I Am A Wife

I love and cherish my role as wife.  I believe that as wives we are called to love our husbands, and that that love should be second only to our love for God.  I play an important role in my husbands life.  I am his friend, his playmate, his encourager, his helper, his lover...  The list could go on, but what you need to know is that this is a blessed role and influential role.  

Your relationship with your husband is the most intimate relationship you have.  It needs to be a safe place for both of you to grow, to change, to hide away from the world.  Nobody else in the world has the power to build me up as much as my husband, and nobody else has the power to rip me to little shreds.  In turn I have that same influence.  I chose to share my most intimate self with him because I love and trust and respect him and know that he will not harm me with my vulnerability.

I choose to serve my husband however I can.  I'm not talking slave, seriously, do you know me!!!  But I do choose to try to put his needs above my own.  I make this choice out of the love in my heart & desire to please him.  I obviously fail often at this too, because I am selfish human being, but this is what I try to focus on.

In the bible women are called to respect their husbands, but likewise husbands are called to love their wives.  We had a discussion once where I asked him, "they say that men crave respect & women love.  What do you think of this?  Do you crave respect more than love?"  Shane replied that the two are mutually entangled.  That if you love someone you will respect them.  They are not two separate things, they are in fact two complimenting things.  If you truly have one than you will have the other as well.  Obviously, I am no expert, but this is our experience and it rings true.

I strive to make our home a place of retreat, comfort and love.  Notice as much as I would like to say quiet & peace I have found I cannot daily achieve this with 3 silly kids!!!  But a safe place to come home, and know that however crappy your day was that you are appreciated, loved and believed in, I can do that.  I chose this man for that very reason, he is the best for me, and I want him to know that our home is a shelter from the world, not just for him, but for our children and myself as well.  It is not a place to attack each other, it's not a place where we are told we are not good enough, it is a place of love, acceptance and laughter.

We extend each other grace.  I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I don't get everything I set out to do done.  I forget things, sometimes important things, like milk!!!  But in all my mistakes, disappointments and times of pure ugliness I have never been made to feel less than.  My husband has easily extended me the grace that I need so very much and I try so hard to extend that same grace back to him.  We are in this marriage together, we love each other deeply and are wholly invested in a beautiful future together.  There is no other choice for us, our lives were meant to be lived together, we were destined to grow up together and God put us together to challenge, mature and love each other and those around us.  In all our human imperfection!!! 

What Thoughts Keep Me Up at Night

Life beings in your mother's womb.  God made women  to bare children.  He made our bodies to stretch and grow with life.  Then he made our bodies to sustain that life.  But as natural as nursing is it was not so with my first child.  I had to figure out what I was doing and he had to figure out what he was doing.  Then with my second two it was as natural as breathing.  I cherished the midnight hours, sitting in my children's room, sustaining and filling them in a way that only I could.  Breast milk is not just milk, it's perfectly tailored to your child, their exact age and their exact needs.  Women are amazing.  What is even more amazing is how having children and breastfeeding actually improves a woman's long term health.

I'm not really sure why I'm sitting here talking about breastfeeding and women's bodies...  I just couldn't sleep tonight and was reflective.  Then I got to thinking about what life was like a few years ago and what it will be like a few years from now.  Reflective... 

I loved those quiet midnight hours.  Sure I was tired, but my kids slept through the night really early, so they were a short time for me.  I remember snuggling them to my breast thinking how this could be our last midnight rendezvous.  Now my only midnight rendezvous are with myself and not being able to sleep, or the occasional sickie, or the dreaded long dream (aka "I peed my bed").  Now I peek in on sleeping children and pray in the midnight hours and wonder why I cannot sleep.  

Children changed my body habits.  Before I had children I never woke up in the middle of the night, not even to go to the bathroom.  I slept hard, didn't hear a thing...  Now I hear everything, I sleep so light that sometimes I wonder if I've slept at all!!!  Well, I do know I've slept, but still!!! 

I think of the stages that I've left behind and they are a bittersweet time...  I would not want to go back, I'm just not wired that way.  And I love every new stage more than the last.  I'm not kidding, I am so serious.  I love watching my kids grow up, I love their personalities and the things they say.  I love the school years! In fact, when I thought about having kids, this is what I thought about, the school years.  They are so fun and learning new things all the time.  I like to revisit where we have been in pictures, but no, I don't want to go back.  Life was meant for living, moving forward, growing older and wiser.  

I have seen life and death in my life.  I have seen success and failure.  I have seen love and hatred.  I have laughed and cried.  I have seen good and evil.  I do not always fully understand the details of what I've seen.  I cannot answer the questions that come with all this heartbreak in the world.  I cannot tell you why an evil man has plenty and a godly man nothing.  I cannot tell you what bends a man to violence.  I cannot answer your, "why me?".   My only answer is why not you?  We were not made for this world.  And we cannot comprehend the world that we were made for with our finite human brains.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.  And now that I have written these ones down I'm sure that many more will flood my mind as I try once again to go to sleep.     

 

Where I Belong

My sons favorite song right now is "Where I Belong". One of his first favorite songs was "I Can Only Imagine". He also has had pop favorites too, don't get me wrong. But those two are the ones that have stuck, he wants to talk about, asks questions about. It made me think tonight, as I'm trying to fall asleep, how we are such spiritual beings. We are born with the innate desire for something more, the knowledge that there is more for us out there. And we are born to worship. You don't have to teach a child how to be joyful, how to smile, how to dance. They just know, they come by it naturally.

Why should this be so surprising to me as I'm laying there in bed. I'm not surprised really, just thoughtful. We are after all made in the image of God. Is it surprising that we desire to know our maker as a child desires to know their parents? Does he not call himself our Father?

Yet, it still amazes me to watch my children. To see the innocence we are born with, our natural pull toward the spiritual. The world so pulls us in the opposite direction and it happens so young and so gradually that one day we are an adult amazed at the depth & understanding a child can have of spiritual things. But really we should be shocked at our own understanding of life, the world... We were after all not made to be like the world, we were set apart, in God's image.

Isn't that why sometimes we struggle as adults? We feel we do not fit or we can be lonely, we desire more. Often we misinterpret what that desire is, we think we're missing something here, but really we're missing that spiritual link. We are needing more, what we don't know, until we remember that we are indeed spiritual beings. We don't belong here, we were made for another world, we were made to commune with our maker, father, savior, friend. Adam and Eve walked with God, literally. Yeah, something is missing. Take this world, give me Jesus, nothing else satisfies this void in me. 

Strength in Tragedy

“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

It is amazing the perspective you have on life once you've grown up a little and had children. It is amazing how differently you see the world. Childhood is bliss. I think of this as I think of my mother. My mama was a fighter, but I had no clue. She made it look pretty effortless, although I know at times it had to be pure agony.

As a kid I remember very little of before my dad died. What I do remember and the pictures I see I treasure, note to self take more pictures of kids with parents. Sometimes to be honest I'm not sure if I remember something because I saw it in a picture or because I actually remember it without the picture. I remember camping and I remember cuddling, but I'm not going to delve much more into that right now. I sometimes almost think I remember more of my dad dying than I do of him living, a sad thought, but it is I guess my reality. I remember my mom and dad being at the hospital a lot, visiting my dad there, eating Kidd Valley, spending the night at my teacher's house a lot, my teacher had girls my age and we were good friends. I remember praying and asking God to heal my dad, bargaining, and begging for him to let me take his place, because I didn't want to have to live without my dad. At the time I didn't even fully know what life without my dad would really mean, what he would miss, those are things that you discover as your get older, you don't think about them when you're eight. And my dad was determined to beat this cancer, he was not going to die.

And I think about what I remember as a kid, what must my mom remember as an adult? My mom is strong. She is a fighter. She kept our lives as normal as possible under the circumstances. I don't remember her crying, I mean I saw her crying, but never did I see her break or be out of control. And I can only imagine the agony that she was in. She was losing her best friend, the love of her life, the father of her children. There are no words.

I think of the families in Connecticut... The tragedy in this world... No parent should ever go before their child. You birth this amazing life, you look forward to their future, you make sure you're sending them to a good school, you're preparing for Christmas, you pack their lunch with a little note, kiss them goodbye, maybe you're even going to be coming in for a class Christmas party later that afternoon and you get a phone call. And agony. Your breath is painful and you want to die. Kids... Not meant to go before their parents.

I think about another school shooting, that happened when I was just in junior high. Columbine... Sitting in class watching the horror unfold, I am so thankful my children will not know about today until they are older. Junior high, I was old enough. I'm sure as my mom was watching that tragedy unfold she probably felt similarly to what I felt Friday. The overwhelming need to scoop my babies up and hug them, I don't think that feeling goes away as your children get older, my mama would probably still want to scoop me up. But you know what I remember, I didn't feel unsafe, my mom was calm and in control. She is a woman of strength. So I thought, as I'm fighting the urge to sweep babies up all over the world and especially mine, what do I want my children to remember on this day? Do I want this to be the day that fear is introduced into their lives, or will they too someday look back and go, "Mama, what must you have been thinking on Dec 14th?"

One thing my mama told me when Dominic was a baby, "They were God's before they were yours. You gotta hang onto that, because you cannot be watching every second of every day." And that is the truthiest truth you're ever hear. What will I tell my children? I will tell them I wanted nothing more to scoop them up and carry them off to a bubbles where they would never be hurt and know nothing but love and happiness. And then I will say, My heart is breaking for those families. The best we can do is pray for them & remember for ourselves that God knew the number of our days before we were born, he is the great comforter & protector. There are so many why's in life, that we will never know the answers to, but the alternative to trusting in God is living in fear & that is a choice we cannot afford to make. Not just because a life of fear is no life at all, but because our children look to us to see how we deal with traumatic things & I am not willing for them to live in fear, they need to know how big our God is, even when things cannot be explained. I knew even in that moment of time they were in the palm of God's hands & he could protect them better than I ever hoped & if the worst were to ever happen I know that God would carry me through, one agonizing breath at a time.

My mama is a fighter. And I am thankful that she was an example of faith and courage to me. It is as I get older that I see more of the attributes in my mother as the treasures that they are. And I hope that those treasures have been passed down to me. I know I want for my children to say, "thank you, for never backing down, never crippling under the weight of tragedy." Because this world is full of tragedy. But I think it's the tragedy in this world that makes us long even more for the beauty of heaven and comfort of our savior.

Beautiful Life

She doesn't have a sister. She is my youngest child, only 2 1/2 years old. And yet she knows how to take care of a baby... She feeds them, reads to them, cuddles them, puts them to sleep and even changes their diapers. She is darling, cute and so 100% girl! She is also one tough cookie. She loves wrestling with her brothers and has no problem stating her opinion despite her limited vocabulary! She is a wonder to watch and challenges me to look at myself all the more, because I am after all the one who has the pleasure of teaching her what it means to be a woman.

Mr. D is the most creative boy I have ever met. He is always building or crafting something. I think he would be the happiest guy in the world if I had somewhere that was his very own space where he had access to all kinds of tapes, scissors, paper, staplers and writing tools. I would love to crawl inside his brain to where he comes up with all these endless ideas. He can be very focused, when he's working on something you might as well be on the other side of the world!
Then there is my four year old treasure. He has the sweetest little heart you will ever see. He is fierce, he feels things deeply, and is very observant. I long ago dubbed him my warrior, nothing will get in this boys way. He has the greatest snuggles and the cutest pair of dimples I have ever seen. He explores life with an excitement that is contagious and a sparkle that brings joy to my soul. You never know what you're going to get with this little follower and leader wrapped all up in one package, he moves to the beat of his own drum!

These are my treasures. These are my children. Peace has been reigning in our home this afternoon and all I want to do is watch my children play. They are content in their chosen activities and as I look at them I feel my heart overflow. When my daughter was born, my oldest was two weeks away from his third birthday. There are so many joys in having children close in age. I remember the first time I reveled in the joy of their closeness of age. My little Miss must have been about a year old and all three of them were playing ring-around-the-rosey and genuinely enjoying themselves. They travel through life together, opening and closing each stage together, experiencing life to it's fullest with a built in best friend.

These little people are amazing. Watching them explore and grow up is a gift. They fill my heart with joy and anticipation. Each year just gets better, I am not sad to see another year or stage pass because where we are is always the best. I love the stage they're in, then I love the next stage even more!!! Life with children is like walking through a masterpiece, and just when you think it couldn't get any better, it does. Sure in the midst of that you have many trials, there are times when I'm just plain burnt out, but sure enough it passes. Just as an author experience writers block, so we have blocks in our life where maybe life doesn't look so amazing, but in those moments all you can do is look back and see the beauty that you've experienced and know that that beauty is present even still. After all, sunrise comes after a dark night and there is no denying the beauty of the sun coming over the mountains, drenching the valleys in rays of beauty. That is what life is, beautiful... While I wrote this all I could think about was a song that I loved when I was a kid...

Thankfulness, Grace & Love

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

I want my children to be thankful people. I try throughout the year to instill thankfulness in them, I want their praises and thanks to be as normal as breathing... I want them to know that we serve a God who loves us and provides for us. I also want them to see how God provides through people and be grateful to the people who take care of us. 

One of their greatest examples of God's provision is their daddy. My husband goes to work 5 days a week to provide for our family, I stay home and take care of the children. And I am blessed at how appropriate this example of provision through a father is, because it is ultimately our Father God providing for us. Dominic's eyes have began to be opened this year to what a privilege it is to have a parent at home with you. The reason I can be home is because I have a husband who supports that lifestyle for our family, we make a lot of sacrifices to keep me home, but to our family they are more than worth it. 

The privileges of a stay at home mom have been reinforced ever more to me this year with Dominic now in kindergarten. Because I am home with our children and we have a supportive extended family around us, I am available to volunteer in Dominic's classroom once a week, sometimes more if there's something special going on. I remember my first day volunteering, all the kids were so excited to see me, but there were also quite a few that were sad their mothers weren't there, and I was reminded what a privilege it is to have the ability to be there. Once a week I get not just my kids hugs, but a big handful of extras as kids are going out to recess, kids I hardly know that just love having a parent around. I get to help them learn their letters, play games and support their teacher in any way I'm needed and I love it. 

I am so thankful that when I was 19 I met a young man who had the same vision for life that I had. I am thankful that that amazing man fell in love with me, because I feel head over heels for him! I am also so thankful that today we love each other millions of times more than we did when we first got together. It is a privilege to be married and in love with such a solid man of character. It is a blessing to grow up with this man, since we've both done a lot of growing up since we first met and I know we still have a lot of growing up to do! And the only one who I can truly thank for this amazing man is God. I have seen his hand on us all through our lives, even before we knew each other he was there. Growing us into people who were ready to someday meet, fall in love, get married and raise a family together.

My greatest desire is that as my children grow up they too can look at their lives and say, "I can see how God's hand was on me, throughout my childhood and adulthood as well." My job is to teach them how to see that hand, to know the love of the God behind that hand and most importantly have a relationship with the God who created them into such amazing individual people. Recognizing the things God has given you is a good start for little people, they can easily see a new pair of jammies and know it is a gift that they didn't earn. We are God's hands to our children, the practical first step, the ones who have the great privilege and responsibility to point them to their savior.

Just like Shane and I had a lot of growing up to do when we first met, and still do, we have a lot of growing up to do as parents, so much to still learn. Every day is a new challenge or season, a new page in our parenting adventure. We are constantly adjusting and figuring out how to encourage our children in the right direction, to teach them about God and life. And thankfully God is full of grace and he has graciously placed much of that same grace in our children, because we are far from perfect parents. Yet in all our mistakes our children still love us and so does God!

I think it all boils down to the privilege of grace. Grace that we did not earn, that God gave so freely to us. I think this is the year of grace for me, because it is what I keep having brought back to my face. Our God is a gracious God. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, he covers us with his grace, wipes away our imperfection. He loves us so fully and completely. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Eph. 2:8

When I look at my life all I can see is God's grace covering it. When I look at every detail I see it all lead back to his loving faithfulness, his provision, his grace. All I can see is how much he loves me and it brings me to my knees in thankfulness. Because he sees my inmost thoughts, knows me in and out and still loves me with the same all encompassing love. All I can hear is this song going through my head over and over, "Oh, how He loves us!!!" And to know my finite brain cannot even begin to encompass the full force of his love for me.

Parenting

As a parent you're always trying to figure out what works. I would say that our ultimate goal is to raise responsible God fearing people... But what a task. Where do I even start, I mean, obviously I started this task over 5 years ago when my oldest child was born... But I am like every other parent, wondering if I'm doing it right, if I'm going to forever scar my children with my selfish human ways. And to be completely honest, I probably will or have. Because that is after all what I am, human...

The very thing that I am breaks my heart. To know that I have the ability to raise up or push down my children, or anybody for that matter. The weight of that responsibility brings me to my knees. Parenthood opens your eyes all the more to just who and what you are. It challenges me to know my God better because only in his strength can I hope to raise my children up into the men & woman they were designed to be.

My prayer is that as they watch me they will also learn through me. I pray that they will see me struggle, but then see how God brings me through. That they will see me as I grow into a woman of character, because that is what I desire to be. And I pray that they will see me fall, so that they can see the grace that my father in heaven pours out over me. His grace drenches my being, and I hope that I can learn to let that grace overflow into every area of my life. But I have a long ways to go.

As I go along in this motherhood journey I am constantly trying to readjust, to determine what is best. To figure out how to reach and teach my children. There is no road map to motherhood. There is no right or wrong way, the map has to be tailored to each individual child.

What amazes me is that there are so many people in the world and yet no one is alike, down to our smallest details. You will never know another Dominic, Gabriel or Abigail children of Shane and Courtney. They are their very own unique God printed people. And they are as unique as they come, they think differently from all of you, they have different dreams and ideas, and they react differently to a situation than you or I. It's my job as a mother to figure that out. To know them, to help guide them into the amazing people that only they can be. And what is so crazy is that I don't even know what that's going to look like, only God knows.

I know God has entrusted these three children into my care. I know that he sees something in me that my children need that only I can give them. I know he will help me every step of the way, but I still get hung up on the responsibility. But I refuse to parent my children in fear. I know that God has amazing plans for my children, that he will do his work through them. I know that my children will face many hard, immoral situations and I believe that they will overcome them in God's strength. I also know that they will fall, but we will be there to raise them up. Because we serve a God who showers us in grace, and his grace is enough.