Is It About Me?

Sitting contemplating... What if it is about me? It is so not about me, but so very much about me all at the same time. What if every life moment I have had has led up to here, where I am. I do believe that. That I would not be where I am today if I had not walked the path of yesterday. The path has been beautiful, exciting, hard, breathless and heart breaking. I could probably use every descriptive word in the English language and each would apply to my life. I am where I am today because of yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder if the struggles of yesterday have been there with the sole purpose to set us up for today. At least that could put a purpose to our experiences. I am really starting to believe that we needed to be where we are, not for us, but for our kids. It's not about me. My children are being raised in a community that loves and supports them. Our school is small enough that every face is familiar and many are friendly acquaintances and some friends. This is where we need to be, there is power in knowing those around you. We are enveloped in love.

Still though, it could be entirely about me. I've been tired, I haven't always been 100%. I can get my priorities mixed up and then there I am, forgetting what is most important. I've been contemplating and adjusting and I think I'm onto sometime. I am still a complete work in progress. But now is the time to stand up and take claim. It's time to claim what has been lost, where I have failed I claim victory, and I will march onto tomorrow. I am done with today and yesterday and tomorrow is a day of victory. I will sing a new song, I will forget what is past. 

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12 

This is the verse I proclaim over my family today. This is who we are. We are God's children and we will not be defeated. We will stand on our faith and we will go out in joy and peace. Whatever battles we face we will march in confidence because we have already won. We will dance into battle because it is not ours to fight. We fight from our knees and dance in our spirits. We are Farr's. And if it is about me, after all, then this is how I lead.

Where We Are; The Honest Truth

This world I have entered into is nothing as I ever dreamed it would be. I cannot even tell you quite where I am. I can try to share, to help you see, but I do not even know if I can wrap my whole mind around it. 

This has been a year I could never be prepared for. Dominic is in first grade and he is a very smart boy. We all think our kids are smart and I don't say this to brag because what I'm really doing is pointing out one of his strengths. He has an amazing mind. But with this amazing mind we are beginning to wonder if there is something else happening within his body. You see, Dominic has been struggling with appropriate behavior at school, much of which I think is related to sensory. In complete honesty, we have been on a path of beginning to delve into the world of diagnoses and evaluations... And let me tell you, this is not an easy place to be, it seems like nobody knows what they're doing or looking for or even what the next step is. Because if Dominic does have something "out of the ordinary" going on, he does not fit in a pretty little box called blank. What I am coming to realize is that probably most do not fit in that pretty little box. 

So as a mother with no idea what I am doing, I am beginning to fight. I am beginning to accept that we may need some help. And I am sadly beginning to see that this help is not going to be something that is just handed to me. No, I am once again pulling on my advocating boots and trying to figure out just what I need to do. I will fumble my way through this process, walk blindly, and hopefully come out with a better idea of who my son is and what he needs to thrive in the environments he is placed. 

I have my suspicions of what we may be dealing with. I have heard his teachers polite suggestions. We have been working endlessly with him. And I am exhausted. Exhausted because I do not think we will come to an answer that quick. This is going to be a process. I would just like the answers given to me, so we can then know how to proceed. With different possibilities come different toolboxes. One door opens another, which opens another. Unfortunately you cannot open many of these doors without something official, or so it seems. This weekend I was talking to a beloved friend that has gone down a similar road and is further along. She was able to give me a little more direction and help. I have found something that I can do right now, by right now I mean make some calls and probably get put on another waiting list, but probably not one so long.

Dominic is a very smart little boy. He has so many strengths. He is one of the most creative people I have ever met. He has a sweet beautiful heart that genuinely loves people. He is a wonderful friend and a polite boy. His teachers love him, they see the good in him, they do not let his struggles define him. For that I am so very thankful, because I'm beginning to think that that is not the normal response. I could go on and on about how much I love my boy, but that's not really what you need or want to see.

Through this motherhood journey I have been challenged from the day I became pregnant. I have grown and matured and been rewarded in so many ways. I have learned so much from watching my children and the experiences we have gone through have molded and shaped me. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be last year, helping in the kindergarten classroom, because I was loving on children that so desperately need love. That mission field has not changed, but my heart has grown. I see the kids struggling with appropriate behavior and I fall in love with them. I know that I can come beside them and help them to make some better choices. I know that I can invite them to sit with me and we can make it through the most challenging parts of the day (carpet time) with no issues. I have learned that scratching a child's back is like magic. And I have a kid that sees me sitting with him at lunch as a reward, who in fact asked today if he could sit by me. And my heart breaks, it grows and it overflows with love. These kids who sometimes struggle with appropriate behavior have the most beautiful hearts, with some you have to look a little deeper than others. But I know, once again, that I am where I am supposed to be when a little boy asks to sit with me a lunch and another gives me little notes and tells me that he loves me. Yeah, not kidding... Having a heart that loves makes a huge difference and I am so thankful for my children building in me a heart that loves, even those that some might think are unlovable.

So, while I may be exhausted and uncertain of what exactly we are dealing with on a personal level, I see growth in me. I know that growth in me will pass to my children. I know that even when it feels like I'm all alone that God sees me. He knows me and he knows my child, intimately. I know that when I am empty he will fill me up. And I will write. I will write because it helps me process. I will write because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I will write because I know that the people who love me will see my heart and understand when I may not make sense. And the people that want to judge me or my children are not worth my time, it may sound harsh, but it's the truth. I will forever stand by my child and whatever he faces and proclaim to the world that he is amazing and I love him.

Cliff Diving

Here I sit again...  I cannot even begin to put words to all the thoughts rushing through my head.  I cannot begin to spout words of wisdom or encouragement.  I have nothing.  I am tired, I don't know what the right thing to do is and I'm living on a prayer that today was just a bump and that we are not about to fall off the cliff again.  I hate that cliff, whatever it may be I hate the darn thing.  I know it's a place where I can learn and grow and that we will come out better, but I would prefer to fall off the cliff alone and not while holding my child's hand.  Life is not fair.  How many times do I say those words to my children, especially my one that sees the world in a bold black and white.  I love my black and white child, but I do not want to jump off the cliff.  I don't want to be sitting here with my legs dangling over the edge wondering if we're going to be pushed off, because let's face it, you never jump off it willingly.  Life is not fair.  

I love the rolling meadows, the fields of wild flowers.  I want to live in the beautiful and float on a cloud.  But life is not full of rolling meadows of wild flowers, life is a mountain range.  It is beautiful views on top of the mountains you climb, but it is also cliffs, raging rivers, avalanches...  I don't get to come to the top of the mountain and build a beautiful house and plant myself in that heaven for the rest of my life.  No, I get to climb a mountain and build an alter and again lay my life down and into the hands of my savior who brought me up the mountain in the first place.  And he can then say we have a new journey to go on, a new cliff to dive off so we can climb a new mountain.  Then I guess sometimes we just get to go cliff diving and then climb the same mountain taking a different route. And this is life.  A beautiful adventure... 

Maybe I shouldn't look at cliff diving with my child as a thing to fear, but a thing to treasure.  Maybe if we cliff dive together as he's growing up, we'll be better for it as the years come. Maybe this cliff diving isn't even really about me.  Maybe we are doing this so I can teach my son how to dive, how to face the mountain range of life and come out on top ready to build an alter to our Lord that brought us through.  I guess with this perspective I can take a deep breath, calm myself, hold on tight and let my feet dangle, unsure if this is a dive we're taking or a big rock with a view to where we've come from.

 

Natural Progression

I have always said that children naturally progress on their own.  My children have always moved onto the next milestone without too much effort, like a little light goes on in their head and they get it.  I would say that I am a pretty easy going parent, I know that it can be hard to sit back and say that they will naturally progress, but they will.  They are little people after all and will do things in their own time and their own way.  I don't like to force things in life, I like to know that what a person does or says is because it is truly what they desire to do or what they really think, not because it's the right answer or I told them they had to.  I believe in authenticity.  I think, in that, I believe in God given progress, we are after all God designed, so it's only logical that he would design us to progress into what we need when we need it.

My boys couldn't be more different.  I have Dominic my always ahead academically child who struggles with being a student and then I have Gabe who is a model student that is just a pinch behind academically.  But this week I saw my Dominic make great strides at being a better student and Gabe making great strides in his academic performance. 

In my experiences not always is that progress easy.  We have had a fall season full of work.  We have worked to get where we are.  I have spent hours working with Gabe to help him get to where he needs to be.  I have spent even more time and sleepless nights trying to figure out how to help Dominic thrive.  We have been blessed with an amazing school and teachers who have worked with us all to get to where we are.  I am beyond thankful for the time that I get to spend at school in my kids classrooms because none of the obstacles have taken me by surprise and when we come to them it's much easier to figure it out with somebody you know and that you know is on your side.

I know even in my own life that a lot of these "natural progressions" have come through hours on my knees begging to get through.  I would not be who I am without having gone through what I have, fought the battles I have fought and come out on the other side forever changed.  I know I am growing in character and the pain is worth the reward, even if the reward isn't seen on this side of heaven.  The greatest rewards we won't see here on this earth, they are waiting for us on the other side.  Talk about an encouragement, because I don't know if you're like me, but there are some pretty awesome rewards here, all I have to do is look in on my sleeping children and into the eyes of my husband who loves me more than I can even understand.  I am beyond blessed, no matter the struggle I come out praising the God who brought me through.  It is his strength that beings me through and his blessings are all around me. 

Restoration of Hope

Dare I begin to dream again?  Oh, Lord, let your blessings continue to shower down.  I say continue because even as we have been in a tough season he has been so faithful to uphold us and carry us through.  Our love for each other has never faultered in the face of life's trials and loss.  Our faith in the hope that Jesus gives us has been hard fought for.  And while we are still right where we were a month ago, 4 years ago, there are some changes on the horizon.  Is resoration beginning?  I dare to dream, to hope, because that is who I am.  I know that God has good things for us and I know that in all this I have laid myself down and accepted that my hope, if in heaven alone, is enough for me.  And it still is.  I just see the potential of blessings on the horizion, and with my dreamer spirit I cannot help but believe for better things.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

There is no doubt of where favor comes from.  Only God could bring us through and give us more than we could ask or imagine.  I believe that God has good things for us and I held onto that when I saw no good with my eyes and I will always hold onto that.  When the world is dark my light comes from Him alone.  And when I cannot see his light, I feel it within me.  There have been many times that I've had to fight to feel it, to know that he longs to bless us, to give us a future.  He never promised an easy life, he told us it's a battle and it is, but when we can no longer fight it, he will fight for us.  He will always fight for us, we only need to ask him.  

There are more battles to face.  Our road is by no means over.  But the hope of restoration brings me to my knees with gratitude overflowing.  Tears are falling as I write this because I could not be more thankful that my God has not forgotten me.  All glory goes to him alone, because our human hands cannot bring the love of Jesus to our world, our home.  Thank you, Lord, for restoring hope and a future.  You are good, so very good to us.

It's Really About Service

I have a great marriage.  I do not say it lightly or with pride.  I say it to state a fact...  Do I have a perfect marriage?  No, not at all, not even close.  I fail daily, I have some things I am working on and I'm not always sunshine & butterflies.  That being said, I have a great marriage.  I've spent my life observing marriages, more so after I got married as I knew more married people then.  I have observed many many couples, some with marriages that I would say are great and some that I would say are not so great and some that I would even say are toxic.  

I was wondering to myself this night, why do some people have these just hard marriages.  I know details of a lot of them and could tell you their struggles and what they're doing right and what they're doing wrong, but that's not what I'm doing.  I'm not calling people out, because I am not qualified to do that and I don't judge, I just observe, mostly because I'm nosey.  What I have decided is that the reason I have a great marriage is because I serve my husband.  And in return he serves me.

I realized this as I was in the kitchen with my husband this evening with his parents and we were bantering over who was more spoiled.  I said, "I have never met a more spoiled husband than you." His reply was the same.  Now, in my head I could try to list ways that other women are more spoiled than me, but I realized with the things that counted most to me, it was true, I am a very spoiled wife.  I have been constructively criticized before for spoiling my husband and that I do it more than I should.  But as I've gotten older I realized, spoiling my man is a good thing.  Because I'm not really spoiling him, I am serving him.  I am putting his needs before my own wants.  I am saying that the health of our marriage directly effects the health of who I am as an individual.  And I am saying that he is worth the couple extra minutes to do the little things that make him feel valued and loved and served.

It's funny how society says to take what you can and to look out for yourself, but if you truly want to love and have purpose in life you do just the opposite.  Fulfillment is found in service.  It's found outside of myself.  It's in the every day of raising children and loving my husband.  It's in the monotonous tasks that are you never see the end and the only reason you do them is because they need to be done, but honey, that's service.

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Colossians 3:23

My attitude is the difference.  Am I doing this for myself or for my family?  You know one of my favorite kinds of people to make dinner for?  My hubby's single guy friends!  Do I even need to tell you why?  They always remind me that what I do matters, that's it's special, important, good...  Even if my children or even hubby have ceased to see the novelty of a home cooked meal, they remind me that no, indeed it is a act of service.  My attitude is the difference.

I often wonder if people even hear what I have to say.  Advice I have to give.  I can get frustrated with people's actions, attitudes and disregard.  But if somebody doesn't want to listen to what I have to say why should I care?  I am not responsible for them, I cannot live their lives for them.  I can share what I've learned and it is for them to decide what to do with said knowledge.  Maybe I am pretty insignificant to society, but I am not insignificant to my family and that is who I've been put on this earth to serve at this time in my life.  And if they are the only people that I touch in this world, then that is enough for me because they are my world.  Yes, I know I have touched people outside of my four walls, but this is all to say that I am ok with my four walls being it for me.  And I would say that if you want a life of fulfillment, stop looking at yourself and trying to serve yourself, look at the people within your four walls and then as you can extend that service as far as you can. 

 

I Cling

I was not built for this world.  I am not responsible for the pain, sorrow, and suffering of this world.  I cannot fix all the wrongs.  I cannot choose people's attitudes, perspectives and priorities.  I am responsible for myself, my own attitude, perspective and priorities.  I cannot let empathy rule over my life.  I can choose to not drown in the sorrows of the world.  I am strong enough because I cling to my savior.  

I cling.  Like a child who cannot swim would cling to a piling in the ocean as the tide is rising.  I cling because if I fall I will drown.  I am tired, I am worn out, but I will cling for all my life is worth.  I dig deep into my soul because I know that my father is going to come and lift me off the piling.  He will encircle his arms around me and I will find rest and safety.  But today I cling.  Because maybe sometimes we have to show that we believe, that we can dig deep.  Sometimes we are given just enough, just enough so we can remember our utter dependence on the one who knows us better than we know ourselves.  And when we think we've been clinging on the piling long enough, that it should be our time to thrive, we continue to cling because we know that his timing is perfect.  We know he has a purpose, we know he is building something beautiful and we know that indeed we will have a time to thrive. 

I am clinging.  I know it's not really a fun place to be.  It is not where all my dreams come true.  But I do believe that I am clinging because he is building something beautiful in me.  I know that when I come to a place of rest I will be glad for this time in my life, because at that point I will know that I would not be who I am then if I was not the person that I am now.  

As I cling I throw my hands back and surrender to the waters.  I float with my hands spread, my hair fanned around me and my body pushed by the tides stronger than I.  I am not in control, all I can do is surrender.  To fight is only to prolong the process.  Surrender is the ultimate clinging, surrender to the one whom I cling to, the one who always rescues me.