Am I an artist? Is it possible that I am just an artist that has refused to ever admit that that alone is my calling? Is written word considered an art? Not that my writing is amazing, but is it possible that it's a gift that never has been fully explored. That the feelings of inadequacy and doubt have quenched what could have been a beautiful thing. There are so many people so much more talented than me in so many different areas, and people that are defiantly artists! But where I struggle to say what I mean in voice I can put to perfect sense on paper. I will get an idea in my head and cannot rest until the words have been put to it, or in some cases the project completed. I can be a dog with a bone and yet other times I can be completely uninspired. Are these just the woes a girl who has never admitted what she is, or hidden from it.
I grew up writing in my journal everyday... Sometimes multiple times a day. I fantasized and wrote little stories, I can describe a scene that would bring you to tears and enjoy it so thoroughly, although I think the only person I've ever shared that with is my mama!!! I can completely lose myself in a scene. Many times I feel awkward with the inability to fully express myself. My feelings are easily hurt, yet I hide it so well. I am like a rock that if you puncture it you would be amazed that it's actually soft inside, but I'm not really one to invite you in. Like I fight to be & know who I am. Yet I can share here, my craziest thoughts and am ok with it.
I am 27 years old and I can fight to figure out who I am, silly right? Normal, probably. Yeah, I don't feel extraordinary. I'm just me, I define myself as a wife, mother & friend. Maybe there is more to me... It may all sound like silly ramblings, but why else would I wake up at 4am and have to write in order to go to sleep again. My brain is the one thing that has always kept me up at night, grrrr. So, I guess maybe I'm still figuring out who I am and where I fit. But if I'm an artist, than maybe some more the pieces make a little more sense... Or maybe the title just doesn't fit.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Motherhood
So many thoughts, so little organization. Happy Mother's Day to me... Mother's day is one of those tricky days for me personally. It never seems to go the way I plan in my head. For instance, my very first mother's day I wanted to celebrate by having a picnic. So, we went to Camano State park and went for a little walk in the crazy cold wind, then ended up having our picnic in the car because it was just too cold! This is my 6th mother's day and I have yet to have the "perfect" day. But really that's motherhood.
There is no perfect day. There are millions of great days, zillions of perfect moments, but a perfect day? No, life just doesn't work that way. We are all human and are too many things we cannot control. But it's those beautiful moments that make a perfect lifetime, because I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Not even the times where all 3 kids decide to melt down at the same time.
The real beauty is in the learning. The knowledge that now my 5 year old son can control his emotions just a little better than he could a year ago. He's not perfect, he still has moments when I want to hide my head in the sand, but the beauty is that those moments don't happen as often as they did a year ago. He's growing and I get the witness the beauty of it, not only do I get to witness it I get to be a key ingredient to his growth & development. I am making a difference, even if at times it's hard to see. The same can be said for all 3 of my kids, their development is amazing, beautiful, miraculous.
Motherhood is a miraculous journey. As much as my children grow, mature, overcome, so do I. My children are my most beautiful achievement, and they're so far from being complete! Every season I watch new things unfold and am breathless with the people my munchkins are turning into. When they get it right, I am humbled, because somehow in all my learning & growing, they too grew. I guess I can never say that God didn't use me on this earth, because my children are a testimony that my life has purpose.
There is no perfect day. There are millions of great days, zillions of perfect moments, but a perfect day? No, life just doesn't work that way. We are all human and are too many things we cannot control. But it's those beautiful moments that make a perfect lifetime, because I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Not even the times where all 3 kids decide to melt down at the same time.
The real beauty is in the learning. The knowledge that now my 5 year old son can control his emotions just a little better than he could a year ago. He's not perfect, he still has moments when I want to hide my head in the sand, but the beauty is that those moments don't happen as often as they did a year ago. He's growing and I get the witness the beauty of it, not only do I get to witness it I get to be a key ingredient to his growth & development. I am making a difference, even if at times it's hard to see. The same can be said for all 3 of my kids, their development is amazing, beautiful, miraculous.
Motherhood is a miraculous journey. As much as my children grow, mature, overcome, so do I. My children are my most beautiful achievement, and they're so far from being complete! Every season I watch new things unfold and am breathless with the people my munchkins are turning into. When they get it right, I am humbled, because somehow in all my learning & growing, they too grew. I guess I can never say that God didn't use me on this earth, because my children are a testimony that my life has purpose.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Mother, My Daughter
At this time in 16 more days I will be getting to hug my mom!!! It's been too long. They have been serving the Lord in Hawaii & Tahiti for the last 5 months. I have missed my parents sooo much. I am constantly hearing about Hawaii from my kids, wanting to know when Grandma & Grandpa will be home. I miss being able to talk to my mom, hang out with her, watch her play with my children, getting hugs when I need them most. I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother. We had our share of struggles while I was growing up, but I have never met a more amazing woman than my mother. She is a strong & loving woman. She has experienced a lot of life in her lifetime & has grown in wisdom & grace. My children are so lucky that I broke her in & made her such a wonderful grandmother!!! I cannot wait for her to be an actively present part of our lives again! We have done the skype thing & talked on the phone, but it's not the same as hugs & face to face quality time.
I hope my mama has a good Mother's Day a whole country away from us... I will miss her so much, but am so blessed that she is only a timezone away & not a lifetime... I think we're in for a mother daughter day when she gets home though! I pray that I will be able to be as good as a mother as mine, actually I hope to be an even better mother, although I'm really not sure how that is possible! But my mother taught me so much. She always encouraged me, stood beside me, let me cry, tried to understand, taught me who God was & taught me to learn to see myself through His eyes. I am a woman & was a girl. Sure I experienced insecurities, and still do, but I have always known who I was in the eyes of my Lord. In the core, my heart of hearts, I know, I may fight with all my might to believe it sometimes, but there is no doubt. I have my mother to thank for that. She always believed in me, always loved me, always told me I was beautiful. She raised me from a little baby, I made her cry many times & I'm sure I drove her half crazy, a lot of the time, I am a girl after all! But she never stopped loving me. I am so thankful for the example I had of a godly woman. I hope I can be an example to my daughter.
I am learning what little girls are made of. My beautiful little daughter is just over 2 years old now. I am learning so much about myself while raising her. I am challenged so often by my pint size mini me. I have found the things that drive me nuts the most about my daughter are things that I see in myself! I wonder if it was the same for my mother? I wonder if I challenged her to grow so she could be "worthy" of raising me. I'm pretty sure I was and am her treasure, Abigail is mine. I love watching my little girl practically prance around the neighborhood, walk in my heels & face life with a pure joy I have never seen before. Before you think girls are a dream, the truth is, they're not! They are emotional little people, even when so young! Abigail is actually great right now, but a couple months ago, she had to have a little extra "loving work" put into her!
I wondered why God ever gave me a little girl, boys are so much more simple! I think he gave me a little girl to challenge me. To make me a more godly woman. To teach me humility. To bless me. Because the bottom line is that Abigail is one of my 4 greatest blessings. She is the only blessing that has come in a pink package, but the joys of that pink package are amazing!!! She is teaching me so much and she is the sweetest little girl ever! I look forward to all the girly things that I get to experience with her. I love her hugs, girls just know how to hug! There is no one more beautiful than my daughter, she is beauty inside shining out.
My Mama is beauty inside shining out as well. I have never met somebody who didn't like my mom... And if they didn't we're probably not friends, since I'm probably a lot like my mom! My mama loves people. She loves me, my husband and my kids. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I hurt for those who do not know their mothers, who cannot look at their mothers with love. Who have not known the love a mother. I know in this next season of our lives I'll be seeing more kids who don't know the love of a mother. I pray that they will find that love in our home. I pray that I will be a godly woman who can share my love with the little friends my children bring home. I pray that God will fill in all the gaps that my imperfect mothering cannot. That one day my children will look at me and see a godly woman and be thankful for the example I was for them. I have so much to learn, so much to strive for. My mothering journey is only 6 years in after all! May the grace of God rest on me and my house, may his presence be felt in our home, and may he reign in our lives.
I hope my mama has a good Mother's Day a whole country away from us... I will miss her so much, but am so blessed that she is only a timezone away & not a lifetime... I think we're in for a mother daughter day when she gets home though! I pray that I will be able to be as good as a mother as mine, actually I hope to be an even better mother, although I'm really not sure how that is possible! But my mother taught me so much. She always encouraged me, stood beside me, let me cry, tried to understand, taught me who God was & taught me to learn to see myself through His eyes. I am a woman & was a girl. Sure I experienced insecurities, and still do, but I have always known who I was in the eyes of my Lord. In the core, my heart of hearts, I know, I may fight with all my might to believe it sometimes, but there is no doubt. I have my mother to thank for that. She always believed in me, always loved me, always told me I was beautiful. She raised me from a little baby, I made her cry many times & I'm sure I drove her half crazy, a lot of the time, I am a girl after all! But she never stopped loving me. I am so thankful for the example I had of a godly woman. I hope I can be an example to my daughter.
I am learning what little girls are made of. My beautiful little daughter is just over 2 years old now. I am learning so much about myself while raising her. I am challenged so often by my pint size mini me. I have found the things that drive me nuts the most about my daughter are things that I see in myself! I wonder if it was the same for my mother? I wonder if I challenged her to grow so she could be "worthy" of raising me. I'm pretty sure I was and am her treasure, Abigail is mine. I love watching my little girl practically prance around the neighborhood, walk in my heels & face life with a pure joy I have never seen before. Before you think girls are a dream, the truth is, they're not! They are emotional little people, even when so young! Abigail is actually great right now, but a couple months ago, she had to have a little extra "loving work" put into her!
I wondered why God ever gave me a little girl, boys are so much more simple! I think he gave me a little girl to challenge me. To make me a more godly woman. To teach me humility. To bless me. Because the bottom line is that Abigail is one of my 4 greatest blessings. She is the only blessing that has come in a pink package, but the joys of that pink package are amazing!!! She is teaching me so much and she is the sweetest little girl ever! I look forward to all the girly things that I get to experience with her. I love her hugs, girls just know how to hug! There is no one more beautiful than my daughter, she is beauty inside shining out. 
My Mama is beauty inside shining out as well. I have never met somebody who didn't like my mom... And if they didn't we're probably not friends, since I'm probably a lot like my mom! My mama loves people. She loves me, my husband and my kids. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I hurt for those who do not know their mothers, who cannot look at their mothers with love. Who have not known the love a mother. I know in this next season of our lives I'll be seeing more kids who don't know the love of a mother. I pray that they will find that love in our home. I pray that I will be a godly woman who can share my love with the little friends my children bring home. I pray that God will fill in all the gaps that my imperfect mothering cannot. That one day my children will look at me and see a godly woman and be thankful for the example I was for them. I have so much to learn, so much to strive for. My mothering journey is only 6 years in after all! May the grace of God rest on me and my house, may his presence be felt in our home, and may he reign in our lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)