Refreshing

Yesterday I got home from Women's Retreat. And what a treat it was! We spent the weekend at Semiahmoo Resort, this was my 4th time there and it is beautiful! There is no better place to sit & see the beauty that our God created. And the even more beautiful thing is that I got to see the beauty of his creation in nature and people, the women of our church are amazing!

I have been so tired and life has just been the same thing over & over. This is not a bad thing, I actually enjoy the predictable, but the tired was getting old. I knew I needed some time to myself to recharge & reassess where I am standing with God. To have uninterrupted time with Him is not the easiest thing when you have 3 little ones! Now I know that sounds like an excuse, but I'm not here making excuses, I know full well that I have not been prioritizing that time like I should. And so, retreat was my kick start.

God is faithful to meet us where we are. He knew exactly what I needed, even though quite honestly I did not. I remember the first night, saying "God, I don't really know what I need, I don't know even what I am feeling, but you know. Meet me here, refresh me & do your work." So, Saturday I had the pleasure of playing with friends & getting to know them on an even deeper level, which is such a treat when somebody shares their stories with you. I love people's stories, I may not remember every detail, but it's always amazing to see how alike we really all are.

Then Saturday night, after our speaker, God met with me. We had talked earlier, but I needed more, still unsure of what that was. We were doing our end of the night worship & his presence just swept over me. I knew he was there, he was holding me, smiling at me, there. I just sat, saying "Thank you, God. Thank you for knowing what I needed, even when it was just the simple." All I needed was to feel his presence undeniably strong. I sat & prayed it would never end as tears rolled down my cheeks & my refreshment came.

This was the sweetest part of retreat for me. God meeting me where I am, knowing exactly what I needed, even when I had no clue. I just had to share, because in case you don't know what you need, he does. And he is faithful to give us what we need, just ask. He will not deny us what we need. He knows us better than we know ourselves, for that I am beyond thankful, I am amazed. 

Here's To Me

Well, tomorrow another year will have passed... By many standards I am still young, my age is something I've actually hidden a lot. I've always felt nobody would take me seriously if they knew how old I really was. I don't feel that as much now as I did when I first had Dominic, but when I compare my age to other mother's of like aged children I do feel young. I will be turning 27 tomorrow. So now by the average age calculation I have been married for 2 years & will be having my first child this year. I guess I've never done anything the average way. I have lived a lot of life in my short 27 years. I still have so much life to live, if I live the average life expectancy of a female, I think I have about 51 years left!!!

So what has life given me in my not average 27 years. My statistics, so to speak... Married 7 years, which we got married a few weeks before I turned 20. I'm not sure how long people date before getting married, but we did for 8 months & 8 days, from the time we first said hello. It's probably safe to say that that is not the average! We then went on to have 3 beautiful children, in less than 3 years! I briefly looked to see if there was an average age span between siblings, I found 3 years... Humm... Failed being average there too! My husband & I have only been intimate with each other, also not average! I graduated from high school a year early, not really that special, but I'm talking about myself today! I have lost all my grandparents, half my aunts & uncles on my dad's side of the family & my dad as well. I have inherited two amazing brothers through the marriage of my mother to my stepfather. I have also lived in another country for a year of my short little life. I have had plenty and I have had little. I have gained & I have lost. And I have lived a life full of hope, joy & love.

I don't know if you would agree, but I have lived a lot of life. I think I have experienced more in my 27 years than most. I am so thankful to be me. So, I am not ashamed of my age. And I do not fear getting older, I actually look forward to it. I know that I am wiser now than I was 5 years ago & I am thankful for that. I am looking forward to all the more wisdom that I have to gain, I am soo far from being a finished work of art. I have many things that I want to improve and it seems the more things that I improve the more I see that needs to be worked on!!!

What I do know is that you never know somebody until you have heard their story. There is so much more to people than what you see from the outside. People are amazing. People are resilient. You may look at somebody & think they're just average & as you get to know them their story knocks you off your feet. My story is not really exciting, it's just not average. But I was just thinking about my life & what I've done & who I am. I like me. And I hope you like me too, but if you don't it's not gonna rock my world, because not everybody clicks & that's ok. So, here's to me!

Stagnant or Rapids

Last year was another year of change for us. I wonder if I'll ever look back on a year & think that nothing really changed. We are after all supposed to always be growing & changing ourselves. But sometimes I think a stagnant year might not be too bad. Until you look up the definition of stagnant. Stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water. Yuck!!! And you know that stagnant water is water that breeds bugs & you drink it & you'll get sick. Stagnant is just not an option.

So maybe if we're characterizing life with water, I think I would want to be a river. I used to think of life as a ocean, but rivers are rough with rapids sometimes & calm & lazy flowing at others. You never know what is around the corner & you never really know which rapids are really going to be a challenge. Last summer Shane & I floated down the river & I was on a buddies tube that was flat on top, my own personal boat... We came up on a set of rapids & I laughed because I knew I wasn't going to get wet, I'm gonna ride this out happy as can be. And we come to it and guess who fell in? Maybe it's part of the whole pride comes before a fall.

You never know what is going to tip you over. You don't know when you're going to fall in... It may very well be the thing that you knew was coming & totally thought you had it handled, but then it brought you to your knees. Not that on your knees is a bad place, it's really a great place, but it's hard. And it hurts & you are begging for it to be over. I also know when you come out on the other side you are forever changed. It's you that gets to choose if the change is good or bad, did you fight to get back on your tube or did you wade to shore & sit in utter defeat?

I fell in the river a couple times last year. I also lazily drifted along in utter peace. It's a river. Sometimes the things that I thought were going to make me fall didn't & the things I thought I had under control crushed me. When I look at myself this year I am happy with who I see, I conquered another year, was it always with grace & beauty, no... But I did pick myself back up & keep going. I lived life, I trusted God, I grew. I have a whole bunch of things I want to work on this year. Stagnant is not an option. I don't want to be stuck, diseased & stinky. At least now if I stink I know a little trip over the rapids will surely clean me up.

Dirty Little Secret

I have a confession to make, it's my dirty little secret. Sometimes I wish I could be drama. Sometimes I crave the attention that all these drama queens get. Now, the truth is that I really don't want to be drama, it's I want the attention. There are days where I just don't really feel that special. I am just your average stay-at-home mother. Thankfully, while the rest of the world finds me normal, uninteresting & boring, my husband has another view of me & he does give me plenty of attention. So the dirty little secret is that I want to be loved & adored by everybody. The truth is out, I actually am a people-pleaser, peace-maker.

I also hate to be the center of attention, most the time. But I like to be in it all. I want to know people are thinking about me & want to be with me. Yep, I know, I'm a living paradox. Maybe that's part of the reason that I always loved being pregnant, because I always felt special then. Everybody wanted to know how I was doing, how I was feeling, thought I was the sweetest thing ever. I was in a subtle way the center of attention. No, I didn't intentionally put myself there in that spot, I just was & being was so special. I'm a crazy lady that loved going into labor because all the nurses fawned over me & then when my babies were born the fawned over both of us, took care of us, made us feel like the most special people in the world. Now, I really do sound like a crazy person!!!

So, I say that I want to be drama, but that's really not the truth. In fact, I try to steer clear of drama & never like to be a part of it. It's like a tornado that twirls & spins around me, but I'm untouched... Untouched & wondering if people even remember me... I'm always shocked when I run into somebody I haven't seen in years & they still remember me. In my eyes I'm nothing special. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my view that's screwed. Maybe I am somebody special to the people that live outside of my home. Maybe, just maybe it's me that needs new eyes. Maybe it's my desire to be the world's best friend that makes me feel inadequate because after all that is too much for any human to be. I can't be everything to everybody, I'm not God after all.

And there is the truth. I am not God after all. What I need is to remind myself of how He sees me. Oh, I know how he sees me & it's a beautiful thing that brings me to tears. So, I guess maybe I don't need to be special because I am already special to him & that really is enough. Yes... It's enough.

Nail Polish

Nobody ever told me the power of nail polish. There are so many things that I'm learning on this journey with Abigail! Nail polish is my new secret weapon. This morning she didn't want to get dressed, so I told her, "let's get you dressed then we will give you pretty nails." She came running over to me, so excited that she was going to get pretty nails. After I got her dressed I had to get up to get the polish, she started crying because she thought I wasn't going to paint her nails! So then Abigail settled on my lap, of course Gabriel had to hold the polish for us, he's really disappointed that he can't wear it, and she holds out her little fingers for me. It's the sweetest thing. Then when she was all done I loved watching her wave her fingers, blow on them & stare with this precious little smile.

I would have to say that seeing that little smile was the highlight of my day. It's so nice seeing that Abi is starting down a new road. This past probably about a week she has decided that she is now happy even when mommy isn't holding her. She has began playing even more by herself. I credit Shane. When he was home last week he told me, "honey, she's almost 2, you shouldn't have to be carrying her around & always entertaining her anymore." I realized that, oh, he's right, what am I doing. So that first couple of days she took quite a few trips to the stairs, crying & screaming because she wasn't getting what she wanted. And now when she starts to throw a little fit I send her to the stairs & it's really the funniest thing... She does her little Abi run to the stairs crying, her hair is bobbing back & forth & she's so little, but there she is obeying!!! Sigh. It's amazing how much more I enjoy her when she's not chained to me! We are still working on it, she still loves to be held a lot, but now I know I can put her down & it's ok. And when all else fails, break out the nail polish!!!