Strength in Tragedy

“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

It is amazing the perspective you have on life once you've grown up a little and had children. It is amazing how differently you see the world. Childhood is bliss. I think of this as I think of my mother. My mama was a fighter, but I had no clue. She made it look pretty effortless, although I know at times it had to be pure agony.

As a kid I remember very little of before my dad died. What I do remember and the pictures I see I treasure, note to self take more pictures of kids with parents. Sometimes to be honest I'm not sure if I remember something because I saw it in a picture or because I actually remember it without the picture. I remember camping and I remember cuddling, but I'm not going to delve much more into that right now. I sometimes almost think I remember more of my dad dying than I do of him living, a sad thought, but it is I guess my reality. I remember my mom and dad being at the hospital a lot, visiting my dad there, eating Kidd Valley, spending the night at my teacher's house a lot, my teacher had girls my age and we were good friends. I remember praying and asking God to heal my dad, bargaining, and begging for him to let me take his place, because I didn't want to have to live without my dad. At the time I didn't even fully know what life without my dad would really mean, what he would miss, those are things that you discover as your get older, you don't think about them when you're eight. And my dad was determined to beat this cancer, he was not going to die.

And I think about what I remember as a kid, what must my mom remember as an adult? My mom is strong. She is a fighter. She kept our lives as normal as possible under the circumstances. I don't remember her crying, I mean I saw her crying, but never did I see her break or be out of control. And I can only imagine the agony that she was in. She was losing her best friend, the love of her life, the father of her children. There are no words.

I think of the families in Connecticut... The tragedy in this world... No parent should ever go before their child. You birth this amazing life, you look forward to their future, you make sure you're sending them to a good school, you're preparing for Christmas, you pack their lunch with a little note, kiss them goodbye, maybe you're even going to be coming in for a class Christmas party later that afternoon and you get a phone call. And agony. Your breath is painful and you want to die. Kids... Not meant to go before their parents.

I think about another school shooting, that happened when I was just in junior high. Columbine... Sitting in class watching the horror unfold, I am so thankful my children will not know about today until they are older. Junior high, I was old enough. I'm sure as my mom was watching that tragedy unfold she probably felt similarly to what I felt Friday. The overwhelming need to scoop my babies up and hug them, I don't think that feeling goes away as your children get older, my mama would probably still want to scoop me up. But you know what I remember, I didn't feel unsafe, my mom was calm and in control. She is a woman of strength. So I thought, as I'm fighting the urge to sweep babies up all over the world and especially mine, what do I want my children to remember on this day? Do I want this to be the day that fear is introduced into their lives, or will they too someday look back and go, "Mama, what must you have been thinking on Dec 14th?"

One thing my mama told me when Dominic was a baby, "They were God's before they were yours. You gotta hang onto that, because you cannot be watching every second of every day." And that is the truthiest truth you're ever hear. What will I tell my children? I will tell them I wanted nothing more to scoop them up and carry them off to a bubbles where they would never be hurt and know nothing but love and happiness. And then I will say, My heart is breaking for those families. The best we can do is pray for them & remember for ourselves that God knew the number of our days before we were born, he is the great comforter & protector. There are so many why's in life, that we will never know the answers to, but the alternative to trusting in God is living in fear & that is a choice we cannot afford to make. Not just because a life of fear is no life at all, but because our children look to us to see how we deal with traumatic things & I am not willing for them to live in fear, they need to know how big our God is, even when things cannot be explained. I knew even in that moment of time they were in the palm of God's hands & he could protect them better than I ever hoped & if the worst were to ever happen I know that God would carry me through, one agonizing breath at a time.

My mama is a fighter. And I am thankful that she was an example of faith and courage to me. It is as I get older that I see more of the attributes in my mother as the treasures that they are. And I hope that those treasures have been passed down to me. I know I want for my children to say, "thank you, for never backing down, never crippling under the weight of tragedy." Because this world is full of tragedy. But I think it's the tragedy in this world that makes us long even more for the beauty of heaven and comfort of our savior.