Dirty Little Secret

I have a confession to make, it's my dirty little secret. Sometimes I wish I could be drama. Sometimes I crave the attention that all these drama queens get. Now, the truth is that I really don't want to be drama, it's I want the attention. There are days where I just don't really feel that special. I am just your average stay-at-home mother. Thankfully, while the rest of the world finds me normal, uninteresting & boring, my husband has another view of me & he does give me plenty of attention. So the dirty little secret is that I want to be loved & adored by everybody. The truth is out, I actually am a people-pleaser, peace-maker.

I also hate to be the center of attention, most the time. But I like to be in it all. I want to know people are thinking about me & want to be with me. Yep, I know, I'm a living paradox. Maybe that's part of the reason that I always loved being pregnant, because I always felt special then. Everybody wanted to know how I was doing, how I was feeling, thought I was the sweetest thing ever. I was in a subtle way the center of attention. No, I didn't intentionally put myself there in that spot, I just was & being was so special. I'm a crazy lady that loved going into labor because all the nurses fawned over me & then when my babies were born the fawned over both of us, took care of us, made us feel like the most special people in the world. Now, I really do sound like a crazy person!!!

So, I say that I want to be drama, but that's really not the truth. In fact, I try to steer clear of drama & never like to be a part of it. It's like a tornado that twirls & spins around me, but I'm untouched... Untouched & wondering if people even remember me... I'm always shocked when I run into somebody I haven't seen in years & they still remember me. In my eyes I'm nothing special. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my view that's screwed. Maybe I am somebody special to the people that live outside of my home. Maybe, just maybe it's me that needs new eyes. Maybe it's my desire to be the world's best friend that makes me feel inadequate because after all that is too much for any human to be. I can't be everything to everybody, I'm not God after all.

And there is the truth. I am not God after all. What I need is to remind myself of how He sees me. Oh, I know how he sees me & it's a beautiful thing that brings me to tears. So, I guess maybe I don't need to be special because I am already special to him & that really is enough. Yes... It's enough.