I Hate Perfection

Call me crazy but I hate perfection. I hate that this is what our world glorifies. If you don't believe me, go check out social media. Our world has set this standard of perfection that no person can achieve. People try to live up to this ridiculous standard as they stalk each other in a cyber world that they have come to believe is real life! It is absurd. People, amazing people I know and love more than anything, try to hold themselves up to these impossible standards and fail. Perfection is the killer of joy and life. 

Real life is messy. It's a bunch of unanswered questions. Life is going through the ups and downs with good people pulling you along. And yet as we all chase perfection we ostracize ourselves. The only way to live a perfect life it to never let anybody in to see the mess. There are so many people who won't let anybody in because they're afraid for people to see who they really are. They are afraid that they won't live up to the standards of all those perfect people they see all around them. But here's the news flash, NOBODY IS PERFECT!!! So why don't you all just get down and dirty. 

I know it's scary to be vulnerable. And no, not everybody will agree with you. And there are going to be some personalities that you just don't get along with. But that's ok, you don't have to click with every person you meet, but if you're real you've at least given yourself a chance. We are all different and that is the beauty of the human race. Our differences aren't wrong they are what make us individuals and what makes us beautiful. We see things differently so we can challenge each other to see the world in a whole new way. We challenge each other to grow and push each other to a new perspective. We were made to compliment each other, not to compete.

And just to start the ball rolling... My name is Courtney, I am a wife and a mother to three beautiful children. We are a work in progress. I am constantly learning to be a better mother as I was never equipped to do this motherhood job, it's a job that equips you as you go. I will be home schooling our oldest child for the first time this year because he has some sensory struggles but the most intelligent mind and beautiful heart in the world. My middle son will be starting first grade in a few short weeks and he has a stubborn personality that never ceases to make me smile and remind me that life is good. My daughter is my youngest and her job in life is to keep me humble and remind me of everything that is wild and free just as she. 

Back to the Basics

I have pushed and fought. I have lead myself to the place of utter exhaustion. I have been a walking time bomb. I probably still am! But today I was done. I am done. This year has stretched me beyond comfort and brought me to the ground in utter defeat and victory and confusion all wrapped up in one ball of crazy. And I am done. I am so raw. Just the right look or words will unravel me to a puddle of tears. A puddle of tears that I refuse to let run their proper course because that takes time, time I do not often have. Yes, I could melt in the middle of the night, but even that has to be regulated, because I fear that if I fully let myself go I may not find myself again. 

Tonight I am broken, no not all the way, not the way I long to. I would give just about anything for a day to myself. A day to cry, to pray, to mourn what is lost, to sit in my numb and wait for God do whisk me up and put me back together again... But I am a mom. And I don't get those times that often because it requires a sacrifice for my kids and my husband and until he kicks me out the door I will be ok with the stolen moments in the night. Because tonight God met me in my stolen moment. And I got to cry and fall apart and he is slowly putting me back together. 

Beautiful things take time to make and I am a beautiful thing. And my family is a beautiful thing, if it does not look like I always imagined it would it is not because they are not beautiful it is because they are so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And beauty is found in the imperfection, in the overcoming of trials. And if you saw me at bedtime you would know that what was seen was anything but beautiful... And yet after my moments I see the hope of beauty, I see the changes that need to happen and I know what to do. Yes, I had to utterly fall apart first, it was not pretty & sorry to my husband for that lovely scene. Nothing like my short comings and mistakes to crack me over the head and bring me to a place of brokenness. Thankfully God can meet me there, where I need it most.

So, we're going back to the basics. That is one of the treasures that I came out of this night with. I don't know if I can even exactly describe what that means for us, it's a bit of a work in progress. I am starting with getting a rhythm back. I am not a morning person, I need to get myself in a better morning routine, if we start it now it will be easier to adjust when school starts again since getting out the door can be a challenge for us. Also, I think I need to go backwards in our bedtime rituals... I really really hate bedtime. They used to go down no problem and super fast, they haven't for awhile. They like to slip out of their rooms and ask a million questions and it honestly makes me mad because I feel like they've regressed. But maybe I just skipped to far ahead in our bedtime lives and am expecting too much. I need to get back to doing life at their pace and within that, at each of their own individual paces. Last school year it would often amaze me how slowly we took life when it was just Abi and me. So, why would I think that this was not something that I needed to take into account now, and on an individual basis? I know, it's like parenting 101, but sometimes we need the reminder. 

It is easy to get caught up in everything going on around you. And I have been caught and tangled up. I can only handle me and my children at this time in our lives and yet I still seem to get caught up in other things. I thought I was doing alright, but then I realized that maybe I was still hanging onto too much, things I cannot control. Right now I have to be selfish, and I hate even saying that, but what I have is all I can handle. There are people in our lives who support us and those who do not. Sometimes those support systems change and that is ok, that is life. So, you have to let the old go and embrace the new. I thought I was pretty good at that, but maybe not so much at the letting go. And there are some gaps that I know I need to find the new... Certain new support systems are hard to find, but I think I know where I need to go, once I sat and looked at who the people are in my life that build me up are, whether they even know it or not! I know that God provides the right people for the right time and I know that he will have a purpose for me where I land. Because even in my brokenness I know that God can use me, even if it's just to remind another that the role they play is invaluable. Yes, I don't know how much I have to give right now, but I do know that as God puts me back together I will have more and more of me to give to my family and friends. So, while I am broken I am hopeful that what comes out will be just another work of art.  

Me

I believe in authenticity. I think that the best things in life are not forced. I believe that the best friendships take time and effort to build. Life is a lot of give and take. A true friend will see you through the good times and the bad. They love your ugly because they see your beauty too. 

I think that life is meant to be lived at a slow ambling pace. I know that I do not always achieve this, it is contrary to our culture, but it is what I strive for. I know that my best days are usually spent outside, ambling through the strawberry fields, picking blueberries, visiting a favorite park, playing in the water with kids, and barbequing with friends. I think the common denominator in my life highlight reels are people, people that I love, that have time for me and my family.

People. People who are as invested in my life as I am in theirs. They are the people we throw parties with, that cry on our shoulder, that rage at the world when all seems unfair and help to pick up my broken pieces after a hard day. They love me when I make mistakes or constantly change my mind. They know that I'm a crazy wind child and in that I love to plan as well. They understand that I am a walking contradiction, but this is probably because I am constantly trying to grow or being forced to grow.

I know who I am and I am not afraid of me. I know my shortcomings and my strengths. I love to share life with people, to walk alongside those I love. I will never compromise who I am or my beliefs, but neither will I let your beliefs be what stands between us. I do not expect everybody to agree with me, we all travel the same road but at different times. We are all unique and will make unique choices in our unique situations that all have a common denominator in some way or another. I may not always agree with somebody but I will always love. 

Love is the foundation of my life. It is rooted in my love for God. It is what I hope that people see when they see me. But I often feel that it is my failure that shines through. That just may be my feelings at the moment as it's been a hard year for me. When going through things it's easier to see the troubles in front of you than the hope inside. But the hope is always inside, it's what keeps me going. What calms me in the torrent rains. Without hope there would be no reason to live, so I am so thankful that my God is a God of hope. He is so many things, but right now what I want is hope. Hope that this season will pass, as they all do. Hope that when the season is past what I will remember is the treasures buried within this crazy time and I know that that will be what I remember. Beneath my moody contradictory surface is a optimist at heart. There are things that will always be true, always represent who I am and those are things that are found in my Lord, the only thing unchanging in my life. 

Prayers for Hannah

Alright, so this is one of the hardest posts I've ever written. So, before I even begin I want to say who I am and what I believe. I write this strongly rooted in faith, I believe that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible for God. But I also write this as the logical person that I am. I believe that God sometimes has greater plans than my finite mind can conceive. I have experienced this as a child and an adult... I do not know the mind of God. I do not claim the mind of God. I also am an optimistic person, yet still logical, which may seem cynical. So, in describing myself I sound almost like an oxymoron. But just to be clear, faith comes first, then logic. Hope is always first, followed by what I see and have experienced.

If you know me, you would know that I have been married for almost 10 years. When I married my husband, I married his family and was so very blessed because I married into a family that loved me as much as I loved them. Ten years ago I met my husband, his family and his little sister. Hannah was 12 at the time, she was the little sister that I always wanted. Over the last 10 years we packed all the sisterly love of a lifetime into 10 years! And I love her so much today, she has grown into a pretty awesome lady. She got married about 3 years ago to her high school sweetheart, Josh, and just over a year and a half ago they had their first child, Ella.

Hannah and Josh are currently 21 weeks pregnant with their second child. About two weeks ago they went into the doctor for a routine ultrasound and found out that they were having another little girl. We are all so excited for the little addition to their family, but when doing the ultrasound they found something that they wanted to take another look at. So, last Friday Hannah and Josh went in for another ultrasound. At this ultrasound the doctor found something alarming, there was a mass on Baby's neck, and they were quick to give our parent's to be a scary prognosis. 

The appointment was made to get a better look and find out more at the University of Washington. Yesterday, Monday June 9th, Josh and Hannah went in for further testing. At this point they were told that Baby has a Lymphatic Malformation, don't bother googling it there's not much out there. This is a very rare thing for a baby to have and there is no known cause for this malformation, the doctor's see one or less of them every year, with mixed outcomes. What you do need to know is that this makes Hannah's pregnancy a high risk pregnancy. It is a very scary place for a mother and father to be, it's very uncertain and there are many things that they and the doctor's will be finding out as they go along. One thing that is certain at this point is that she will be delivering at the UW and that her pregnancy from this point on will not be "normal." Also, once Baby is born, she will take up residence at Children's Hospital for a few weeks or more depending on her condition.

Their next appointment will be in three weeks on Monday, June 30th. At that point the doctor's will do another ultrasound and probably some other tests. They have shared a few different scenarios with Josh and Hannah but at this time it is undetermined what the course of action for their unique case will be. As we face each appointment we will know a little more, as much of it depends on the growth of the mass. The mass is currently 1 inch in size and Baby is approximately the size of a banana. As a visual, the mass currently extends from Baby's collarbone to her jaw line and is not obstructing any vital organs at this point. 

Where does that leave us? It leaves us on our knees. We serve a God who loves to make the impossible possible. God is the great physician, he can heal our little girl. We are praying that the mass will not grow. We are praying that if it does grow that it will not grow fast. The longer Baby can be inside Mama, the better... Baby is not strong enough to be a preemie and face the challenges of having a lymphatic malformation. We are praying for God's hands to be with the doctor's and that they will have the wisdom to do what is best for both Hannah and Baby. We are especially praying for God's protection over Hannah and Baby. We will keep you updated as we go along. 

I would pray that you would be sensitive to their family as they are on this journey, it is not an easy one. And I would pray that you would too continue to rejoice in addition to their family. Every baby no matter how they come into the world, whether they live to be 90 or 9 minutes, is a life changing blessing. We are praying that Hannah and her daughter will both live to see 90!

Find Rest

You know those days you wish you just didn't feel? How often I just want to wrap up in my little cocoon and pretend there is no world around me. I look all around and I see madness. My heart grieves. I am numb. I feel as if just as the world is starting to be put back together it crashes down again. I fall to my knees and right as I get back up another wave crashes. I am not unfamiliar with the losses of this world, with the waves crashing and forcing me under. I am always plucked back up but at some point you just say, "Oh, Lord, when does it end?" When can I breath? Just as I start to feel the sun a cloud comes. Life is heavy. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28-29

I must be missing something to feel so heavy. It's the release of the burden on my heavenly father. But I do release, it just seems that as soon as I release something there is something else again in my hands. It is a constant giving it to God. And giving the next thing to him to. Just like the waves of the ocean... Sometimes the ocean is calm and its a gentle roar, waves lapping on the shore. Other times it's a storm. The waves crush you and pull you under. You reach out to be rescued and as you catch a breath of air you are pulled back under once again. Release, release, release. Oh so weary. 

I have peace. My peace is found resting in the arms of God. I do have peace, but I wonder sometimes why do we have to go through this at all. When can we be done? I know what is birthed through the pain. I would not trade who I am for an easier life. I also know that there are many with harder or more tragic lives. 

I often feel like the storm is raging all outside my four walls. My home is a shelter in the storm. In the night it is in the quiet that I meet my Lord. And it's in the quiet that I get to lay in the arms of a man who shelters me to the best of his human ability. I am so covered in grace and love, so very blessed. But waves and trials are not something that you can run from... Growth is not something you can hide from, it happens inside you. You cannot run from yourself, you cannot run from God. 

Tenderness isn't something I should avoid. God tells us to laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn. He made us to feel. He knew that we would be overcome with emotions we could not begin to describe. He knows my day before my sleepy eyes open. I could choose to be hard, sometimes I do choose to be hard on the exterior. It's in the quiet that I deal with my emotions, this is where I process. Where it is safe. Safe in my four walls, I can cry or laugh or whatever random emotion I have for unknown and known reasons. I am a complex little mess. Sometimes I want to cry just because I need to cry and I don't even know why. And then I go and snuggle next to my human comforter... God really knew what he was doing when he gave me my husband. He gave me a man that often knows me better than I know myself...

I wonder if being in a tornado is like being in my mind. It will be the little things that I cannot deal with and then you explode the earth on me and I'm ok... That is not normal. How can I listen to a raging child, a broken heart and just be. But the emotions come, the processing happens, it's in the safe quiet of my home. Am I broken? Or was I built for storms? No, I'm not always calm, but there are so many times when I look and think, I shouldn't be calm right now but I am. I don't even understand myself sometimes. Maybe it's not that I'm built for storms, maybe it's just that I recognize a storm for what it is and run for the shelter of God. I'm running. I know that is why I felt heavy. I need to run because this is too big for me. I can find rest in the storm.

Ramblings

It's hard to believe that another school year is coming to a close. This has been the hardest school year ever for me. I have also learned a lot and grown a lot. I do not like to grow, although I know it is essential! 

I have said over and over that I love our school. I will say it again, I do love our school. But just because I love the people there doesn't mean it's a good fit for all my children. School doesn't get out until next Thursday, but Dominic has been out of school for about two weeks now. Or maybe it's just been a week and the prior week was the foreshadowing week, I honestly can't remember at this moment. You see, that scary word, homeschool, has been something running through my mind throughout this entire year. It's the back up plan, the if I really have to do it then I will plan. It's now the plan for next year...

Dominic for whatever reason is done. School was not working for him... He is extremely bright, but the box just doesn't fit everybody. We spent an entire school year walking this out, making adjustments, trying new things. But then when it came down to the end of it, there was nowhere else to go. I realized I could continue to try to make this work, to try and shove you in this box, but what I came to realize is that the box is just not meant for you. In about a matter of a week I saw that this wasn't going to work and I saw that if I tried to make it work it was my boy who was going to be hurt. Since we all know that's not an option, we are starting a new adventure. 

This coming fall I will be homeschooling my oldest child. My middle child will be going to first grade at public school and my youngest will be in preschool. There will be no category in life to describe our life choices. I will not be a home school mom, or a public school mom, or just a preschool mom. I will be simply a mom... A mom trying to juggle what is best for each of my three very unique amazing little people. I'm not exactly sure where that makes me fit in the scope of motherhood, because people seem to always want to put mother's in boxes too. It begins from the time that you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. You are a "first time" mom, then you choose to be a "working" or "stay at home" mom. We put labels on everything and frankly the labels don't work. You are never defined by just one thing, yet we draw these silly lines in the sand. 

I've never really been a fan of labels or lines in the sand or anything along those lines. So the thought of being a little of everything doesn't scare me too much... Until I think at night, who is going to want to hang out with a girl that is being pulled so many directions and doesn't fit any one lifestyle? I'm not kidding, stupid things like that keep me up, I even texted one of my girlfriends and made her promise to still hang out with me even though I'm going to be homeschooling. Really, we've been friends probably over a decade now and I feel the need to make sure she'll still like me??? Yep, I'm a crazy woman! But I guess when life is changing sometimes you gotta make sure that you still got people on your side, and I say that because I have had my friends carry me through many hard times and I've carried them too. 

As I've delved into next year I've gone through so many emotions. But the overwhelming emotion is relief. I know me and I know my kids. I know it will be different and hard, but also in a more important aspect it will be rewarding and fun. I am excited for next year, I have no idea what exactly it will look like. I have thoughts, but until I'm there I really have no idea. I worry about how I'm going to make it to the things that have always been fulfilling and important to me. But somehow I will make it to Gabe's class once a week and hopefully MOPS. 

In the last week or so it has been so nice having Dominic home. I'm confident that Dominic will keep turning back more and more into the Dominic that we have always known and loved. He had a rough time at school and was starting to become very angry with the world. I know that this is not my boy, and in the short time that we've decided on our life change I've seen him slowly getting happier. Do I expect him to be perfect, definitely not! He will still be full of more energy than I could ever hope to harness, he will still be distracted by the wind, he will still sing around the house at the top of his lungs (we really are working on harnessing the noise), and he will still rage at the injustices of the world and still fight with his siblings, hopefully less... But the undercurrent of his life will be joy. And that is all I could ever ask for.

Love Wins

Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is picking your little boy up from school ready to blow. Love is staying calm as he's yelling at you & the world while you wait for him to buckle his seat belt. Love is making sure all the other kids are taken care of so you can sit and listen to your boy rage at the world. Love is once getting the others taken care of going upstairs only to find your boy has run back outside. Love is bringing him back into his room and telling him he has a choice and you're there to listen when he's ready. It's seeing he can't calm down and having him lay out on the floor while you massage his back. Love is with every fiber of your being wanting to erupt like Mt St Helen's and forcing it back. It's dying to yourself, your own selfish desires and expectations. It is putting somebody else's needs before your own. And then the beauty of love is when you get it right, even just for a minute... When the tears stop, the world takes a breath and a little boy apologizes. The apology is sincere, but the result only lasts a moment, until the next disappointment, because today is one of those days. 

One of those days were even the simplest answer is met with rage, tears and yelling. Where you are mystified and you have nothing. Nothing but the resolve to let love win today. I will let love win today if it kills me. I will hear every last yell of how terrible I am and I will not let it win. I know that this is not logic speaking, it is not my son speaking & that no matter how I fight it I will lose. But I will be a bigger loser if I do not let love win, maybe someday he will look back and see that love won. Maybe he will see how no matter out of line he was today that his mother didn't react in anger, she reacted in love... And maybe someday that will mean something to him. 

Until that day I will hold onto that little glistening hope that this too shall pass. Because today that is all the hope I have. I am tired and I am broken. But somewhere in the midst of this I love. I am not loving by my own strength today, mine is gone. I have nothing else to hold onto but that His love is stronger than mine. God has seen me through many storms and he will see me through this as well. I will fail constantly, but I will remember this high within the storm because today the storm didn't beat me and that's not something I can say everyday. So, thank you, Lord, for showing me that in our darkest hours your love can still and will still prevail. And you love to make broken things new, into something more beautiful than imaginable... I cannot wait to see what you turn my son into and even me through this process as well. You must have something beautiful for us, I just know it.  

$40 Challenge Plan

Alright, so I have challenged myself to spend only $40 on groceries for the next two weeks. This is a huge challenge for me, especially considering that I easily spend that on our produce alone... But it's fun to do something different.

So, I looked in my freezer, which is pretty well stocked right now. This has not always been true for us in past years, a couple years ago there is no way I would have been able to do this challenge. Today when I looked out there I had some leftover creamy chicken tomato soup, and 3 freezer meals ready to go! Right off the bat I had four dinners, 9 more to go (we're having Easter with the family so that's one meal I don't have to plan). I inventoried mainly my meat, because if I don't have to buy meat then I can pull this off.

This is my menu that I came up with...
Creamy Chicken Tomato Soup;     leftovers
Honey Rosemary Chicken;            freezer meal
Orange Teryaki Chicken;                already marinading
Hawaiian Chicken;                          freezer meal;                      green bell pepper
Chicken Divan
Homemade Mac & Cheese
Almond Crusted Tilapia                                                              1/2 cup almonds
Crockpot Sweet Garlic Chicken                                                  lemon lime soda
Buffalo Chicken Spaghetti Squash                                              spaghetti squash
Carnitas Tamale Pie                                                                      pepper jack cheese
Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches                               bottle of Franks buffalo wing sauce
Fiesta Nacho Chicken Bake                                                         can tomatoes with green chilies
Slow Cooker Pork Chops                                                            potatoes

I picked really simple recipes that also happen to be ones that we love! When I go shopping I usually try to buy a little extra of the things that we use all the time, which builds up my pantry stock slowly. Then if I want to splurge, on some steak or something, I can with still being able to make meals we love the rest of the week. And I also have a very creative husband who cooks me amazing food probably more often than I cook for him... I'm super spoiled, I know. He has this ability to look around and see what we have and make it, where I'm the recipe queen that if I don't have a plan and my recipes I end up not cooking! I can always pull boring stuff out of thin air, but that doesn't interest my husband who can pull amazing stuff out of thin air!

Then the other real challenge about my $40 for two weeks is lunches and breakfast. The kids mostly eat cereal or eggs, we have enough cereal to make it through. If I buy milk & let them have it only on their cereal I think I can stretch a gallon for a week. I'll buy two loaves of bread and that will have to do, I do have some chili that is a lunch favorite for the boys (thank God for thermoses). So if I buy a big thing of eggs that will work for breakfasts & if I hard boil some they're a favorite snack too. I have maybe a day or two worth of apples sitting on the counter and half a bag of frozen Costco blueberries, so once the apples are gone they can snack on those. They also have been warped from the time they were babies and love frozen mixed veggies, so they have those for snacks & in lunches. I can throw side dishes together with the other stuff we have hanging around the pantry and freezer. I made my grocery list for the next two weeks and priced out what everything normally costs and I come in just under $40, by my guess it will be $36. Now I just need to tuck my little lady in for her nap and once she wakes up we can venture out to Winco. Although Winco may wait till tomorrow and we could have a little cobb salad for dinner tonight, yep that sounds way better!

In To Deep

Do you ever have those seasons where you get so caught up in everything and then you realize, "oh no! I got in to deep!". Tonight is the first night in awhile that I haven't been able to get to sleep. I thought I was doing a pretty good job in the last couple of months and now I'm seeing I did it again. The problem is when my focus shifts outside my four walls. I'm not saying that I don't know what's going on or have no life outside my four walls, but it's a matter of doing too much, focusing on to many things. The reality is that my little family is about all I can focus on if I want to keep the peaceful loving environment that is best for us all.

These last few days I've been doing exactly what I'm supposed to do. I have not over committed myself and as a result we've had some amazing days. But when I glanced at the calendar I felt the dread of commitments. It's hard to admit but I love my kids better when I'm not over committed because overcommitment makes me less of a mother, I cannot go so many directions and do it well. I realize that that should be a simple thing to see but for some reason it has always slipped past my brain. I do love to go and do things and see people but either I've always been an introvert or I have turned into one in my "old age". Either way, overcommitment is not a good thing for me.

My goal in life is to do it well, but if I cannot respect who I am than I can never succeed in doing life well. If I do not respect who I am I cannot teach my children to respect who they are, how God uniquely created and made them. I want nothing more than for my children to know who they are, to be confident in themselves and in our God. When I am worrying about what happens next I don't take the time to sit with the kids in the morning over their breakfast and do our devotions. I do not engage with them the same way, I am distracted. I go through the motions but the heart isn't there, they may not notice that the heart is missing, but I know that soon they will be old enough that they will recognize when I'm just going through the motions. I just want to say too, it's ok if you're just going through the motions because eventually the heart will catch up and you'll realize that something is a little off, sometimes the motions is all you can do... That's just not where I am today.

I honestly could never have put a finger on what I'm saying until I was laying in bed tonight freaking out. I realized that this is what keeps me awake at night, overcommitment. And trying to keep everybody around me happy. I've kept people out of my life the last few days and it's been wonderful. Sorry, it's the brutal truth and it's nothing personal. I've just finally recognized that I cannot be everything to everyone. Unfortunately this means that I've gotta make some tough decisions and have some heart talks because I've gotten myself in to deep. I also am so thankful for all the people that love me and are so gracious with me. One of those people is my poor mother, I had to reschedule our day together that we've been trying to figure out since January or February. I am also so very thankful for her because I know that she's not holding it to my account, that she loves me despite my many flaws, one of which I just figured out tonight on yet another sleepless night. She understands how hard it is to balance a family.

Balancing a family is hard work. It is not something that gets easier as they get older, at least not in this stage of our lives. I relish in the fact that next year I will consistently get two whole hours to myself once a week. I also have this sneaky feeling that those two hours will be stolen up if I don't guard them like the gold that I see them to be. I have a feeling that even when I guard them with my life it will often be interrupted with the needs of those around me, namely my children!

If there is anything this year has taught me it is that you never know what is going to happen. You don't know what is going to happen next year, next month, next week, tomorrow or even an hour from now (I'm really hoping to fall asleep, but no guarantees). This is why I have to make those hard decisions, that is why I have to prioritize, to say no to good things, to have hard talks because I've over committed myself. This is my life. I stumble my way through, I make mistakes, I get wrapped up in the excitement and forget that I cannot do everything because I only have so much energy and what energy I give outside these four walls takes something away from my first calling, which is to be a good wife to my husband and loving mother to my children.

It's time to take a deep breath. It's time to settle into my nest and really look. Time is so short, a day often feels like but a whisper when I look at my children's sleeping faces. I need to look at my life and see what matters most and let my actions match. This has been a learning year for me. I've learned that there are things that I am just not meant to do and other things that bring unmeasurable joy to my life. There are also things that are just not right for this time in my life, maybe they will be later, but not today and that is ok. My heart has grown and opened up in ways I never thought possible a year ago. I am beyond content with my life. I also know that if I want to stay in that place of contentment I need to learn to say no more because it is the when a thousand things pull me in a thousand directions that I reach that place of exhaustion and exhaustion leaves room for nothing else. So tonight I am awake, but I know that tomorrow I will sleep.

Is It About Me?

Sitting contemplating... What if it is about me? It is so not about me, but so very much about me all at the same time. What if every life moment I have had has led up to here, where I am. I do believe that. That I would not be where I am today if I had not walked the path of yesterday. The path has been beautiful, exciting, hard, breathless and heart breaking. I could probably use every descriptive word in the English language and each would apply to my life. I am where I am today because of yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder if the struggles of yesterday have been there with the sole purpose to set us up for today. At least that could put a purpose to our experiences. I am really starting to believe that we needed to be where we are, not for us, but for our kids. It's not about me. My children are being raised in a community that loves and supports them. Our school is small enough that every face is familiar and many are friendly acquaintances and some friends. This is where we need to be, there is power in knowing those around you. We are enveloped in love.

Still though, it could be entirely about me. I've been tired, I haven't always been 100%. I can get my priorities mixed up and then there I am, forgetting what is most important. I've been contemplating and adjusting and I think I'm onto sometime. I am still a complete work in progress. But now is the time to stand up and take claim. It's time to claim what has been lost, where I have failed I claim victory, and I will march onto tomorrow. I am done with today and yesterday and tomorrow is a day of victory. I will sing a new song, I will forget what is past. 

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12 

This is the verse I proclaim over my family today. This is who we are. We are God's children and we will not be defeated. We will stand on our faith and we will go out in joy and peace. Whatever battles we face we will march in confidence because we have already won. We will dance into battle because it is not ours to fight. We fight from our knees and dance in our spirits. We are Farr's. And if it is about me, after all, then this is how I lead.

Where We Are; The Honest Truth

This world I have entered into is nothing as I ever dreamed it would be. I cannot even tell you quite where I am. I can try to share, to help you see, but I do not even know if I can wrap my whole mind around it. 

This has been a year I could never be prepared for. Dominic is in first grade and he is a very smart boy. We all think our kids are smart and I don't say this to brag because what I'm really doing is pointing out one of his strengths. He has an amazing mind. But with this amazing mind we are beginning to wonder if there is something else happening within his body. You see, Dominic has been struggling with appropriate behavior at school, much of which I think is related to sensory. In complete honesty, we have been on a path of beginning to delve into the world of diagnoses and evaluations... And let me tell you, this is not an easy place to be, it seems like nobody knows what they're doing or looking for or even what the next step is. Because if Dominic does have something "out of the ordinary" going on, he does not fit in a pretty little box called blank. What I am coming to realize is that probably most do not fit in that pretty little box. 

So as a mother with no idea what I am doing, I am beginning to fight. I am beginning to accept that we may need some help. And I am sadly beginning to see that this help is not going to be something that is just handed to me. No, I am once again pulling on my advocating boots and trying to figure out just what I need to do. I will fumble my way through this process, walk blindly, and hopefully come out with a better idea of who my son is and what he needs to thrive in the environments he is placed. 

I have my suspicions of what we may be dealing with. I have heard his teachers polite suggestions. We have been working endlessly with him. And I am exhausted. Exhausted because I do not think we will come to an answer that quick. This is going to be a process. I would just like the answers given to me, so we can then know how to proceed. With different possibilities come different toolboxes. One door opens another, which opens another. Unfortunately you cannot open many of these doors without something official, or so it seems. This weekend I was talking to a beloved friend that has gone down a similar road and is further along. She was able to give me a little more direction and help. I have found something that I can do right now, by right now I mean make some calls and probably get put on another waiting list, but probably not one so long.

Dominic is a very smart little boy. He has so many strengths. He is one of the most creative people I have ever met. He has a sweet beautiful heart that genuinely loves people. He is a wonderful friend and a polite boy. His teachers love him, they see the good in him, they do not let his struggles define him. For that I am so very thankful, because I'm beginning to think that that is not the normal response. I could go on and on about how much I love my boy, but that's not really what you need or want to see.

Through this motherhood journey I have been challenged from the day I became pregnant. I have grown and matured and been rewarded in so many ways. I have learned so much from watching my children and the experiences we have gone through have molded and shaped me. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be last year, helping in the kindergarten classroom, because I was loving on children that so desperately need love. That mission field has not changed, but my heart has grown. I see the kids struggling with appropriate behavior and I fall in love with them. I know that I can come beside them and help them to make some better choices. I know that I can invite them to sit with me and we can make it through the most challenging parts of the day (carpet time) with no issues. I have learned that scratching a child's back is like magic. And I have a kid that sees me sitting with him at lunch as a reward, who in fact asked today if he could sit by me. And my heart breaks, it grows and it overflows with love. These kids who sometimes struggle with appropriate behavior have the most beautiful hearts, with some you have to look a little deeper than others. But I know, once again, that I am where I am supposed to be when a little boy asks to sit with me a lunch and another gives me little notes and tells me that he loves me. Yeah, not kidding... Having a heart that loves makes a huge difference and I am so thankful for my children building in me a heart that loves, even those that some might think are unlovable.

So, while I may be exhausted and uncertain of what exactly we are dealing with on a personal level, I see growth in me. I know that growth in me will pass to my children. I know that even when it feels like I'm all alone that God sees me. He knows me and he knows my child, intimately. I know that when I am empty he will fill me up. And I will write. I will write because it helps me process. I will write because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I will write because I know that the people who love me will see my heart and understand when I may not make sense. And the people that want to judge me or my children are not worth my time, it may sound harsh, but it's the truth. I will forever stand by my child and whatever he faces and proclaim to the world that he is amazing and I love him.

Cliff Diving

Here I sit again...  I cannot even begin to put words to all the thoughts rushing through my head.  I cannot begin to spout words of wisdom or encouragement.  I have nothing.  I am tired, I don't know what the right thing to do is and I'm living on a prayer that today was just a bump and that we are not about to fall off the cliff again.  I hate that cliff, whatever it may be I hate the darn thing.  I know it's a place where I can learn and grow and that we will come out better, but I would prefer to fall off the cliff alone and not while holding my child's hand.  Life is not fair.  How many times do I say those words to my children, especially my one that sees the world in a bold black and white.  I love my black and white child, but I do not want to jump off the cliff.  I don't want to be sitting here with my legs dangling over the edge wondering if we're going to be pushed off, because let's face it, you never jump off it willingly.  Life is not fair.  

I love the rolling meadows, the fields of wild flowers.  I want to live in the beautiful and float on a cloud.  But life is not full of rolling meadows of wild flowers, life is a mountain range.  It is beautiful views on top of the mountains you climb, but it is also cliffs, raging rivers, avalanches...  I don't get to come to the top of the mountain and build a beautiful house and plant myself in that heaven for the rest of my life.  No, I get to climb a mountain and build an alter and again lay my life down and into the hands of my savior who brought me up the mountain in the first place.  And he can then say we have a new journey to go on, a new cliff to dive off so we can climb a new mountain.  Then I guess sometimes we just get to go cliff diving and then climb the same mountain taking a different route. And this is life.  A beautiful adventure... 

Maybe I shouldn't look at cliff diving with my child as a thing to fear, but a thing to treasure.  Maybe if we cliff dive together as he's growing up, we'll be better for it as the years come. Maybe this cliff diving isn't even really about me.  Maybe we are doing this so I can teach my son how to dive, how to face the mountain range of life and come out on top ready to build an alter to our Lord that brought us through.  I guess with this perspective I can take a deep breath, calm myself, hold on tight and let my feet dangle, unsure if this is a dive we're taking or a big rock with a view to where we've come from.

 

Natural Progression

I have always said that children naturally progress on their own.  My children have always moved onto the next milestone without too much effort, like a little light goes on in their head and they get it.  I would say that I am a pretty easy going parent, I know that it can be hard to sit back and say that they will naturally progress, but they will.  They are little people after all and will do things in their own time and their own way.  I don't like to force things in life, I like to know that what a person does or says is because it is truly what they desire to do or what they really think, not because it's the right answer or I told them they had to.  I believe in authenticity.  I think, in that, I believe in God given progress, we are after all God designed, so it's only logical that he would design us to progress into what we need when we need it.

My boys couldn't be more different.  I have Dominic my always ahead academically child who struggles with being a student and then I have Gabe who is a model student that is just a pinch behind academically.  But this week I saw my Dominic make great strides at being a better student and Gabe making great strides in his academic performance. 

In my experiences not always is that progress easy.  We have had a fall season full of work.  We have worked to get where we are.  I have spent hours working with Gabe to help him get to where he needs to be.  I have spent even more time and sleepless nights trying to figure out how to help Dominic thrive.  We have been blessed with an amazing school and teachers who have worked with us all to get to where we are.  I am beyond thankful for the time that I get to spend at school in my kids classrooms because none of the obstacles have taken me by surprise and when we come to them it's much easier to figure it out with somebody you know and that you know is on your side.

I know even in my own life that a lot of these "natural progressions" have come through hours on my knees begging to get through.  I would not be who I am without having gone through what I have, fought the battles I have fought and come out on the other side forever changed.  I know I am growing in character and the pain is worth the reward, even if the reward isn't seen on this side of heaven.  The greatest rewards we won't see here on this earth, they are waiting for us on the other side.  Talk about an encouragement, because I don't know if you're like me, but there are some pretty awesome rewards here, all I have to do is look in on my sleeping children and into the eyes of my husband who loves me more than I can even understand.  I am beyond blessed, no matter the struggle I come out praising the God who brought me through.  It is his strength that beings me through and his blessings are all around me. 

Restoration of Hope

Dare I begin to dream again?  Oh, Lord, let your blessings continue to shower down.  I say continue because even as we have been in a tough season he has been so faithful to uphold us and carry us through.  Our love for each other has never faultered in the face of life's trials and loss.  Our faith in the hope that Jesus gives us has been hard fought for.  And while we are still right where we were a month ago, 4 years ago, there are some changes on the horizon.  Is resoration beginning?  I dare to dream, to hope, because that is who I am.  I know that God has good things for us and I know that in all this I have laid myself down and accepted that my hope, if in heaven alone, is enough for me.  And it still is.  I just see the potential of blessings on the horizion, and with my dreamer spirit I cannot help but believe for better things.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

There is no doubt of where favor comes from.  Only God could bring us through and give us more than we could ask or imagine.  I believe that God has good things for us and I held onto that when I saw no good with my eyes and I will always hold onto that.  When the world is dark my light comes from Him alone.  And when I cannot see his light, I feel it within me.  There have been many times that I've had to fight to feel it, to know that he longs to bless us, to give us a future.  He never promised an easy life, he told us it's a battle and it is, but when we can no longer fight it, he will fight for us.  He will always fight for us, we only need to ask him.  

There are more battles to face.  Our road is by no means over.  But the hope of restoration brings me to my knees with gratitude overflowing.  Tears are falling as I write this because I could not be more thankful that my God has not forgotten me.  All glory goes to him alone, because our human hands cannot bring the love of Jesus to our world, our home.  Thank you, Lord, for restoring hope and a future.  You are good, so very good to us.

It's Really About Service

I have a great marriage.  I do not say it lightly or with pride.  I say it to state a fact...  Do I have a perfect marriage?  No, not at all, not even close.  I fail daily, I have some things I am working on and I'm not always sunshine & butterflies.  That being said, I have a great marriage.  I've spent my life observing marriages, more so after I got married as I knew more married people then.  I have observed many many couples, some with marriages that I would say are great and some that I would say are not so great and some that I would even say are toxic.  

I was wondering to myself this night, why do some people have these just hard marriages.  I know details of a lot of them and could tell you their struggles and what they're doing right and what they're doing wrong, but that's not what I'm doing.  I'm not calling people out, because I am not qualified to do that and I don't judge, I just observe, mostly because I'm nosey.  What I have decided is that the reason I have a great marriage is because I serve my husband.  And in return he serves me.

I realized this as I was in the kitchen with my husband this evening with his parents and we were bantering over who was more spoiled.  I said, "I have never met a more spoiled husband than you." His reply was the same.  Now, in my head I could try to list ways that other women are more spoiled than me, but I realized with the things that counted most to me, it was true, I am a very spoiled wife.  I have been constructively criticized before for spoiling my husband and that I do it more than I should.  But as I've gotten older I realized, spoiling my man is a good thing.  Because I'm not really spoiling him, I am serving him.  I am putting his needs before my own wants.  I am saying that the health of our marriage directly effects the health of who I am as an individual.  And I am saying that he is worth the couple extra minutes to do the little things that make him feel valued and loved and served.

It's funny how society says to take what you can and to look out for yourself, but if you truly want to love and have purpose in life you do just the opposite.  Fulfillment is found in service.  It's found outside of myself.  It's in the every day of raising children and loving my husband.  It's in the monotonous tasks that are you never see the end and the only reason you do them is because they need to be done, but honey, that's service.

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Colossians 3:23

My attitude is the difference.  Am I doing this for myself or for my family?  You know one of my favorite kinds of people to make dinner for?  My hubby's single guy friends!  Do I even need to tell you why?  They always remind me that what I do matters, that's it's special, important, good...  Even if my children or even hubby have ceased to see the novelty of a home cooked meal, they remind me that no, indeed it is a act of service.  My attitude is the difference.

I often wonder if people even hear what I have to say.  Advice I have to give.  I can get frustrated with people's actions, attitudes and disregard.  But if somebody doesn't want to listen to what I have to say why should I care?  I am not responsible for them, I cannot live their lives for them.  I can share what I've learned and it is for them to decide what to do with said knowledge.  Maybe I am pretty insignificant to society, but I am not insignificant to my family and that is who I've been put on this earth to serve at this time in my life.  And if they are the only people that I touch in this world, then that is enough for me because they are my world.  Yes, I know I have touched people outside of my four walls, but this is all to say that I am ok with my four walls being it for me.  And I would say that if you want a life of fulfillment, stop looking at yourself and trying to serve yourself, look at the people within your four walls and then as you can extend that service as far as you can. 

 

I Cling

I was not built for this world.  I am not responsible for the pain, sorrow, and suffering of this world.  I cannot fix all the wrongs.  I cannot choose people's attitudes, perspectives and priorities.  I am responsible for myself, my own attitude, perspective and priorities.  I cannot let empathy rule over my life.  I can choose to not drown in the sorrows of the world.  I am strong enough because I cling to my savior.  

I cling.  Like a child who cannot swim would cling to a piling in the ocean as the tide is rising.  I cling because if I fall I will drown.  I am tired, I am worn out, but I will cling for all my life is worth.  I dig deep into my soul because I know that my father is going to come and lift me off the piling.  He will encircle his arms around me and I will find rest and safety.  But today I cling.  Because maybe sometimes we have to show that we believe, that we can dig deep.  Sometimes we are given just enough, just enough so we can remember our utter dependence on the one who knows us better than we know ourselves.  And when we think we've been clinging on the piling long enough, that it should be our time to thrive, we continue to cling because we know that his timing is perfect.  We know he has a purpose, we know he is building something beautiful and we know that indeed we will have a time to thrive. 

I am clinging.  I know it's not really a fun place to be.  It is not where all my dreams come true.  But I do believe that I am clinging because he is building something beautiful in me.  I know that when I come to a place of rest I will be glad for this time in my life, because at that point I will know that I would not be who I am then if I was not the person that I am now.  

As I cling I throw my hands back and surrender to the waters.  I float with my hands spread, my hair fanned around me and my body pushed by the tides stronger than I.  I am not in control, all I can do is surrender.  To fight is only to prolong the process.  Surrender is the ultimate clinging, surrender to the one whom I cling to, the one who always rescues me.    

Equal Sin; A Humble Perspective

Is something ever heavy on your heart? Heavy that you know it's not going to be popular and that some people may decide that they hate you for saying it? Heavy that you know that you need to let people know where you stand? I pray that as I write this you will see my heart, if you do not already know it. Alright, I got to lay on the heavy at my doorstep first then extend it to the world.

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the history of the church we stopped calling sin sin. We started using pretty words to dress up the ugly truth. Pretty little words such as worry and pride. We became known for our judgementalism, so quick to point out the sin in others and have our eyes closed to our own, after all ours was a pretty little word called pride.

Matthew 7:1-5 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." 

1 John 3:15 "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them."

James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." 

There is the heavy at my own doorstep. This is even why I hesitate to write what I have to write. I know I am far from perfect and about a year ago I started really looking at myself, my attitudes, thoughts, and choices. I started calling the sin in my life exactly that, sin. I didn't call it worry, well I did, but I acknowledged that it wasn't just a pretty word, it was a sin. Pride is sin. Playing judge and jury is a sin, although I believe it's connected to another little one we call pride. But guess what, whatever our sin, it keeps us from God. I am not writing this to point out one specific sin, because I know that I am as guilty as the next guy. Some people think that there is levels of sin, but the truth is that it all keeps us from God. Yes, some sin has a greater consequence here on earth, obviously if you murder somebody you will go to jail, but if you are prideful your greatest consequence will be that separation from God and possibly people not really liking you for character traits that you portray. 

All this is said to hopefully give you a snap shot of my heart. To challenge you, if you call yourself a Christian. To ask myself, does my life really look any different? I am looking to myself first before telling you my heart on a topic that if you agree with know that I am not here to judge, that is actually the farthest thing from my mind. I just want people to know where I stand, just as you do. I want people to know where I stand in the fact that I want you to know that yes, I am different. Some may call me old fashioned and that is ok with me, because if you ask me the bible is not old fashioned. It is just a relevant today as it was thousands of years ago. 

Pride, worry, anger, murder, homosexuality are all sins. Our country condones sin, they legalize sin. Everywhere I look equal marriage and homosexuality is thrown in my face. I usually just keep my mouth shut because I do not want to offend. I fear that my objection will be seen as being judgmental or that I hate the people who have made this choice for their life. That is so far from the truth. As I write this my eyes are tearing up because I am so afraid that people will not see my heart, which is to simply say this is who I am this is what a believe and if you have chosen this lifestyle I still love you but I cannot say that it is ok. I cannot say that I approve because I have chosen to live by a law higher than I. I believe in God and his word, the Bible. And I also want to admonish other Christians that we are to hate the sin, not the people. In fact, we should love the people even more, because didn't Christ indeed die for all the sins of the world. In his dying breaths he looked to the thief beside him and said that his sins were forgiven and he would see him today in paradise. Nobody has ever been won over with hate and judgement, but also if we do not stand up state what we believe we are not doing what we have been called to. To be a witness, to love people just as Christ loved us. I know I mess up all the time and I know I am so thankful for the grace and forgiveness of my heavenly father.   

Love School

It is hard to believe that we are already 2/3 of the way through the school year. It feels like just yesterday I peeled Dominic off me crying because he didn't want to go to school. He had to be physically helped into his class by his teacher. I remember peeling him off me and running around the corner to cry so he wouldn't see me. I wasn't crying because I was upset about him going to school, but I was crying because you can't see your kid upset and bawling and not join in... Isn't that a mother's job after all?

That first month felt like the longest month ever. Every day I took him to school it was the same thing, take him to class, teacher meets us at the door, he's crying, me peeling him off and leaving. I come to pick him up he runs gives me a great big hug and tells me how much fun he had a school. After about a month we were no longer having to be peeled off mama, but he still had a few tears. Then we stopped crying and mama had to watch him settle into class before she could leave. That lasted for a few weeks before we moved on. Now, we all pile out of the car and walk Dominic to class where he gives me a hug and a kiss and then I get to leave. We are happy. It was a process but we made it. I don't think he'll go skipping off to his class alone this year, maybe not even next year, but I am ok with that.

So here we are. 2/3 of the way through the school year. I have to honor of volunteering every Monday afternoon in his classroom. I have fallen in love with those little kindergarteners. I am always greeted with tons of hugs, I get to see what they are learning and help them and their teacher. I will always remember one day when we hadn't had school on a Monday, so I was coming in on Wednesday and when I dropped Dominic off his teacher asked me, "you're coming in today, right?" I answered that yes I was and she sighed and visibly was relieved that I was going to be back that afternoon. I love it. I love knowing the kids in my son's class, I love the funny things that they kids say. I am so proud of the improvement that I have seen in so many of them, just as proud as if they were my own kids. These little people are amazing and I pray that I am having as big of an impact on them as they are on me. I pray for them often and pray that they are loved at home and hope that if they aren't they at least know that they are loved by me, even if it is only once a week and when I see them dropping Dominic off in the morning or picking him up in the afternoon.

Silly Boys

My boys are just making me laugh today.  I feel like all I want to do is quote them for the rest of my life.  I looked at Dominic, who is 6, this afternoon and said that he was looking so grown up.  When I asked him why he looked so grown up he tells me, "I am. I'm 6!" Then I asked him if he was an adult and he said, "no, not until I'm like 50." I then asked him if he was going to live with me forever and he gives me the of course silly mother look and raised his arms up while shrugging his shoulder and said, "Yeah, mom, I'm going to marry you." It was such a matter of fact how could I think of anything other than that statement, sigh. I love that boy.

I am treasuring his boyhood. I was talking with a friend just this morning about how quickly they grow up and yet how happy I am that so far my boys seem to be taking their time. We don't have girlfriends or crushes, which some have started to develop, so young! My boys still think girls are great playmates, that they are great friends and I wonder if they would even realize if a girl had a crush on them.

One day a few months after kindergarten started I came in on a Monday afternoon to volunteer in Dominic's classroom. I was greeted with my usual hugs and then one of the little girls whispered in my ear that Kaiya likes Dominic, she called him her hero. Dominic & Kaiya were on the same team in PE and apparently he had caught a ball that was going to hit her, hence his temporary hero status. Of course when I asked him about it later he told me the story as he tells all other stories, no big deal, I caught the ball, she called me her hero, nothing out of the ordinary, just helping out a teammate.

I realize that some day he won't want to marry his mother anymore. He will think a little girl is cute and eventually fall in love and get married. I don't know how much longer I will hold honor of being the woman that he wants to marry, I have a feeling that this will pass before I blink. I can model for him the kind of woman I want him to marry, he can look to his daddy for the kind of man we desire for him to be and I do believe that he will astound us still with what an amazing man he someday becomes, because he has amazed us from the first day he was born, all our children have.

Dominic started the day off rough, he got into some things he shouldn't have gotten into this morning before I came downstairs. He spent a little time in his room and got talked to by his mama. This evening before going to bed we were all cuddling and talking about our day. He informed me, "I had my bad brain on this morning and then I took it off and put on my good brain and I was good the whole rest of the day." then he makes a motion like he's taking it off, he says, "now I have my bad brain on and I'm taking it off and throwing it in the garbage." Oh the things that that boy says, they just crack me up. So, he threw his bad brain in the garbage and I guess I'll have a perfect son for the rest of his life! Ok, maybe not, but as far as he's concerned the bad is gone. And you thought 6 year old boys weren't entertaining, just follow this one around for a day!

Then there is Gabriel. Every night he tells me "good night mommy-pants." A long time ago I couldn't figure out what to call some of their crazy behavior so I would tell them to stop acting crazy-pants. Since then everything in our house has pants. Gabriel is such a funny little kid too. He has a silly sense of humor, and you never really know what you are going to get. I always have to expect the unexpected with that kid. You would think that with how silly he is that he would have an easy time in any environment, but he's actually pretty cautious or shy. He takes things in, watches and then he will head long throw himself in. At home he can be the most stubborn child I know, but then he goes to preschool or discovery club and he is a perfect angel. I would be shocked if I ever got a bad report from discovery club, I always hear about how he's the best behaved kid and such a good listener, now if I can just figure out how to bring that home!

I guess that's probably more than enough psycho mommy babble for one night. But sometimes you just got to get it out of your system. So in the words of Gabriel, to his brother as they're going to bed tonight, "good night farty-pants."

Blessing

Tonight I stood at my kitchen sink and cried while I washed a precious gift from a friend.  My dear friend showed up today and handed me a box of china she had purchased for me. It is beautiful, simple & elegant. White plates & tea cups with a gray flower in the middle, I could not have chosen better myself...

What my friend doesn't know and what I was unable to bring the words through my desire to not bawl all over her, is that she is the bearer of God's amazing love toward me.  You see, last night I was also bawling...  I was feeling so overwhelmed with some of the loss in my life and fighting over the truth in my spirit.  I know God is good, but sometimes it feels like a war to continue to trust and hope and knowing beyond knowing.  I was feeling a little broken.  I was crying out that, "Lord, I want to be refined by you, but it hurts!!! I want to be done.  But I know that through it all you are burning away my ugliness and building character and strength."  And last night was a beautiful heart wrenching conversation with my Lord and peace and love filled my heart again, with just enough strength to carry on. 

Then today my friend shows up with a set of china.  I have been wanting a set of china for awhile now, praying that I could find the money and deal on a set.  And here she was, with a perfect set for me!  I still cry just thinking about it.  I am washing it tonight with tears running down my face and a nose constantly sniffling because today God gave me one the desires of my heart through one of his precious daughters.  And I am so blessed.  My dear friend, you were used by God today, you blessed me so abundantly that you may never know entirely how much.  Thank you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, straight from my heart, I love you.  You are amazing.