New Year's

I'm not really a New Year's Resolution kind of person... I don't know what I am, I do regularly set goals for myself, or at least think of things I want to work on. I seem to have seasons of growth in one area or another. So maybe I'm a season person, not a resolution person. But this year maybe I'll give it a try. And I'm going to start small, since when I try to take on the world it rarely happens.

Resolution #1  Have a Monthly Date Night... Yeah, monthly seems like waay to little, but let's be honest, in the past year it hasn't happened. So, I'm starting small. If we can do it this year, maybe next year we can have a date night twice a month!

Resolution #2  Take 3+ Hours to Myself a Month... Once again, small goal. But I have severe mommy guilt when I take time to myself, even though I know I desperately need it! My problem is that I can too easily see it from somebody else's point of view & other people always seem to have it harder than me, even if I'm on the edge of going crazy, chances are I know somebody who is even closer to crazy than me! So, I'm think a solid 3+ hours to myself a month is a good start, I don't need to feel bad about taking care of myself, but I probably still will!

Resolution #3   Take More Pictures...  I always seem to go on in waves. Sometimes I take a lot of pictures then I won't take any for weeks. I think I'm going to try that whole take one picture a day thing... Granted I won't beat myself up if I don't get it done, but it kinda sounds fun, maybe think of some different pictures to take... Maybe I'll add save for a better camera to this goal, I always miss the best pictures because my camera is too slow.

Resolution #4   Spend 2 Hours Alone with Each Kid a Month...  My kids are awesome, but they're even more fun when you spend time with them alone. You can do things that you can't usually do when you're attention is split 3 different ways. So I want to do "dates" with my kids. Again, we're starting small.

I guess this year is a year of starting small. It seems to be my theme. But I can do small and honestly I think I'm just coming out of the "mommy fog." If you're a mommy you know what mommy fog is. It takes awhile to get out of survival mode, and I think it's done in stages. This is the year where I get my butt back in gear & on top of things. And let's face it, it's a lot easier to say it in a blog post than actually do it! So, it may be simple, but it's also probably doable! Happy New Year's everybody!!!

Deny Me Peace

The other Sunday one of the things that really stood out to me that our pastor said was how the Lord doesn't choose us for ease, he chooses us to use us. That our greatest joy may also be our greatest sorrow. Jesus birth was Mary's greatest joy, but 30 some years later she watched her son dying on a cross. Greatest joy, greatest sorrow. He also shared this quote with us, "may God deny you peace but give you glory." It's stuck with me. Being used by God isn't all joy & peace, there is heartbreak... Often I want to be used by God, but I want the peace, the joy, I don't think about the heartbreak, I don't want the heartbreak. I've been asking myself, do I really have the courage to face the heartbreak? Am I begging God to use me, but also holding myself back because I only want the good stuff?

I know that that is not what God has called me to do. He hasn't chosen me to experience joy without heartbreak. If I am experiencing joy then I am really feeling and you cannot feel joy and think you will never feel sorrow. And trust me, I have felt sorrow, and joy as well. But to ask to feel joy with the complete knowledge that you will feel sorrow too... Then the joy carries you through the sorrow, so sorrow isn't all bad, it's a time to remember the joy that he has given you. I realized you are probably not following my thinking, so let me see if I can put this together.

I am asking God to use me. In asking him to use me I am saying this knowing that the very thing that brings me joy may also bring me sorrow. I know that whatever sorrow I face He will carry me through, because the joy of the Lord is my strength. There are days where I repeat that over & over all day, believing that if I say it enough I will believe it & know it. So I guess I am saying that I think I am able to honestly pray, "Lord, deny me peace but give me glory, that I may honor you. That your presence will be with me always, so when I face sorrow I will know that you are with me. Give me courage to daily surrender my life to your will."

I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a mother that loves her children & passes on her love for the Lord. I want to be a wife who loves, supports & encourages her husband. I hope that people will see me & see a woman that loves the Lord. I also struggle with how exactly to share what he is doing in my life. I struggle with where the line is, when you're pushing people away rather than drawing them to Him. I try to let my actions & my life speak for itself, but then at times I look at my life & think it's a rather poor example of a Christian walk. And so I am human. And I am trying to honor God with my life and I fail and I succeed. And I will keep trying to be that woman that serves the Lord, who leaves a legacy of grace & whose family loves & serves the Lord. Deny me peace if it means that it brings you glory, Lord. Give me the strength to honor you no matter the circumstance.

Christmas @ Schoenmakes

Christmas at the Schoenmaker's, it's the event of the year... I remember growing up the anticipation of that special day the Saturday before Christmas. Always watching the weather, seemed like some road or another was always flooded! My mom's whole family would get together, all my aunts & uncles & cousins, probably easily 50+ people... We would go out to my Uncle David's farm, which was always a treat in & of itself, I was after all a horse freak & he had a couple.

Once there I remember anxiously watching out the window, guess at who was driving up the long driveway. The hugs & greetings, the love shared by family. I also remember following my mom around, listening to all the conversations. And every year it took me awhile to warm up & then when it was time to go I would begin the "I don't want to leave!!!" cry. I also remember plenty of political debates & fishing stories, vacations taken recounted.

I was remembering these things & so much more this year at the party. I am watching my kids make themselves at home, playing with toys, talking to great aunts & uncles. They are now getting to enjoy these same people that always made me feel so special & loved. I wonder if they will have fond memories of these times, of waiting for some cousin or another to come down the long driveway. Listening to the stories told by aunts & uncles, seeing the love of a big family in action. I am so blessed to have Schoenmaker in my blood, it's an honor to be part of such an amazing family.

The gathering is smaller these days. We have some snowbirds in our family & some that have moved from the area, but it's still a special time. And those family members missing are far from forgotten. They are in our memories, they are thought & spoken of in conversations. I look forward to the day when we can have the whole family together, maybe we'll have to plan a gigantic camping trip a couple years in advance... Wouldn't it be something to see how much we've grown, because I have so many memories as a kid and now I am one of the adults... although I still got stuck at the kid table! In protest we said that the other table was for the "old" people! Yep, love my family!

Tree Day

Happy Tree Day!!! Also known as the day we got our Christmas tree. I think this has been the best time getting our tree, the kids were all old enough to walk, the boys helped cut it & we got the biggest tree I have ever had in my life! Which by the way, looked a lot smaller outside, but I wouldn't trade it!

I would have to say this has been a great day. I loved driving to the tree farm with Shane & the kids... Dominic was in the back with his headphones on listening to his Christmas cd, he kept singing along like he was the only one in the world. He was so cute & listening to him sing the words then mumble sing parts he didn't know was hilarious. Oddly enough my Gabriel highlight was when we stopped the car & were getting out, I turn to look back at him & he has his headphones across his face, giving me the sweetest little smile. He is such a silly little boy, so full of joy. My Abigail highlight would have so be watching her kiss daddy on the couch. Oddly enough none of them really involved the tree... Oh, except for my boys highlight! They helped cut down the tree and Gabe cracked me up. He lays flat down on the ground on his belly, sticks out his tongue & starts to cut the tree, half a second in he's asking daddy to help.

My heart is so full of joy right now. I loved watching my little people enjoying the magic of Christmas. They made me smile a million times today. And now our tree is up & decorated, Abigail is asleep & the boys are on their way to bed. It was truly been a magical day, Christmas is here!

24 Hours of Crazy Fun

The kids had their first night in a hotel! I went with my mom down to the Olympia area to visit two of my aunt's & my cousins new baby. The kids did wonderful in the car, I was pleasantly surprised. I have now decided that the trick to a good road trip is to go in the morning, although they did good when we came back from Grandma Bonnie's in the late evening a few weeks ago. It also probably helps that our new car has a dvd player in it, well, helps the boys, Abi could care less!

When we get to the hotel the boys are sooo excited. They run around the little room, there is a kitchenette, which Dominic thinks is just the coolest thing ever. He opens the door of the freezer & yells, "there are ice cubes in here! and when we eat them all we can make more!!!" They were also super thrilled with the 30 year old 19 inch tv... Why? I really don't know, I think it was just really the novelty of something different. So, we get them in their jammies & start getting ourselves ready for bed as the boys jump from bed to bed. It was like the classic kids seeing a hotel room for the first time. They were so excited that I don't think they fell asleep until after 9:30 or so.

Sleeping at the hotel was an experience as well! First Gabe kept kicking Dominic, but I dealt with that & it was a minor problem. I told them a story as they were going to sleep, rare treat since I am the furthest thing from a storyteller there is... It helped that really I just told them the Christmas story, I know that one pretty well. They fell asleep & then the real fun started... Abigail. She fell asleep & kept coughing in her sleep, which kept me up. And then of course there was the stupid side door of the hotel that people kept coming in & it would slam every time! I swear it slammed at least 20 times. About two hours after Abi fell asleep she woke up screaming. She wouldn't be comforted unless I picked her up. I'm thinking it's the middle of the night, she's going to wake up our whole room & probably everybody else in the hotel. She ended up coming in bed with mom & me. And she wiggles & wiggles then goes to sleep for about half an hour, then wakes up again crying. Then goes back to sleep & starts all over again. I think throughout the whole night I probably got about an hour of sleep & I am not kidding!

But I would have done it again, just for the fact of seeing my boys so excited over the hotel room. And to seeing them jumping from bed to bed. They had a blast on our little trip & who knows, it might be one of those trips that they remember even when they're adults... At the very least I will be hearing about it for the next year!

We spent all afternoon at my Auntie Vickie's and Dominic would ask every time he wanted to say something to her, "umm... what's her name again?" sometimes this question would come multiple times in a 5 minute radius of time! I spent a lot of my time rolling my eyes & reminding myself that they are young. I also treasured their faces at every "new" experience. And I will never forget Gabriel drinking the syrup out of the little bowl at Denny's this morning. Drinking it like juice, then offering it to Abi. Oh and Abi opening a packet of jam & licking it until we gave her a spoon to eat it with.

At my Auntie Nini's her house was all decorated like Christmas. She had this snowman that was all lite up outside, when we left Abi was taking her time. I turn around to get her & she is over right next to the snowman, petting it. I think the lights mesmerized her. We loved seeing baby Collin, he was super cute!!! Crazy to think how fast they grow! The boys also filled their bellies with peppermint oreos before bed there. They each got two, but I saw Gabe sneaking more... And Dominic charmed more out of Aunt Nini too! It was a good night, a good trip.

The rules that were broken were rules that sometimes you just gotta roll your eyes & remember they are only kids once, so why not let them enjoy? Yep, it was a long 24 hours, but a 24 hours I will treasure if for no other reason that I got to really appreciate my kids being just that, my kids. And I love my little crazy kids, although I am looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight & some peace & quiet in 16 years when they're all moved out!

My Little Girl

Little girls are nothing like you can imagine. You think they should be sweet & quiet & gentle. And I'm sure some of them must be, but my little girl doesn't have a gentle bone in her body! She is a little bully, she hits more than my boys ever did, she picks the kittens up by the skin of their backs & she has an opinion that cannot be ignored... She is a passionate girl, that's what I've decided to call her, because then people will less likely take it wrong. I love my little fireball, but wow, does she drive me up the wall!!!

I can't believe that I'm going to admit it, but I think she's a little bit me... She is happy as long as everything is going her way & everybody is doing what she wants them to do. This is something I hate to admit about myself, but it's also something that I'm trying to get better at as well. But a bully I am not, so she must have gotten that from daddy, I do remember him telling me he frequently beat his older brother... So, I wonder if this means that she took our personality challenges & put them all into her? Oh, we're in for it!

Although there is a very sweet side to this little girl. She gives great hugs & her kisses are to die for. She puckers up by sticking her lower lip out & sucking her upper lip in, it's seriously the cutest thing ever! Of her limited words, the one that makes me want to cry is "sorry". Yep, she hit her brothers because they looked at her toys, she got a little spanking then had to tell them sorry. So she comes out of her room with big fat tears in her eyes saying, "sorry" and gives them big hugs. She prances around in a way I will never forget, she gave the happy dance the greatest makeover ever! Sitting in the car she's making the Little Einsteins Annie doll sing, she sings along & shakes her little head so fast then smiles & laughs. She is darling & I couldn't be more in love with her.

 Maybe it's that as girls we're emotional people. And when you really can't talk and everybody is bigger than you, maybe you just can't help but try to fight for your life. I don't want to admit that I see myself in my daughter's "passion" but it's true that I do. I am just a little older & have spent the last 26 years learning to harness my emotions. Really she hasn't had much time to even start learning how to deal, she hasn't even been here two years! It's a little easier if I remind myself of this, but there is to is also the challenge of figuring out how to deal with her when her little emotions collide with mine. Maybe that is why girls are challenging, because you see yourself so clearly in them & honestly it's not always the best of you that you see! I hope that the good, the beautiful, the joy that I see in her, I hope that some of that is in me as well. I hope that I can show her how to be a godly woman, show her that it's ok to struggle but that the beauty is in the victory. Challenges are not something to be feared, they are something to be cherished because it means that we're still worthwhile enough to grow. So, I am embracing my life, my challenges & praying that I will come out victorious, but I already know I will because God already has the victory & he is in me. And I love my passionate little girl that is stretching me & growing me into a better woman each day.

Sunshine & Rainbows

I feel like our household has taken a dose of crazy. We are super busy with the holidays & Shane is crazy busy with his work, they're moving the yard to Marysville right smack in the middle of December! And here I am, in the middle of crazy. I am desperately trying to find normal. This year has been one change after another & I'm struggling to find my footing as we're closing out the year.

So here I am in my crazy world. The kids are amazing & beautiful, but as a group they are overwhelming. It's one of those things that I really know they are not the problem & it's just me, but they are so much easier to blame. I know what I need is time to myself, but the taking the time to myself still feels selfish because I know what everybody else is going through in their lives as well. I have days where I feel that I deserve time to myself & I have days where I feel like I don't deserve time to myself. And really what I mean by time to myself is time away from my lovely little children.

I think that's one of the biggest struggles of motherhood, figuring out how to take care of ourselves. It's easy to see that your husband needs you, that your children need you, but do you really need yourself? You do need yourself, because if you don't have you, what do you have? And motherhood is a constant giving up of who you are for the needs of those around you. You stick yourself on the back burner, or at least I do. And then you wake up a realize, "I'm tired. And I don't know what else I have to give?" The problem is that feeling doesn't go away. When you have that feeling you know you've put  yourself away for so long that now you have to work to find you in the midst of your life once again. And here I sit, finding myself.

I am tired. And I have nothing left to give. I am tired of being strong, of being happy. I am tired of being sunshine & rainbows. My sun is hiding behind a cloud so there is no rainbows in the rain, it's just plain old rain. And yet I don't know how to be who I am not. Because the truth is that I am sunshine & rainbows, I just don't feel like it. That means that I got a stupid cloud that I have to deal with. And so now I have to figure out how to take care of myself, while taking care of my family. And the problem with being a sunshine & rainbow person is that even when you're rainbows are crashing & your sunshine is gone, you're still seeing the stinking sunshine & rainbows!!! So nobody really know just how serious this problem is, unless they're a sunshine & rainbow person & quite frankly we're really rare!

So I am ranting, because this is after all, my blog. And I am fine, because I am a sunshine & rainbow girl. I am thankful that I will get my sunshine & rainbows back. I know what I need, it's just a matter of finding the time... If anything, I will have that time at the end of January, when I go to women's retreat. I know that I need a good amount of uninterrupted time with God. I also need a good amount of uninterrupted time with my man, Shane. Which I will get the beginning of January, when we celebrate our 7th anniversary. And so, in the meantime, I am going along, living the days that are given me, slowly working to get myself back together. It's been a year of joy, disappointment. loss & treasure found. The beauty of it is that God has brought us through & we are stronger than we were a year ago. Now I just gotta figure life out in our new life. And here God is faithful too. Today another preschool mommy asked me if I wanted to do a playdate sometime & gave me her number. And I'm going to get together with her & begin making friends in our new little community. So, I guess I am ok, because I know that sunshine & rainbows are just around the corner.