Beautiful Life

She doesn't have a sister. She is my youngest child, only 2 1/2 years old. And yet she knows how to take care of a baby... She feeds them, reads to them, cuddles them, puts them to sleep and even changes their diapers. She is darling, cute and so 100% girl! She is also one tough cookie. She loves wrestling with her brothers and has no problem stating her opinion despite her limited vocabulary! She is a wonder to watch and challenges me to look at myself all the more, because I am after all the one who has the pleasure of teaching her what it means to be a woman.

Mr. D is the most creative boy I have ever met. He is always building or crafting something. I think he would be the happiest guy in the world if I had somewhere that was his very own space where he had access to all kinds of tapes, scissors, paper, staplers and writing tools. I would love to crawl inside his brain to where he comes up with all these endless ideas. He can be very focused, when he's working on something you might as well be on the other side of the world!
Then there is my four year old treasure. He has the sweetest little heart you will ever see. He is fierce, he feels things deeply, and is very observant. I long ago dubbed him my warrior, nothing will get in this boys way. He has the greatest snuggles and the cutest pair of dimples I have ever seen. He explores life with an excitement that is contagious and a sparkle that brings joy to my soul. You never know what you're going to get with this little follower and leader wrapped all up in one package, he moves to the beat of his own drum!

These are my treasures. These are my children. Peace has been reigning in our home this afternoon and all I want to do is watch my children play. They are content in their chosen activities and as I look at them I feel my heart overflow. When my daughter was born, my oldest was two weeks away from his third birthday. There are so many joys in having children close in age. I remember the first time I reveled in the joy of their closeness of age. My little Miss must have been about a year old and all three of them were playing ring-around-the-rosey and genuinely enjoying themselves. They travel through life together, opening and closing each stage together, experiencing life to it's fullest with a built in best friend.

These little people are amazing. Watching them explore and grow up is a gift. They fill my heart with joy and anticipation. Each year just gets better, I am not sad to see another year or stage pass because where we are is always the best. I love the stage they're in, then I love the next stage even more!!! Life with children is like walking through a masterpiece, and just when you think it couldn't get any better, it does. Sure in the midst of that you have many trials, there are times when I'm just plain burnt out, but sure enough it passes. Just as an author experience writers block, so we have blocks in our life where maybe life doesn't look so amazing, but in those moments all you can do is look back and see the beauty that you've experienced and know that that beauty is present even still. After all, sunrise comes after a dark night and there is no denying the beauty of the sun coming over the mountains, drenching the valleys in rays of beauty. That is what life is, beautiful... While I wrote this all I could think about was a song that I loved when I was a kid...

Thankfulness, Grace & Love

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

I want my children to be thankful people. I try throughout the year to instill thankfulness in them, I want their praises and thanks to be as normal as breathing... I want them to know that we serve a God who loves us and provides for us. I also want them to see how God provides through people and be grateful to the people who take care of us. 

One of their greatest examples of God's provision is their daddy. My husband goes to work 5 days a week to provide for our family, I stay home and take care of the children. And I am blessed at how appropriate this example of provision through a father is, because it is ultimately our Father God providing for us. Dominic's eyes have began to be opened this year to what a privilege it is to have a parent at home with you. The reason I can be home is because I have a husband who supports that lifestyle for our family, we make a lot of sacrifices to keep me home, but to our family they are more than worth it. 

The privileges of a stay at home mom have been reinforced ever more to me this year with Dominic now in kindergarten. Because I am home with our children and we have a supportive extended family around us, I am available to volunteer in Dominic's classroom once a week, sometimes more if there's something special going on. I remember my first day volunteering, all the kids were so excited to see me, but there were also quite a few that were sad their mothers weren't there, and I was reminded what a privilege it is to have the ability to be there. Once a week I get not just my kids hugs, but a big handful of extras as kids are going out to recess, kids I hardly know that just love having a parent around. I get to help them learn their letters, play games and support their teacher in any way I'm needed and I love it. 

I am so thankful that when I was 19 I met a young man who had the same vision for life that I had. I am thankful that that amazing man fell in love with me, because I feel head over heels for him! I am also so thankful that today we love each other millions of times more than we did when we first got together. It is a privilege to be married and in love with such a solid man of character. It is a blessing to grow up with this man, since we've both done a lot of growing up since we first met and I know we still have a lot of growing up to do! And the only one who I can truly thank for this amazing man is God. I have seen his hand on us all through our lives, even before we knew each other he was there. Growing us into people who were ready to someday meet, fall in love, get married and raise a family together.

My greatest desire is that as my children grow up they too can look at their lives and say, "I can see how God's hand was on me, throughout my childhood and adulthood as well." My job is to teach them how to see that hand, to know the love of the God behind that hand and most importantly have a relationship with the God who created them into such amazing individual people. Recognizing the things God has given you is a good start for little people, they can easily see a new pair of jammies and know it is a gift that they didn't earn. We are God's hands to our children, the practical first step, the ones who have the great privilege and responsibility to point them to their savior.

Just like Shane and I had a lot of growing up to do when we first met, and still do, we have a lot of growing up to do as parents, so much to still learn. Every day is a new challenge or season, a new page in our parenting adventure. We are constantly adjusting and figuring out how to encourage our children in the right direction, to teach them about God and life. And thankfully God is full of grace and he has graciously placed much of that same grace in our children, because we are far from perfect parents. Yet in all our mistakes our children still love us and so does God!

I think it all boils down to the privilege of grace. Grace that we did not earn, that God gave so freely to us. I think this is the year of grace for me, because it is what I keep having brought back to my face. Our God is a gracious God. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, he covers us with his grace, wipes away our imperfection. He loves us so fully and completely. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Eph. 2:8

When I look at my life all I can see is God's grace covering it. When I look at every detail I see it all lead back to his loving faithfulness, his provision, his grace. All I can see is how much he loves me and it brings me to my knees in thankfulness. Because he sees my inmost thoughts, knows me in and out and still loves me with the same all encompassing love. All I can hear is this song going through my head over and over, "Oh, how He loves us!!!" And to know my finite brain cannot even begin to encompass the full force of his love for me.

Parenting

As a parent you're always trying to figure out what works. I would say that our ultimate goal is to raise responsible God fearing people... But what a task. Where do I even start, I mean, obviously I started this task over 5 years ago when my oldest child was born... But I am like every other parent, wondering if I'm doing it right, if I'm going to forever scar my children with my selfish human ways. And to be completely honest, I probably will or have. Because that is after all what I am, human...

The very thing that I am breaks my heart. To know that I have the ability to raise up or push down my children, or anybody for that matter. The weight of that responsibility brings me to my knees. Parenthood opens your eyes all the more to just who and what you are. It challenges me to know my God better because only in his strength can I hope to raise my children up into the men & woman they were designed to be.

My prayer is that as they watch me they will also learn through me. I pray that they will see me struggle, but then see how God brings me through. That they will see me as I grow into a woman of character, because that is what I desire to be. And I pray that they will see me fall, so that they can see the grace that my father in heaven pours out over me. His grace drenches my being, and I hope that I can learn to let that grace overflow into every area of my life. But I have a long ways to go.

As I go along in this motherhood journey I am constantly trying to readjust, to determine what is best. To figure out how to reach and teach my children. There is no road map to motherhood. There is no right or wrong way, the map has to be tailored to each individual child.

What amazes me is that there are so many people in the world and yet no one is alike, down to our smallest details. You will never know another Dominic, Gabriel or Abigail children of Shane and Courtney. They are their very own unique God printed people. And they are as unique as they come, they think differently from all of you, they have different dreams and ideas, and they react differently to a situation than you or I. It's my job as a mother to figure that out. To know them, to help guide them into the amazing people that only they can be. And what is so crazy is that I don't even know what that's going to look like, only God knows.

I know God has entrusted these three children into my care. I know that he sees something in me that my children need that only I can give them. I know he will help me every step of the way, but I still get hung up on the responsibility. But I refuse to parent my children in fear. I know that God has amazing plans for my children, that he will do his work through them. I know that my children will face many hard, immoral situations and I believe that they will overcome them in God's strength. I also know that they will fall, but we will be there to raise them up. Because we serve a God who showers us in grace, and his grace is enough.

Who I am in Christ

Choose one verse that describes who I am in Christ... Wow! That was our challenge for bible study this week. One verse... The bible is one big book written to me. So many verses run through my head, how can I choose just one. So, I will try...

"that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:12

Who I am is who God made me to be. He made me to praise him, he made me to tell the world of his love and he made me to give him thanks. That is who I am. Do I always live up to who I was made to be? No, indeed I fail often...

"O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit." 
Psalm 30:3

But why do I know, that although I fail more often than I succeed, he still made me for this purpose of praise. That he still loves me and accepts me in all my fault?

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed", says the Lord who has compassion on you." 
Isaiah 54:10

God's word is real, it's alive. He has a purpose for me... If all I ever accomplish in this life is that I have shouted from a mountain that God loves me and you then my purpose if fulfilled. I am here to praise him, to show people that his love is real. I am here also to be a testimony that God loves you even when you fail. He doesn't ask for perfection, because he is our perfection. We are made perfect in him alone.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I (Paul or us) will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

A Glimpse at a Stay at Home Mom

The is no higher calling than a life of service. What do I do for a living? I am a stay at home mom. I am in the service industry, my customer base just happens to be smaller than the rest of the world. My job is 24/7, but it has the greatest perks, I do after all get to be my own boss.

I don't know if you've ever owned a business or intimately known somebody who does. When I was in high school my parents bought a business. Our dinner time conversations centered around the business, everything revolved around it. We couldn't get away from it, it followed us on vacations, and I know even when my parents weren't talking about it (which wasn't often) it was still in the back of their minds.

Being a stay at home mom is kind of like a business. Except we're not dealing with solely money, we are dealing with the very shaping of people. We are raising the next generation, we are raising the politicians, doctors, business men, works, designers, developers... When we look at our children we are overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising this little person with their own minds & ideas into a person who will positively affect the world. Who will be a leader, a team player, independent, honest people of integrity. You thought your job description was heavy, I could screw up the world!!! I bet you never considered that possibility!

So, what does a stay at home mom do? Well, today I woke up at 7:30, not early for many of you, if you're my husband that's actually sleeping in! I took a shower, because I like to smell nice for my man, he's a huge part of my customer base! Followed by telling my munchkins to get dressed. Two of them listen, but of course not the one who has school today! So I get the kids their cereal, while they eat I pack my son's lunch. Then I draw a picture for inside his lunch, I am no artist, but the first day I packed his lunch I realized the boy can't read, and therefore our notes gotta be a little more creative. Today it's his favorite, a picture of my heart with him & me inside it. It was going to be just him, but he wanted me to add myself.

So I get the boy dressed and look at the clock, thinking we're doing alright. "Yes, you can finish your castle." Get the kids into the car. My daughter in the typical two year old fashion has to do everything herself. Oh, no we're going to be late. We get to school, I'm praying that today there will be no tears. I remind my son that daddy will take him on a really long bike ride if he doesn't cry. He still doesn't want to go to school, but decides to go since he can't stand the thought of daddy taking his brother & not him. (don't worry, he was going to school even if he didn't want to, it's non negotiable.) We're half way to his classroom and the bell rings, we're late, thanks to miss independent. Guess I need to give us more time to get here, note to self. We get to my son's classroom, he stand in the door with a frown face, but doesn't cry... I walk away, he comes back out, "Mama, Mrs. Grafenauer isn't there." Great, the first day he's going to go into his classroom without crying his teacher isn't here & there's a sub. I walk him back in & his little friend tells us the teacher is stuck in a meeting, since that's acceptable to Dominic he stays in his class, although the last thing I saw was his frown face. But it's ok because I know he's going to have fun. I'm actually elated, no tears, no peeling a kid off me & running for the door. We did it!!!

That's just the first hour of day... Within that short description I left out the sibling fighting, the trying to find shoes, the little girl that didn't make it to the bathroom in time & peed on the floor. There is the list in my head of a million things that I need to get done before the end of the day & the reality that of that list I'll probably only get a handful done. Then there is the constant questioning & evaluating. How do I handle sibling rivalry? This worked yesterday, but not today. Why is so & so whining? Am I even any good at this parenting thing? Raising children is scarey. You will never question yourself so often and yet be so sure that  you're doing the right thing. Because you're constantly wanting to do it better, to be a better mother, wife, friend. Nothing will grow you or stretch you as much as motherhood. I've only been doing it for just over five and a half years and I know I have so much more to learn, so many more questions & trials to face.

When I became a mother I thought I knew everything. I thought I was going to have the perfect little kids. I had a list of all those things that my kids will never! Oh, sister, eat your words!!! Motherhood will humble you like nothing else! And it's so beautiful & ugly all at once. You will wake up and think one minute you're a awesome mother, then next you're the worst mother & person in the world! It's a roller coaster full of ups & downs, turns & swirls, dives & climbs.

Motherhood is all consuming, like a business. You have to figure out how to maintain who you are outside this all consuming pleasure. You have to remember that you have a name other than "Mama." It's a constant battle to balance who you are with what you do. You are not your children, your identity cannot be in them. But motherhood is the best business in the world. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I am blessed to get the walk this tight rope, because it has made me a better person. It has blessed my life with more love & satisfaction than I could have ever dreamed of. And I am so thankful to my husband for making this family one that is to be envied, because no home could be full of more love, support & joy... Although I would love a little order of peace & quiet on the side, but that will come someday, little people just weren't made for silence!

To My Son

My Dearest Dominic,

Today we sent you off to your first day of kindergarten. Daddy came home to drive in with us & everything. We are so excited for you, so happy to see your school adventures begin. We are excited for all the new things you will learn, the amazing things you will discover in this huge world. You told me the other day that you wanted to read, and that is one of the many things you will be learning! When I met your teacher, Mrs. Grafenhauer, for the first time I liked her instantly. You liked her as well, you laughed over your time when you were doing your testing & had no problem asking her all your questions. I know you are in good hands, today as I write this letter to you.

Today when we left for school you were very excited for your first day, you had woken up at 6am!!! As you stood in line I was proud of my little man, so big & responsible, waiting patiently to go inside. My baby is growing up. I was not worried about sending you off. I was not sad. This is after all how life progresses, and I know you are ready for this next step, this new season in your life. We have fully enjoyed our time together at home before these school years & it's so exciting as your Mama to see the person you are growing into. It is a privilege to have the front row seat in your life, watching every milestone, every smile & wiping away every tear. You are an amazing little boy, so full of joy, hope & promise. 

It wasn't until Mrs. Grafenhauer told the class to blow kisses to your parents that I we were going to have a hard time. You hid your face in your coat & frowned, you wouldn't look up. As the line started to move you were rooted in your spot and you began to cry. I came to you, to give one last hug, praying you could get through this. I walked you to the gate, and you were not going to go in. I am fighting tears, trying so hard to be strong for you, I know my tears have to wait. I give you a hug, say goodbye & a little nudge into the gate. The gate closes & the last thing I see is you gripping it, crying. I ran around the corner, I can still hear you, but now you can't see me... I know it is best this way. 

I know that this is best for you. I know you are ready, I don't doubt it for a minute. As I said before I'm not sad, I know this is life, I know you will do great. But I am sad that you are crying. I am sad that your I cannot comfort you, even when I know it's for the best. Today, my little love, we are growing up just a little more. Because everyday we have together is another day that we are teaching you how to be your own person, how to be responsible, how to grow up. Sometimes these lessons are hard. And when they are hard for you, know that they are even harder for me, because I love you more than life itself. You and your brother & sister & daddy are my world, my heart beats to love you. I wake every morning to be the best mama I can be for you. Yes, little love, these lessons are hard for us. 

So, today we had a rough start. But I know that when I pick you up today you will have such amazing stories to tell me. I know you will have had fun & will have already started falling in love with your teacher. I know you will do great, because you are a great kid. I know today was a rough start, but tomorrow will be easier, and before we know it you will be running to class not bothering to look over your shoulder. You will love school, I don't doubt it for a minute. I know that today was hard, but it was time. And I know that you are ready. You just didn't know in your heart today, but tomorrow you will. I love you, Mr D.

Love Always,
Mama

Privlege of Family

Family... What a privilege to be part of one! Last night my family had the pleasure of coming together to celebrate the marriage of one of my cousins! Let me tell you about my family... They are amazing! They are smart, loving, successful people. And we are a big family, sometimes I can't even keep track of everybody!

I grew up going to all the family functions, the Christmas party always stands out in my mind the most. I remember anxiously waiting through the long car ride out to my uncle's farm. I remember on the day figuring out the best way to get out there, seems the roads were always flooding, I used to wish the roads would flood after we got there so we had to stay overnight.

Then once we were there I would follow my mom around, visiting with all the aunts & uncles. I am the youngest cousin, I think there is 19 of us, I could be totally wrong... Because being the youngest cousin, I actually was the same age as my oldest cousin's kids! I remember they used to set out two rows of big folding tables with chairs all around. Wherever we were the uncle hosting would pray for our family & without fail they would cry as the blessings of a close family are realized once again. I guess crying runs in the family!

I always admired my cousins. They were smart, funny & beautiful, still are! They are strong, they love their families & are some of the most amazing people I know.

Now that we're all grown our family gatherings are a little smaller, but no less special. But I think what made my cousins wedding reception so great last night was that it was once again the whole family coming together. There were some missing, but it felt that we were closer to what we used to be. I still look forward to the Schoenmaker family Christmas party every year. Now it's my children running through the house, probably in another few years it will be my daughter begging to go out and see the horse!

Whenever we faced anything in life we never had to face it alone. I remember so many times when my mom's brothers & sisters came beside her & helped her when times were tough. I also remember many summer bbq's, camping trips, holiday celebrations. I remember my grandpa at Christmas, always so happy to see us, and the political debates that would take place... I do have to admit the desire to debate politics totally skipped over me! But oh, I remember... But the thing that stands out most to me is a love for our family.

Though our family is more spread apart now than it was when I was growing up, the bond is still there. When we come together the time flies by, the years slip away and we are family. A family that is there for each other, prays for each other & loves each other. And we defiantly know how to have a good time!