Today is His Day

I love preschool! Today I sent Gabriel off to his very first day. He's been yelling every time we drive by the preschool this summer, "that's my preschool!!!" Today he finally got to go. His wait has been excruciating, because you see, he's been waiting a whole year for today to be his day! I remember the tears so many times last year when he didn't get to go to preschool. It broke my heart every time, but there was no way I was paying for two kids to be in preschool at the same time, one is enough. A few days last year I got to sub, which I loved, and he got the pleasure of coming with me to class. And oh did he have a good time, he got to paint as much as he wanted, sit in circle time, eat snack & run around outside.

Well, now today is his day! He went to sleep last night probably dreaming of this day. He woke up and wanted to leave right away! Well, he doesn't go to preschool until 1:00, which was forever away! Finally after we had lunch I couldn't hold him back anymore. So we got all ourselves together to begin the picture process. I have never seen a boy more willing to do pictures! I only wanted a couple & he happily cooperated. So, in the car we go, super early! We stopped by the latte stand across the street from preschool & got a little sweet treat. After all, today is a special day!

Finally we get to go inside. This kid is a pro! He finds his spot on the carpet, then he calls his friend over, but the spot next to him was taken by one of his siblings, so he moved so he could sit by his friend. Crisscross applesauce this kid knows what's up! Dominic takes a seat on the rug, even Abigail picks a spot. And circle time begins. Today, Gabriel is a preschooler.

As I sit watching my little man, I laugh at my know it all, Dominic. He has no problem remembering the rules of the classroom. He, as well, is a pro. I peek on the other side of my boys & their friends & there is my little princess sitting... Trying to sing the songs as well, clapping with everybody, fully engaged. I think she thinks today is her day. Miss LeAlyce even points to Abigail to say her name. She stops, surprised and says, "umm..." We laugh at the shock on her face, oh the princess had her moment, as she was introduced as Abi, Gabe's little sister.

Wow! How far we have come in a year. How different I feel as I'm sending Gabriel off to his first day of preschool. How different he is from his brother. Both were very excited, but oddly enough, I think Gabe was more ready than Dominic. I didn't have to tell him to be quiet, or sit still, or anything, not even once. I remember as I sat in the very same room a year ago I thought, oh, Dominic, you have a long way to go. How are  you ever going to be able to sit still & pay attention? But he did, I remember being shocked at what a different class I walked in on just a couple weeks later. Dominic was sitting on the rug, listening, looking so grown up. And this year, he sat, Mr Know it All.

Then there is Abigail. Last year she did not sit on the carpet. No, she ran right for the little house & played away. Was a loud little muffin, pretty distracting as well! And this year, there she sits, convinced that this is where she belongs. After all, I have heard her arguing with her brother all summer long that this was, "my preschool!" Today when we left she was not a happy little girl. I think this will be her year of tears. Her year of wanting to go so bad. Her longest year of her poor life! My big girl wants to be an even bigger girl. The dream that the grass is always greener on the other side.

And there is Gabriel. Today is his day. He has been waiting for so long. I am so glad that he is sitting in his little heaven right now. And he gets to paint today! If you woke up thinking today was just another day, you do not know Gabriel! He is so cute & sweet. He is a silly, friendly little guy. He was greeted today by the familiar faces of his long coveted teachers & two of his little friends. He had no problem making sure his friends knew he was there, that they should sit by him. He loved saying hi to all his new friends in his class he has yet to build a history with. He was a happy boy. I don't think a start could shine brighter than his face. Yes, today is his day!

Summer Recap

What a summer.  That's all I can say.  So much happened.  I am ready to dive into fall & the school year.  I think this is going to be an awesome year for us.  I am excited to be sending two of my children off to school this year.  My little boys are growing up.

This summer we said goodbye to two of our neighbors who had become super close friends.  I still miss them like crazy, they brought a lot of laughter to our little cul de sac.  They were & are like family, I can't wait until we can go visit them.  I loved the community that we had built in out little corner of the world.  It was like I was living back in time where people spent time getting to know their neighbors & throwing food on the bbq for the neighbors was like second nature.  I'm not sure if we'll ever get to experience that again, but it was a little slice of heaven.

My little Gabbers turned 4.  He is too cute.  I love the little things he says, the way his little mind works, his zest for life.  He is so excited to start preschool, whenever we drive by he says, "that's my preschool!"  He also finally made a best friend.  After spending a long weekend with his friend Tyler he has said, "he's my best friend. like 100."  I guess friends must have numbers for how long you're going to be friends maybe?  Like 100.  Funny how kids think.  Tyler & Gabriel are going to be going to preschool together this year & I could not be more excited!  Now I already have a friend at preschool.  It was weird wrapping up the school year & realizing that I won't be seeing these other mom's 3 times a week anymore, and all but one have kids headed off to a different school than Dominic.  Now I have a preschool mama friend that I get to keep!

Shane & I got to get away on our annual summer hide away.  I love that man like crazy.  I could not have asked for a better husband, I could name a million reasons why, but I don't want to make you all jealous.  But I will say, that he knows me like nobody else.  He supports me through the good, the bad & the ugly.  He's the man that when you're crying on your hands & knees picking up stupid legos as your world is falling apart, silently comes beside you & picks them up, helps you move on.  He has been my silent strength lately, he knows how to make me feel secure & that everything is going to be alright.  He understands what I need, when I'm struggling to figure out what that is.  He draws me out of myself & makes me shine.

My real strength is from God.  But God uses people when you need a little flesh to hold you up, that's why he said "it's not good for man to be alone."  I love that God knows me, even when I don't know myself.  That he encourages me & teaches me to be a better person.  I am thankful that he would see worth & value in a broken girl like me.  That he sees my brokenness & calls it beautiful & knows how to make me whole.  He gently whispers, holds, challenges & loves me.  He understands my questions, my raging, my confusion.  He doesn't push me away when I feel those things, no, he draws me closer to him.  He breathes his presence into my life & gives me peace.  What a mighty God I serve.

This summer...  We got to enjoy a few camping trips.  I love camping with my family & friends.  We went with Nana & Papa one weekend.  Dominic got his prayers answered when he saw bats at night.  He would pray, "Jesus, can I see a bat? Thank you." then a minute later one would fly overhead.  Talk about some faith building!  Then we escaped to Chelan two weekends in a row with some of our dearest family friends!  The weather was perfect, so many memories were made!  And the kids did alright on the trips over!

Then, my mom.  She had her surgery yesterday.  She is doing well, we still won't have a lot of answers for a couple days/weeks.  We are believing the cancer hasn't spread.  She is deciding what her next plan of action is, praying for wisdom.  It's been a process, one that's not over.  But we have hope, because we serve a God that can beat cancer, that made our bodies & knows them & their most intricate parts.  And he is still God & he still heals!!! 

Oh, what a summer.  It's the summer that felt like a year.  So many emotions, so many happenings, so little time to process.  And so much more than I even shared!  I am ready to settle into fall.  Ready to fall into a new routine.  To send little boys off to school three times a week, go back to my original mops, begin a new bible study with a different group of ladies.  I believe that God has good things in store for us this year.  That he wants to shower us with blessings, the greatest blessing being his presence.  I am so blessed to wake up everyday & say, "this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice & be glad in it."  No matter the trials, no matter the heartbreak, no matter the blessings, I know I was born to thrive today, and that is what I will do.

Pray for my Mama

I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  We are all fearfully & wonderfully made.  God knew this day before I ever had breath in my body.  He knew the trials I would face.  And he knows me, you... My mother.  He knows my Mama.  He knit her together in her mother's womb.  He put together every piece of flesh.  Fearfully made.  How can you look at the intricacies of the human body and not know that there is a God?  How can you not be in awe of the one who created us?  Not only did he create us, he created us in his image.  Awe.  

And sin.  Sin entered this world, through the act of two people disregarding what God said to them.  As a kid I always thought, why did Adam & Eve eat the fruit?  It was all so simple in my little mind.  It's still pretty simple, but I know if they hadn't eaten the fruit somebody was bound to.  Sin.  It's a tricky little thing.  Disguised to look so fun, innocent, easy.  And because of sin we will never on this earth know a perfect world.  With sin, entered disease.  

Disease.  I started journaling when I was a little girl.  I was about 7 years old and my dad was dying of cancer.  I've read my journals from that time of my life, my first journal.  You would see a little girl, coping with this horrific thing called cancer.  A girl bargaining with God, not understanding it all.  But a little girl with faith.  Faith that even in this God had a plan.  Well, 20 years later I am still journaling, and we're on our knees again to battle cancer.  My Mama has breast cancer, we just found out.

Cancer.  The word itself brings up all kinds of emotions in my heart.  I know that breast cancer isn't at all like lymphoma, what my dad died of.  But the word itself brings out the irrational, and sometimes rational, fears.  I cannot help but war in my head.  The logic vs. faith vs. modern medicine vs. little 7 year old girl vs. 27 year old woman.  

Add to that, waiting.  They move fast when cancer is found, but it's not nearly fast enough for the family involved.  We find out Friday, mom has appointment with doctor Tuesday with an MRI to follow, surgical consult on Thursday.  But that gives me 4 days of what's the plan, I know the general plan, but is it going to go as planned.  Four days to war in my head with not all the information.  To have the struggle of flesh vs. faith.  Every few minutes it switches whose winning.  

I sit and cry.  Then I run scripture through my head.  I am fearfully & wonderfully made...  I know the plans I have for you...  I knit  you together in your mother's womb...  I am fearfully & wonderfully made.  I knit you together in your mother's womb.  I distract myself.  I am numb.  I am strong, I am weak.  I am mad.  I believe God will heal her.  I'm scared that maybe that's not God's plan.  I know God will heal her.  God, why are we doing this again?  You won't give us anything we cannot handle.  Lord, I cannot handle this.  

So, what do I know.  All I know at this point is one, my Mama is fearfully & wonderfully made & God knit her together in her mother's womb.  God is the great physician.  He has the power to heal my Mama.  He knows her inmost being, her flesh, her spirit, her soul.  She is his daughter.  Two, God knew this day before my Mama had breath, before I had breath.  And He knows what this season holds for my Mama & our family.  And finally three, we have a wonderful group of friends & family that is willing to step up and pray for us, especially my Mama.  So, if you're reading this, you are my friend and please pray for my Mama.  Pray for God's healing.  And know that God's Will will be done.  His good & perfect will.  And that we can be a testimony of who He is.  And pray for healing.

A Journey

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

~Jesus Culture~

Motherhood is hard.  It's the best job on earth, but the most challenging.  To know you are responsible for little souls & for so much of it all to be out of your control.  To constantly be in a period of growth.  Wanting to be better, the best for your children, but constantly questioning if it is enough.  To go from failure to triumph to failure again in the course of 10 minutes. Never will you be more sure & more insecure all in one moment.  To fight not just the judgements of others, but even worse your own judgements of yourself.  And to fail, over & over, not knowing what to do.  To feel so alone, but to crave space to yourself.  One thing, remains.

But the Lord says to you. "You will never know how high, how wide, how deep my love is for you.  I will never leave you, you are never alone.  The road you travel may be rough, but I will carry you through, I will sustain you.  I will be your strength.  I will give you wisdom when you need it most, when you ask.  I will never let you go.  You are my child & I love you.  My heart breaks for your pain, you are not alone.  My mercies are new every morning, your life is a gift.  I do not bring you through the fire to abandon you.  As the sun comes up in the morning, so my love shines on you.  You are precious & honored in my sight, I see no blemish in you.  I bring you through storms because I love you & desire to grow my character in you.  You do not fail me.  I will shine my light through you & my will, will be done.  Now, rest in me."

Motherhood.  It's what challenges me to grow spiritually.  It's what brings the greatest blessings & love that is stronger than steel.  It is the reason I'm not who I was 6 years ago.  It has bred patience, faith, trust, humility...  Humility.  Oh, that's been a hard one.  But I am glad that I'm not who I was yesterday.  Was yesterday's child that bad?  Not at all, but growth is beautiful.  There is beauty in pain, pain brings tears & tears bring refreshment & it all equals growth.  

What is my desire?  To be a woman of godly character.  To be a woman of grace.  To teach my children to love the Lord, that they will serve him.  

I do not know what my next season holds.  It has been a hard road, letting God work in my heart, running from God working in my heart, surrendering to God's work in my heart, seeing how running brought me to understanding & surrender.  Humility.  What an adventure it was.  At the beginning of the year I saw that that was the journey God was taking me on, that I had been on.  I submitted to the journey with fear & trembling, then I ran from the journey, only to find that oddly enough running was a part of the journey that needed to happen, to ultimately bring me to that place of surrendered humility.  Never would I advise running, lol!!! But personally I needed to fail to see just how humble I wasn't.  A few weeks ago that was part of what the Lord revealed to me.  I thought I might share it, because maybe somebody else needs to hear how much our loving father actually loves us.  It's just a little expert from my journal...  It's been my journey as of lately.  I think we've come to the end of that one, for now at least.  So, what does my next season hold?  My heart is surrendered.  But for now my soul is at rest...  I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I will fail, but in my failures & weaknesses, you will see God's unfailing love & strength.  

My desire is that God will use my imperfections to show his love.  That he will fill in the gaps, where I fall short he will deliver.  And my children were his first.  I cannot love them as completely as he does.  So, I take a breath, and try to move through another day.  I try to live a life of grace, and every time I fail I know he will be faithful to carry me through, bring me to the other side & teach me a little something more about being a woman of God.  

I'm praying for a season of rest.  In my rest I need God's wisdom.  His wisdom in raising these beautiful children he gave me.  I need a little more patience.  A little less busy.  A few disciple revelations.  These little people God gives us are nothing like each other.  What works for one doesn't for another.  And when you think you figured it out, it all changes again!  Children are beautiful creatures of wonder.  Every one of my little munchkins has something we're needing to focus on.  So, maybe this is a season of rest for me & growth for them.  Lord, give me wisdom, peace, patience & grace.  And let your will be done, may my those in my house always serve you alone.

An Artist?

Am I an artist? Is it possible that I am just an artist that has refused to ever admit that that alone is my calling? Is written word considered an art? Not that my writing is amazing, but is it possible that it's a gift that never has been fully explored. That the feelings of inadequacy and doubt have quenched what could have been a beautiful thing. There are so many people so much more talented than me in so many different areas, and people that are defiantly artists! But where I struggle to say what I mean in voice I can put to perfect sense on paper. I will get an idea in my head and cannot rest until the words have been put to it, or in some cases the project completed. I can be a dog with a bone and yet other times I can be completely uninspired. Are these just the woes a girl who has never admitted what she is, or hidden from it.

I grew up writing in my journal everyday... Sometimes multiple times a day. I fantasized and wrote little stories, I can describe a scene that would bring you to tears and enjoy it so thoroughly, although I think the only person I've ever shared that with is my mama!!! I can completely lose myself in a scene. Many times I feel awkward with the inability to fully express myself. My feelings are easily hurt, yet I hide it so well. I am like a rock that if you puncture it you would be amazed that it's actually soft inside, but I'm not really one to invite you in. Like I fight to be & know who I am. Yet I can share here, my craziest thoughts and am ok with it.

I am 27 years old and I can fight to figure out who I am, silly right? Normal, probably. Yeah, I don't feel extraordinary. I'm just me, I define myself as a wife, mother & friend. Maybe there is more to me... It may all sound like silly ramblings, but why else would I wake up at 4am and have to write in order to go to sleep again. My brain is the one thing that has always kept me up at night, grrrr. So, I guess maybe I'm still figuring out who I am and where I fit. But if I'm an artist, than maybe some more the pieces make a little more sense... Or maybe the title just doesn't fit.

Motherhood

So many thoughts, so little organization. Happy Mother's Day to me... Mother's day is one of those tricky days for me personally. It never seems to go the way I plan in my head. For instance, my very first mother's day I wanted to celebrate by having a picnic. So, we went to Camano State park and went for a little walk in the crazy cold wind, then ended up having our picnic in the car because it was just too cold! This is my 6th mother's day and I have yet to have the "perfect" day. But really that's motherhood. 

There is no perfect day. There are millions of great days, zillions of perfect moments, but a perfect day? No, life just doesn't work that way. We are all human and are too many things we cannot control. But it's those beautiful moments that make a perfect lifetime, because I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Not even the times where all 3 kids decide to melt down at the same time. 

The real beauty is in the learning. The knowledge that now my 5 year old son can control his emotions just a little better than he could a year ago. He's not perfect, he still has moments when I want to hide my head in the sand, but the beauty is that those moments don't happen as often as they did a year ago. He's growing and I get the witness the beauty of it, not only do I get to witness it I get to be a key ingredient to his growth & development. I am making a difference, even if at times it's hard to see. The same can be said for all 3 of my kids, their development is amazing, beautiful, miraculous.

Motherhood is a miraculous journey. As much as my children grow, mature, overcome, so do I. My children are my most beautiful achievement, and they're so far from being complete! Every season I watch new things unfold and am breathless with the people my munchkins are turning into. When they get it right, I am humbled, because somehow in all my learning & growing, they too grew. I guess I can never say that God didn't use me on this earth, because my children are a testimony that my life has purpose.

My Mother, My Daughter

At this time in 16 more days I will be getting to hug my mom!!! It's been too long.  They have been serving the Lord in Hawaii & Tahiti for the last 5 months.  I have missed my parents sooo much.  I am constantly hearing about Hawaii from my kids, wanting to know when Grandma & Grandpa will be home.  I miss being able to talk to my mom, hang out with her, watch her play with my children, getting hugs when I need them most.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother.  We had our share of struggles while I was growing up, but I have never met a more amazing woman than my mother.  She is a strong & loving woman.  She has experienced a lot of life in her lifetime & has grown in wisdom & grace.  My children are so lucky that I broke her in & made her such a wonderful grandmother!!! I cannot wait for her to be an actively present part of our lives again!  We have done the skype thing & talked on the phone, but it's not the same as hugs & face to face quality time.

I hope my mama has a good Mother's Day a whole country away from us... I will miss her so much, but am so blessed that she is only a timezone away & not a lifetime...  I think we're in for a mother daughter day when she gets home though!  I pray that I will be able to be as good as a mother as mine, actually I hope to be an even better mother, although I'm really not sure how that is possible!  But my mother taught me so much.  She always encouraged me, stood beside me, let me cry, tried to understand, taught me who God was & taught me to learn to see myself through His eyes.  I am a woman & was a girl.  Sure I experienced insecurities, and still do, but I have always known who I was in the eyes of my Lord.  In the core, my heart of hearts, I know, I may fight with all my might to believe it sometimes, but there is no doubt.  I have my mother to thank for that.  She always believed in me, always loved me, always told me I was beautiful.  She raised me from a little baby, I made her cry many times & I'm sure I drove her half crazy, a lot of the time, I am a girl after all!  But she never stopped loving me.  I am so thankful for the example I had of a godly woman.  I hope I can be an example to my daughter.

I am learning what little girls are made of.  My beautiful little daughter is just over 2 years old now.  I am learning so much about myself while raising her.  I am challenged so often by my pint size mini me.  I have found the things that drive me nuts the most about my daughter are things that I see in myself!  I wonder if it was the same for my mother?  I wonder if I challenged her to grow so she could be "worthy" of raising me.  I'm pretty sure I was and am her treasure, Abigail is mine.  I love watching my little girl practically prance around the neighborhood, walk in my heels & face life with a pure joy I have never seen before.  Before you think girls are a dream, the truth is, they're not!  They are emotional little people, even when so young!  Abigail is actually great right now, but a couple months ago, she had to have a little extra "loving work" put into her! 

I wondered why God ever gave me a little girl, boys are so much more simple!  I think he gave me a little girl to challenge me.  To make me a more godly woman.  To teach me humility.  To bless me.  Because the bottom line is that Abigail is one of my 4 greatest blessings.  She is the only blessing that has come in a pink package, but the joys of that pink package are amazing!!!  She is teaching me so much and she is the sweetest little girl ever!  I look forward to all the girly things that I get to experience with her.  I love her hugs, girls just know how to hug!  There is no one more beautiful than my daughter, she is beauty inside shining out. 



My Mama is beauty inside shining out as well.  I have never met somebody who didn't like my mom... And if they didn't we're probably not friends, since I'm probably a lot like my mom!  My mama loves people.  She loves me, my husband and my kids.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  I hurt for those who do not know their mothers, who cannot look at their mothers with love.  Who have not known the love a mother.  I know in this next season of our lives I'll be seeing more kids who don't know the love of a mother.  I pray that they will find that love in our home.  I pray that I will be a godly woman who can share my love with the little friends my children bring home.  I pray that God will fill in all the gaps that my imperfect mothering cannot.  That one day my children will look at me and see a godly woman and be thankful for the example I was for them.  I have so much to learn, so much to strive for.  My mothering journey is only 6 years in after all!  May the grace of God rest on me and my house, may his presence be felt in our home, and may he reign in our lives.