This world I have entered into is nothing as I ever dreamed it would be. I cannot even tell you quite where I am. I can try to share, to help you see, but I do not even know if I can wrap my whole mind around it.
This has been a year I could never be prepared for. Dominic is in first grade and he is a very smart boy. We all think our kids are smart and I don't say this to brag because what I'm really doing is pointing out one of his strengths. He has an amazing mind. But with this amazing mind we are beginning to wonder if there is something else happening within his body. You see, Dominic has been struggling with appropriate behavior at school, much of which I think is related to sensory. In complete honesty, we have been on a path of beginning to delve into the world of diagnoses and evaluations... And let me tell you, this is not an easy place to be, it seems like nobody knows what they're doing or looking for or even what the next step is. Because if Dominic does have something "out of the ordinary" going on, he does not fit in a pretty little box called blank. What I am coming to realize is that probably most do not fit in that pretty little box.
So as a mother with no idea what I am doing, I am beginning to fight. I am beginning to accept that we may need some help. And I am sadly beginning to see that this help is not going to be something that is just handed to me. No, I am once again pulling on my advocating boots and trying to figure out just what I need to do. I will fumble my way through this process, walk blindly, and hopefully come out with a better idea of who my son is and what he needs to thrive in the environments he is placed.
I have my suspicions of what we may be dealing with. I have heard his teachers polite suggestions. We have been working endlessly with him. And I am exhausted. Exhausted because I do not think we will come to an answer that quick. This is going to be a process. I would just like the answers given to me, so we can then know how to proceed. With different possibilities come different toolboxes. One door opens another, which opens another. Unfortunately you cannot open many of these doors without something official, or so it seems. This weekend I was talking to a beloved friend that has gone down a similar road and is further along. She was able to give me a little more direction and help. I have found something that I can do right now, by right now I mean make some calls and probably get put on another waiting list, but probably not one so long.
Dominic is a very smart little boy. He has so many strengths. He is one of the most creative people I have ever met. He has a sweet beautiful heart that genuinely loves people. He is a wonderful friend and a polite boy. His teachers love him, they see the good in him, they do not let his struggles define him. For that I am so very thankful, because I'm beginning to think that that is not the normal response. I could go on and on about how much I love my boy, but that's not really what you need or want to see.
Through this motherhood journey I have been challenged from the day I became pregnant. I have grown and matured and been rewarded in so many ways. I have learned so much from watching my children and the experiences we have gone through have molded and shaped me. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be last year, helping in the kindergarten classroom, because I was loving on children that so desperately need love. That mission field has not changed, but my heart has grown. I see the kids struggling with appropriate behavior and I fall in love with them. I know that I can come beside them and help them to make some better choices. I know that I can invite them to sit with me and we can make it through the most challenging parts of the day (carpet time) with no issues. I have learned that scratching a child's back is like magic. And I have a kid that sees me sitting with him at lunch as a reward, who in fact asked today if he could sit by me. And my heart breaks, it grows and it overflows with love. These kids who sometimes struggle with appropriate behavior have the most beautiful hearts, with some you have to look a little deeper than others. But I know, once again, that I am where I am supposed to be when a little boy asks to sit with me a lunch and another gives me little notes and tells me that he loves me. Yeah, not kidding... Having a heart that loves makes a huge difference and I am so thankful for my children building in me a heart that loves, even those that some might think are unlovable.
So, while I may be exhausted and uncertain of what exactly we are dealing with on a personal level, I see growth in me. I know that growth in me will pass to my children. I know that even when it feels like I'm all alone that God sees me. He knows me and he knows my child, intimately. I know that when I am empty he will fill me up. And I will write. I will write because it helps me process. I will write because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I will write because I know that the people who love me will see my heart and understand when I may not make sense. And the people that want to judge me or my children are not worth my time, it may sound harsh, but it's the truth. I will forever stand by my child and whatever he faces and proclaim to the world that he is amazing and I love him.
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