder why I cannot sleep.
Children changed my body habits. Before I had children I never woke up in the middle of the night, not even to go to the bathroom. I slept hard, didn't hear a thing... Now I hear everything, I sleep so light that sometimes I wonder if I've slept at all!!! Well, I do know I've slept, but still!!!
I think of the stages that I've left behind and they are a bittersweet time... I would not want to go back, I'm just not wired that way. And I love every new stage more than the last. I'm not kidding, I am so serious. I love watching my kids grow up, I love their personalities and the things they say. I love the school years! In fact, when I thought about having kids, this is what I thought about, the school years. They are so fun and learning new things all the time. I like to revisit where we have been in pictures, but no, I don't want to go back. Life was meant for living, moving forward, growing older and wiser.
I have seen life and death in my life. I have seen success and failure. I have seen love and hatred. I have laughed and cried. I have seen good and evil. I do not always fully understand the details of what I've seen. I cannot answer the questions that come with all this heartbreak in the world. I cannot tell you why an evil man has plenty and a godly man nothing. I cannot tell you what bends a man to violence. I cannot answer your, "why me?". My only answer is why not you? We were not made for this world. And we cannot comprehend the world that we were made for with our finite human brains.
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. And now that I have written these ones down I'm sure that many more will flood my mind as I try once again to go to sleep.
I'm not really sure why I'm sitting here talking about breastfeeding and women's bodies... I just couldn't sleep tonight and was reflective. Then I got to thinking about what life was like a few years ago and what it will be like a few years from now. Reflective...
I loved those quiet midnight hours. Sure I was tired, but my kids slept through the night really early, so they were a short time for me. I remember snuggling them to my breast thinking how this could be our last midnight rendezvous. Now my only midnight rendezvous are with myself and not being able to sleep, or the occasional sickie, or the dreaded long dream (aka "I peed my bed"). Now I peek in on sleeping children and pray in the midnight hours and wonder why I cannot sleep.
Children changed my body habits. Before I had children I never woke up in the middle of the night, not even to go to the bathroom. I slept hard, didn't hear a thing... Now I hear everything, I sleep so light that sometimes I wonder if I've slept at all!!! Well, I do know I've slept, but still!!!
I think of the stages that I've left behind and they are a bittersweet time... I would not want to go back, I'm just not wired that way. And I love every new stage more than the last. I'm not kidding, I am so serious. I love watching my kids grow up, I love their personalities and the things they say. I love the school years! In fact, when I thought about having kids, this is what I thought about, the school years. They are so fun and learning new things all the time. I like to revisit where we have been in pictures, but no, I don't want to go back. Life was meant for living, moving forward, growing older and wiser.
I have seen life and death in my life. I have seen success and failure. I have seen love and hatred. I have laughed and cried. I have seen good and evil. I do not always fully understand the details of what I've seen. I cannot answer the questions that come with all this heartbreak in the world. I cannot tell you why an evil man has plenty and a godly man nothing. I cannot tell you what bends a man to violence. I cannot answer your, "why me?". My only answer is why not you? We were not made for this world. And we cannot comprehend the world that we were made for with our finite human brains.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Where I Belong
My sons favorite song right now is "Where I Belong". One of his first favorite songs was "I Can Only Imagine". He also has had pop favorites too, don't get me wrong. But those two are the ones that have stuck, he wants to talk about, asks questions about. It made me think tonight, as I'm trying to fall asleep, how we are such spiritual beings. We are born with the innate desire for something more, the knowledge that there is more for us out there. And we are born to worship. You don't have to teach a child how to be joyful, how to smile, how to dance. They just know, they come by it naturally.
Why should this be so surprising to me as I'm laying there in bed. I'm not surprised really, just thoughtful. We are after all made in the image of God. Is it surprising that we desire to know our maker as a child desires to know their parents? Does he not call himself our Father?
Yet, it still amazes me to watch my children. To see the innocence we are born with, our natural pull toward the spiritual. The world so pulls us in the opposite direction and it happens so young and so gradually that one day we are an adult amazed at the depth & understanding a child can have of spiritual things. But really we should be shocked at our own understanding of life, the world... We were after all not made to be like the world, we were set apart, in God's image.
Isn't that why sometimes we struggle as adults? We feel we do not fit or we can be lonely, we desire more. Often we misinterpret what that desire is, we think we're missing something here, but really we're missing that spiritual link. We are needing more, what we don't know, until we remember that we are indeed spiritual beings. We don't belong here, we were made for another world, we were made to commune with our maker, father, savior, friend. Adam and Eve walked with God, literally. Yeah, something is missing. Take this world, give me Jesus, nothing else satisfies this void in me.
Why should this be so surprising to me as I'm laying there in bed. I'm not surprised really, just thoughtful. We are after all made in the image of God. Is it surprising that we desire to know our maker as a child desires to know their parents? Does he not call himself our Father?
Yet, it still amazes me to watch my children. To see the innocence we are born with, our natural pull toward the spiritual. The world so pulls us in the opposite direction and it happens so young and so gradually that one day we are an adult amazed at the depth & understanding a child can have of spiritual things. But really we should be shocked at our own understanding of life, the world... We were after all not made to be like the world, we were set apart, in God's image.
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