Deny Me Peace

The other Sunday one of the things that really stood out to me that our pastor said was how the Lord doesn't choose us for ease, he chooses us to use us. That our greatest joy may also be our greatest sorrow. Jesus birth was Mary's greatest joy, but 30 some years later she watched her son dying on a cross. Greatest joy, greatest sorrow. He also shared this quote with us, "may God deny you peace but give you glory." It's stuck with me. Being used by God isn't all joy & peace, there is heartbreak... Often I want to be used by God, but I want the peace, the joy, I don't think about the heartbreak, I don't want the heartbreak. I've been asking myself, do I really have the courage to face the heartbreak? Am I begging God to use me, but also holding myself back because I only want the good stuff?

I know that that is not what God has called me to do. He hasn't chosen me to experience joy without heartbreak. If I am experiencing joy then I am really feeling and you cannot feel joy and think you will never feel sorrow. And trust me, I have felt sorrow, and joy as well. But to ask to feel joy with the complete knowledge that you will feel sorrow too... Then the joy carries you through the sorrow, so sorrow isn't all bad, it's a time to remember the joy that he has given you. I realized you are probably not following my thinking, so let me see if I can put this together.

I am asking God to use me. In asking him to use me I am saying this knowing that the very thing that brings me joy may also bring me sorrow. I know that whatever sorrow I face He will carry me through, because the joy of the Lord is my strength. There are days where I repeat that over & over all day, believing that if I say it enough I will believe it & know it. So I guess I am saying that I think I am able to honestly pray, "Lord, deny me peace but give me glory, that I may honor you. That your presence will be with me always, so when I face sorrow I will know that you are with me. Give me courage to daily surrender my life to your will."

I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I want to be a mother that loves her children & passes on her love for the Lord. I want to be a wife who loves, supports & encourages her husband. I hope that people will see me & see a woman that loves the Lord. I also struggle with how exactly to share what he is doing in my life. I struggle with where the line is, when you're pushing people away rather than drawing them to Him. I try to let my actions & my life speak for itself, but then at times I look at my life & think it's a rather poor example of a Christian walk. And so I am human. And I am trying to honor God with my life and I fail and I succeed. And I will keep trying to be that woman that serves the Lord, who leaves a legacy of grace & whose family loves & serves the Lord. Deny me peace if it means that it brings you glory, Lord. Give me the strength to honor you no matter the circumstance.