What Thoughts Keep Me Up at Night

Life beings in your mother's womb.  God made women  to bare children.  He made our bodies to stretch and grow with life.  Then he made our bodies to sustain that life.  But as natural as nursing is it was not so with my first child.  I had to figure out what I was doing and he had to figure out what he was doing.  Then with my second two it was as natural as breathing.  I cherished the midnight hours, sitting in my children's room, sustaining and filling them in a way that only I could.  Breast milk is not just milk, it's perfectly tailored to your child, their exact age and their exact needs.  Women are amazing.  What is even more amazing is how having children and breastfeeding actually improves a woman's long term health.

I'm not really sure why I'm sitting here talking about breastfeeding and women's bodies...  I just couldn't sleep tonight and was reflective.  Then I got to thinking about what life was like a few years ago and what it will be like a few years from now.  Reflective... 

I loved those quiet midnight hours.  Sure I was tired, but my kids slept through the night really early, so they were a short time for me.  I remember snuggling them to my breast thinking how this could be our last midnight rendezvous.  Now my only midnight rendezvous are with myself and not being able to sleep, or the occasional sickie, or the dreaded long dream (aka "I peed my bed").  Now I peek in on sleeping children and pray in the midnight hours and wonder why I cannot sleep.  

Children changed my body habits.  Before I had children I never woke up in the middle of the night, not even to go to the bathroom.  I slept hard, didn't hear a thing...  Now I hear everything, I sleep so light that sometimes I wonder if I've slept at all!!!  Well, I do know I've slept, but still!!! 

I think of the stages that I've left behind and they are a bittersweet time...  I would not want to go back, I'm just not wired that way.  And I love every new stage more than the last.  I'm not kidding, I am so serious.  I love watching my kids grow up, I love their personalities and the things they say.  I love the school years! In fact, when I thought about having kids, this is what I thought about, the school years.  They are so fun and learning new things all the time.  I like to revisit where we have been in pictures, but no, I don't want to go back.  Life was meant for living, moving forward, growing older and wiser.  

I have seen life and death in my life.  I have seen success and failure.  I have seen love and hatred.  I have laughed and cried.  I have seen good and evil.  I do not always fully understand the details of what I've seen.  I cannot answer the questions that come with all this heartbreak in the world.  I cannot tell you why an evil man has plenty and a godly man nothing.  I cannot tell you what bends a man to violence.  I cannot answer your, "why me?".   My only answer is why not you?  We were not made for this world.  And we cannot comprehend the world that we were made for with our finite human brains.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.  And now that I have written these ones down I'm sure that many more will flood my mind as I try once again to go to sleep.