A Journey

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

~Jesus Culture~

Motherhood is hard.  It's the best job on earth, but the most challenging.  To know you are responsible for little souls & for so much of it all to be out of your control.  To constantly be in a period of growth.  Wanting to be better, the best for your children, but constantly questioning if it is enough.  To go from failure to triumph to failure again in the course of 10 minutes. Never will you be more sure & more insecure all in one moment.  To fight not just the judgements of others, but even worse your own judgements of yourself.  And to fail, over & over, not knowing what to do.  To feel so alone, but to crave space to yourself.  One thing, remains.

But the Lord says to you. "You will never know how high, how wide, how deep my love is for you.  I will never leave you, you are never alone.  The road you travel may be rough, but I will carry you through, I will sustain you.  I will be your strength.  I will give you wisdom when you need it most, when you ask.  I will never let you go.  You are my child & I love you.  My heart breaks for your pain, you are not alone.  My mercies are new every morning, your life is a gift.  I do not bring you through the fire to abandon you.  As the sun comes up in the morning, so my love shines on you.  You are precious & honored in my sight, I see no blemish in you.  I bring you through storms because I love you & desire to grow my character in you.  You do not fail me.  I will shine my light through you & my will, will be done.  Now, rest in me."

Motherhood.  It's what challenges me to grow spiritually.  It's what brings the greatest blessings & love that is stronger than steel.  It is the reason I'm not who I was 6 years ago.  It has bred patience, faith, trust, humility...  Humility.  Oh, that's been a hard one.  But I am glad that I'm not who I was yesterday.  Was yesterday's child that bad?  Not at all, but growth is beautiful.  There is beauty in pain, pain brings tears & tears bring refreshment & it all equals growth.  

What is my desire?  To be a woman of godly character.  To be a woman of grace.  To teach my children to love the Lord, that they will serve him.  

I do not know what my next season holds.  It has been a hard road, letting God work in my heart, running from God working in my heart, surrendering to God's work in my heart, seeing how running brought me to understanding & surrender.  Humility.  What an adventure it was.  At the beginning of the year I saw that that was the journey God was taking me on, that I had been on.  I submitted to the journey with fear & trembling, then I ran from the journey, only to find that oddly enough running was a part of the journey that needed to happen, to ultimately bring me to that place of surrendered humility.  Never would I advise running, lol!!! But personally I needed to fail to see just how humble I wasn't.  A few weeks ago that was part of what the Lord revealed to me.  I thought I might share it, because maybe somebody else needs to hear how much our loving father actually loves us.  It's just a little expert from my journal...  It's been my journey as of lately.  I think we've come to the end of that one, for now at least.  So, what does my next season hold?  My heart is surrendered.  But for now my soul is at rest...  I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I will fail, but in my failures & weaknesses, you will see God's unfailing love & strength.  

My desire is that God will use my imperfections to show his love.  That he will fill in the gaps, where I fall short he will deliver.  And my children were his first.  I cannot love them as completely as he does.  So, I take a breath, and try to move through another day.  I try to live a life of grace, and every time I fail I know he will be faithful to carry me through, bring me to the other side & teach me a little something more about being a woman of God.  

I'm praying for a season of rest.  In my rest I need God's wisdom.  His wisdom in raising these beautiful children he gave me.  I need a little more patience.  A little less busy.  A few disciple revelations.  These little people God gives us are nothing like each other.  What works for one doesn't for another.  And when you think you figured it out, it all changes again!  Children are beautiful creatures of wonder.  Every one of my little munchkins has something we're needing to focus on.  So, maybe this is a season of rest for me & growth for them.  Lord, give me wisdom, peace, patience & grace.  And let your will be done, may my those in my house always serve you alone.

An Artist?

Am I an artist? Is it possible that I am just an artist that has refused to ever admit that that alone is my calling? Is written word considered an art? Not that my writing is amazing, but is it possible that it's a gift that never has been fully explored. That the feelings of inadequacy and doubt have quenched what could have been a beautiful thing. There are so many people so much more talented than me in so many different areas, and people that are defiantly artists! But where I struggle to say what I mean in voice I can put to perfect sense on paper. I will get an idea in my head and cannot rest until the words have been put to it, or in some cases the project completed. I can be a dog with a bone and yet other times I can be completely uninspired. Are these just the woes a girl who has never admitted what she is, or hidden from it.

I grew up writing in my journal everyday... Sometimes multiple times a day. I fantasized and wrote little stories, I can describe a scene that would bring you to tears and enjoy it so thoroughly, although I think the only person I've ever shared that with is my mama!!! I can completely lose myself in a scene. Many times I feel awkward with the inability to fully express myself. My feelings are easily hurt, yet I hide it so well. I am like a rock that if you puncture it you would be amazed that it's actually soft inside, but I'm not really one to invite you in. Like I fight to be & know who I am. Yet I can share here, my craziest thoughts and am ok with it.

I am 27 years old and I can fight to figure out who I am, silly right? Normal, probably. Yeah, I don't feel extraordinary. I'm just me, I define myself as a wife, mother & friend. Maybe there is more to me... It may all sound like silly ramblings, but why else would I wake up at 4am and have to write in order to go to sleep again. My brain is the one thing that has always kept me up at night, grrrr. So, I guess maybe I'm still figuring out who I am and where I fit. But if I'm an artist, than maybe some more the pieces make a little more sense... Or maybe the title just doesn't fit.

Motherhood

So many thoughts, so little organization. Happy Mother's Day to me... Mother's day is one of those tricky days for me personally. It never seems to go the way I plan in my head. For instance, my very first mother's day I wanted to celebrate by having a picnic. So, we went to Camano State park and went for a little walk in the crazy cold wind, then ended up having our picnic in the car because it was just too cold! This is my 6th mother's day and I have yet to have the "perfect" day. But really that's motherhood. 

There is no perfect day. There are millions of great days, zillions of perfect moments, but a perfect day? No, life just doesn't work that way. We are all human and are too many things we cannot control. But it's those beautiful moments that make a perfect lifetime, because I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Not even the times where all 3 kids decide to melt down at the same time. 

The real beauty is in the learning. The knowledge that now my 5 year old son can control his emotions just a little better than he could a year ago. He's not perfect, he still has moments when I want to hide my head in the sand, but the beauty is that those moments don't happen as often as they did a year ago. He's growing and I get the witness the beauty of it, not only do I get to witness it I get to be a key ingredient to his growth & development. I am making a difference, even if at times it's hard to see. The same can be said for all 3 of my kids, their development is amazing, beautiful, miraculous.

Motherhood is a miraculous journey. As much as my children grow, mature, overcome, so do I. My children are my most beautiful achievement, and they're so far from being complete! Every season I watch new things unfold and am breathless with the people my munchkins are turning into. When they get it right, I am humbled, because somehow in all my learning & growing, they too grew. I guess I can never say that God didn't use me on this earth, because my children are a testimony that my life has purpose.

My Mother, My Daughter

At this time in 16 more days I will be getting to hug my mom!!! It's been too long.  They have been serving the Lord in Hawaii & Tahiti for the last 5 months.  I have missed my parents sooo much.  I am constantly hearing about Hawaii from my kids, wanting to know when Grandma & Grandpa will be home.  I miss being able to talk to my mom, hang out with her, watch her play with my children, getting hugs when I need them most.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother.  We had our share of struggles while I was growing up, but I have never met a more amazing woman than my mother.  She is a strong & loving woman.  She has experienced a lot of life in her lifetime & has grown in wisdom & grace.  My children are so lucky that I broke her in & made her such a wonderful grandmother!!! I cannot wait for her to be an actively present part of our lives again!  We have done the skype thing & talked on the phone, but it's not the same as hugs & face to face quality time.

I hope my mama has a good Mother's Day a whole country away from us... I will miss her so much, but am so blessed that she is only a timezone away & not a lifetime...  I think we're in for a mother daughter day when she gets home though!  I pray that I will be able to be as good as a mother as mine, actually I hope to be an even better mother, although I'm really not sure how that is possible!  But my mother taught me so much.  She always encouraged me, stood beside me, let me cry, tried to understand, taught me who God was & taught me to learn to see myself through His eyes.  I am a woman & was a girl.  Sure I experienced insecurities, and still do, but I have always known who I was in the eyes of my Lord.  In the core, my heart of hearts, I know, I may fight with all my might to believe it sometimes, but there is no doubt.  I have my mother to thank for that.  She always believed in me, always loved me, always told me I was beautiful.  She raised me from a little baby, I made her cry many times & I'm sure I drove her half crazy, a lot of the time, I am a girl after all!  But she never stopped loving me.  I am so thankful for the example I had of a godly woman.  I hope I can be an example to my daughter.

I am learning what little girls are made of.  My beautiful little daughter is just over 2 years old now.  I am learning so much about myself while raising her.  I am challenged so often by my pint size mini me.  I have found the things that drive me nuts the most about my daughter are things that I see in myself!  I wonder if it was the same for my mother?  I wonder if I challenged her to grow so she could be "worthy" of raising me.  I'm pretty sure I was and am her treasure, Abigail is mine.  I love watching my little girl practically prance around the neighborhood, walk in my heels & face life with a pure joy I have never seen before.  Before you think girls are a dream, the truth is, they're not!  They are emotional little people, even when so young!  Abigail is actually great right now, but a couple months ago, she had to have a little extra "loving work" put into her! 

I wondered why God ever gave me a little girl, boys are so much more simple!  I think he gave me a little girl to challenge me.  To make me a more godly woman.  To teach me humility.  To bless me.  Because the bottom line is that Abigail is one of my 4 greatest blessings.  She is the only blessing that has come in a pink package, but the joys of that pink package are amazing!!!  She is teaching me so much and she is the sweetest little girl ever!  I look forward to all the girly things that I get to experience with her.  I love her hugs, girls just know how to hug!  There is no one more beautiful than my daughter, she is beauty inside shining out. 



My Mama is beauty inside shining out as well.  I have never met somebody who didn't like my mom... And if they didn't we're probably not friends, since I'm probably a lot like my mom!  My mama loves people.  She loves me, my husband and my kids.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  I hurt for those who do not know their mothers, who cannot look at their mothers with love.  Who have not known the love a mother.  I know in this next season of our lives I'll be seeing more kids who don't know the love of a mother.  I pray that they will find that love in our home.  I pray that I will be a godly woman who can share my love with the little friends my children bring home.  I pray that God will fill in all the gaps that my imperfect mothering cannot.  That one day my children will look at me and see a godly woman and be thankful for the example I was for them.  I have so much to learn, so much to strive for.  My mothering journey is only 6 years in after all!  May the grace of God rest on me and my house, may his presence be felt in our home, and may he reign in our lives.

A Lifetime

There is something special about sleeping children. Last night I peeked in the kids rooms, just to see them sleeping. They are so beautiful & in that moment perfect. You forget that they were little monsters just a few short hours ago, testing patience you didn't even think you had! It's like looking at old pictures... They are quiet, beautiful, full of good memories and it's that moment you never want to forget and you are flooded with love all over again. Do you want to go back to that time? No, not if you fully remember it, really take the time to feel what was going on then. Life was made for moving forward, not living in the past. It was made to be a lifetime of joy & happiness, not a moment. It's the moments everyday that are special, the hug in the morning, the little hand in yours as you walk through the store, that over the years gets bigger & bigger. Yep, one day that little hand will be bigger than mine, but I am so glad that I get to be the one holding it. I love to look at pictures & remember, but if I remember hard enough I realize that I wouldn't want to go back because I would miss the now & the things to come.

I admit I was a little sad thinking that someday I won't be able to peek in on my sleeping children, once they're grown & on their own. But then I opened my bedroom door & was flooded with love all over again as I saw my husband sleeping in our bed. He's pretty amazing to watch sleeping as well, as I'm sure his mother thought at one point in time! When my children are gone, I will still have the man that helped me make such beautiful life. And I felt like the luckiest woman in the world, still do! And I might as well be honest, we're gonna have A LOT of fun when we don't have to find a babysitter anymore!!! Life was made for living, for moving on, for a lifetime of the little moments that make it amazing. And I cannot think of anything better than spending a lifetime loving my family.

Kitty Castle

 It was kitty castle weekend! We spent the whole weekend over at Nana & Papa's building the famed kitty castle. Seriously, I don't think there is a thing those Farr men cannot do! What started out as a little cabinet to hide the kitty's bathroom in, turned into a full on castle, compliments of my ingenious husband!


This last weekend we lived the good life. It was sunny outside, the kids ran around Nana & Papa's yard. Dominic & Gabriel got to nail things & stain Papa's fence, they had so much fun helping. There is nothing better than spending time with family, having good conversations, working side by side, it's my own personal heaven on earth.

Reptile Man

This is how we spent Wednesday morning. The Reptile Man came to preschool! All three of the kids loved it! I think Abigail had the silliest permi-grin on her face the whole time. She was in love with the tortoise! She cried so hard every time I took her off so another kid could have a turn sitting on him. I managed to get a pic of all three kids together, courtesy of Mr Tortoise!

Dominic had a doctor appointment today and they got suckers when they left. Gabriel and his cousin, Conner, picked out blue suckers. When we were driving home Dominic was laughing at their blue tongues. I asked him what the reptile man had said about blue tongues, one of the lizards had a blue tongue. He told me, "they trick you. they make other animals think they have poison." That kid remembers what you say. He is my smarty pants and you only need to tell him something one time and he will remember.

Gabriel had no problem jumping with the enjoyment. Although I would say he was a little unsure about the crocodile on his head! I love his little grin, like he just doesn't know what to think, but his brother wasn't afraid. Abigail was meant to live with the reptiles! When he was giving his talk she goes running up to see the cobra, of course I'm chasing her, but that girl has no fear!

I loved seeing my kids smiles. I will always remember these fun things that we get to do. I don't know if they'll remember these times of when they're little, but I know I will always treasure these moments. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is priceless. And I love days like these, when we get to play all day and do special things. We are so blessed.