New Year's

I'm not really a New Year's Resolution kind of person... I don't know what I am, I do regularly set goals for myself, or at least think of things I want to work on. I seem to have seasons of growth in one area or another. So maybe I'm a season person, not a resolution person. But this year maybe I'll give it a try. And I'm going to start small, since when I try to take on the world it rarely happens.

Resolution #1  Have a Monthly Date Night... Yeah, monthly seems like waay to little, but let's be honest, in the past year it hasn't happened. So, I'm starting small. If we can do it this year, maybe next year we can have a date night twice a month!

Resolution #2  Take 3+ Hours to Myself a Month... Once again, small goal. But I have severe mommy guilt when I take time to myself, even though I know I desperately need it! My problem is that I can too easily see it from somebody else's point of view & other people always seem to have it harder than me, even if I'm on the edge of going crazy, chances are I know somebody who is even closer to crazy than me! So, I'm think a solid 3+ hours to myself a month is a good start, I don't need to feel bad about taking care of myself, but I probably still will!

Resolution #3   Take More Pictures...  I always seem to go on in waves. Sometimes I take a lot of pictures then I won't take any for weeks. I think I'm going to try that whole take one picture a day thing... Granted I won't beat myself up if I don't get it done, but it kinda sounds fun, maybe think of some different pictures to take... Maybe I'll add save for a better camera to this goal, I always miss the best pictures because my camera is too slow.

Resolution #4   Spend 2 Hours Alone with Each Kid a Month...  My kids are awesome, but they're even more fun when you spend time with them alone. You can do things that you can't usually do when you're attention is split 3 different ways. So I want to do "dates" with my kids. Again, we're starting small.

I guess this year is a year of starting small. It seems to be my theme. But I can do small and honestly I think I'm just coming out of the "mommy fog." If you're a mommy you know what mommy fog is. It takes awhile to get out of survival mode, and I think it's done in stages. This is the year where I get my butt back in gear & on top of things. And let's face it, it's a lot easier to say it in a blog post than actually do it! So, it may be simple, but it's also probably doable! Happy New Year's everybody!!!

Deny Me Peace

The other Sunday one of the things that really stood out to me that our pastor said was how the Lord doesn't choose us for ease, he chooses us to use us. That our greatest joy may also be our greatest sorrow. Jesus birth was Mary's greatest joy, but 30 some years later she watched her son dying on a cross. Greatest joy, greatest sorrow. He also shared this quote with us, "may God deny you peace but give you glory." It's stuck with me. Being used by God isn't all joy & peace, there is heartbreak... Often I want to be used by God, but I want the peace, the joy, I don't think about the heartbreak, I don't want the heartbreak. I've been asking myself, do I really have the courage to face the heartbreak? Am I begging God to use me, but also holding myself back because I only want the good stuff?

I know that that is not what God has called me to do. He hasn't chosen me to experience joy without heartbreak. If I am experiencing joy then I am really feeling and you cannot feel joy and think you will never feel sorrow. And trust me, I have felt sorrow, and joy as well. But to ask to feel joy with the complete knowledge that you will feel sorrow too... Then the joy carries you through the sorrow, so sorrow isn't all bad, it's a time to remember the joy that he has given you. I realized you are probably not following my thinking, so let me see if I can put this together.

I am asking God to use me. In asking him to use me I am saying this knowing that the very thing that brings me joy may also bring me sorrow. I know that whatever sorrow I face He will carry me through, because the joy of the Lord is my strength. There are days where I repeat that over & over all day, believing that if I say it enough I will believe it & know it. So I guess I am saying that I think I am able to honestly pray, "Lord, deny me peace but give me glory, that I may honor you. That your presence will be with me always, so when I face sorrow I will know that you are with me. Give me courage to daily surrender my life to your will."

I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a mother that loves her children & passes on her love for the Lord. I want to be a wife who loves, supports & encourages her husband. I hope that people will see me & see a woman that loves the Lord. I also struggle with how exactly to share what he is doing in my life. I struggle with where the line is, when you're pushing people away rather than drawing them to Him. I try to let my actions & my life speak for itself, but then at times I look at my life & think it's a rather poor example of a Christian walk. And so I am human. And I am trying to honor God with my life and I fail and I succeed. And I will keep trying to be that woman that serves the Lord, who leaves a legacy of grace & whose family loves & serves the Lord. Deny me peace if it means that it brings you glory, Lord. Give me the strength to honor you no matter the circumstance.

Christmas @ Schoenmakes

Christmas at the Schoenmaker's, it's the event of the year... I remember growing up the anticipation of that special day the Saturday before Christmas. Always watching the weather, seemed like some road or another was always flooded! My mom's whole family would get together, all my aunts & uncles & cousins, probably easily 50+ people... We would go out to my Uncle David's farm, which was always a treat in & of itself, I was after all a horse freak & he had a couple.

Once there I remember anxiously watching out the window, guess at who was driving up the long driveway. The hugs & greetings, the love shared by family. I also remember following my mom around, listening to all the conversations. And every year it took me awhile to warm up & then when it was time to go I would begin the "I don't want to leave!!!" cry. I also remember plenty of political debates & fishing stories, vacations taken recounted.

I was remembering these things & so much more this year at the party. I am watching my kids make themselves at home, playing with toys, talking to great aunts & uncles. They are now getting to enjoy these same people that always made me feel so special & loved. I wonder if they will have fond memories of these times, of waiting for some cousin or another to come down the long driveway. Listening to the stories told by aunts & uncles, seeing the love of a big family in action. I am so blessed to have Schoenmaker in my blood, it's an honor to be part of such an amazing family.

The gathering is smaller these days. We have some snowbirds in our family & some that have moved from the area, but it's still a special time. And those family members missing are far from forgotten. They are in our memories, they are thought & spoken of in conversations. I look forward to the day when we can have the whole family together, maybe we'll have to plan a gigantic camping trip a couple years in advance... Wouldn't it be something to see how much we've grown, because I have so many memories as a kid and now I am one of the adults... although I still got stuck at the kid table! In protest we said that the other table was for the "old" people! Yep, love my family!

Tree Day

Happy Tree Day!!! Also known as the day we got our Christmas tree. I think this has been the best time getting our tree, the kids were all old enough to walk, the boys helped cut it & we got the biggest tree I have ever had in my life! Which by the way, looked a lot smaller outside, but I wouldn't trade it!

I would have to say this has been a great day. I loved driving to the tree farm with Shane & the kids... Dominic was in the back with his headphones on listening to his Christmas cd, he kept singing along like he was the only one in the world. He was so cute & listening to him sing the words then mumble sing parts he didn't know was hilarious. Oddly enough my Gabriel highlight was when we stopped the car & were getting out, I turn to look back at him & he has his headphones across his face, giving me the sweetest little smile. He is such a silly little boy, so full of joy. My Abigail highlight would have so be watching her kiss daddy on the couch. Oddly enough none of them really involved the tree... Oh, except for my boys highlight! They helped cut down the tree and Gabe cracked me up. He lays flat down on the ground on his belly, sticks out his tongue & starts to cut the tree, half a second in he's asking daddy to help.

My heart is so full of joy right now. I loved watching my little people enjoying the magic of Christmas. They made me smile a million times today. And now our tree is up & decorated, Abigail is asleep & the boys are on their way to bed. It was truly been a magical day, Christmas is here!

24 Hours of Crazy Fun

The kids had their first night in a hotel! I went with my mom down to the Olympia area to visit two of my aunt's & my cousins new baby. The kids did wonderful in the car, I was pleasantly surprised. I have now decided that the trick to a good road trip is to go in the morning, although they did good when we came back from Grandma Bonnie's in the late evening a few weeks ago. It also probably helps that our new car has a dvd player in it, well, helps the boys, Abi could care less!

When we get to the hotel the boys are sooo excited. They run around the little room, there is a kitchenette, which Dominic thinks is just the coolest thing ever. He opens the door of the freezer & yells, "there are ice cubes in here! and when we eat them all we can make more!!!" They were also super thrilled with the 30 year old 19 inch tv... Why? I really don't know, I think it was just really the novelty of something different. So, we get them in their jammies & start getting ourselves ready for bed as the boys jump from bed to bed. It was like the classic kids seeing a hotel room for the first time. They were so excited that I don't think they fell asleep until after 9:30 or so.

Sleeping at the hotel was an experience as well! First Gabe kept kicking Dominic, but I dealt with that & it was a minor problem. I told them a story as they were going to sleep, rare treat since I am the furthest thing from a storyteller there is... It helped that really I just told them the Christmas story, I know that one pretty well. They fell asleep & then the real fun started... Abigail. She fell asleep & kept coughing in her sleep, which kept me up. And then of course there was the stupid side door of the hotel that people kept coming in & it would slam every time! I swear it slammed at least 20 times. About two hours after Abi fell asleep she woke up screaming. She wouldn't be comforted unless I picked her up. I'm thinking it's the middle of the night, she's going to wake up our whole room & probably everybody else in the hotel. She ended up coming in bed with mom & me. And she wiggles & wiggles then goes to sleep for about half an hour, then wakes up again crying. Then goes back to sleep & starts all over again. I think throughout the whole night I probably got about an hour of sleep & I am not kidding!

But I would have done it again, just for the fact of seeing my boys so excited over the hotel room. And to seeing them jumping from bed to bed. They had a blast on our little trip & who knows, it might be one of those trips that they remember even when they're adults... At the very least I will be hearing about it for the next year!

We spent all afternoon at my Auntie Vickie's and Dominic would ask every time he wanted to say something to her, "umm... what's her name again?" sometimes this question would come multiple times in a 5 minute radius of time! I spent a lot of my time rolling my eyes & reminding myself that they are young. I also treasured their faces at every "new" experience. And I will never forget Gabriel drinking the syrup out of the little bowl at Denny's this morning. Drinking it like juice, then offering it to Abi. Oh and Abi opening a packet of jam & licking it until we gave her a spoon to eat it with.

At my Auntie Nini's her house was all decorated like Christmas. She had this snowman that was all lite up outside, when we left Abi was taking her time. I turn around to get her & she is over right next to the snowman, petting it. I think the lights mesmerized her. We loved seeing baby Collin, he was super cute!!! Crazy to think how fast they grow! The boys also filled their bellies with peppermint oreos before bed there. They each got two, but I saw Gabe sneaking more... And Dominic charmed more out of Aunt Nini too! It was a good night, a good trip.

The rules that were broken were rules that sometimes you just gotta roll your eyes & remember they are only kids once, so why not let them enjoy? Yep, it was a long 24 hours, but a 24 hours I will treasure if for no other reason that I got to really appreciate my kids being just that, my kids. And I love my little crazy kids, although I am looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight & some peace & quiet in 16 years when they're all moved out!

My Little Girl

Little girls are nothing like you can imagine. You think they should be sweet & quiet & gentle. And I'm sure some of them must be, but my little girl doesn't have a gentle bone in her body! She is a little bully, she hits more than my boys ever did, she picks the kittens up by the skin of their backs & she has an opinion that cannot be ignored... She is a passionate girl, that's what I've decided to call her, because then people will less likely take it wrong. I love my little fireball, but wow, does she drive me up the wall!!!

I can't believe that I'm going to admit it, but I think she's a little bit me... She is happy as long as everything is going her way & everybody is doing what she wants them to do. This is something I hate to admit about myself, but it's also something that I'm trying to get better at as well. But a bully I am not, so she must have gotten that from daddy, I do remember him telling me he frequently beat his older brother... So, I wonder if this means that she took our personality challenges & put them all into her? Oh, we're in for it!

Although there is a very sweet side to this little girl. She gives great hugs & her kisses are to die for. She puckers up by sticking her lower lip out & sucking her upper lip in, it's seriously the cutest thing ever! Of her limited words, the one that makes me want to cry is "sorry". Yep, she hit her brothers because they looked at her toys, she got a little spanking then had to tell them sorry. So she comes out of her room with big fat tears in her eyes saying, "sorry" and gives them big hugs. She prances around in a way I will never forget, she gave the happy dance the greatest makeover ever! Sitting in the car she's making the Little Einsteins Annie doll sing, she sings along & shakes her little head so fast then smiles & laughs. She is darling & I couldn't be more in love with her.

 Maybe it's that as girls we're emotional people. And when you really can't talk and everybody is bigger than you, maybe you just can't help but try to fight for your life. I don't want to admit that I see myself in my daughter's "passion" but it's true that I do. I am just a little older & have spent the last 26 years learning to harness my emotions. Really she hasn't had much time to even start learning how to deal, she hasn't even been here two years! It's a little easier if I remind myself of this, but there is to is also the challenge of figuring out how to deal with her when her little emotions collide with mine. Maybe that is why girls are challenging, because you see yourself so clearly in them & honestly it's not always the best of you that you see! I hope that the good, the beautiful, the joy that I see in her, I hope that some of that is in me as well. I hope that I can show her how to be a godly woman, show her that it's ok to struggle but that the beauty is in the victory. Challenges are not something to be feared, they are something to be cherished because it means that we're still worthwhile enough to grow. So, I am embracing my life, my challenges & praying that I will come out victorious, but I already know I will because God already has the victory & he is in me. And I love my passionate little girl that is stretching me & growing me into a better woman each day.

Sunshine & Rainbows

I feel like our household has taken a dose of crazy. We are super busy with the holidays & Shane is crazy busy with his work, they're moving the yard to Marysville right smack in the middle of December! And here I am, in the middle of crazy. I am desperately trying to find normal. This year has been one change after another & I'm struggling to find my footing as we're closing out the year.

So here I am in my crazy world. The kids are amazing & beautiful, but as a group they are overwhelming. It's one of those things that I really know they are not the problem & it's just me, but they are so much easier to blame. I know what I need is time to myself, but the taking the time to myself still feels selfish because I know what everybody else is going through in their lives as well. I have days where I feel that I deserve time to myself & I have days where I feel like I don't deserve time to myself. And really what I mean by time to myself is time away from my lovely little children.

I think that's one of the biggest struggles of motherhood, figuring out how to take care of ourselves. It's easy to see that your husband needs you, that your children need you, but do you really need yourself? You do need yourself, because if you don't have you, what do you have? And motherhood is a constant giving up of who you are for the needs of those around you. You stick yourself on the back burner, or at least I do. And then you wake up a realize, "I'm tired. And I don't know what else I have to give?" The problem is that feeling doesn't go away. When you have that feeling you know you've put  yourself away for so long that now you have to work to find you in the midst of your life once again. And here I sit, finding myself.

I am tired. And I have nothing left to give. I am tired of being strong, of being happy. I am tired of being sunshine & rainbows. My sun is hiding behind a cloud so there is no rainbows in the rain, it's just plain old rain. And yet I don't know how to be who I am not. Because the truth is that I am sunshine & rainbows, I just don't feel like it. That means that I got a stupid cloud that I have to deal with. And so now I have to figure out how to take care of myself, while taking care of my family. And the problem with being a sunshine & rainbow person is that even when you're rainbows are crashing & your sunshine is gone, you're still seeing the stinking sunshine & rainbows!!! So nobody really know just how serious this problem is, unless they're a sunshine & rainbow person & quite frankly we're really rare!

So I am ranting, because this is after all, my blog. And I am fine, because I am a sunshine & rainbow girl. I am thankful that I will get my sunshine & rainbows back. I know what I need, it's just a matter of finding the time... If anything, I will have that time at the end of January, when I go to women's retreat. I know that I need a good amount of uninterrupted time with God. I also need a good amount of uninterrupted time with my man, Shane. Which I will get the beginning of January, when we celebrate our 7th anniversary. And so, in the meantime, I am going along, living the days that are given me, slowly working to get myself back together. It's been a year of joy, disappointment. loss & treasure found. The beauty of it is that God has brought us through & we are stronger than we were a year ago. Now I just gotta figure life out in our new life. And here God is faithful too. Today another preschool mommy asked me if I wanted to do a playdate sometime & gave me her number. And I'm going to get together with her & begin making friends in our new little community. So, I guess I am ok, because I know that sunshine & rainbows are just around the corner.

Kittens

We decided a few months ago to get the kids a kitten for Christmas. Then I fell in love with a picture of a cat online, so I called NOAH and they said he was still there. We get the kids together and go on over, and my pretty kitten was gone. Since we were there we decided to look at the other kittens. Shane fell in love with one and Gabe was in love with another, since the second was free we ended up with two.


Now we've been living in a crazy world for the last few days. The kids are crazy about the kittens, but they're still afraid of the kids & the dog. I cannot wait for them to adjust, I would like to go back to normal life. I really like kittens, I think they are fun, but scared kittens are annoying. I don't know if when we had Thumper if he took this long to adjust to our household. Were we calmer or was he just better adjusted because he came from a house & not a shelter?


One way or another, these kittens will adjust as well. And they will be super fun & we will love them a lot. They are babies after all. Dominic was pretty funny when we picked them out because he didn't want a little kitten he wanted a big cat... We told him the kittens would grow up to be big cats, we had to get them little so they wouldn't be afraid of them or Tully, and so now we're waiting for them to adjust, hopefully sooner than later.

Moving onto Decorating

Today my fall decorations were put away. I realized that I have had a glass bowl full of leaves, gourds & pine cones sitting on the table for over a month! That sounds like a small accomplishment, but it's soo not!!! Do you know what this means for me? This means that I can officially begin decorating my house again! It means that little hands have left my things alone! It means that I can begin wandering out of this forest of baby-proofing...

When we had Dominic I thought to myself, "I will never baby proof my house." Yeah, my child was going to leave my things alone & never get into anything that wasn't his. He was going to be a perfect little angel. Wow! I so hadn't met my child yet!!! Dominic was and is all boy! He started crawling at 5 months & by the time he was 6 months he was pulling himself up & climbing on anything on the floor. And this angel kid of mine, oh he didn't just touch my stuff, he made it his personal mission to get into any & everything that could make a mess or break! Add to this that when he was 7 months old I found out we were pregnant with Gabriel & was sicker than a dog... So, we baby-proofed, but baby proofing in our house was taken to the next level, because we didn't have to baby proof for any baby we had to do it for Dominic. And even at 7 months old that kid was just too smart & he certainly hadn't learned how to productively use those smarts!

Now as I packed away those fall decorations I realized that we have closed another chapter in our lives. We can now leave some things out & not have to worry about them being destroyed. The kids still make a lot of messes & there are things that we still won't leave out, but this is a step in the right direction. We are gaining in self-control! This means that the poinsettia's Shane got me can stay on the table & they will be left alone. This means that when he buys my flowers for our anniversary I can leave them on the table, right smack in the middle, where we can all enjoy them, where they belong. And no, I will not miss the days of spices dumped all over the counter, books constantly pulled off shelves & diaper cream used as moisturizers in the hair! No, I won't miss that & I have pictures to remind me of the beautiful faces discovering the world, and pictures are much cleaner than the actual time in life! Although, we do still hide wipes, they're just irresistible!

Faith & Thanksgiving

I've been trying to think over the last month, what am I really thankful for. I am thankful for many things, especially the obvious! So, lets get deeper. What does it boil down to?

I figured it out, as I was cleaning my kitchen at midnight... Faith. I am most thankful for faith. I have had many times in my life where I could have looked around & given up. I have had many loses, disappointments & hurts. But in it all I have never lost faith. I have had moments that I've been sad, mad, hysterical, and not understood & even questioned the emphasis why? But in all of that I have never questioned if my God was faithful. I think the Lord gave me the greatest blessing in giving me an unwavering faith. I do not say that lightly, and I know in saying that I'm sure to have many more times of having that very faith tested, but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my God is faithful.

I think that faith is what has brought be through so much. It's that faith that despite all the trials we have gone through in the last few years, I can look and see that my marriage has only gotten stronger. Where many people would turn on their spouses we have grown to love & appreciate each other more. It's my faith that has kept me dependent on my Lord instead of the people & things of this world. I am no saint and an always growing in this area, made a lot of mistakes, don't get me wrong! If you want examples or want to know, feel free to ask, I'm not afraid to share!

I don't know how I got this gift of faith. I believe it was given to me by God, because it doesn't make sense to me how in so many storms I have never wavered. I know throughout my life I have prayed for child-like faith, it's something that has always stood out to be from the time I was little in Sunday school. Maybe because I was a child... When I had my first child, Dominic, I had my first real real illustration of this child-like faith. Dominic was about a year old and he's climbing the stairs, playing, he turns around doesn't even stop to see if I'm watching him & jumps. He jumps & I caught him. He didn't question if his mama was gonna catch him, he just jumped. He knew I would, because well, when hadn't I caught him? He knows I love him & that I won't let him fall. And that is what child-like faith is. It's jumping without questioning if God is going to catch you...

No, life isn't going to be easy. You are going to fall down, sometimes you have to fall a little to learn that maybe you shouldn't hop down the stairs on one foot. Does that mean that your father isn't catching you? No, it means he's letting you see what your limits are, so you can learn that maybe jumping down the stairs on one foot isn't such a good idea. He told you, but you just had to see for yourself. So now you have a little bruise, your daddy gives  you a hug, wipes away your tears & tells you that it's going to be alright.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the gift of faith. Because I know that even when I fall, He will pick me up, wipe away my tears & tell me He loves me and that everything will be alright.

cats & dogs

I got to go to preschool today! I love going to preschool, because it's this magical world where my boy is super happy & well behaved & I didn't have to do a thing to get him that way! I get to watch him play with his friends, learn, do crafts & charm his teachers. I also got to see him use his magic line on one of his girlfriends, "Katie, your hair is really pretty." Guess mama isn't the only one with pretty hair, little stinker, gonna have to watch that kid!

So, today I got to watch imaginations at their best. I saw a bunch of cats & dogs. I've been hearing about them from his teachers. They say they always have cats & dogs, sometimes it gets out of control, but this is where I add to my 101 reasons I love having my son in the afternoon class. The afternoon class is smaller, only 11 kids, and they are a little calmer too! I watched as Dominic transformed into a very realistic cat, if he didn't look like a person I would have been fooled. A couple of his little friends took care of him as he meowed & was pet & fed. The imagination is a powerful thing & I am so glad that my son uses his to explore life, real & unreal. I will welcome the cats & dogs in our home any day. An imaginative world is a safe place to learn, explore & play. I am so glad that Dominic can enjoy the simple pleasures found in sharing a different world with his friends, even if it's all pretend! Who wouldn't love to be a cat for the day?

My Kitchen

My kitchen in my place of refuge in my home. It's where I make our meals & think. With 3 young kids it's also been the place of great interest to the munchkins. I remember Dominic dancing on the dishwasher (don't let your children do this, it will break your dishwasher!!!) then pulling everything out of the drawers & cabinets... Later he would learn how to climb on the counter & dump all my spices. I think that that is when my kitchen became the place where I dreaded having my children. I fight to keep them out. I know they love "helping" mama, but with all three of them wanting to help I have just thrown up my hands and chased them out.

Now, I am trying to figure out how to let them back in. Dominic is now 4 1/2 and is really a good helper, Gabe probably wouldn't be so bad himself. I know I loved cooking with my mama when I was little. So, this afternoon I looked around & saw that Abigail & Gabriel were sleeping & Dominic was just quietly hanging out. I thought to myself, here is my perfect opportunity. I took a deep breath and asked, "Dominic, do you want to help me clean up the kitchen?" He was up & there in less than a second.

It's what proceeded during this time that amazed me. I set him up with the scrubber & gave him a pot to wash. That boy washed it so well, and with the best attitude I have seen all day, and today has been a good day! He washed everything! And while he's washing he says, "I am the best washer! Look how fast I wash this." There were a couple pots with hard to get stuff, so I showed him how to get it, he says, "you can't hide from me, food! I'm gonna wash you so good! scrub, scrub!!!" He cleaned our kitchen with such joy and his joy is washing over me as I watch the little man at work. When he was done washing I told him to wipe up the floor, he did it no problem, then he even swept it! He didn't do a very good job sweeping, but listening to him, "food, you can't hide from me! I'm going to get you all!" will stick with me forever.


So, yeah, the kitchen has been my sanctuary. But after watching my little man I realize it's a much better sanctuary with him as a part. He blessed my like crazy with his silly antics, his determination to do a good job & his joy in the process. I still don't know how I'm gonna let the other two in, but today there was hope. Hope that it can be a place that I can share & find joy in the sharing. I think the real trick is that they just have to be a little older, I still don't think I can let my mini me in & have the experience that I did today with Dominic... But in a couple more years, oh I am so excited to see what elements of joy she will bring to this scared place!

the witching hour

The witching hour... If your a mother of young children, you know what this is. The time of day when you just want to throw up your hands & go hide in a hole. The hour when it all catches up with you. The hour when you feel that you're the biggest failure as a mother because at this very moment you can no longer keep it together. You have been loving on your children since they woke you up, before the sun shows it face! You cuddle, you play, you read, you feed, you love, you discipline, you teach... the list could go on for years. You are juggling your little world, trying to keep little people happy, trying to keep your house together, trying to keep your spouses needs met, and somewhere in there wishing you could get a solid hour all to yourself. The witching hour is when it just all crashes down.

And I know I can't mother my children in my own strength. I know all to well the times my strength fails. I also have a God that is willing to give me the strength to keep going. He can calm storms, but do I let him calm the storm that happens when the daily world falls apart? I am still learning... Sometimes I can feel his peace, and we continue in grace. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed I forget that I can have his peace... Admitting it is admitting that I am not perfect, but if there is one thing motherhood has taught me it is that I am about as far from perfect as they come.

And I look at myself at this moment & I am ok. I've got a lot to learn, I still have a lot of growing up to do... I have a feeling that in another 10 years I'll think that I still have a lot of growing up to do! And so today, I am extending myself the grace God has already given me. I am a good mother because everyday I'm a little better at it! I am a good mother because I love my children more than anything. I am a good mother because we have a lot more good days than bad days! Life is not perfect. Motherhood is what God has given me to help me grow. I wouldn't trade it for the world, not even for an hour of silence.

For My Dad

Though our time was short
The benefit of your love 
I did reap

You built a foundation 
That made me strong
Your love runs deep

You showed me a home
Filled with love & joy
Your love runs deep

Now I am grown
With children of my own
Your love runs deep

They bounce & play
And I build away
Your love runs deep

Someday they too will be grown
With children of their own
Your love still runs deep

For this Mama's heart knows
That even when you're gone
Your love runs deep

My Blog?

I have grown up writing in a journal from the time I was 8. Fast forward 14 years and I still write in my journal, just not nearly as often. Somewhere between piles of laundry and messes spilled on the floor and children being cuddled my "writing" gets put on the back burner. But writing helps me stay calm, deal with disappointments, think through problems, and remember the good things. So, why not start a blog? My facebook posts just seem to be getting longer & longer, so here I can say what I want. If you want to know what's going on in my head here it is! And I will now get the joy of watching myself grow as a friend, mother, wife, person. It's my own little thought box!