Love School

It is hard to believe that we are already 2/3 of the way through the school year. It feels like just yesterday I peeled Dominic off me crying because he didn't want to go to school. He had to be physically helped into his class by his teacher. I remember peeling him off me and running around the corner to cry so he wouldn't see me. I wasn't crying because I was upset about him going to school, but I was crying because you can't see your kid upset and bawling and not join in... Isn't that a mother's job after all?

That first month felt like the longest month ever. Every day I took him to school it was the same thing, take him to class, teacher meets us at the door, he's crying, me peeling him off and leaving. I come to pick him up he runs gives me a great big hug and tells me how much fun he had a school. After about a month we were no longer having to be peeled off mama, but he still had a few tears. Then we stopped crying and mama had to watch him settle into class before she could leave. That lasted for a few weeks before we moved on. Now, we all pile out of the car and walk Dominic to class where he gives me a hug and a kiss and then I get to leave. We are happy. It was a process but we made it. I don't think he'll go skipping off to his class alone this year, maybe not even next year, but I am ok with that.

So here we are. 2/3 of the way through the school year. I have to honor of volunteering every Monday afternoon in his classroom. I have fallen in love with those little kindergarteners. I am always greeted with tons of hugs, I get to see what they are learning and help them and their teacher. I will always remember one day when we hadn't had school on a Monday, so I was coming in on Wednesday and when I dropped Dominic off his teacher asked me, "you're coming in today, right?" I answered that yes I was and she sighed and visibly was relieved that I was going to be back that afternoon. I love it. I love knowing the kids in my son's class, I love the funny things that they kids say. I am so proud of the improvement that I have seen in so many of them, just as proud as if they were my own kids. These little people are amazing and I pray that I am having as big of an impact on them as they are on me. I pray for them often and pray that they are loved at home and hope that if they aren't they at least know that they are loved by me, even if it is only once a week and when I see them dropping Dominic off in the morning or picking him up in the afternoon.

Silly Boys

My boys are just making me laugh today.  I feel like all I want to do is quote them for the rest of my life.  I looked at Dominic, who is 6, this afternoon and said that he was looking so grown up.  When I asked him why he looked so grown up he tells me, "I am. I'm 6!" Then I asked him if he was an adult and he said, "no, not until I'm like 50." I then asked him if he was going to live with me forever and he gives me the of course silly mother look and raised his arms up while shrugging his shoulder and said, "Yeah, mom, I'm going to marry you." It was such a matter of fact how could I think of anything other than that statement, sigh. I love that boy.

I am treasuring his boyhood. I was talking with a friend just this morning about how quickly they grow up and yet how happy I am that so far my boys seem to be taking their time. We don't have girlfriends or crushes, which some have started to develop, so young! My boys still think girls are great playmates, that they are great friends and I wonder if they would even realize if a girl had a crush on them.

One day a few months after kindergarten started I came in on a Monday afternoon to volunteer in Dominic's classroom. I was greeted with my usual hugs and then one of the little girls whispered in my ear that Kaiya likes Dominic, she called him her hero. Dominic & Kaiya were on the same team in PE and apparently he had caught a ball that was going to hit her, hence his temporary hero status. Of course when I asked him about it later he told me the story as he tells all other stories, no big deal, I caught the ball, she called me her hero, nothing out of the ordinary, just helping out a teammate.

I realize that some day he won't want to marry his mother anymore. He will think a little girl is cute and eventually fall in love and get married. I don't know how much longer I will hold honor of being the woman that he wants to marry, I have a feeling that this will pass before I blink. I can model for him the kind of woman I want him to marry, he can look to his daddy for the kind of man we desire for him to be and I do believe that he will astound us still with what an amazing man he someday becomes, because he has amazed us from the first day he was born, all our children have.

Dominic started the day off rough, he got into some things he shouldn't have gotten into this morning before I came downstairs. He spent a little time in his room and got talked to by his mama. This evening before going to bed we were all cuddling and talking about our day. He informed me, "I had my bad brain on this morning and then I took it off and put on my good brain and I was good the whole rest of the day." then he makes a motion like he's taking it off, he says, "now I have my bad brain on and I'm taking it off and throwing it in the garbage." Oh the things that that boy says, they just crack me up. So, he threw his bad brain in the garbage and I guess I'll have a perfect son for the rest of his life! Ok, maybe not, but as far as he's concerned the bad is gone. And you thought 6 year old boys weren't entertaining, just follow this one around for a day!

Then there is Gabriel. Every night he tells me "good night mommy-pants." A long time ago I couldn't figure out what to call some of their crazy behavior so I would tell them to stop acting crazy-pants. Since then everything in our house has pants. Gabriel is such a funny little kid too. He has a silly sense of humor, and you never really know what you are going to get. I always have to expect the unexpected with that kid. You would think that with how silly he is that he would have an easy time in any environment, but he's actually pretty cautious or shy. He takes things in, watches and then he will head long throw himself in. At home he can be the most stubborn child I know, but then he goes to preschool or discovery club and he is a perfect angel. I would be shocked if I ever got a bad report from discovery club, I always hear about how he's the best behaved kid and such a good listener, now if I can just figure out how to bring that home!

I guess that's probably more than enough psycho mommy babble for one night. But sometimes you just got to get it out of your system. So in the words of Gabriel, to his brother as they're going to bed tonight, "good night farty-pants."

Blessing

Tonight I stood at my kitchen sink and cried while I washed a precious gift from a friend.  My dear friend showed up today and handed me a box of china she had purchased for me. It is beautiful, simple & elegant. White plates & tea cups with a gray flower in the middle, I could not have chosen better myself...

What my friend doesn't know and what I was unable to bring the words through my desire to not bawl all over her, is that she is the bearer of God's amazing love toward me.  You see, last night I was also bawling...  I was feeling so overwhelmed with some of the loss in my life and fighting over the truth in my spirit.  I know God is good, but sometimes it feels like a war to continue to trust and hope and knowing beyond knowing.  I was feeling a little broken.  I was crying out that, "Lord, I want to be refined by you, but it hurts!!! I want to be done.  But I know that through it all you are burning away my ugliness and building character and strength."  And last night was a beautiful heart wrenching conversation with my Lord and peace and love filled my heart again, with just enough strength to carry on. 

Then today my friend shows up with a set of china.  I have been wanting a set of china for awhile now, praying that I could find the money and deal on a set.  And here she was, with a perfect set for me!  I still cry just thinking about it.  I am washing it tonight with tears running down my face and a nose constantly sniffling because today God gave me one the desires of my heart through one of his precious daughters.  And I am so blessed.  My dear friend, you were used by God today, you blessed me so abundantly that you may never know entirely how much.  Thank you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, straight from my heart, I love you.  You are amazing.

Real Friends Stalk

Real friends stalk each other!  Well, maybe not really, but real friends are intentional.  They make sure that they connect with each other, that they know what is going on in the other person's life.  Real friendships take work.  And real friends give each other grace, because we all know that being a mother means you're super busy!  Sometimes it will take me a month to actually make that phone call to my girlfriend, but they are never far from my mind.  That's the way of motherhood, just when you think you're going to get that time to call your friend the kids start misbehaving!  And you look up at the calendar and for the life of you cannot figure out how it is March because you swore the last time you looked it was November!

I will admit that sometimes I do stalk my friends.  I will call them until they call me back and I will forget what I called them for then call them back again!  When I want something I guess I make myself pretty hard to ignore.  I wasn't always such a stalker, I probably only really turned into one in the last couple of years.  I took up the art of stalking when I realized a little bit more of human nature.

Human nature makes you want to run away when life is hard.  When you are having a hard time or depressed people's tendency to is withdraw.  People don't like to talk about the things that are making them sad, the things they don't understand, their inadequacies, and the things that make them want to curl up in a ball and cry.  People think they are alone and that nobody else in the world has ever possibly felt the way they do and that there must be something wrong with them.  Pride as well stops people from reaching out to those who want to be there to stand beside you.  After all, we all have these perfect lives, perfect children, husbands and homes, right???

Nope.  Not me.  I am far from perfect.  I am always learning something new, coming up with new theories and falling incredibly short of the idealist perfect that I once thought my life should me.  But do you know what?  Imperfection is freeing.  It allows you to share your heart, to say "I've been there", to let other people know that it's okay to not have it all together.  I am human, I make tons of mistakes and what I get right is not in my power it is solely the grace of God pouring out on my life.

The greatest compliment to me is when I walk in a friends house and their floor isn't swept and they got toys everywhere and they got on a pair of sweats.  Why?  Because it means that they are finally comfortable enough with me to know that all that stuff means nothing to me.  Because they know that I love them and all the mess that they are and it means that they love me and all the mess that I am.  It's because it is real.  Life isn't pretty, life is messy and chaotic!  Out of the chaos and craziness we grow beautiful character and hearts that love people where they are because we know we've been there ourselves or could very possibly be there tomorrow.  Love is intentional, graceful and forgiving.

I Am A Wife

I love and cherish my role as wife.  I believe that as wives we are called to love our husbands, and that that love should be second only to our love for God.  I play an important role in my husbands life.  I am his friend, his playmate, his encourager, his helper, his lover...  The list could go on, but what you need to know is that this is a blessed role and influential role.  

Your relationship with your husband is the most intimate relationship you have.  It needs to be a safe place for both of you to grow, to change, to hide away from the world.  Nobody else in the world has the power to build me up as much as my husband, and nobody else has the power to rip me to little shreds.  In turn I have that same influence.  I chose to share my most intimate self with him because I love and trust and respect him and know that he will not harm me with my vulnerability.

I choose to serve my husband however I can.  I'm not talking slave, seriously, do you know me!!!  But I do choose to try to put his needs above my own.  I make this choice out of the love in my heart & desire to please him.  I obviously fail often at this too, because I am selfish human being, but this is what I try to focus on.

In the bible women are called to respect their husbands, but likewise husbands are called to love their wives.  We had a discussion once where I asked him, "they say that men crave respect & women love.  What do you think of this?  Do you crave respect more than love?"  Shane replied that the two are mutually entangled.  That if you love someone you will respect them.  They are not two separate things, they are in fact two complimenting things.  If you truly have one than you will have the other as well.  Obviously, I am no expert, but this is our experience and it rings true.

I strive to make our home a place of retreat, comfort and love.  Notice as much as I would like to say quiet & peace I have found I cannot daily achieve this with 3 silly kids!!!  But a safe place to come home, and know that however crappy your day was that you are appreciated, loved and believed in, I can do that.  I chose this man for that very reason, he is the best for me, and I want him to know that our home is a shelter from the world, not just for him, but for our children and myself as well.  It is not a place to attack each other, it's not a place where we are told we are not good enough, it is a place of love, acceptance and laughter.

We extend each other grace.  I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I don't get everything I set out to do done.  I forget things, sometimes important things, like milk!!!  But in all my mistakes, disappointments and times of pure ugliness I have never been made to feel less than.  My husband has easily extended me the grace that I need so very much and I try so hard to extend that same grace back to him.  We are in this marriage together, we love each other deeply and are wholly invested in a beautiful future together.  There is no other choice for us, our lives were meant to be lived together, we were destined to grow up together and God put us together to challenge, mature and love each other and those around us.  In all our human imperfection!!! 

What Thoughts Keep Me Up at Night

Life beings in your mother's womb.  God made women  to bare children.  He made our bodies to stretch and grow with life.  Then he made our bodies to sustain that life.  But as natural as nursing is it was not so with my first child.  I had to figure out what I was doing and he had to figure out what he was doing.  Then with my second two it was as natural as breathing.  I cherished the midnight hours, sitting in my children's room, sustaining and filling them in a way that only I could.  Breast milk is not just milk, it's perfectly tailored to your child, their exact age and their exact needs.  Women are amazing.  What is even more amazing is how having children and breastfeeding actually improves a woman's long term health.

I'm not really sure why I'm sitting here talking about breastfeeding and women's bodies...  I just couldn't sleep tonight and was reflective.  Then I got to thinking about what life was like a few years ago and what it will be like a few years from now.  Reflective... 

I loved those quiet midnight hours.  Sure I was tired, but my kids slept through the night really early, so they were a short time for me.  I remember snuggling them to my breast thinking how this could be our last midnight rendezvous.  Now my only midnight rendezvous are with myself and not being able to sleep, or the occasional sickie, or the dreaded long dream (aka "I peed my bed").  Now I peek in on sleeping children and pray in the midnight hours and wonder why I cannot sleep.  

Children changed my body habits.  Before I had children I never woke up in the middle of the night, not even to go to the bathroom.  I slept hard, didn't hear a thing...  Now I hear everything, I sleep so light that sometimes I wonder if I've slept at all!!!  Well, I do know I've slept, but still!!! 

I think of the stages that I've left behind and they are a bittersweet time...  I would not want to go back, I'm just not wired that way.  And I love every new stage more than the last.  I'm not kidding, I am so serious.  I love watching my kids grow up, I love their personalities and the things they say.  I love the school years! In fact, when I thought about having kids, this is what I thought about, the school years.  They are so fun and learning new things all the time.  I like to revisit where we have been in pictures, but no, I don't want to go back.  Life was meant for living, moving forward, growing older and wiser.  

I have seen life and death in my life.  I have seen success and failure.  I have seen love and hatred.  I have laughed and cried.  I have seen good and evil.  I do not always fully understand the details of what I've seen.  I cannot answer the questions that come with all this heartbreak in the world.  I cannot tell you why an evil man has plenty and a godly man nothing.  I cannot tell you what bends a man to violence.  I cannot answer your, "why me?".   My only answer is why not you?  We were not made for this world.  And we cannot comprehend the world that we were made for with our finite human brains.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.  And now that I have written these ones down I'm sure that many more will flood my mind as I try once again to go to sleep.     

 

Where I Belong

My sons favorite song right now is "Where I Belong". One of his first favorite songs was "I Can Only Imagine". He also has had pop favorites too, don't get me wrong. But those two are the ones that have stuck, he wants to talk about, asks questions about. It made me think tonight, as I'm trying to fall asleep, how we are such spiritual beings. We are born with the innate desire for something more, the knowledge that there is more for us out there. And we are born to worship. You don't have to teach a child how to be joyful, how to smile, how to dance. They just know, they come by it naturally.

Why should this be so surprising to me as I'm laying there in bed. I'm not surprised really, just thoughtful. We are after all made in the image of God. Is it surprising that we desire to know our maker as a child desires to know their parents? Does he not call himself our Father?

Yet, it still amazes me to watch my children. To see the innocence we are born with, our natural pull toward the spiritual. The world so pulls us in the opposite direction and it happens so young and so gradually that one day we are an adult amazed at the depth & understanding a child can have of spiritual things. But really we should be shocked at our own understanding of life, the world... We were after all not made to be like the world, we were set apart, in God's image.

Isn't that why sometimes we struggle as adults? We feel we do not fit or we can be lonely, we desire more. Often we misinterpret what that desire is, we think we're missing something here, but really we're missing that spiritual link. We are needing more, what we don't know, until we remember that we are indeed spiritual beings. We don't belong here, we were made for another world, we were made to commune with our maker, father, savior, friend. Adam and Eve walked with God, literally. Yeah, something is missing. Take this world, give me Jesus, nothing else satisfies this void in me.