Back to the Basics

I have pushed and fought. I have lead myself to the place of utter exhaustion. I have been a walking time bomb. I probably still am! But today I was done. I am done. This year has stretched me beyond comfort and brought me to the ground in utter defeat and victory and confusion all wrapped up in one ball of crazy. And I am done. I am so raw. Just the right look or words will unravel me to a puddle of tears. A puddle of tears that I refuse to let run their proper course because that takes time, time I do not often have. Yes, I could melt in the middle of the night, but even that has to be regulated, because I fear that if I fully let myself go I may not find myself again. 

Tonight I am broken, no not all the way, not the way I long to. I would give just about anything for a day to myself. A day to cry, to pray, to mourn what is lost, to sit in my numb and wait for God do whisk me up and put me back together again... But I am a mom. And I don't get those times that often because it requires a sacrifice for my kids and my husband and until he kicks me out the door I will be ok with the stolen moments in the night. Because tonight God met me in my stolen moment. And I got to cry and fall apart and he is slowly putting me back together. 

Beautiful things take time to make and I am a beautiful thing. And my family is a beautiful thing, if it does not look like I always imagined it would it is not because they are not beautiful it is because they are so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And beauty is found in the imperfection, in the overcoming of trials. And if you saw me at bedtime you would know that what was seen was anything but beautiful... And yet after my moments I see the hope of beauty, I see the changes that need to happen and I know what to do. Yes, I had to utterly fall apart first, it was not pretty & sorry to my husband for that lovely scene. Nothing like my short comings and mistakes to crack me over the head and bring me to a place of brokenness. Thankfully God can meet me there, where I need it most.

So, we're going back to the basics. That is one of the treasures that I came out of this night with. I don't know if I can even exactly describe what that means for us, it's a bit of a work in progress. I am starting with getting a rhythm back. I am not a morning person, I need to get myself in a better morning routine, if we start it now it will be easier to adjust when school starts again since getting out the door can be a challenge for us. Also, I think I need to go backwards in our bedtime rituals... I really really hate bedtime. They used to go down no problem and super fast, they haven't for awhile. They like to slip out of their rooms and ask a million questions and it honestly makes me mad because I feel like they've regressed. But maybe I just skipped to far ahead in our bedtime lives and am expecting too much. I need to get back to doing life at their pace and within that, at each of their own individual paces. Last school year it would often amaze me how slowly we took life when it was just Abi and me. So, why would I think that this was not something that I needed to take into account now, and on an individual basis? I know, it's like parenting 101, but sometimes we need the reminder. 

It is easy to get caught up in everything going on around you. And I have been caught and tangled up. I can only handle me and my children at this time in our lives and yet I still seem to get caught up in other things. I thought I was doing alright, but then I realized that maybe I was still hanging onto too much, things I cannot control. Right now I have to be selfish, and I hate even saying that, but what I have is all I can handle. There are people in our lives who support us and those who do not. Sometimes those support systems change and that is ok, that is life. So, you have to let the old go and embrace the new. I thought I was pretty good at that, but maybe not so much at the letting go. And there are some gaps that I know I need to find the new... Certain new support systems are hard to find, but I think I know where I need to go, once I sat and looked at who the people are in my life that build me up are, whether they even know it or not! I know that God provides the right people for the right time and I know that he will have a purpose for me where I land. Because even in my brokenness I know that God can use me, even if it's just to remind another that the role they play is invaluable. Yes, I don't know how much I have to give right now, but I do know that as God puts me back together I will have more and more of me to give to my family and friends. So, while I am broken I am hopeful that what comes out will be just another work of art.  

Me

I believe in authenticity. I think that the best things in life are not forced. I believe that the best friendships take time and effort to build. Life is a lot of give and take. A true friend will see you through the good times and the bad. They love your ugly because they see your beauty too. 

I think that life is meant to be lived at a slow ambling pace. I know that I do not always achieve this, it is contrary to our culture, but it is what I strive for. I know that my best days are usually spent outside, ambling through the strawberry fields, picking blueberries, visiting a favorite park, playing in the water with kids, and barbequing with friends. I think the common denominator in my life highlight reels are people, people that I love, that have time for me and my family.

People. People who are as invested in my life as I am in theirs. They are the people we throw parties with, that cry on our shoulder, that rage at the world when all seems unfair and help to pick up my broken pieces after a hard day. They love me when I make mistakes or constantly change my mind. They know that I'm a crazy wind child and in that I love to plan as well. They understand that I am a walking contradiction, but this is probably because I am constantly trying to grow or being forced to grow.

I know who I am and I am not afraid of me. I know my shortcomings and my strengths. I love to share life with people, to walk alongside those I love. I will never compromise who I am or my beliefs, but neither will I let your beliefs be what stands between us. I do not expect everybody to agree with me, we all travel the same road but at different times. We are all unique and will make unique choices in our unique situations that all have a common denominator in some way or another. I may not always agree with somebody but I will always love. 

Love is the foundation of my life. It is rooted in my love for God. It is what I hope that people see when they see me. But I often feel that it is my failure that shines through. That just may be my feelings at the moment as it's been a hard year for me. When going through things it's easier to see the troubles in front of you than the hope inside. But the hope is always inside, it's what keeps me going. What calms me in the torrent rains. Without hope there would be no reason to live, so I am so thankful that my God is a God of hope. He is so many things, but right now what I want is hope. Hope that this season will pass, as they all do. Hope that when the season is past what I will remember is the treasures buried within this crazy time and I know that that will be what I remember. Beneath my moody contradictory surface is a optimist at heart. There are things that will always be true, always represent who I am and those are things that are found in my Lord, the only thing unchanging in my life.