Here I sit again... I cannot even begin to put words to all the thoughts rushing through my head. I cannot begin to spout words of wisdom or encouragement. I have nothing. I am tired, I don't know what the right thing to do is and I'm living on a prayer that today was just a bump and that we are not about to fall off the cliff again. I hate that cliff, whatever it may be I hate the darn thing. I know it's a place where I can learn and grow and that we will come out better, but I would prefer to fall off the cliff alone and not while holding my child's hand. Life is not fair. How many times do I say those words to my children, especially my one that sees the world in a bold black and white. I love my black and white child, but I do not want to jump off the cliff. I don't want to be sitting here with my legs dangling over the edge wondering if we're going to be pushed off, because let's face it, you never jump off it willingly. Life is not fair.
I love the rolling meadows, the fields of wild flowers. I want to live in the beautiful and float on a cloud. But life is not full of rolling meadows of wild flowers, life is a mountain range. It is beautiful views on top of the mountains you climb, but it is also cliffs, raging rivers, avalanches... I don't get to come to the top of the mountain and build a beautiful house and plant myself in that heaven for the rest of my life. No, I get to climb a mountain and build an alter and again lay my life down and into the hands of my savior who brought me up the mountain in the first place. And he can then say we have a new journey to go on, a new cliff to dive off so we can climb a new mountain. Then I guess sometimes we just get to go cliff diving and then climb the same mountain taking a different route. And this is life. A beautiful adventure...
Maybe I shouldn't look at cliff diving with my child as a thing to fear, but a thing to treasure. Maybe if we cliff dive together as he's growing up, we'll be better for it as the years come. Maybe this cliff diving isn't even really about me. Maybe we are doing this so I can teach my son how to dive, how to face the mountain range of life and come out on top ready to build an alter to our Lord that brought us through. I guess with this perspective I can take a deep breath, calm myself, hold on tight and let my feet dangle, unsure if this is a dive we're taking or a big rock with a view to where we've come from.
