Is something ever heavy on your heart? Heavy that you know it's not going to be popular and that some people may decide that they hate you for saying it? Heavy that you know that you need to let people know where you stand? I pray that as I write this you will see my heart, if you do not already know it. Alright, I got to lay on the heavy at my doorstep first then extend it to the world.
I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the history of the church we stopped calling sin sin. We started using pretty words to dress up the ugly truth. Pretty little words such as worry and pride. We became known for our judgementalism, so quick to point out the sin in others and have our eyes closed to our own, after all ours was a pretty little word called pride.
Matthew 7:1-5 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You
hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will
see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
1 John 3:15 "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them."
James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."
There is the heavy at my own doorstep. This is even why I hesitate to write what I have to write. I know I am far from perfect and about a year ago I started really looking at myself, my attitudes, thoughts, and choices. I started calling the sin in my life exactly that, sin. I didn't call it worry, well I did, but I acknowledged that it wasn't just a pretty word, it was a sin. Pride is sin. Playing judge and jury is a sin, although I believe it's connected to another little one we call pride. But guess what, whatever our sin, it keeps us from God. I am not writing this to point out one specific sin, because I know that I am as guilty as the next guy. Some people think that there is levels of sin, but the truth is that it all keeps us from God. Yes, some sin has a greater consequence here on earth, obviously if you murder somebody you will go to jail, but if you are prideful your greatest consequence will be that separation from God and possibly people not really liking you for character traits that you portray.
All this is said to hopefully give you a snap shot of my heart. To challenge you, if you call yourself a Christian. To ask myself, does my life really look any different? I am looking to myself first before telling you my heart on a topic that if you agree with know that I am not here to judge, that is actually the farthest thing from my mind. I just want people to know where I stand, just as you do. I want people to know where I stand in the fact that I want you to know that yes, I am different. Some may call me old fashioned and that is ok with me, because if you ask me the bible is not old fashioned. It is just a relevant today as it was thousands of years ago.
Pride, worry, anger, murder, homosexuality are all sins. Our country condones sin, they legalize sin. Everywhere I look equal marriage and homosexuality is thrown in my face. I usually just keep my mouth shut because I do not want to offend. I fear that my objection will be seen as being judgmental or that I hate the people who have made this choice for their life. That is so far from the truth. As I write this my eyes are tearing up because I am so afraid that people will not see my heart, which is to simply say this is who I am this is what a believe and if you have chosen this lifestyle I still love you but I cannot say that it is ok. I cannot say that I approve because I have chosen to live by a law higher than I. I believe in God and his word, the Bible. And I also want to admonish other Christians that we are to hate the sin, not the people. In fact, we should love the people even more, because didn't Christ indeed die for all the sins of the world. In his dying breaths he looked to the thief beside him and said that his sins were forgiven and he would see him today in paradise. Nobody has ever been won over with hate and judgement, but also if we do not stand up state what we believe we are not doing what we have been called to. To be a witness, to love people just as Christ loved us. I know I mess up all the time and I know I am so thankful for the grace and forgiveness of my heavenly father.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Love School
It is hard to believe that we are already 2/3 of the way through the school year. It feels like just yesterday I peeled Dominic off me crying because he didn't want to go to school. He had to be physically helped into his class by his teacher. I remember peeling him off me and running around the corner to cry so he wouldn't see me. I wasn't crying because I was upset about him going to school, but I was crying because you can't see your kid upset and bawling and not join in... Isn't that a mother's job after all?
That first month felt like the longest month ever. Every day I took him to school it was the same thing, take him to class, teacher meets us at the door, he's crying, me peeling him off and leaving. I come to pick him up he runs gives me a great big hug and tells me how much fun he had a school. After about a month we were no longer having to be peeled off mama, but he still had a few tears. Then we stopped crying and mama had to watch him settle into class before she could leave. That lasted for a few weeks before we moved on. Now, we all pile out of the car and walk Dominic to class where he gives me a hug and a kiss and then I get to leave. We are happy. It was a process but we made it. I don't think he'll go skipping off to his class alone this year, maybe not even next year, but I am ok with that.
So here we are. 2/3 of the way through the school year. I have to honor of volunteering every Monday afternoon in his classroom. I have fallen in love with those little kindergarteners. I am always greeted with tons of hugs, I get to see what they are learning and help them and their teacher. I will always remember one day when we hadn't had school on a Monday, so I was coming in on Wednesday and when I dropped Dominic off his teacher asked me, "you're coming in today, right?" I answered that yes I was and she sighed and visibly was relieved that I was going to be back that afternoon. I love it. I love knowing the kids in my son's class, I love the funny things that they kids say. I am so proud of the improvement that I have seen in so many of them, just as proud as if they were my own kids. These little people are amazing and I pray that I am having as big of an impact on them as they are on me. I pray for them often and pray that they are loved at home and hope that if they aren't they at least know that they are loved by me, even if it is only once a week and when I see them dropping Dominic off in the morning or picking him up in the afternoon.
That first month felt like the longest month ever. Every day I took him to school it was the same thing, take him to class, teacher meets us at the door, he's crying, me peeling him off and leaving. I come to pick him up he runs gives me a great big hug and tells me how much fun he had a school. After about a month we were no longer having to be peeled off mama, but he still had a few tears. Then we stopped crying and mama had to watch him settle into class before she could leave. That lasted for a few weeks before we moved on. Now, we all pile out of the car and walk Dominic to class where he gives me a hug and a kiss and then I get to leave. We are happy. It was a process but we made it. I don't think he'll go skipping off to his class alone this year, maybe not even next year, but I am ok with that.
So here we are. 2/3 of the way through the school year. I have to honor of volunteering every Monday afternoon in his classroom. I have fallen in love with those little kindergarteners. I am always greeted with tons of hugs, I get to see what they are learning and help them and their teacher. I will always remember one day when we hadn't had school on a Monday, so I was coming in on Wednesday and when I dropped Dominic off his teacher asked me, "you're coming in today, right?" I answered that yes I was and she sighed and visibly was relieved that I was going to be back that afternoon. I love it. I love knowing the kids in my son's class, I love the funny things that they kids say. I am so proud of the improvement that I have seen in so many of them, just as proud as if they were my own kids. These little people are amazing and I pray that I am having as big of an impact on them as they are on me. I pray for them often and pray that they are loved at home and hope that if they aren't they at least know that they are loved by me, even if it is only once a week and when I see them dropping Dominic off in the morning or picking him up in the afternoon.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Silly Boys
My boys are just making me laugh today. I feel like all I want to do is quote them for the rest of my life. I looked at Dominic, who is 6, this afternoon and said that he was looking so grown up. When I asked him why he looked so grown up he tells me, "I am. I'm 6!" Then I asked him if he was an adult and he said, "no, not until I'm like 50." I then asked him if he was going to live with me forever and he gives me the of course silly mother look and raised his arms up while shrugging his shoulder and said, "Yeah, mom, I'm going to marry you." It was such a matter of fact how could I think of anything other than that statement, sigh. I love that boy.
I am treasuring his boyhood. I was talking with a friend just this morning about how quickly they grow up and yet how happy I am that so far my boys seem to be taking their time. We don't have girlfriends or crushes, which some have started to develop, so young! My boys still think girls are great playmates, that they are great friends and I wonder if they would even realize if a girl had a crush on them.
One day a few months after kindergarten started I came in on a Monday afternoon to volunteer in Dominic's classroom. I was greeted with my usual hugs and then one of the little girls whispered in my ear that Kaiya likes Dominic, she called him her hero. Dominic & Kaiya were on the same team in PE and apparently he had caught a ball that was going to hit her, hence his temporary hero status. Of course when I asked him about it later he told me the story as he tells all other stories, no big deal, I caught the ball, she called me her hero, nothing out of the ordinary, just helping out a teammate.
I realize that some day he won't want to marry his mother anymore. He will think a little girl is cute and eventually fall in love and get married. I don't know how much longer I will hold honor of being the woman that he wants to marry, I have a feeling that this will pass before I blink. I can model for him the kind of woman I want him to marry, he can look to his daddy for the kind of man we desire for him to be and I do believe that he will astound us still with what an amazing man he someday becomes, because he has amazed us from the first day he was born, all our children have.
Dominic started the day off rough, he got into some things he shouldn't have gotten into this morning before I came downstairs. He spent a little time in his room and got talked to by his mama. This evening before going to bed we were all cuddling and talking about our day. He informed me, "I had my bad brain on this morning and then I took it off and put on my good brain and I was good the whole rest of the day." then he makes a motion like he's taking it off, he says, "now I have my bad brain on and I'm taking it off and throwing it in the garbage." Oh the things that that boy says, they just crack me up. So, he threw his bad brain in the garbage and I guess I'll have a perfect son for the rest of his life! Ok, maybe not, but as far as he's concerned the bad is gone. And you thought 6 year old boys weren't entertaining, just follow this one around for a day!
Then there is Gabriel. Every night he tells me "good night mommy-pants." A long time ago I couldn't figure out what to call some of their crazy behavior so I would tell them to stop acting crazy-pants. Since then everything in our house has pants. Gabriel is such a funny little kid too. He has a silly sense of humor, and you never really know what you are going to get. I always have to expect the unexpected with that kid. You would think that with how silly he is that he would have an easy time in any environment, but he's actually pretty cautious or shy. He takes things in, watches and then he will head long throw himself in. At home he can be the most stubborn child I know, but then he goes to preschool or discovery club and he is a perfect angel. I would be shocked if I ever got a bad report from discovery club, I always hear about how he's the best behaved kid and such a good listener, now if I can just figure out how to bring that home!
I guess that's probably more than enough psycho mommy babble for one night. But sometimes you just got to get it out of your system. So in the words of Gabriel, to his brother as they're going to bed tonight, "good night farty-pants."
I am treasuring his boyhood. I was talking with a friend just this morning about how quickly they grow up and yet how happy I am that so far my boys seem to be taking their time. We don't have girlfriends or crushes, which some have started to develop, so young! My boys still think girls are great playmates, that they are great friends and I wonder if they would even realize if a girl had a crush on them.
One day a few months after kindergarten started I came in on a Monday afternoon to volunteer in Dominic's classroom. I was greeted with my usual hugs and then one of the little girls whispered in my ear that Kaiya likes Dominic, she called him her hero. Dominic & Kaiya were on the same team in PE and apparently he had caught a ball that was going to hit her, hence his temporary hero status. Of course when I asked him about it later he told me the story as he tells all other stories, no big deal, I caught the ball, she called me her hero, nothing out of the ordinary, just helping out a teammate.
I realize that some day he won't want to marry his mother anymore. He will think a little girl is cute and eventually fall in love and get married. I don't know how much longer I will hold honor of being the woman that he wants to marry, I have a feeling that this will pass before I blink. I can model for him the kind of woman I want him to marry, he can look to his daddy for the kind of man we desire for him to be and I do believe that he will astound us still with what an amazing man he someday becomes, because he has amazed us from the first day he was born, all our children have.
Dominic started the day off rough, he got into some things he shouldn't have gotten into this morning before I came downstairs. He spent a little time in his room and got talked to by his mama. This evening before going to bed we were all cuddling and talking about our day. He informed me, "I had my bad brain on this morning and then I took it off and put on my good brain and I was good the whole rest of the day." then he makes a motion like he's taking it off, he says, "now I have my bad brain on and I'm taking it off and throwing it in the garbage." Oh the things that that boy says, they just crack me up. So, he threw his bad brain in the garbage and I guess I'll have a perfect son for the rest of his life! Ok, maybe not, but as far as he's concerned the bad is gone. And you thought 6 year old boys weren't entertaining, just follow this one around for a day!
Then there is Gabriel. Every night he tells me "good night mommy-pants." A long time ago I couldn't figure out what to call some of their crazy behavior so I would tell them to stop acting crazy-pants. Since then everything in our house has pants. Gabriel is such a funny little kid too. He has a silly sense of humor, and you never really know what you are going to get. I always have to expect the unexpected with that kid. You would think that with how silly he is that he would have an easy time in any environment, but he's actually pretty cautious or shy. He takes things in, watches and then he will head long throw himself in. At home he can be the most stubborn child I know, but then he goes to preschool or discovery club and he is a perfect angel. I would be shocked if I ever got a bad report from discovery club, I always hear about how he's the best behaved kid and such a good listener, now if I can just figure out how to bring that home!
I guess that's probably more than enough psycho mommy babble for one night. But sometimes you just got to get it out of your system. So in the words of Gabriel, to his brother as they're going to bed tonight, "good night farty-pants."
Friday, March 8, 2013
Blessing
Tonight I stood at my kitchen sink and cried while I washed a precious gift from a friend. My dear friend showed up today and handed me a box of china she had purchased for me. It is beautiful, simple & elegant. White plates & tea cups with a gray flower in the middle, I could not have chosen better myself...
What my friend doesn't know and what I was unable to bring the words through my desire to not bawl all over her, is that she is the bearer of God's amazing love toward me. You see, last night I was also bawling... I was feeling so overwhelmed with some of the loss in my life and fighting over the truth in my spirit. I know God is good, but sometimes it feels like a war to continue to trust and hope and knowing beyond knowing. I was feeling a little broken. I was crying out that, "Lord, I want to be refined by you, but it hurts!!! I want to be done. But I know that through it all you are burning away my ugliness and building character and strength." And last night was a beautiful heart wrenching conversation with my Lord and peace and love filled my heart again, with just enough strength to carry on.
Then today my friend shows up with a set of china. I have been wanting a set of china for awhile now, praying that I could find the money and deal on a set. And here she was, with a perfect set for me! I still cry just thinking about it. I am washing it tonight with tears running down my face and a nose constantly sniffling because today God gave me one the desires of my heart through one of his precious daughters. And I am so blessed. My dear friend, you were used by God today, you blessed me so abundantly that you may never know entirely how much. Thank you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, straight from my heart, I love you. You are amazing.
What my friend doesn't know and what I was unable to bring the words through my desire to not bawl all over her, is that she is the bearer of God's amazing love toward me. You see, last night I was also bawling... I was feeling so overwhelmed with some of the loss in my life and fighting over the truth in my spirit. I know God is good, but sometimes it feels like a war to continue to trust and hope and knowing beyond knowing. I was feeling a little broken. I was crying out that, "Lord, I want to be refined by you, but it hurts!!! I want to be done. But I know that through it all you are burning away my ugliness and building character and strength." And last night was a beautiful heart wrenching conversation with my Lord and peace and love filled my heart again, with just enough strength to carry on.
Then today my friend shows up with a set of china. I have been wanting a set of china for awhile now, praying that I could find the money and deal on a set. And here she was, with a perfect set for me! I still cry just thinking about it. I am washing it tonight with tears running down my face and a nose constantly sniffling because today God gave me one the desires of my heart through one of his precious daughters. And I am so blessed. My dear friend, you were used by God today, you blessed me so abundantly that you may never know entirely how much. Thank you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, straight from my heart, I love you. You are amazing.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Real Friends Stalk
Real friends stalk each other! Well, maybe not really, but real friends are intentional. They make sure that they connect with each other, that they know what is going on in the other person's life. Real friendships take work. And real friends give each other grace, because we all know that being a mother means you're super busy! Sometimes it will take me a month to actually make that phone call to my girlfriend, but they are never far from my mind. That's the way of motherhood, just when you think you're going to get that time to call your friend the kids start misbehaving! And you look up at the calendar and for the life of you cannot figure out how it is March because you swore the last time you looked it was November!
I will admit that sometimes I do stalk my friends. I will call them until they call me back and I will forget what I called them for then call them back again! When I want something I guess I make myself pretty hard to ignore. I wasn't always such a stalker, I probably only really turned into one in the last couple of years. I took up the art of stalking when I realized a little bit more of human nature.
Human nature makes you want to run away when life is hard. When you are having a hard time or depressed people's tendency to is withdraw. People don't like to talk about the things that are making them sad, the things they don't understand, their inadequacies, and the things that make them want to curl up in a ball and cry. People think they are alone and that nobody else in the world has ever possibly felt the way they do and that there must be something wrong with them. Pride as well stops people from reaching out to those who want to be there to stand beside you. After all, we all have these perfect lives, perfect children, husbands and homes, right???
Nope. Not me. I am far from perfect. I am always learning something new, coming up with new theories and falling incredibly short of the idealist perfect that I once thought my life should me. But do you know what? Imperfection is freeing. It allows you to share your heart, to say "I've been there", to let other people know that it's okay to not have it all together. I am human, I make tons of mistakes and what I get right is not in my power it is solely the grace of God pouring out on my life.
The greatest compliment to me is when I walk in a friends house and their floor isn't swept and they got toys everywhere and they got on a pair of sweats. Why? Because it means that they are finally comfortable enough with me to know that all that stuff means nothing to me. Because they know that I love them and all the mess that they are and it means that they love me and all the mess that I am. It's because it is real. Life isn't pretty, life is messy and chaotic! Out of the chaos and craziness we grow beautiful character and hearts that love people where they are because we know we've been there ourselves or could very possibly be there tomorrow. Love is intentional, graceful and forgiving.
I will admit that sometimes I do stalk my friends. I will call them until they call me back and I will forget what I called them for then call them back again! When I want something I guess I make myself pretty hard to ignore. I wasn't always such a stalker, I probably only really turned into one in the last couple of years. I took up the art of stalking when I realized a little bit more of human nature.
Human nature makes you want to run away when life is hard. When you are having a hard time or depressed people's tendency to is withdraw. People don't like to talk about the things that are making them sad, the things they don't understand, their inadequacies, and the things that make them want to curl up in a ball and cry. People think they are alone and that nobody else in the world has ever possibly felt the way they do and that there must be something wrong with them. Pride as well stops people from reaching out to those who want to be there to stand beside you. After all, we all have these perfect lives, perfect children, husbands and homes, right???
Nope. Not me. I am far from perfect. I am always learning something new, coming up with new theories and falling incredibly short of the idealist perfect that I once thought my life should me. But do you know what? Imperfection is freeing. It allows you to share your heart, to say "I've been there", to let other people know that it's okay to not have it all together. I am human, I make tons of mistakes and what I get right is not in my power it is solely the grace of God pouring out on my life.
The greatest compliment to me is when I walk in a friends house and their floor isn't swept and they got toys everywhere and they got on a pair of sweats. Why? Because it means that they are finally comfortable enough with me to know that all that stuff means nothing to me. Because they know that I love them and all the mess that they are and it means that they love me and all the mess that I am. It's because it is real. Life isn't pretty, life is messy and chaotic! Out of the chaos and craziness we grow beautiful character and hearts that love people where they are because we know we've been there ourselves or could very possibly be there tomorrow. Love is intentional, graceful and forgiving.
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