Pray for my Mama

I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  We are all fearfully & wonderfully made.  God knew this day before I ever had breath in my body.  He knew the trials I would face.  And he knows me, you... My mother.  He knows my Mama.  He knit her together in her mother's womb.  He put together every piece of flesh.  Fearfully made.  How can you look at the intricacies of the human body and not know that there is a God?  How can you not be in awe of the one who created us?  Not only did he create us, he created us in his image.  Awe.  

And sin.  Sin entered this world, through the act of two people disregarding what God said to them.  As a kid I always thought, why did Adam & Eve eat the fruit?  It was all so simple in my little mind.  It's still pretty simple, but I know if they hadn't eaten the fruit somebody was bound to.  Sin.  It's a tricky little thing.  Disguised to look so fun, innocent, easy.  And because of sin we will never on this earth know a perfect world.  With sin, entered disease.  

Disease.  I started journaling when I was a little girl.  I was about 7 years old and my dad was dying of cancer.  I've read my journals from that time of my life, my first journal.  You would see a little girl, coping with this horrific thing called cancer.  A girl bargaining with God, not understanding it all.  But a little girl with faith.  Faith that even in this God had a plan.  Well, 20 years later I am still journaling, and we're on our knees again to battle cancer.  My Mama has breast cancer, we just found out.

Cancer.  The word itself brings up all kinds of emotions in my heart.  I know that breast cancer isn't at all like lymphoma, what my dad died of.  But the word itself brings out the irrational, and sometimes rational, fears.  I cannot help but war in my head.  The logic vs. faith vs. modern medicine vs. little 7 year old girl vs. 27 year old woman.  

Add to that, waiting.  They move fast when cancer is found, but it's not nearly fast enough for the family involved.  We find out Friday, mom has appointment with doctor Tuesday with an MRI to follow, surgical consult on Thursday.  But that gives me 4 days of what's the plan, I know the general plan, but is it going to go as planned.  Four days to war in my head with not all the information.  To have the struggle of flesh vs. faith.  Every few minutes it switches whose winning.  

I sit and cry.  Then I run scripture through my head.  I am fearfully & wonderfully made...  I know the plans I have for you...  I knit  you together in your mother's womb...  I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  I knit you together in your mother's womb.  I distract myself.  I am numb.  I am strong, I am weak.  I am mad.  I believe God will heal her.  I'm scared that maybe that's not God's plan.  I know God will heal her.  God, why are we doing this again?  You won't give us anything we cannot handle.  Lord, I cannot handle this.  

So, what do I know.  All I know at this point is one, my Mama is fearfully & wonderfully made & God knit her together in her mother's womb.  God is the great physician.  He has the power to heal my Mama.  He knows her inmost being, her flesh, her spirit, her soul.  She is his daughter.  Two, God knew this day before my Mama had breath, before I had breath.  And He knows what this season holds for my Mama & our family.  And finally three, we have a wonderful group of friends & family that is willing to step up and pray for us, especially my Mama.  So, if you're reading this, you are my friend and please pray for my Mama.  Pray for God's healing.  And know that God's Will will be done.  His good & perfect will.  And that we can be a testimony of who He is.  And pray for healing.

A Journey

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

~Jesus Culture~

Motherhood is hard.  It's the best job on earth, but the most challenging.  To know you are responsible for little souls & for so much of it all to be out of your control.  To constantly be in a period of growth.  Wanting to be better, the best for your children, but constantly questioning if it is enough.  To go from failure to triumph to failure again in the course of 10 minutes. Never will you be more sure & more insecure all in one moment.  To fight not just the judgements of others, but even worse your own judgements of yourself.  And to fail, over & over, not knowing what to do.  To feel so alone, but to crave space to yourself.  One thing, remains.

But the Lord says to you. "You will never know how high, how wide, how deep my love is for you.  I will never leave you, you are never alone.  The road you travel may be rough, but I will carry you through, I will sustain you.  I will be your strength.  I will give you wisdom when you need it most, when you ask.  I will never let you go.  You are my child & I love you.  My heart breaks for your pain, you are not alone.  My mercies are new every morning, your life is a gift.  I do not bring you through the fire to abandon you.  As the sun comes up in the morning, so my love shines on you.  You are precious & honored in my sight, I see no blemish in you.  I bring you through storms because I love you & desire to grow my character in you.  You do not fail me.  I will shine my light through you & my will, will be done.  Now, rest in me."

Motherhood.  It's what challenges me to grow spiritually.  It's what brings the greatest blessings & love that is stronger than steel.  It is the reason I'm not who I was 6 years ago.  It has bred patience, faith, trust, humility...  Humility.  Oh, that's been a hard one.  But I am glad that I'm not who I was yesterday.  Was yesterday's child that bad?  Not at all, but growth is beautiful.  There is beauty in pain, pain brings tears & tears bring refreshment & it all equals growth.  

What is my desire?  To be a woman of godly character.  To be a woman of grace.  To teach my children to love the Lord, that they will serve him.  

I do not know what my next season holds.  It has been a hard road, letting God work in my heart, running from God working in my heart, surrendering to God's work in my heart, seeing how running brought me to understanding & surrender.  Humility.  What an adventure it was.  At the beginning of the year I saw that that was the journey God was taking me on, that I had been on.  I submitted to the journey with fear & trembling, then I ran from the journey, only to find that oddly enough running was a part of the journey that needed to happen, to ultimately bring me to that place of surrendered humility.  Never would I advise running, lol!!! But personally I needed to fail to see just how humble I wasn't.  A few weeks ago that was part of what the Lord revealed to me.  I thought I might share it, because maybe somebody else needs to hear how much our loving father actually loves us.  It's just a little expert from my journal...  It's been my journey as of lately.  I think we've come to the end of that one, for now at least.  So, what does my next season hold?  My heart is surrendered.  But for now my soul is at rest...  I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I will fail, but in my failures & weaknesses, you will see God's unfailing love & strength.  

My desire is that God will use my imperfections to show his love.  That he will fill in the gaps, where I fall short he will deliver.  And my children were his first.  I cannot love them as completely as he does.  So, I take a breath, and try to move through another day.  I try to live a life of grace, and every time I fail I know he will be faithful to carry me through, bring me to the other side & teach me a little something more about being a woman of God.  

I'm praying for a season of rest.  In my rest I need God's wisdom.  His wisdom in raising these beautiful children he gave me.  I need a little more patience.  A little less busy.  A few disciple revelations.  These little people God gives us are nothing like each other.  What works for one doesn't for another.  And when you think you figured it out, it all changes again!  Children are beautiful creatures of wonder.  Every one of my little munchkins has something we're needing to focus on.  So, maybe this is a season of rest for me & growth for them.  Lord, give me wisdom, peace, patience & grace.  And let your will be done, may my those in my house always serve you alone.