A Journey

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

~Jesus Culture~

Motherhood is hard.  It's the best job on earth, but the most challenging.  To know you are responsible for little souls & for so much of it all to be out of your control.  To constantly be in a period of growth.  Wanting to be better, the best for your children, but constantly questioning if it is enough.  To go from failure to triumph to failure again in the course of 10 minutes. Never will you be more sure & more insecure all in one moment.  To fight not just the judgements of others, but even worse your own judgements of yourself.  And to fail, over & over, not knowing what to do.  To feel so alone, but to crave space to yourself.  One thing, remains.

But the Lord says to you. "You will never know how high, how wide, how deep my love is for you.  I will never leave you, you are never alone.  The road you travel may be rough, but I will carry you through, I will sustain you.  I will be your strength.  I will give you wisdom when you need it most, when you ask.  I will never let you go.  You are my child & I love you.  My heart breaks for your pain, you are not alone.  My mercies are new every morning, your life is a gift.  I do not bring you through the fire to abandon you.  As the sun comes up in the morning, so my love shines on you.  You are precious & honored in my sight, I see no blemish in you.  I bring you through storms because I love you & desire to grow my character in you.  You do not fail me.  I will shine my light through you & my will, will be done.  Now, rest in me."

Motherhood.  It's what challenges me to grow spiritually.  It's what brings the greatest blessings & love that is stronger than steel.  It is the reason I'm not who I was 6 years ago.  It has bred patience, faith, trust, humility...  Humility.  Oh, that's been a hard one.  But I am glad that I'm not who I was yesterday.  Was yesterday's child that bad?  Not at all, but growth is beautiful.  There is beauty in pain, pain brings tears & tears bring refreshment & it all equals growth.  

What is my desire?  To be a woman of godly character.  To be a woman of grace.  To teach my children to love the Lord, that they will serve him.  

I do not know what my next season holds.  It has been a hard road, letting God work in my heart, running from God working in my heart, surrendering to God's work in my heart, seeing how running brought me to understanding & surrender.  Humility.  What an adventure it was.  At the beginning of the year I saw that that was the journey God was taking me on, that I had been on.  I submitted to the journey with fear & trembling, then I ran from the journey, only to find that oddly enough running was a part of the journey that needed to happen, to ultimately bring me to that place of surrendered humility.  Never would I advise running, lol!!! But personally I needed to fail to see just how humble I wasn't.  A few weeks ago that was part of what the Lord revealed to me.  I thought I might share it, because maybe somebody else needs to hear how much our loving father actually loves us.  It's just a little expert from my journal...  It's been my journey as of lately.  I think we've come to the end of that one, for now at least.  So, what does my next season hold?  My heart is surrendered.  But for now my soul is at rest...  I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I will fail, but in my failures & weaknesses, you will see God's unfailing love & strength.  

My desire is that God will use my imperfections to show his love.  That he will fill in the gaps, where I fall short he will deliver.  And my children were his first.  I cannot love them as completely as he does.  So, I take a breath, and try to move through another day.  I try to live a life of grace, and every time I fail I know he will be faithful to carry me through, bring me to the other side & teach me a little something more about being a woman of God.  

I'm praying for a season of rest.  In my rest I need God's wisdom.  His wisdom in raising these beautiful children he gave me.  I need a little more patience.  A little less busy.  A few disciple revelations.  These little people God gives us are nothing like each other.  What works for one doesn't for another.  And when you think you figured it out, it all changes again!  Children are beautiful creatures of wonder.  Every one of my little munchkins has something we're needing to focus on.  So, maybe this is a season of rest for me & growth for them.  Lord, give me wisdom, peace, patience & grace.  And let your will be done, may my those in my house always serve you alone.