Sunshine & Rainbows

I feel like our household has taken a dose of crazy. We are super busy with the holidays & Shane is crazy busy with his work, they're moving the yard to Marysville right smack in the middle of December! And here I am, in the middle of crazy. I am desperately trying to find normal. This year has been one change after another & I'm struggling to find my footing as we're closing out the year.

So here I am in my crazy world. The kids are amazing & beautiful, but as a group they are overwhelming. It's one of those things that I really know they are not the problem & it's just me, but they are so much easier to blame. I know what I need is time to myself, but the taking the time to myself still feels selfish because I know what everybody else is going through in their lives as well. I have days where I feel that I deserve time to myself & I have days where I feel like I don't deserve time to myself. And really what I mean by time to myself is time away from my lovely little children.

I think that's one of the biggest struggles of motherhood, figuring out how to take care of ourselves. It's easy to see that your husband needs you, that your children need you, but do you really need yourself? You do need yourself, because if you don't have you, what do you have? And motherhood is a constant giving up of who you are for the needs of those around you. You stick yourself on the back burner, or at least I do. And then you wake up a realize, "I'm tired. And I don't know what else I have to give?" The problem is that feeling doesn't go away. When you have that feeling you know you've put  yourself away for so long that now you have to work to find you in the midst of your life once again. And here I sit, finding myself.

I am tired. And I have nothing left to give. I am tired of being strong, of being happy. I am tired of being sunshine & rainbows. My sun is hiding behind a cloud so there is no rainbows in the rain, it's just plain old rain. And yet I don't know how to be who I am not. Because the truth is that I am sunshine & rainbows, I just don't feel like it. That means that I got a stupid cloud that I have to deal with. And so now I have to figure out how to take care of myself, while taking care of my family. And the problem with being a sunshine & rainbow person is that even when you're rainbows are crashing & your sunshine is gone, you're still seeing the stinking sunshine & rainbows!!! So nobody really know just how serious this problem is, unless they're a sunshine & rainbow person & quite frankly we're really rare!

So I am ranting, because this is after all, my blog. And I am fine, because I am a sunshine & rainbow girl. I am thankful that I will get my sunshine & rainbows back. I know what I need, it's just a matter of finding the time... If anything, I will have that time at the end of January, when I go to women's retreat. I know that I need a good amount of uninterrupted time with God. I also need a good amount of uninterrupted time with my man, Shane. Which I will get the beginning of January, when we celebrate our 7th anniversary. And so, in the meantime, I am going along, living the days that are given me, slowly working to get myself back together. It's been a year of joy, disappointment. loss & treasure found. The beauty of it is that God has brought us through & we are stronger than we were a year ago. Now I just gotta figure life out in our new life. And here God is faithful too. Today another preschool mommy asked me if I wanted to do a playdate sometime & gave me her number. And I'm going to get together with her & begin making friends in our new little community. So, I guess I am ok, because I know that sunshine & rainbows are just around the corner.