Call me crazy but I hate perfection. I hate that this is what our world glorifies. If you don't believe me, go check out social media. Our world has set this standard of perfection that no person can achieve. People try to live up to this ridiculous standard as they stalk each other in a cyber world that they have come to believe is real life! It is absurd. People, amazing people I know and love more than anything, try to hold themselves up to these impossible standards and fail. Perfection is the killer of joy and life.
Real life is messy. It's a bunch of unanswered questions. Life is going through the ups and downs with good people pulling you along. And yet as we all chase perfection we ostracize ourselves. The only way to live a perfect life it to never let anybody in to see the mess. There are so many people who won't let anybody in because they're afraid for people to see who they really are. They are afraid that they won't live up to the standards of all those perfect people they see all around them. But here's the news flash, NOBODY IS PERFECT!!! So why don't you all just get down and dirty.
I know it's scary to be vulnerable. And no, not everybody will agree with you. And there are going to be some personalities that you just don't get along with. But that's ok, you don't have to click with every person you meet, but if you're real you've at least given yourself a chance. We are all different and that is the beauty of the human race. Our differences aren't wrong they are what make us individuals and what makes us beautiful. We see things differently so we can challenge each other to see the world in a whole new way. We challenge each other to grow and push each other to a new perspective. We were made to compliment each other, not to compete.
And just to start the ball rolling... My name is Courtney, I am a wife and a mother to three beautiful children. We are a work in progress. I am constantly learning to be a better mother as I was never equipped to do this motherhood job, it's a job that equips you as you go. I will be home schooling our oldest child for the first time this year because he has some sensory struggles but the most intelligent mind and beautiful heart in the world. My middle son will be starting first grade in a few short weeks and he has a stubborn personality that never ceases to make me smile and remind me that life is good. My daughter is my youngest and her job in life is to keep me humble and remind me of everything that is wild and free just as she.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Back to the Basics
I have pushed and fought. I have lead myself to the place of utter exhaustion. I have been a walking time bomb. I probably still am! But today I was done. I am done. This year has stretched me beyond comfort and brought me to the ground in utter defeat and victory and confusion all wrapped up in one ball of crazy. And I am done. I am so raw. Just the right look or words will unravel me to a puddle of tears. A puddle of tears that I refuse to let run their proper course because that takes time, time I do not often have. Yes, I could melt in the middle of the night, but even that has to be regulated, because I fear that if I fully let myself go I may not find myself again.
Tonight I am broken, no not all the way, not the way I long to. I would give just about anything for a day to myself. A day to cry, to pray, to mourn what is lost, to sit in my numb and wait for God do whisk me up and put me back together again... But I am a mom. And I don't get those times that often because it requires a sacrifice for my kids and my husband and until he kicks me out the door I will be ok with the stolen moments in the night. Because tonight God met me in my stolen moment. And I got to cry and fall apart and he is slowly putting me back together.
Beautiful things take time to make and I am a beautiful thing. And my family is a beautiful thing, if it does not look like I always imagined it would it is not because they are not beautiful it is because they are so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And beauty is found in the imperfection, in the overcoming of trials. And if you saw me at bedtime you would know that what was seen was anything but beautiful... And yet after my moments I see the hope of beauty, I see the changes that need to happen and I know what to do. Yes, I had to utterly fall apart first, it was not pretty & sorry to my husband for that lovely scene. Nothing like my short comings and mistakes to crack me over the head and bring me to a place of brokenness. Thankfully God can meet me there, where I need it most.
So, we're going back to the basics. That is one of the treasures that I came out of this night with. I don't know if I can even exactly describe what that means for us, it's a bit of a work in progress. I am starting with getting a rhythm back. I am not a morning person, I need to get myself in a better morning routine, if we start it now it will be easier to adjust when school starts again since getting out the door can be a challenge for us. Also, I think I need to go backwards in our bedtime rituals... I really really hate bedtime. They used to go down no problem and super fast, they haven't for awhile. They like to slip out of their rooms and ask a million questions and it honestly makes me mad because I feel like they've regressed. But maybe I just skipped to far ahead in our bedtime lives and am expecting too much. I need to get back to doing life at their pace and within that, at each of their own individual paces. Last school year it would often amaze me how slowly we took life when it was just Abi and me. So, why would I think that this was not something that I needed to take into account now, and on an individual basis? I know, it's like parenting 101, but sometimes we need the reminder.
It is easy to get caught up in everything going on around you. And I have been caught and tangled up. I can only handle me and my children at this time in our lives and yet I still seem to get caught up in other things. I thought I was doing alright, but then I realized that maybe I was still hanging onto too much, things I cannot control. Right now I have to be selfish, and I hate even saying that, but what I have is all I can handle. There are people in our lives who support us and those who do not. Sometimes those support systems change and that is ok, that is life. So, you have to let the old go and embrace the new. I thought I was pretty good at that, but maybe not so much at the letting go. And there are some gaps that I know I need to find the new... Certain new support systems are hard to find, but I think I know where I need to go, once I sat and looked at who the people are in my life that build me up are, whether they even know it or not! I know that God provides the right people for the right time and I know that he will have a purpose for me where I land. Because even in my brokenness I know that God can use me, even if it's just to remind another that the role they play is invaluable. Yes, I don't know how much I have to give right now, but I do know that as God puts me back together I will have more and more of me to give to my family and friends. So, while I am broken I am hopeful that what comes out will be just another work of art.
Tonight I am broken, no not all the way, not the way I long to. I would give just about anything for a day to myself. A day to cry, to pray, to mourn what is lost, to sit in my numb and wait for God do whisk me up and put me back together again... But I am a mom. And I don't get those times that often because it requires a sacrifice for my kids and my husband and until he kicks me out the door I will be ok with the stolen moments in the night. Because tonight God met me in my stolen moment. And I got to cry and fall apart and he is slowly putting me back together.
Beautiful things take time to make and I am a beautiful thing. And my family is a beautiful thing, if it does not look like I always imagined it would it is not because they are not beautiful it is because they are so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And beauty is found in the imperfection, in the overcoming of trials. And if you saw me at bedtime you would know that what was seen was anything but beautiful... And yet after my moments I see the hope of beauty, I see the changes that need to happen and I know what to do. Yes, I had to utterly fall apart first, it was not pretty & sorry to my husband for that lovely scene. Nothing like my short comings and mistakes to crack me over the head and bring me to a place of brokenness. Thankfully God can meet me there, where I need it most.
So, we're going back to the basics. That is one of the treasures that I came out of this night with. I don't know if I can even exactly describe what that means for us, it's a bit of a work in progress. I am starting with getting a rhythm back. I am not a morning person, I need to get myself in a better morning routine, if we start it now it will be easier to adjust when school starts again since getting out the door can be a challenge for us. Also, I think I need to go backwards in our bedtime rituals... I really really hate bedtime. They used to go down no problem and super fast, they haven't for awhile. They like to slip out of their rooms and ask a million questions and it honestly makes me mad because I feel like they've regressed. But maybe I just skipped to far ahead in our bedtime lives and am expecting too much. I need to get back to doing life at their pace and within that, at each of their own individual paces. Last school year it would often amaze me how slowly we took life when it was just Abi and me. So, why would I think that this was not something that I needed to take into account now, and on an individual basis? I know, it's like parenting 101, but sometimes we need the reminder.
It is easy to get caught up in everything going on around you. And I have been caught and tangled up. I can only handle me and my children at this time in our lives and yet I still seem to get caught up in other things. I thought I was doing alright, but then I realized that maybe I was still hanging onto too much, things I cannot control. Right now I have to be selfish, and I hate even saying that, but what I have is all I can handle. There are people in our lives who support us and those who do not. Sometimes those support systems change and that is ok, that is life. So, you have to let the old go and embrace the new. I thought I was pretty good at that, but maybe not so much at the letting go. And there are some gaps that I know I need to find the new... Certain new support systems are hard to find, but I think I know where I need to go, once I sat and looked at who the people are in my life that build me up are, whether they even know it or not! I know that God provides the right people for the right time and I know that he will have a purpose for me where I land. Because even in my brokenness I know that God can use me, even if it's just to remind another that the role they play is invaluable. Yes, I don't know how much I have to give right now, but I do know that as God puts me back together I will have more and more of me to give to my family and friends. So, while I am broken I am hopeful that what comes out will be just another work of art.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Me
I believe in authenticity. I think that the best things in life are not forced. I believe that the best friendships take time and effort to build. Life is a lot of give and take. A true friend will see you through the good times and the bad. They love your ugly because they see your beauty too.
I think that life is meant to be lived at a slow ambling pace. I know that I do not always achieve this, it is contrary to our culture, but it is what I strive for. I know that my best days are usually spent outside, ambling through the strawberry fields, picking blueberries, visiting a favorite park, playing in the water with kids, and barbequing with friends. I think the common denominator in my life highlight reels are people, people that I love, that have time for me and my family.
People. People who are as invested in my life as I am in theirs. They are the people we throw parties with, that cry on our shoulder, that rage at the world when all seems unfair and help to pick up my broken pieces after a hard day. They love me when I make mistakes or constantly change my mind. They know that I'm a crazy wind child and in that I love to plan as well. They understand that I am a walking contradiction, but this is probably because I am constantly trying to grow or being forced to grow.
I know who I am and I am not afraid of me. I know my shortcomings and my strengths. I love to share life with people, to walk alongside those I love. I will never compromise who I am or my beliefs, but neither will I let your beliefs be what stands between us. I do not expect everybody to agree with me, we all travel the same road but at different times. We are all unique and will make unique choices in our unique situations that all have a common denominator in some way or another. I may not always agree with somebody but I will always love.
Love is the foundation of my life. It is rooted in my love for God. It is what I hope that people see when they see me. But I often feel that it is my failure that shines through. That just may be my feelings at the moment as it's been a hard year for me. When going through things it's easier to see the troubles in front of you than the hope inside. But the hope is always inside, it's what keeps me going. What calms me in the torrent rains. Without hope there would be no reason to live, so I am so thankful that my God is a God of hope. He is so many things, but right now what I want is hope. Hope that this season will pass, as they all do. Hope that when the season is past what I will remember is the treasures buried within this crazy time and I know that that will be what I remember. Beneath my moody contradictory surface is a optimist at heart. There are things that will always be true, always represent who I am and those are things that are found in my Lord, the only thing unchanging in my life.
I think that life is meant to be lived at a slow ambling pace. I know that I do not always achieve this, it is contrary to our culture, but it is what I strive for. I know that my best days are usually spent outside, ambling through the strawberry fields, picking blueberries, visiting a favorite park, playing in the water with kids, and barbequing with friends. I think the common denominator in my life highlight reels are people, people that I love, that have time for me and my family.
People. People who are as invested in my life as I am in theirs. They are the people we throw parties with, that cry on our shoulder, that rage at the world when all seems unfair and help to pick up my broken pieces after a hard day. They love me when I make mistakes or constantly change my mind. They know that I'm a crazy wind child and in that I love to plan as well. They understand that I am a walking contradiction, but this is probably because I am constantly trying to grow or being forced to grow.
I know who I am and I am not afraid of me. I know my shortcomings and my strengths. I love to share life with people, to walk alongside those I love. I will never compromise who I am or my beliefs, but neither will I let your beliefs be what stands between us. I do not expect everybody to agree with me, we all travel the same road but at different times. We are all unique and will make unique choices in our unique situations that all have a common denominator in some way or another. I may not always agree with somebody but I will always love.
Love is the foundation of my life. It is rooted in my love for God. It is what I hope that people see when they see me. But I often feel that it is my failure that shines through. That just may be my feelings at the moment as it's been a hard year for me. When going through things it's easier to see the troubles in front of you than the hope inside. But the hope is always inside, it's what keeps me going. What calms me in the torrent rains. Without hope there would be no reason to live, so I am so thankful that my God is a God of hope. He is so many things, but right now what I want is hope. Hope that this season will pass, as they all do. Hope that when the season is past what I will remember is the treasures buried within this crazy time and I know that that will be what I remember. Beneath my moody contradictory surface is a optimist at heart. There are things that will always be true, always represent who I am and those are things that are found in my Lord, the only thing unchanging in my life.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Prayers for Hannah
Alright, so this is one of the hardest posts I've ever written. So, before I even begin I want to say who I am and what I believe. I write this strongly rooted in faith, I believe that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible for God. But I also write this as the logical person that I am. I believe that God sometimes has greater plans than my finite mind can conceive. I have experienced this as a child and an adult... I do not know the mind of God. I do not claim the mind of God. I also am an optimistic person, yet still logical, which may seem cynical. So, in describing myself I sound almost like an oxymoron. But just to be clear, faith comes first, then logic. Hope is always first, followed by what I see and have experienced.
If you know me, you would know that I have been married for almost 10 years. When I married my husband, I married his family and was so very blessed because I married into a family that loved me as much as I loved them. Ten years ago I met my husband, his family and his little sister. Hannah was 12 at the time, she was the little sister that I always wanted. Over the last 10 years we packed all the sisterly love of a lifetime into 10 years! And I love her so much today, she has grown into a pretty awesome lady. She got married about 3 years ago to her high school sweetheart, Josh, and just over a year and a half ago they had their first child, Ella.
Hannah and Josh are currently 21 weeks pregnant with their second child. About two weeks ago they went into the doctor for a routine ultrasound and found out that they were having another little girl. We are all so excited for the little addition to their family, but when doing the ultrasound they found something that they wanted to take another look at. So, last Friday Hannah and Josh went in for another ultrasound. At this ultrasound the doctor found something alarming, there was a mass on Baby's neck, and they were quick to give our parent's to be a scary prognosis.
The appointment was made to get a better look and find out more at the University of Washington. Yesterday, Monday June 9th, Josh and Hannah went in for further testing. At this point they were told that Baby has a Lymphatic Malformation, don't bother googling it there's not much out there. This is a very rare thing for a baby to have and there is no known cause for this malformation, the doctor's see one or less of them every year, with mixed outcomes. What you do need to know is that this makes Hannah's pregnancy a high risk pregnancy. It is a very scary place for a mother and father to be, it's very uncertain and there are many things that they and the doctor's will be finding out as they go along. One thing that is certain at this point is that she will be delivering at the UW and that her pregnancy from this point on will not be "normal." Also, once Baby is born, she will take up residence at Children's Hospital for a few weeks or more depending on her condition.
Their next appointment will be in three weeks on Monday, June 30th. At that point the doctor's will do another ultrasound and probably some other tests. They have shared a few different scenarios with Josh and Hannah but at this time it is undetermined what the course of action for their unique case will be. As we face each appointment we will know a little more, as much of it depends on the growth of the mass. The mass is currently 1 inch in size and Baby is approximately the size of a banana. As a visual, the mass currently extends from Baby's collarbone to her jaw line and is not obstructing any vital organs at this point.
Where does that leave us? It leaves us on our knees. We serve a God who loves to make the impossible possible. God is the great physician, he can heal our little girl. We are praying that the mass will not grow. We are praying that if it does grow that it will not grow fast. The longer Baby can be inside Mama, the better... Baby is not strong enough to be a preemie and face the challenges of having a lymphatic malformation. We are praying for God's hands to be with the doctor's and that they will have the wisdom to do what is best for both Hannah and Baby. We are especially praying for God's protection over Hannah and Baby. We will keep you updated as we go along.
I would pray that you would be sensitive to their family as they are on this journey, it is not an easy one. And I would pray that you would too continue to rejoice in addition to their family. Every baby no matter how they come into the world, whether they live to be 90 or 9 minutes, is a life changing blessing. We are praying that Hannah and her daughter will both live to see 90!
If you know me, you would know that I have been married for almost 10 years. When I married my husband, I married his family and was so very blessed because I married into a family that loved me as much as I loved them. Ten years ago I met my husband, his family and his little sister. Hannah was 12 at the time, she was the little sister that I always wanted. Over the last 10 years we packed all the sisterly love of a lifetime into 10 years! And I love her so much today, she has grown into a pretty awesome lady. She got married about 3 years ago to her high school sweetheart, Josh, and just over a year and a half ago they had their first child, Ella.
Hannah and Josh are currently 21 weeks pregnant with their second child. About two weeks ago they went into the doctor for a routine ultrasound and found out that they were having another little girl. We are all so excited for the little addition to their family, but when doing the ultrasound they found something that they wanted to take another look at. So, last Friday Hannah and Josh went in for another ultrasound. At this ultrasound the doctor found something alarming, there was a mass on Baby's neck, and they were quick to give our parent's to be a scary prognosis.
The appointment was made to get a better look and find out more at the University of Washington. Yesterday, Monday June 9th, Josh and Hannah went in for further testing. At this point they were told that Baby has a Lymphatic Malformation, don't bother googling it there's not much out there. This is a very rare thing for a baby to have and there is no known cause for this malformation, the doctor's see one or less of them every year, with mixed outcomes. What you do need to know is that this makes Hannah's pregnancy a high risk pregnancy. It is a very scary place for a mother and father to be, it's very uncertain and there are many things that they and the doctor's will be finding out as they go along. One thing that is certain at this point is that she will be delivering at the UW and that her pregnancy from this point on will not be "normal." Also, once Baby is born, she will take up residence at Children's Hospital for a few weeks or more depending on her condition.
Their next appointment will be in three weeks on Monday, June 30th. At that point the doctor's will do another ultrasound and probably some other tests. They have shared a few different scenarios with Josh and Hannah but at this time it is undetermined what the course of action for their unique case will be. As we face each appointment we will know a little more, as much of it depends on the growth of the mass. The mass is currently 1 inch in size and Baby is approximately the size of a banana. As a visual, the mass currently extends from Baby's collarbone to her jaw line and is not obstructing any vital organs at this point.
Where does that leave us? It leaves us on our knees. We serve a God who loves to make the impossible possible. God is the great physician, he can heal our little girl. We are praying that the mass will not grow. We are praying that if it does grow that it will not grow fast. The longer Baby can be inside Mama, the better... Baby is not strong enough to be a preemie and face the challenges of having a lymphatic malformation. We are praying for God's hands to be with the doctor's and that they will have the wisdom to do what is best for both Hannah and Baby. We are especially praying for God's protection over Hannah and Baby. We will keep you updated as we go along.
I would pray that you would be sensitive to their family as they are on this journey, it is not an easy one. And I would pray that you would too continue to rejoice in addition to their family. Every baby no matter how they come into the world, whether they live to be 90 or 9 minutes, is a life changing blessing. We are praying that Hannah and her daughter will both live to see 90!
Friday, June 6, 2014
Find Rest
You know those days you wish you just didn't feel? How often I just want to wrap up in my little cocoon and pretend there is no world around me. I look all around and I see madness. My heart grieves. I am numb. I feel as if just as the world is starting to be put back together it crashes down again. I fall to my knees and right as I get back up another wave crashes. I am not unfamiliar with the losses of this world, with the waves crashing and forcing me under. I am always plucked back up but at some point you just say, "Oh, Lord, when does it end?" When can I breath? Just as I start to feel the sun a cloud comes. Life is heavy.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28-29
I must be missing something to feel so heavy. It's the release of the burden on my heavenly father. But I do release, it just seems that as soon as I release something there is something else again in my hands. It is a constant giving it to God. And giving the next thing to him to. Just like the waves of the ocean... Sometimes the ocean is calm and its a gentle roar, waves lapping on the shore. Other times it's a storm. The waves crush you and pull you under. You reach out to be rescued and as you catch a breath of air you are pulled back under once again. Release, release, release. Oh so weary.
I have peace. My peace is found resting in the arms of God. I do have peace, but I wonder sometimes why do we have to go through this at all. When can we be done? I know what is birthed through the pain. I would not trade who I am for an easier life. I also know that there are many with harder or more tragic lives.
I often feel like the storm is raging all outside my four walls. My home is a shelter in the storm. In the night it is in the quiet that I meet my Lord. And it's in the quiet that I get to lay in the arms of a man who shelters me to the best of his human ability. I am so covered in grace and love, so very blessed. But waves and trials are not something that you can run from... Growth is not something you can hide from, it happens inside you. You cannot run from yourself, you cannot run from God.
Tenderness isn't something I should avoid. God tells us to laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn. He made us to feel. He knew that we would be overcome with emotions we could not begin to describe. He knows my day before my sleepy eyes open. I could choose to be hard, sometimes I do choose to be hard on the exterior. It's in the quiet that I deal with my emotions, this is where I process. Where it is safe. Safe in my four walls, I can cry or laugh or whatever random emotion I have for unknown and known reasons. I am a complex little mess. Sometimes I want to cry just because I need to cry and I don't even know why. And then I go and snuggle next to my human comforter... God really knew what he was doing when he gave me my husband. He gave me a man that often knows me better than I know myself...
I wonder if being in a tornado is like being in my mind. It will be the little things that I cannot deal with and then you explode the earth on me and I'm ok... That is not normal. How can I listen to a raging child, a broken heart and just be. But the emotions come, the processing happens, it's in the safe quiet of my home. Am I broken? Or was I built for storms? No, I'm not always calm, but there are so many times when I look and think, I shouldn't be calm right now but I am. I don't even understand myself sometimes. Maybe it's not that I'm built for storms, maybe it's just that I recognize a storm for what it is and run for the shelter of God. I'm running. I know that is why I felt heavy. I need to run because this is too big for me. I can find rest in the storm.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28-29
I must be missing something to feel so heavy. It's the release of the burden on my heavenly father. But I do release, it just seems that as soon as I release something there is something else again in my hands. It is a constant giving it to God. And giving the next thing to him to. Just like the waves of the ocean... Sometimes the ocean is calm and its a gentle roar, waves lapping on the shore. Other times it's a storm. The waves crush you and pull you under. You reach out to be rescued and as you catch a breath of air you are pulled back under once again. Release, release, release. Oh so weary.
I have peace. My peace is found resting in the arms of God. I do have peace, but I wonder sometimes why do we have to go through this at all. When can we be done? I know what is birthed through the pain. I would not trade who I am for an easier life. I also know that there are many with harder or more tragic lives.
I often feel like the storm is raging all outside my four walls. My home is a shelter in the storm. In the night it is in the quiet that I meet my Lord. And it's in the quiet that I get to lay in the arms of a man who shelters me to the best of his human ability. I am so covered in grace and love, so very blessed. But waves and trials are not something that you can run from... Growth is not something you can hide from, it happens inside you. You cannot run from yourself, you cannot run from God.
Tenderness isn't something I should avoid. God tells us to laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn. He made us to feel. He knew that we would be overcome with emotions we could not begin to describe. He knows my day before my sleepy eyes open. I could choose to be hard, sometimes I do choose to be hard on the exterior. It's in the quiet that I deal with my emotions, this is where I process. Where it is safe. Safe in my four walls, I can cry or laugh or whatever random emotion I have for unknown and known reasons. I am a complex little mess. Sometimes I want to cry just because I need to cry and I don't even know why. And then I go and snuggle next to my human comforter... God really knew what he was doing when he gave me my husband. He gave me a man that often knows me better than I know myself...
I wonder if being in a tornado is like being in my mind. It will be the little things that I cannot deal with and then you explode the earth on me and I'm ok... That is not normal. How can I listen to a raging child, a broken heart and just be. But the emotions come, the processing happens, it's in the safe quiet of my home. Am I broken? Or was I built for storms? No, I'm not always calm, but there are so many times when I look and think, I shouldn't be calm right now but I am. I don't even understand myself sometimes. Maybe it's not that I'm built for storms, maybe it's just that I recognize a storm for what it is and run for the shelter of God. I'm running. I know that is why I felt heavy. I need to run because this is too big for me. I can find rest in the storm.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Ramblings
It's hard to believe that another school year is coming to a close. This has been the hardest school year ever for me. I have also learned a lot and grown a lot. I do not like to grow, although I know it is essential!
I have said over and over that I love our school. I will say it again, I do love our school. But just because I love the people there doesn't mean it's a good fit for all my children. School doesn't get out until next Thursday, but Dominic has been out of school for about two weeks now. Or maybe it's just been a week and the prior week was the foreshadowing week, I honestly can't remember at this moment. You see, that scary word, homeschool, has been something running through my mind throughout this entire year. It's the back up plan, the if I really have to do it then I will plan. It's now the plan for next year...
Dominic for whatever reason is done. School was not working for him... He is extremely bright, but the box just doesn't fit everybody. We spent an entire school year walking this out, making adjustments, trying new things. But then when it came down to the end of it, there was nowhere else to go. I realized I could continue to try to make this work, to try and shove you in this box, but what I came to realize is that the box is just not meant for you. In about a matter of a week I saw that this wasn't going to work and I saw that if I tried to make it work it was my boy who was going to be hurt. Since we all know that's not an option, we are starting a new adventure.
This coming fall I will be homeschooling my oldest child. My middle child will be going to first grade at public school and my youngest will be in preschool. There will be no category in life to describe our life choices. I will not be a home school mom, or a public school mom, or just a preschool mom. I will be simply a mom... A mom trying to juggle what is best for each of my three very unique amazing little people. I'm not exactly sure where that makes me fit in the scope of motherhood, because people seem to always want to put mother's in boxes too. It begins from the time that you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. You are a "first time" mom, then you choose to be a "working" or "stay at home" mom. We put labels on everything and frankly the labels don't work. You are never defined by just one thing, yet we draw these silly lines in the sand.
I've never really been a fan of labels or lines in the sand or anything along those lines. So the thought of being a little of everything doesn't scare me too much... Until I think at night, who is going to want to hang out with a girl that is being pulled so many directions and doesn't fit any one lifestyle? I'm not kidding, stupid things like that keep me up, I even texted one of my girlfriends and made her promise to still hang out with me even though I'm going to be homeschooling. Really, we've been friends probably over a decade now and I feel the need to make sure she'll still like me??? Yep, I'm a crazy woman! But I guess when life is changing sometimes you gotta make sure that you still got people on your side, and I say that because I have had my friends carry me through many hard times and I've carried them too.
As I've delved into next year I've gone through so many emotions. But the overwhelming emotion is relief. I know me and I know my kids. I know it will be different and hard, but also in a more important aspect it will be rewarding and fun. I am excited for next year, I have no idea what exactly it will look like. I have thoughts, but until I'm there I really have no idea. I worry about how I'm going to make it to the things that have always been fulfilling and important to me. But somehow I will make it to Gabe's class once a week and hopefully MOPS.
In the last week or so it has been so nice having Dominic home. I'm confident that Dominic will keep turning back more and more into the Dominic that we have always known and loved. He had a rough time at school and was starting to become very angry with the world. I know that this is not my boy, and in the short time that we've decided on our life change I've seen him slowly getting happier. Do I expect him to be perfect, definitely not! He will still be full of more energy than I could ever hope to harness, he will still be distracted by the wind, he will still sing around the house at the top of his lungs (we really are working on harnessing the noise), and he will still rage at the injustices of the world and still fight with his siblings, hopefully less... But the undercurrent of his life will be joy. And that is all I could ever ask for.
I have said over and over that I love our school. I will say it again, I do love our school. But just because I love the people there doesn't mean it's a good fit for all my children. School doesn't get out until next Thursday, but Dominic has been out of school for about two weeks now. Or maybe it's just been a week and the prior week was the foreshadowing week, I honestly can't remember at this moment. You see, that scary word, homeschool, has been something running through my mind throughout this entire year. It's the back up plan, the if I really have to do it then I will plan. It's now the plan for next year...
Dominic for whatever reason is done. School was not working for him... He is extremely bright, but the box just doesn't fit everybody. We spent an entire school year walking this out, making adjustments, trying new things. But then when it came down to the end of it, there was nowhere else to go. I realized I could continue to try to make this work, to try and shove you in this box, but what I came to realize is that the box is just not meant for you. In about a matter of a week I saw that this wasn't going to work and I saw that if I tried to make it work it was my boy who was going to be hurt. Since we all know that's not an option, we are starting a new adventure.
This coming fall I will be homeschooling my oldest child. My middle child will be going to first grade at public school and my youngest will be in preschool. There will be no category in life to describe our life choices. I will not be a home school mom, or a public school mom, or just a preschool mom. I will be simply a mom... A mom trying to juggle what is best for each of my three very unique amazing little people. I'm not exactly sure where that makes me fit in the scope of motherhood, because people seem to always want to put mother's in boxes too. It begins from the time that you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test. You are a "first time" mom, then you choose to be a "working" or "stay at home" mom. We put labels on everything and frankly the labels don't work. You are never defined by just one thing, yet we draw these silly lines in the sand.
I've never really been a fan of labels or lines in the sand or anything along those lines. So the thought of being a little of everything doesn't scare me too much... Until I think at night, who is going to want to hang out with a girl that is being pulled so many directions and doesn't fit any one lifestyle? I'm not kidding, stupid things like that keep me up, I even texted one of my girlfriends and made her promise to still hang out with me even though I'm going to be homeschooling. Really, we've been friends probably over a decade now and I feel the need to make sure she'll still like me??? Yep, I'm a crazy woman! But I guess when life is changing sometimes you gotta make sure that you still got people on your side, and I say that because I have had my friends carry me through many hard times and I've carried them too.
As I've delved into next year I've gone through so many emotions. But the overwhelming emotion is relief. I know me and I know my kids. I know it will be different and hard, but also in a more important aspect it will be rewarding and fun. I am excited for next year, I have no idea what exactly it will look like. I have thoughts, but until I'm there I really have no idea. I worry about how I'm going to make it to the things that have always been fulfilling and important to me. But somehow I will make it to Gabe's class once a week and hopefully MOPS.
In the last week or so it has been so nice having Dominic home. I'm confident that Dominic will keep turning back more and more into the Dominic that we have always known and loved. He had a rough time at school and was starting to become very angry with the world. I know that this is not my boy, and in the short time that we've decided on our life change I've seen him slowly getting happier. Do I expect him to be perfect, definitely not! He will still be full of more energy than I could ever hope to harness, he will still be distracted by the wind, he will still sing around the house at the top of his lungs (we really are working on harnessing the noise), and he will still rage at the injustices of the world and still fight with his siblings, hopefully less... But the undercurrent of his life will be joy. And that is all I could ever ask for.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Love Wins
Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is picking your little boy up from school ready to blow. Love is staying calm as he's yelling at you & the world while you wait for him to buckle his seat belt. Love is making sure all the other kids are taken care of so you can sit and listen to your boy rage at the world. Love is once getting the others taken care of going upstairs only to find your boy has run back outside. Love is bringing him back into his room and telling him he has a choice and you're there to listen when he's ready. It's seeing he can't calm down and having him lay out on the floor while you massage his back. Love is with every fiber of your being wanting to erupt like Mt St Helen's and forcing it back. It's dying to yourself, your own selfish desires and expectations. It is putting somebody else's needs before your own. And then the beauty of love is when you get it right, even just for a minute... When the tears stop, the world takes a breath and a little boy apologizes. The apology is sincere, but the result only lasts a moment, until the next disappointment, because today is one of those days.
One of those days were even the simplest answer is met with rage, tears and yelling. Where you are mystified and you have nothing. Nothing but the resolve to let love win today. I will let love win today if it kills me. I will hear every last yell of how terrible I am and I will not let it win. I know that this is not logic speaking, it is not my son speaking & that no matter how I fight it I will lose. But I will be a bigger loser if I do not let love win, maybe someday he will look back and see that love won. Maybe he will see how no matter out of line he was today that his mother didn't react in anger, she reacted in love... And maybe someday that will mean something to him.
Until that day I will hold onto that little glistening hope that this too shall pass. Because today that is all the hope I have. I am tired and I am broken. But somewhere in the midst of this I love. I am not loving by my own strength today, mine is gone. I have nothing else to hold onto but that His love is stronger than mine. God has seen me through many storms and he will see me through this as well. I will fail constantly, but I will remember this high within the storm because today the storm didn't beat me and that's not something I can say everyday. So, thank you, Lord, for showing me that in our darkest hours your love can still and will still prevail. And you love to make broken things new, into something more beautiful than imaginable... I cannot wait to see what you turn my son into and even me through this process as well. You must have something beautiful for us, I just know it.
One of those days were even the simplest answer is met with rage, tears and yelling. Where you are mystified and you have nothing. Nothing but the resolve to let love win today. I will let love win today if it kills me. I will hear every last yell of how terrible I am and I will not let it win. I know that this is not logic speaking, it is not my son speaking & that no matter how I fight it I will lose. But I will be a bigger loser if I do not let love win, maybe someday he will look back and see that love won. Maybe he will see how no matter out of line he was today that his mother didn't react in anger, she reacted in love... And maybe someday that will mean something to him.
Until that day I will hold onto that little glistening hope that this too shall pass. Because today that is all the hope I have. I am tired and I am broken. But somewhere in the midst of this I love. I am not loving by my own strength today, mine is gone. I have nothing else to hold onto but that His love is stronger than mine. God has seen me through many storms and he will see me through this as well. I will fail constantly, but I will remember this high within the storm because today the storm didn't beat me and that's not something I can say everyday. So, thank you, Lord, for showing me that in our darkest hours your love can still and will still prevail. And you love to make broken things new, into something more beautiful than imaginable... I cannot wait to see what you turn my son into and even me through this process as well. You must have something beautiful for us, I just know it.
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