A Glimpse at a Stay at Home Mom

The is no higher calling than a life of service. What do I do for a living? I am a stay at home mom. I am in the service industry, my customer base just happens to be smaller than the rest of the world. My job is 24/7, but it has the greatest perks, I do after all get to be my own boss.

I don't know if you've ever owned a business or intimately known somebody who does. When I was in high school my parents bought a business. Our dinner time conversations centered around the business, everything revolved around it. We couldn't get away from it, it followed us on vacations, and I know even when my parents weren't talking about it (which wasn't often) it was still in the back of their minds.

Being a stay at home mom is kind of like a business. Except we're not dealing with solely money, we are dealing with the very shaping of people. We are raising the next generation, we are raising the politicians, doctors, business men, works, designers, developers... When we look at our children we are overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising this little person with their own minds & ideas into a person who will positively affect the world. Who will be a leader, a team player, independent, honest people of integrity. You thought your job description was heavy, I could screw up the world!!! I bet you never considered that possibility!

So, what does a stay at home mom do? Well, today I woke up at 7:30, not early for many of you, if you're my husband that's actually sleeping in! I took a shower, because I like to smell nice for my man, he's a huge part of my customer base! Followed by telling my munchkins to get dressed. Two of them listen, but of course not the one who has school today! So I get the kids their cereal, while they eat I pack my son's lunch. Then I draw a picture for inside his lunch, I am no artist, but the first day I packed his lunch I realized the boy can't read, and therefore our notes gotta be a little more creative. Today it's his favorite, a picture of my heart with him & me inside it. It was going to be just him, but he wanted me to add myself.

So I get the boy dressed and look at the clock, thinking we're doing alright. "Yes, you can finish your castle." Get the kids into the car. My daughter in the typical two year old fashion has to do everything herself. Oh, no we're going to be late. We get to school, I'm praying that today there will be no tears. I remind my son that daddy will take him on a really long bike ride if he doesn't cry. He still doesn't want to go to school, but decides to go since he can't stand the thought of daddy taking his brother & not him. (don't worry, he was going to school even if he didn't want to, it's non negotiable.) We're half way to his classroom and the bell rings, we're late, thanks to miss independent. Guess I need to give us more time to get here, note to self. We get to my son's classroom, he stand in the door with a frown face, but doesn't cry... I walk away, he comes back out, "Mama, Mrs. Grafenauer isn't there." Great, the first day he's going to go into his classroom without crying his teacher isn't here & there's a sub. I walk him back in & his little friend tells us the teacher is stuck in a meeting, since that's acceptable to Dominic he stays in his class, although the last thing I saw was his frown face. But it's ok because I know he's going to have fun. I'm actually elated, no tears, no peeling a kid off me & running for the door. We did it!!!

That's just the first hour of day... Within that short description I left out the sibling fighting, the trying to find shoes, the little girl that didn't make it to the bathroom in time & peed on the floor. There is the list in my head of a million things that I need to get done before the end of the day & the reality that of that list I'll probably only get a handful done. Then there is the constant questioning & evaluating. How do I handle sibling rivalry? This worked yesterday, but not today. Why is so & so whining? Am I even any good at this parenting thing? Raising children is scarey. You will never question yourself so often and yet be so sure that  you're doing the right thing. Because you're constantly wanting to do it better, to be a better mother, wife, friend. Nothing will grow you or stretch you as much as motherhood. I've only been doing it for just over five and a half years and I know I have so much more to learn, so many more questions & trials to face.

When I became a mother I thought I knew everything. I thought I was going to have the perfect little kids. I had a list of all those things that my kids will never! Oh, sister, eat your words!!! Motherhood will humble you like nothing else! And it's so beautiful & ugly all at once. You will wake up and think one minute you're a awesome mother, then next you're the worst mother & person in the world! It's a roller coaster full of ups & downs, turns & swirls, dives & climbs.

Motherhood is all consuming, like a business. You have to figure out how to maintain who you are outside this all consuming pleasure. You have to remember that you have a name other than "Mama." It's a constant battle to balance who you are with what you do. You are not your children, your identity cannot be in them. But motherhood is the best business in the world. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I am blessed to get the walk this tight rope, because it has made me a better person. It has blessed my life with more love & satisfaction than I could have ever dreamed of. And I am so thankful to my husband for making this family one that is to be envied, because no home could be full of more love, support & joy... Although I would love a little order of peace & quiet on the side, but that will come someday, little people just weren't made for silence!

To My Son

My Dearest Dominic,

Today we sent you off to your first day of kindergarten. Daddy came home to drive in with us & everything. We are so excited for you, so happy to see your school adventures begin. We are excited for all the new things you will learn, the amazing things you will discover in this huge world. You told me the other day that you wanted to read, and that is one of the many things you will be learning! When I met your teacher, Mrs. Grafenhauer, for the first time I liked her instantly. You liked her as well, you laughed over your time when you were doing your testing & had no problem asking her all your questions. I know you are in good hands, today as I write this letter to you.

Today when we left for school you were very excited for your first day, you had woken up at 6am!!! As you stood in line I was proud of my little man, so big & responsible, waiting patiently to go inside. My baby is growing up. I was not worried about sending you off. I was not sad. This is after all how life progresses, and I know you are ready for this next step, this new season in your life. We have fully enjoyed our time together at home before these school years & it's so exciting as your Mama to see the person you are growing into. It is a privilege to have the front row seat in your life, watching every milestone, every smile & wiping away every tear. You are an amazing little boy, so full of joy, hope & promise. 

It wasn't until Mrs. Grafenhauer told the class to blow kisses to your parents that I we were going to have a hard time. You hid your face in your coat & frowned, you wouldn't look up. As the line started to move you were rooted in your spot and you began to cry. I came to you, to give one last hug, praying you could get through this. I walked you to the gate, and you were not going to go in. I am fighting tears, trying so hard to be strong for you, I know my tears have to wait. I give you a hug, say goodbye & a little nudge into the gate. The gate closes & the last thing I see is you gripping it, crying. I ran around the corner, I can still hear you, but now you can't see me... I know it is best this way. 

I know that this is best for you. I know you are ready, I don't doubt it for a minute. As I said before I'm not sad, I know this is life, I know you will do great. But I am sad that you are crying. I am sad that your I cannot comfort you, even when I know it's for the best. Today, my little love, we are growing up just a little more. Because everyday we have together is another day that we are teaching you how to be your own person, how to be responsible, how to grow up. Sometimes these lessons are hard. And when they are hard for you, know that they are even harder for me, because I love you more than life itself. You and your brother & sister & daddy are my world, my heart beats to love you. I wake every morning to be the best mama I can be for you. Yes, little love, these lessons are hard for us. 

So, today we had a rough start. But I know that when I pick you up today you will have such amazing stories to tell me. I know you will have had fun & will have already started falling in love with your teacher. I know you will do great, because you are a great kid. I know today was a rough start, but tomorrow will be easier, and before we know it you will be running to class not bothering to look over your shoulder. You will love school, I don't doubt it for a minute. I know that today was hard, but it was time. And I know that you are ready. You just didn't know in your heart today, but tomorrow you will. I love you, Mr D.

Love Always,
Mama

Privlege of Family

Family... What a privilege to be part of one! Last night my family had the pleasure of coming together to celebrate the marriage of one of my cousins! Let me tell you about my family... They are amazing! They are smart, loving, successful people. And we are a big family, sometimes I can't even keep track of everybody!

I grew up going to all the family functions, the Christmas party always stands out in my mind the most. I remember anxiously waiting through the long car ride out to my uncle's farm. I remember on the day figuring out the best way to get out there, seems the roads were always flooding, I used to wish the roads would flood after we got there so we had to stay overnight.

Then once we were there I would follow my mom around, visiting with all the aunts & uncles. I am the youngest cousin, I think there is 19 of us, I could be totally wrong... Because being the youngest cousin, I actually was the same age as my oldest cousin's kids! I remember they used to set out two rows of big folding tables with chairs all around. Wherever we were the uncle hosting would pray for our family & without fail they would cry as the blessings of a close family are realized once again. I guess crying runs in the family!

I always admired my cousins. They were smart, funny & beautiful, still are! They are strong, they love their families & are some of the most amazing people I know.

Now that we're all grown our family gatherings are a little smaller, but no less special. But I think what made my cousins wedding reception so great last night was that it was once again the whole family coming together. There were some missing, but it felt that we were closer to what we used to be. I still look forward to the Schoenmaker family Christmas party every year. Now it's my children running through the house, probably in another few years it will be my daughter begging to go out and see the horse!

Whenever we faced anything in life we never had to face it alone. I remember so many times when my mom's brothers & sisters came beside her & helped her when times were tough. I also remember many summer bbq's, camping trips, holiday celebrations. I remember my grandpa at Christmas, always so happy to see us, and the political debates that would take place... I do have to admit the desire to debate politics totally skipped over me! But oh, I remember... But the thing that stands out most to me is a love for our family.

Though our family is more spread apart now than it was when I was growing up, the bond is still there. When we come together the time flies by, the years slip away and we are family. A family that is there for each other, prays for each other & loves each other. And we defiantly know how to have a good time!

Today is His Day

I love preschool! Today I sent Gabriel off to his very first day. He's been yelling every time we drive by the preschool this summer, "that's my preschool!!!" Today he finally got to go. His wait has been excruciating, because you see, he's been waiting a whole year for today to be his day! I remember the tears so many times last year when he didn't get to go to preschool. It broke my heart every time, but there was no way I was paying for two kids to be in preschool at the same time, one is enough. A few days last year I got to sub, which I loved, and he got the pleasure of coming with me to class. And oh did he have a good time, he got to paint as much as he wanted, sit in circle time, eat snack & run around outside.

Well, now today is his day! He went to sleep last night probably dreaming of this day. He woke up and wanted to leave right away! Well, he doesn't go to preschool until 1:00, which was forever away! Finally after we had lunch I couldn't hold him back anymore. So we got all ourselves together to begin the picture process. I have never seen a boy more willing to do pictures! I only wanted a couple & he happily cooperated. So, in the car we go, super early! We stopped by the latte stand across the street from preschool & got a little sweet treat. After all, today is a special day!

Finally we get to go inside. This kid is a pro! He finds his spot on the carpet, then he calls his friend over, but the spot next to him was taken by one of his siblings, so he moved so he could sit by his friend. Crisscross applesauce this kid knows what's up! Dominic takes a seat on the rug, even Abigail picks a spot. And circle time begins. Today, Gabriel is a preschooler.

As I sit watching my little man, I laugh at my know it all, Dominic. He has no problem remembering the rules of the classroom. He, as well, is a pro. I peek on the other side of my boys & their friends & there is my little princess sitting... Trying to sing the songs as well, clapping with everybody, fully engaged. I think she thinks today is her day. Miss LeAlyce even points to Abigail to say her name. She stops, surprised and says, "umm..." We laugh at the shock on her face, oh the princess had her moment, as she was introduced as Abi, Gabe's little sister.

Wow! How far we have come in a year. How different I feel as I'm sending Gabriel off to his first day of preschool. How different he is from his brother. Both were very excited, but oddly enough, I think Gabe was more ready than Dominic. I didn't have to tell him to be quiet, or sit still, or anything, not even once. I remember as I sat in the very same room a year ago I thought, oh, Dominic, you have a long way to go. How are  you ever going to be able to sit still & pay attention? But he did, I remember being shocked at what a different class I walked in on just a couple weeks later. Dominic was sitting on the rug, listening, looking so grown up. And this year, he sat, Mr Know it All.

Then there is Abigail. Last year she did not sit on the carpet. No, she ran right for the little house & played away. Was a loud little muffin, pretty distracting as well! And this year, there she sits, convinced that this is where she belongs. After all, I have heard her arguing with her brother all summer long that this was, "my preschool!" Today when we left she was not a happy little girl. I think this will be her year of tears. Her year of wanting to go so bad. Her longest year of her poor life! My big girl wants to be an even bigger girl. The dream that the grass is always greener on the other side.

And there is Gabriel. Today is his day. He has been waiting for so long. I am so glad that he is sitting in his little heaven right now. And he gets to paint today! If you woke up thinking today was just another day, you do not know Gabriel! He is so cute & sweet. He is a silly, friendly little guy. He was greeted today by the familiar faces of his long coveted teachers & two of his little friends. He had no problem making sure his friends knew he was there, that they should sit by him. He loved saying hi to all his new friends in his class he has yet to build a history with. He was a happy boy. I don't think a start could shine brighter than his face. Yes, today is his day!

Summer Recap

What a summer.  That's all I can say.  So much happened.  I am ready to dive into fall & the school year.  I think this is going to be an awesome year for us.  I am excited to be sending two of my children off to school this year.  My little boys are growing up.

This summer we said goodbye to two of our neighbors who had become super close friends.  I still miss them like crazy, they brought a lot of laughter to our little cul de sac.  They were & are like family, I can't wait until we can go visit them.  I loved the community that we had built in out little corner of the world.  It was like I was living back in time where people spent time getting to know their neighbors & throwing food on the bbq for the neighbors was like second nature.  I'm not sure if we'll ever get to experience that again, but it was a little slice of heaven.

My little Gabbers turned 4.  He is too cute.  I love the little things he says, the way his little mind works, his zest for life.  He is so excited to start preschool, whenever we drive by he says, "that's my preschool!"  He also finally made a best friend.  After spending a long weekend with his friend Tyler he has said, "he's my best friend. like 100."  I guess friends must have numbers for how long you're going to be friends maybe?  Like 100.  Funny how kids think.  Tyler & Gabriel are going to be going to preschool together this year & I could not be more excited!  Now I already have a friend at preschool.  It was weird wrapping up the school year & realizing that I won't be seeing these other mom's 3 times a week anymore, and all but one have kids headed off to a different school than Dominic.  Now I have a preschool mama friend that I get to keep!

Shane & I got to get away on our annual summer hide away.  I love that man like crazy.  I could not have asked for a better husband, I could name a million reasons why, but I don't want to make you all jealous.  But I will say, that he knows me like nobody else.  He supports me through the good, the bad & the ugly.  He's the man that when you're crying on your hands & knees picking up stupid legos as your world is falling apart, silently comes beside you & picks them up, helps you move on.  He has been my silent strength lately, he knows how to make me feel secure & that everything is going to be alright.  He understands what I need, when I'm struggling to figure out what that is.  He draws me out of myself & makes me shine.

My real strength is from God.  But God uses people when you need a little flesh to hold you up, that's why he said "it's not good for man to be alone."  I love that God knows me, even when I don't know myself.  That he encourages me & teaches me to be a better person.  I am thankful that he would see worth & value in a broken girl like me.  That he sees my brokenness & calls it beautiful & knows how to make me whole.  He gently whispers, holds, challenges & loves me.  He understands my questions, my raging, my confusion.  He doesn't push me away when I feel those things, no, he draws me closer to him.  He breathes his presence into my life & gives me peace.  What a mighty God I serve.

This summer...  We got to enjoy a few camping trips.  I love camping with my family & friends.  We went with Nana & Papa one weekend.  Dominic got his prayers answered when he saw bats at night.  He would pray, "Jesus, can I see a bat? Thank you." then a minute later one would fly overhead.  Talk about some faith building!  Then we escaped to Chelan two weekends in a row with some of our dearest family friends!  The weather was perfect, so many memories were made!  And the kids did alright on the trips over!

Then, my mom.  She had her surgery yesterday.  She is doing well, we still won't have a lot of answers for a couple days/weeks.  We are believing the cancer hasn't spread.  She is deciding what her next plan of action is, praying for wisdom.  It's been a process, one that's not over.  But we have hope, because we serve a God that can beat cancer, that made our bodies & knows them & their most intricate parts.  And he is still God & he still heals!!! 

Oh, what a summer.  It's the summer that felt like a year.  So many emotions, so many happenings, so little time to process.  And so much more than I even shared!  I am ready to settle into fall.  Ready to fall into a new routine.  To send little boys off to school three times a week, go back to my original mops, begin a new bible study with a different group of ladies.  I believe that God has good things in store for us this year.  That he wants to shower us with blessings, the greatest blessing being his presence.  I am so blessed to wake up everyday & say, "this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice & be glad in it."  No matter the trials, no matter the heartbreak, no matter the blessings, I know I was born to thrive today, and that is what I will do.

Pray for my Mama

I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  We are all fearfully & wonderfully made.  God knew this day before I ever had breath in my body.  He knew the trials I would face.  And he knows me, you... My mother.  He knows my Mama.  He knit her together in her mother's womb.  He put together every piece of flesh.  Fearfully made.  How can you look at the intricacies of the human body and not know that there is a God?  How can you not be in awe of the one who created us?  Not only did he create us, he created us in his image.  Awe.  

And sin.  Sin entered this world, through the act of two people disregarding what God said to them.  As a kid I always thought, why did Adam & Eve eat the fruit?  It was all so simple in my little mind.  It's still pretty simple, but I know if they hadn't eaten the fruit somebody was bound to.  Sin.  It's a tricky little thing.  Disguised to look so fun, innocent, easy.  And because of sin we will never on this earth know a perfect world.  With sin, entered disease.  

Disease.  I started journaling when I was a little girl.  I was about 7 years old and my dad was dying of cancer.  I've read my journals from that time of my life, my first journal.  You would see a little girl, coping with this horrific thing called cancer.  A girl bargaining with God, not understanding it all.  But a little girl with faith.  Faith that even in this God had a plan.  Well, 20 years later I am still journaling, and we're on our knees again to battle cancer.  My Mama has breast cancer, we just found out.

Cancer.  The word itself brings up all kinds of emotions in my heart.  I know that breast cancer isn't at all like lymphoma, what my dad died of.  But the word itself brings out the irrational, and sometimes rational, fears.  I cannot help but war in my head.  The logic vs. faith vs. modern medicine vs. little 7 year old girl vs. 27 year old woman.  

Add to that, waiting.  They move fast when cancer is found, but it's not nearly fast enough for the family involved.  We find out Friday, mom has appointment with doctor Tuesday with an MRI to follow, surgical consult on Thursday.  But that gives me 4 days of what's the plan, I know the general plan, but is it going to go as planned.  Four days to war in my head with not all the information.  To have the struggle of flesh vs. faith.  Every few minutes it switches whose winning.  

I sit and cry.  Then I run scripture through my head.  I am fearfully & wonderfully made...  I know the plans I have for you...  I knit  you together in your mother's womb...  I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  I knit you together in your mother's womb.  I distract myself.  I am numb.  I am strong, I am weak.  I am mad.  I believe God will heal her.  I'm scared that maybe that's not God's plan.  I know God will heal her.  God, why are we doing this again?  You won't give us anything we cannot handle.  Lord, I cannot handle this.  

So, what do I know.  All I know at this point is one, my Mama is fearfully & wonderfully made & God knit her together in her mother's womb.  God is the great physician.  He has the power to heal my Mama.  He knows her inmost being, her flesh, her spirit, her soul.  She is his daughter.  Two, God knew this day before my Mama had breath, before I had breath.  And He knows what this season holds for my Mama & our family.  And finally three, we have a wonderful group of friends & family that is willing to step up and pray for us, especially my Mama.  So, if you're reading this, you are my friend and please pray for my Mama.  Pray for God's healing.  And know that God's Will will be done.  His good & perfect will.  And that we can be a testimony of who He is.  And pray for healing.

A Journey

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

~Jesus Culture~

Motherhood is hard.  It's the best job on earth, but the most challenging.  To know you are responsible for little souls & for so much of it all to be out of your control.  To constantly be in a period of growth.  Wanting to be better, the best for your children, but constantly questioning if it is enough.  To go from failure to triumph to failure again in the course of 10 minutes. Never will you be more sure & more insecure all in one moment.  To fight not just the judgements of others, but even worse your own judgements of yourself.  And to fail, over & over, not knowing what to do.  To feel so alone, but to crave space to yourself.  One thing, remains.

But the Lord says to you. "You will never know how high, how wide, how deep my love is for you.  I will never leave you, you are never alone.  The road you travel may be rough, but I will carry you through, I will sustain you.  I will be your strength.  I will give you wisdom when you need it most, when you ask.  I will never let you go.  You are my child & I love you.  My heart breaks for your pain, you are not alone.  My mercies are new every morning, your life is a gift.  I do not bring you through the fire to abandon you.  As the sun comes up in the morning, so my love shines on you.  You are precious & honored in my sight, I see no blemish in you.  I bring you through storms because I love you & desire to grow my character in you.  You do not fail me.  I will shine my light through you & my will, will be done.  Now, rest in me."

Motherhood.  It's what challenges me to grow spiritually.  It's what brings the greatest blessings & love that is stronger than steel.  It is the reason I'm not who I was 6 years ago.  It has bred patience, faith, trust, humility...  Humility.  Oh, that's been a hard one.  But I am glad that I'm not who I was yesterday.  Was yesterday's child that bad?  Not at all, but growth is beautiful.  There is beauty in pain, pain brings tears & tears bring refreshment & it all equals growth.  

What is my desire?  To be a woman of godly character.  To be a woman of grace.  To teach my children to love the Lord, that they will serve him.  

I do not know what my next season holds.  It has been a hard road, letting God work in my heart, running from God working in my heart, surrendering to God's work in my heart, seeing how running brought me to understanding & surrender.  Humility.  What an adventure it was.  At the beginning of the year I saw that that was the journey God was taking me on, that I had been on.  I submitted to the journey with fear & trembling, then I ran from the journey, only to find that oddly enough running was a part of the journey that needed to happen, to ultimately bring me to that place of surrendered humility.  Never would I advise running, lol!!! But personally I needed to fail to see just how humble I wasn't.  A few weeks ago that was part of what the Lord revealed to me.  I thought I might share it, because maybe somebody else needs to hear how much our loving father actually loves us.  It's just a little expert from my journal...  It's been my journey as of lately.  I think we've come to the end of that one, for now at least.  So, what does my next season hold?  My heart is surrendered.  But for now my soul is at rest...  I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I will fail, but in my failures & weaknesses, you will see God's unfailing love & strength.  

My desire is that God will use my imperfections to show his love.  That he will fill in the gaps, where I fall short he will deliver.  And my children were his first.  I cannot love them as completely as he does.  So, I take a breath, and try to move through another day.  I try to live a life of grace, and every time I fail I know he will be faithful to carry me through, bring me to the other side & teach me a little something more about being a woman of God.  

I'm praying for a season of rest.  In my rest I need God's wisdom.  His wisdom in raising these beautiful children he gave me.  I need a little more patience.  A little less busy.  A few disciple revelations.  These little people God gives us are nothing like each other.  What works for one doesn't for another.  And when you think you figured it out, it all changes again!  Children are beautiful creatures of wonder.  Every one of my little munchkins has something we're needing to focus on.  So, maybe this is a season of rest for me & growth for them.  Lord, give me wisdom, peace, patience & grace.  And let your will be done, may my those in my house always serve you alone.