Ramblings

It's hard to believe that another school year is coming to a close. This has been the hardest school year ever for me. I have also learned a lot and grown a lot. I do not like to grow, although I know it is essential! 

I have said over and over that I love our school. I will say it again, I do love our school. But just because I love the people there doesn't mean it's a good fit for all my children. School doesn't get out until next Thursday, but Dominic has been out of school for about two weeks now. Or maybe it's just been a week and the prior week was the foreshadowing week, I honestly can't remember at this moment. You see, that scary word, homeschool, has been something running through my mind throughout this entire year. It's the back up plan, the if I really have to do it then I will plan. It's now the plan for next year...

Dominic for whatever reason is done. School was not working for him... He is extremely bright, but the box just doesn't fit everybody. We spent an entire school year walking this out, making adjustments, trying new things. But then when it came down to the end of it, there was nowhere else to go. I realized I could continue to try to make this work, to try and shove you in this box, but what I came to realize is that the box is just not meant for you. In about a matter of a week I saw that this wasn't going to work and I saw that if I tried to make it work it was my boy who was going to be hurt. Since we all know that's not an option, we are starting a new adventure. 

This coming fall I will be homeschooling my oldest child. My middle child will be going to first grade at public school and my youngest will be in preschool. There will be no category in life to describe our life choices. I will not be a home school mom, or a public school mom, or just a preschool mom. I will be simply a mom... A mom trying to juggle what is best for each of my three very unique amazing little people. I'm not exactly sure where that makes me fit in the scope of motherhood, because people seem to always want to put mother's in boxes too. It begins from the time that you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. You are a "first time" mom, then you choose to be a "working" or "stay at home" mom. We put labels on everything and frankly the labels don't work. You are never defined by just one thing, yet we draw these silly lines in the sand. 

I've never really been a fan of labels or lines in the sand or anything along those lines. So the thought of being a little of everything doesn't scare me too much... Until I think at night, who is going to want to hang out with a girl that is being pulled so many directions and doesn't fit any one lifestyle? I'm not kidding, stupid things like that keep me up, I even texted one of my girlfriends and made her promise to still hang out with me even though I'm going to be homeschooling. Really, we've been friends probably over a decade now and I feel the need to make sure she'll still like me??? Yep, I'm a crazy woman! But I guess when life is changing sometimes you gotta make sure that you still got people on your side, and I say that because I have had my friends carry me through many hard times and I've carried them too. 

As I've delved into next year I've gone through so many emotions. But the overwhelming emotion is relief. I know me and I know my kids. I know it will be different and hard, but also in a more important aspect it will be rewarding and fun. I am excited for next year, I have no idea what exactly it will look like. I have thoughts, but until I'm there I really have no idea. I worry about how I'm going to make it to the things that have always been fulfilling and important to me. But somehow I will make it to Gabe's class once a week and hopefully MOPS. 

In the last week or so it has been so nice having Dominic home. I'm confident that Dominic will keep turning back more and more into the Dominic that we have always known and loved. He had a rough time at school and was starting to become very angry with the world. I know that this is not my boy, and in the short time that we've decided on our life change I've seen him slowly getting happier. Do I expect him to be perfect, definitely not! He will still be full of more energy than I could ever hope to harness, he will still be distracted by the wind, he will still sing around the house at the top of his lungs (we really are working on harnessing the noise), and he will still rage at the injustices of the world and still fight with his siblings, hopefully less... But the undercurrent of his life will be joy. And that is all I could ever ask for.

Love Wins

Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is picking your little boy up from school ready to blow. Love is staying calm as he's yelling at you & the world while you wait for him to buckle his seat belt. Love is making sure all the other kids are taken care of so you can sit and listen to your boy rage at the world. Love is once getting the others taken care of going upstairs only to find your boy has run back outside. Love is bringing him back into his room and telling him he has a choice and you're there to listen when he's ready. It's seeing he can't calm down and having him lay out on the floor while you massage his back. Love is with every fiber of your being wanting to erupt like Mt St Helen's and forcing it back. It's dying to yourself, your own selfish desires and expectations. It is putting somebody else's needs before your own. And then the beauty of love is when you get it right, even just for a minute... When the tears stop, the world takes a breath and a little boy apologizes. The apology is sincere, but the result only lasts a moment, until the next disappointment, because today is one of those days. 

One of those days were even the simplest answer is met with rage, tears and yelling. Where you are mystified and you have nothing. Nothing but the resolve to let love win today. I will let love win today if it kills me. I will hear every last yell of how terrible I am and I will not let it win. I know that this is not logic speaking, it is not my son speaking & that no matter how I fight it I will lose. But I will be a bigger loser if I do not let love win, maybe someday he will look back and see that love won. Maybe he will see how no matter out of line he was today that his mother didn't react in anger, she reacted in love... And maybe someday that will mean something to him. 

Until that day I will hold onto that little glistening hope that this too shall pass. Because today that is all the hope I have. I am tired and I am broken. But somewhere in the midst of this I love. I am not loving by my own strength today, mine is gone. I have nothing else to hold onto but that His love is stronger than mine. God has seen me through many storms and he will see me through this as well. I will fail constantly, but I will remember this high within the storm because today the storm didn't beat me and that's not something I can say everyday. So, thank you, Lord, for showing me that in our darkest hours your love can still and will still prevail. And you love to make broken things new, into something more beautiful than imaginable... I cannot wait to see what you turn my son into and even me through this process as well. You must have something beautiful for us, I just know it.  

$40 Challenge Plan

Alright, so I have challenged myself to spend only $40 on groceries for the next two weeks. This is a huge challenge for me, especially considering that I easily spend that on our produce alone... But it's fun to do something different.

So, I looked in my freezer, which is pretty well stocked right now. This has not always been true for us in past years, a couple years ago there is no way I would have been able to do this challenge. Today when I looked out there I had some leftover creamy chicken tomato soup, and 3 freezer meals ready to go! Right off the bat I had four dinners, 9 more to go (we're having Easter with the family so that's one meal I don't have to plan). I inventoried mainly my meat, because if I don't have to buy meat then I can pull this off.

This is my menu that I came up with...
Creamy Chicken Tomato Soup;     leftovers
Honey Rosemary Chicken;            freezer meal
Orange Teryaki Chicken;                already marinading
Hawaiian Chicken;                          freezer meal;                      green bell pepper
Chicken Divan
Homemade Mac & Cheese
Almond Crusted Tilapia                                                              1/2 cup almonds
Crockpot Sweet Garlic Chicken                                                  lemon lime soda
Buffalo Chicken Spaghetti Squash                                              spaghetti squash
Carnitas Tamale Pie                                                                      pepper jack cheese
Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches                               bottle of Franks buffalo wing sauce
Fiesta Nacho Chicken Bake                                                         can tomatoes with green chilies
Slow Cooker Pork Chops                                                            potatoes

I picked really simple recipes that also happen to be ones that we love! When I go shopping I usually try to buy a little extra of the things that we use all the time, which builds up my pantry stock slowly. Then if I want to splurge, on some steak or something, I can with still being able to make meals we love the rest of the week. And I also have a very creative husband who cooks me amazing food probably more often than I cook for him... I'm super spoiled, I know. He has this ability to look around and see what we have and make it, where I'm the recipe queen that if I don't have a plan and my recipes I end up not cooking! I can always pull boring stuff out of thin air, but that doesn't interest my husband who can pull amazing stuff out of thin air!

Then the other real challenge about my $40 for two weeks is lunches and breakfast. The kids mostly eat cereal or eggs, we have enough cereal to make it through. If I buy milk & let them have it only on their cereal I think I can stretch a gallon for a week. I'll buy two loaves of bread and that will have to do, I do have some chili that is a lunch favorite for the boys (thank God for thermoses). So if I buy a big thing of eggs that will work for breakfasts & if I hard boil some they're a favorite snack too. I have maybe a day or two worth of apples sitting on the counter and half a bag of frozen Costco blueberries, so once the apples are gone they can snack on those. They also have been warped from the time they were babies and love frozen mixed veggies, so they have those for snacks & in lunches. I can throw side dishes together with the other stuff we have hanging around the pantry and freezer. I made my grocery list for the next two weeks and priced out what everything normally costs and I come in just under $40, by my guess it will be $36. Now I just need to tuck my little lady in for her nap and once she wakes up we can venture out to Winco. Although Winco may wait till tomorrow and we could have a little cobb salad for dinner tonight, yep that sounds way better!

In To Deep

Do you ever have those seasons where you get so caught up in everything and then you realize, "oh no! I got in to deep!". Tonight is the first night in awhile that I haven't been able to get to sleep. I thought I was doing a pretty good job in the last couple of months and now I'm seeing I did it again. The problem is when my focus shifts outside my four walls. I'm not saying that I don't know what's going on or have no life outside my four walls, but it's a matter of doing too much, focusing on to many things. The reality is that my little family is about all I can focus on if I want to keep the peaceful loving environment that is best for us all.

These last few days I've been doing exactly what I'm supposed to do. I have not over committed myself and as a result we've had some amazing days. But when I glanced at the calendar I felt the dread of commitments. It's hard to admit but I love my kids better when I'm not over committed because overcommitment makes me less of a mother, I cannot go so many directions and do it well. I realize that that should be a simple thing to see but for some reason it has always slipped past my brain. I do love to go and do things and see people but either I've always been an introvert or I have turned into one in my "old age". Either way, overcommitment is not a good thing for me.

My goal in life is to do it well, but if I cannot respect who I am than I can never succeed in doing life well. If I do not respect who I am I cannot teach my children to respect who they are, how God uniquely created and made them. I want nothing more than for my children to know who they are, to be confident in themselves and in our God. When I am worrying about what happens next I don't take the time to sit with the kids in the morning over their breakfast and do our devotions. I do not engage with them the same way, I am distracted. I go through the motions but the heart isn't there, they may not notice that the heart is missing, but I know that soon they will be old enough that they will recognize when I'm just going through the motions. I just want to say too, it's ok if you're just going through the motions because eventually the heart will catch up and you'll realize that something is a little off, sometimes the motions is all you can do... That's just not where I am today.

I honestly could never have put a finger on what I'm saying until I was laying in bed tonight freaking out. I realized that this is what keeps me awake at night, overcommitment. And trying to keep everybody around me happy. I've kept people out of my life the last few days and it's been wonderful. Sorry, it's the brutal truth and it's nothing personal. I've just finally recognized that I cannot be everything to everyone. Unfortunately this means that I've gotta make some tough decisions and have some heart talks because I've gotten myself in to deep. I also am so thankful for all the people that love me and are so gracious with me. One of those people is my poor mother, I had to reschedule our day together that we've been trying to figure out since January or February. I am also so very thankful for her because I know that she's not holding it to my account, that she loves me despite my many flaws, one of which I just figured out tonight on yet another sleepless night. She understands how hard it is to balance a family.

Balancing a family is hard work. It is not something that gets easier as they get older, at least not in this stage of our lives. I relish in the fact that next year I will consistently get two whole hours to myself once a week. I also have this sneaky feeling that those two hours will be stolen up if I don't guard them like the gold that I see them to be. I have a feeling that even when I guard them with my life it will often be interrupted with the needs of those around me, namely my children!

If there is anything this year has taught me it is that you never know what is going to happen. You don't know what is going to happen next year, next month, next week, tomorrow or even an hour from now (I'm really hoping to fall asleep, but no guarantees). This is why I have to make those hard decisions, that is why I have to prioritize, to say no to good things, to have hard talks because I've over committed myself. This is my life. I stumble my way through, I make mistakes, I get wrapped up in the excitement and forget that I cannot do everything because I only have so much energy and what energy I give outside these four walls takes something away from my first calling, which is to be a good wife to my husband and loving mother to my children.

It's time to take a deep breath. It's time to settle into my nest and really look. Time is so short, a day often feels like but a whisper when I look at my children's sleeping faces. I need to look at my life and see what matters most and let my actions match. This has been a learning year for me. I've learned that there are things that I am just not meant to do and other things that bring unmeasurable joy to my life. There are also things that are just not right for this time in my life, maybe they will be later, but not today and that is ok. My heart has grown and opened up in ways I never thought possible a year ago. I am beyond content with my life. I also know that if I want to stay in that place of contentment I need to learn to say no more because it is the when a thousand things pull me in a thousand directions that I reach that place of exhaustion and exhaustion leaves room for nothing else. So tonight I am awake, but I know that tomorrow I will sleep.

Is It About Me?

Sitting contemplating... What if it is about me? It is so not about me, but so very much about me all at the same time. What if every life moment I have had has led up to here, where I am. I do believe that. That I would not be where I am today if I had not walked the path of yesterday. The path has been beautiful, exciting, hard, breathless and heart breaking. I could probably use every descriptive word in the English language and each would apply to my life. I am where I am today because of yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder if the struggles of yesterday have been there with the sole purpose to set us up for today. At least that could put a purpose to our experiences. I am really starting to believe that we needed to be where we are, not for us, but for our kids. It's not about me. My children are being raised in a community that loves and supports them. Our school is small enough that every face is familiar and many are friendly acquaintances and some friends. This is where we need to be, there is power in knowing those around you. We are enveloped in love.

Still though, it could be entirely about me. I've been tired, I haven't always been 100%. I can get my priorities mixed up and then there I am, forgetting what is most important. I've been contemplating and adjusting and I think I'm onto sometime. I am still a complete work in progress. But now is the time to stand up and take claim. It's time to claim what has been lost, where I have failed I claim victory, and I will march onto tomorrow. I am done with today and yesterday and tomorrow is a day of victory. I will sing a new song, I will forget what is past. 

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12 

This is the verse I proclaim over my family today. This is who we are. We are God's children and we will not be defeated. We will stand on our faith and we will go out in joy and peace. Whatever battles we face we will march in confidence because we have already won. We will dance into battle because it is not ours to fight. We fight from our knees and dance in our spirits. We are Farr's. And if it is about me, after all, then this is how I lead.

Where We Are; The Honest Truth

This world I have entered into is nothing as I ever dreamed it would be. I cannot even tell you quite where I am. I can try to share, to help you see, but I do not even know if I can wrap my whole mind around it. 

This has been a year I could never be prepared for. Dominic is in first grade and he is a very smart boy. We all think our kids are smart and I don't say this to brag because what I'm really doing is pointing out one of his strengths. He has an amazing mind. But with this amazing mind we are beginning to wonder if there is something else happening within his body. You see, Dominic has been struggling with appropriate behavior at school, much of which I think is related to sensory. In complete honesty, we have been on a path of beginning to delve into the world of diagnoses and evaluations... And let me tell you, this is not an easy place to be, it seems like nobody knows what they're doing or looking for or even what the next step is. Because if Dominic does have something "out of the ordinary" going on, he does not fit in a pretty little box called blank. What I am coming to realize is that probably most do not fit in that pretty little box. 

So as a mother with no idea what I am doing, I am beginning to fight. I am beginning to accept that we may need some help. And I am sadly beginning to see that this help is not going to be something that is just handed to me. No, I am once again pulling on my advocating boots and trying to figure out just what I need to do. I will fumble my way through this process, walk blindly, and hopefully come out with a better idea of who my son is and what he needs to thrive in the environments he is placed. 

I have my suspicions of what we may be dealing with. I have heard his teachers polite suggestions. We have been working endlessly with him. And I am exhausted. Exhausted because I do not think we will come to an answer that quick. This is going to be a process. I would just like the answers given to me, so we can then know how to proceed. With different possibilities come different toolboxes. One door opens another, which opens another. Unfortunately you cannot open many of these doors without something official, or so it seems. This weekend I was talking to a beloved friend that has gone down a similar road and is further along. She was able to give me a little more direction and help. I have found something that I can do right now, by right now I mean make some calls and probably get put on another waiting list, but probably not one so long.

Dominic is a very smart little boy. He has so many strengths. He is one of the most creative people I have ever met. He has a sweet beautiful heart that genuinely loves people. He is a wonderful friend and a polite boy. His teachers love him, they see the good in him, they do not let his struggles define him. For that I am so very thankful, because I'm beginning to think that that is not the normal response. I could go on and on about how much I love my boy, but that's not really what you need or want to see.

Through this motherhood journey I have been challenged from the day I became pregnant. I have grown and matured and been rewarded in so many ways. I have learned so much from watching my children and the experiences we have gone through have molded and shaped me. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be last year, helping in the kindergarten classroom, because I was loving on children that so desperately need love. That mission field has not changed, but my heart has grown. I see the kids struggling with appropriate behavior and I fall in love with them. I know that I can come beside them and help them to make some better choices. I know that I can invite them to sit with me and we can make it through the most challenging parts of the day (carpet time) with no issues. I have learned that scratching a child's back is like magic. And I have a kid that sees me sitting with him at lunch as a reward, who in fact asked today if he could sit by me. And my heart breaks, it grows and it overflows with love. These kids who sometimes struggle with appropriate behavior have the most beautiful hearts, with some you have to look a little deeper than others. But I know, once again, that I am where I am supposed to be when a little boy asks to sit with me a lunch and another gives me little notes and tells me that he loves me. Yeah, not kidding... Having a heart that loves makes a huge difference and I am so thankful for my children building in me a heart that loves, even those that some might think are unlovable.

So, while I may be exhausted and uncertain of what exactly we are dealing with on a personal level, I see growth in me. I know that growth in me will pass to my children. I know that even when it feels like I'm all alone that God sees me. He knows me and he knows my child, intimately. I know that when I am empty he will fill me up. And I will write. I will write because it helps me process. I will write because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I will write because I know that the people who love me will see my heart and understand when I may not make sense. And the people that want to judge me or my children are not worth my time, it may sound harsh, but it's the truth. I will forever stand by my child and whatever he faces and proclaim to the world that he is amazing and I love him.

Cliff Diving

Here I sit again...  I cannot even begin to put words to all the thoughts rushing through my head.  I cannot begin to spout words of wisdom or encouragement.  I have nothing.  I am tired, I don't know what the right thing to do is and I'm living on a prayer that today was just a bump and that we are not about to fall off the cliff again.  I hate that cliff, whatever it may be I hate the darn thing.  I know it's a place where I can learn and grow and that we will come out better, but I would prefer to fall off the cliff alone and not while holding my child's hand.  Life is not fair.  How many times do I say those words to my children, especially my one that sees the world in a bold black and white.  I love my black and white child, but I do not want to jump off the cliff.  I don't want to be sitting here with my legs dangling over the edge wondering if we're going to be pushed off, because let's face it, you never jump off it willingly.  Life is not fair.  

I love the rolling meadows, the fields of wild flowers.  I want to live in the beautiful and float on a cloud.  But life is not full of rolling meadows of wild flowers, life is a mountain range.  It is beautiful views on top of the mountains you climb, but it is also cliffs, raging rivers, avalanches...  I don't get to come to the top of the mountain and build a beautiful house and plant myself in that heaven for the rest of my life.  No, I get to climb a mountain and build an alter and again lay my life down and into the hands of my savior who brought me up the mountain in the first place.  And he can then say we have a new journey to go on, a new cliff to dive off so we can climb a new mountain.  Then I guess sometimes we just get to go cliff diving and then climb the same mountain taking a different route. And this is life.  A beautiful adventure... 

Maybe I shouldn't look at cliff diving with my child as a thing to fear, but a thing to treasure.  Maybe if we cliff dive together as he's growing up, we'll be better for it as the years come. Maybe this cliff diving isn't even really about me.  Maybe we are doing this so I can teach my son how to dive, how to face the mountain range of life and come out on top ready to build an alter to our Lord that brought us through.  I guess with this perspective I can take a deep breath, calm myself, hold on tight and let my feet dangle, unsure if this is a dive we're taking or a big rock with a view to where we've come from.